Mind Space

Left on a Jet Plane

2010-08-12T07:17:00.000-07:00

Its been a while... a very loong while.
what prompted me to write again? cant say. but here I am.
A quick update... without a job, with a child.
how does it feel? and how is it going?

If routine can get monotonous, then bringing up a baby is the mother of all routines.
Have spent the last 6 months doing exactly the same (damn) thing, day after day after day...

No.. am not complaining ( well! maybe, just a li'l... but then... out here I'm allowed!!!) ... n yes... still lovvve the li'l baby to death!!

p.s. its a girl!

n hows the marriage coming along out here?

can i vent, plzzzzz...

FUCKING HELL!!!!
IF EVER THERE WAS A GUY WHO WAS A HUNDRED YEARS OLD AT THE AGE OF 33... THEN IT IS THE MAN.

So, the man goes and quits his job... yes! u heard me right... he's jobless TOOOOO!!! why? dont ask... tooo freaking long a story to write rite now...

bottom line... two jobless women and a baby... eeeeeeeeeeiiinn.... NOT HAPPENING!! yes... the man is a woman... just slightly short of a sex change operation.

" there's too much dust in the house"
" Tell the maid to clean the loo properly"
" Please rinse ure plate before keeping it in the sink" ( I mean! what the fuck am i paying the goddamn maid for if i gotto rinse the fucking plate before putting it in the fucking sunk! Moron!)
" the sheets need to be changed"
" Please wipe the water off the basin after u wash ure face" ( im in the bloody loo to create a water bath assshole!)
" Why dont u do a damn thing in the house?!!! ( Coz i have U??!! hello??!! Aint it obvious?!)

and the beat goes on!!!

So... I suggest to the man... " Buster I'm beginning to loose my mind..( which I truly am!) so lemme go home for a few days"

Man " U always think about ureself! I'm at my lowest without a job...what am I gonna do if u n baby leave?"
I'm thinking to myself..." find a job, ya?"
Me" ok... but its my dad's cataract operation" ( well... it was supposed to happen soommeeettimme... i thought why not now??!)
Man" but its my parents b'day!"
Me" ure comparing operation to B'day??! Sorry... operation is more crucial"
Man " ure sooo selfish... blah blah blah"

by now, i've lost my head... his face is causing some serious short circuits in my brain, and I decide I dont want to continue this conversation else i'll scream!

Me" lets not talk"
Man" u always want things ure way"

Silence.

An hour later... am lying in bed... almost asleep

Man " ure so selfish... its my parents b'day"
Me" Me no talk"

Turn my back to man and try to crash.

Man cant handle being ignored... pulls out the pillow from under my head and takes my blanket n throws it on the floor.

I ignore... somewhere in my head am laughing at his frustration ( my mean streak coming out) cant resist a smile... he sees it... he's hopping mad!!

after 10 min... i pick up the blanket, pillow, put it back on the bed and then remember that smoke lying in my bag. time for a breather.
get up and walk to the other room... man follows ( pest)... " why wont u talk to me... blah ! blah blah!"
I take out the smoke, begin to light it...
Pissed off Pest" u cant smoke in the house!Go out!"

Thats it! I crack!

I muster up all my strength and hit him hard on his leg...

" Dog... YOU ARE FUCKING INNNNTOOOLLEERRAABBLLEE!!"

... i get up, go and sit on the window sill... 60 seconds later ... i feel a hard smack on my left cheek... it hits my eye and my entire left side stings... my eye starts watering involuntarily and I see stars for 10 seconds.

i'm in shock... it came 60 seconds too late and I didnt anticipate it!... I cant react.... so no cheek for cheek happens...

I decide to go home.... first thing in the morning.
The man blocks my way as i try to goto the fone to call home... he snatches the laptop as I try to book the flight... he aoplogizes and tries to continue the conversation.

But ofcourse... there's no scope for conversation. I fix my gaze at the bookcase behind his head and zip my mouth shut... the frustration gets to him... but the pest continues to chew my ears for another 40 mins on what a selfish bitch i am in his time of need.

I get up in the morning and leave.

Shockers

2009-06-25T23:05:00.000-07:00

A few shockers:

- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.

Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...

Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.

I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long

Our song

2009-06-10T23:44:00.001-07:00

There was a song... and it was mine and his song... and it was special... and I heard you hum it to me...
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?

I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...

but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.

And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years

When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.

I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.

book

2009-06-04T06:01:00.000-07:00

i'm gonna write a book.

Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...

Watch the bookshelves

mind funk

2009-03-09T05:19:00.000-07:00

First I went online and searched for Sachin's name n then i went on to facebook... unblocked Sachin and saw his picture.

Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.

n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.

N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...

think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?

and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.

Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.

n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.

n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.

Sun Burnt in Goa

2009-02-25T23:18:00.000-08:00

I have been but a fool... all along. I know that.

Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.

I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.

And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"

And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.

And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.

And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.

And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.

And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.

I didnt just do this

2009-02-17T04:31:00.000-08:00

i behaved like a crazy, loony woman in love...
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country

Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES

aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.

Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?

what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?

No reason to be mad... But Am

2009-02-12T21:05:00.000-08:00

ok... so the husband went off to the United States of Amrika on Monday last...
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!

My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.

The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.

Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.

Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...

the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!

Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....

Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!

eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.

Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?

Hungover Over the Weekend

2009-02-08T22:24:00.000-08:00

The weekend'z been its usual bizarre self... between fights with the husband,walk outs and boiling tempers, have managed to go n watch ' Karsh Kale/ Medieval Punditz' live as well as catch Dev D.

It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.

Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!

I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:

-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)

Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
-------------------------------***********-------------------------------

Love Goa... Hate the Goans

2009-01-20T01:20:00.000-08:00

Can I be a casteist?
Well... I claim to be anti-racist/ casteist and all the speil... but here i am pissed out of my wits at this freaking community... coz they just do sooo much justice to all the cliches which exist in their name!!!
Gawd!!!
No... i'm not talking about Bengalis :P
I'm talking about Goans!!!Well... u may be surprised ... even in post traumatic shock... that i should have anything against a communiaty so 'gay' ( pun intended)

Well... here's how the story goes:

I'm in the process of booking a holiday in Feb to Goa. So i discover this amazing beach resort on anjuna... I go through the website and figure that there's this package deal which i can avail of... reasonable... beautiful... everything i want... Perfect...

So i call up the Resort... and this dumbass goan picks up-
Me: Need to book a room for 2 from x to y dates
DA( Dumbass): huh? What are the dates?
Me: xxxxxxx to yyyyyyyyy
DA: hmm... lemme see... yes they are available
Me: what's the cost?
DA: Rs 5500
Me: and the discount?
DA: Ok... i'll give it to you for Rs. 4400
Me: Ok... Rs 4400 * 4 nights= Rs.17600... ya? and your website says there's a package on 3 nights and 4 days for Rs.17,500... so u'll give it to me for the same price and an extra day??
DA ( confused): eeerrr... can i call u back in an hour?
Me: ok... ( dumbass!)

No call and 1 day later... i call again.. Dumbass II answers the phone this time

Me: Well... i called yesterday asking for xyz details... noone called me back... can u tell me at what price r u willing to give me a deal for 4 NIGHTS AND 5 DAYS????????
DA II: huh?uh..? can i call u back in 1 hour?
Me: ok.... (DUMBASS!!)

No call and 1 hour later i call agin... and noone picks up the phone... FROM 11AM TO 4PM... EVERY ONE HOUR... AND NO FREAKING ASSHOLIC GOAN JERK PICKS UP THE PHONE!!
i go to the website... and guess what i find... the rates for the 3 nights and 4 days package which were Rs.17,500 until last night have been upped to Rs.19990...

LAZY DUMB SLIMY ASSHOLES!!!

and then there is a war against being biased towards ANY freaking community! these no-good shitheads deserve the racism man!

Coupling

2009-01-16T03:50:00.000-08:00

Its Friday evening and i'm doing the 'couple thing' ... AGAIN!
Have been cordially invited to the house of another 'couple' for a 'Pasta party'... How Marvelous!!
This 'coupleish' act has been going on for approximately 8 months now ( The 'happiest-day-of-my-life' day was in April)
We eat together, sleep together, breathe together... How utterly totally completely disgustingly romantic!!

2009-01-14T21:48:00.001-08:00

Lets be matter of fact about it...
Life after 20 sucks

Overworking the head

2009-01-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

So...
A few developments in the head:
- the 'motherly instincts' have woken up... suddenly and with a vengeance... everyone around me seems to be popping babies... and if not.. they're nursing 1 or 2 year olds... i goto a mall and i see kids... i go for a walk i see toddlers... i close my eyes and i see babies. What the hell?!!!
the reason this development is driving me up the wall is becoz, i know that having kids at this point in time is probably the worst idea i can come up with.
Not even been married for a year, and i'm thinking the family way! considering stability in marriage has not come....inspite of all the time spent... i have to make the wiser decision of waiting.

- Talking about the missing stability in marriage :
Well... the link is slowly disappearing... and we are becoming strangers to each other even as i write this. 8 painful months and now we've reached that point when a fight means zero communication for the next 2 days. and even if there is some conversation in the middle... its usually an attempt to bite each other's head off. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and after the last episode it has slowly disappeared all together.
Random thoughts keep coming and going... ideas of how to escape. Useless, defunct, unimplementable ideas... but they help me hang in there... else... there isnt much to dream about in my life at this point, is there

Waking up to 2009

2009-01-14T00:25:00.000-08:00

ok...

here we go... resolutions for 2009... Approximately 14 days late :P

1. will start blogging again...i know i suffer from these bursts of sudden enthusiasm, followed by complete hibernation... however, I shall work on them... and conquer!!!
Am in an exceptionally positive mood this morning...

2. Will make new friends in Mumbai... history to this statement: Moved to Mumbai in April... am feeling lost like how... dont know a soul in this city... is driving me nuts... am a people's person from as long as i can remember, but now am in this fantastic city, without a social circle. So far my attempts at the same have fallen flat on my face:

A) Joining a job: Have joined work... not a soul here exists whom I wantto have a conversation more
that "hi" ... leave alone become bum chums with! How snobbish am i ?? Well... I realise my negatives... but the truth remains... that is how i am... and i have accepted myself

B)Joined weird ' meet up groups' which dont meet up... or are filled with frustrated men who think a 'meetup' group= to easy women who want to get laid!! It is truly disgusting... isnt it!

3. Will make the marriage work...its gonna be tough... its gonna be hard... but i shall give it my best. even as i type this, i can sense the revolt taking place inside me. My heart is turning, and the the chest is tightening. I dont love him... I wanto to love him... I dont know how... considering that he's nothing but nice to me... I really dont know what I want from a partner. Sometimes, i think i will turn out to be one of those crazy women who get up one morning, meticulously pack their things and disappear... and noone is able to trace them ever again... Like in the movie, 'The Hours' I've already shortlisted the places i'd like to disappear to... definitely Europe... i'll become an illegal immigrant.. and get lost in the Spanish desert...
Heck no... I have to make this marriage work... coz I chose this.

Thats the resolution for the year, the ' no smoking' resolution I shall postpone to 2010 :)

money money money... its a rich man's world

2008-11-07T19:09:00.001-08:00

So i walk into this club... no... not to party... for a job. and they give it to me. i'm to be their marketing person. this is in the span of 1 week before which i'm to join MPG (the job which i dont like but will pay me and keep me going up the corporate ladder)
Here's a club/ record label/ production house ... and they have no money... but they sell a dream... they do something unique... and they're surrounded by music... and it makes me mad that they want me but they cant afford me. n it makes me madder that im dying to join them but the money factor is driving me nuts. Its maddening that mumbai is such an expensive place to live in that one cant exist here without counting one's pennies. its crazy that a so-called music buff is double minded about a project which would might make her life more meaningful, just because she wont have enuff moolah going into the pocket.

The question is what are the pros and cons again?
Pros
1. i know i'm gonna love this
2. the place is small... the people are warm... the work is exponentially more interesting than anything i've done before
3 It'll be interesting to grow with a start up... probable even establish one's name through it.

Cons
1. im an advertising person... it would mean shifting industries... literally!
2. Money is SHIT... it isnt even enough to pay my monthly rent in South bombay!!
3. i'll be living hand to mouth if i were living alone... thankfully im not... but i'm never gonna come even close to what hubby's making... and i'll be foreever dependent on him

Dats it... n i have to give them an answer today. Not to forget, ive already said 'yes' to MPG, who're expecting me at work from coming monday!! Feel like hell.

Indecision

2008-10-23T21:31:00.000-07:00

Ok then....moral dilemma here I come!!! this perpetual habit which I have of being completely undecisive about things is driving me crazy. Whether its an ice cream flavour or a freaking job, i'm in the same kinda spot... mulling over the freaking pro's and cons of eating dark chocolate v/s mint choco chip!!! Pardon the freaking!!

Ok... so here i am... I go for this RANDOM interview with a media planning agency... well its not even a real agency, its an arm of an ad agency... so they dont reaaaally have an identity of their own... but like they claim, they're a '" growing" agency.... hmmmm.... so back to back interviews happen... our lady here cruises through them both... in a matter of a week an offer is being made....n then she chickens out...!!!... well almpost... havent given an answer as yet.

why?

considering the fact that i've been bawling my eyes out for the last freaking 6 months for a freaking job... this should come as alife saver, no?! My scanty analysis of the world economy suggests that we are soooo in the dumps and any job which walks my way should be held onto with both hands... however here i am ONCE AGAIN dissecting the merits of the freaking job till my head hurts!!! Here's what I have:

Pros:

1. I'm gonna lead a team of 3 people... now THAT is progress!!!! from NO team to team of 3?!! not a bad! THIS is not to mention the palpatations which are driving me crazy at the thought... or the mind numbing, heart stopping fucked up feeling I have at the thought of becoming a GURU to these innocent ones!!! I mean... i'm a kid myself... how am i gonna do dis?! i've never had anyone report into me before... i might just go on a power trip?! ... (whats wrong in dat :P).... see thats what i mean... sheer irresponsible behaviour is what makes me what i am!!!

2. Ok... then there's the whole jazz on growth, learning and experience in the field of communication management of UNA BRANDA !! I buy it... but it also means trying to figure where thy client's money goes... AND if i fuck up ( i'm a group head!) the knife's on my neck... dude!! its tooo much responsibility!!!!

CONS:

1. Do i wanna kill myself doing this freaking DOGZZZZZZ job... running behind clients for stupid shit... watching media channels n trying to fathom which brand should be advertised where... etc?! No way Jose!!

2. I'm a STRATEGIC PLANNER NOT A MEDIA PLANNER... i mean... i look at the bigger picture... this is soooooo a downgrade from what ive been doing so far!!! its an ego issue, dude to be doing this!!!

3. My heart is screaming at the thought of looking at research data and trying to understand media merit etc... i mean... i'm a strategist, not a clerk!!!

Gawd!!! i feel sooooo uppity just writing this...

do i need to review my priorities?? :(

K fucking Chauth

2008-10-16T10:22:00.000-07:00

Today is K-Chauth... sounds like an abuse doesnt it?! Well, if u havent guessed it already... Karva chauth!!! the age old ritual where a married woman keeps a fast for the long life of her husband( n what if he's an abusive, violent, mother fucking son-of-a-bitch? well... the ideal wife prays for this bastard as well!!! I marvel at the level of tolerance women have...I being a crazy, temperamental, slighly loony, dont really fall beautifully into the former category... but hey there, the biology of things say i'm female all right!!!)
well... so like i was saying its K-chauth ( i decided to nick it so that it begins to sound like what it really is- a freaking irritating, mindless ritual)
So... it started over 2 months ago when the MIL ( Ma-in...) decided to ask me whether i'm gonna keep the fast:
MIL: "Are you planning to keep the KC fast?"
Me: " Well, my mom's never kept it, its not a custom we follow"
MIL: " Well, its ure choice entirely, i'm never going to pressurize u. however, it exists in our family ( n now that ure married to my son, u better say goodbye to ure family, n just accept the fact that THIS is ure family, woman) and if u want u can keep it.
Me: " Ok... its 2 months to go... we'll decide"
I let the matter drop... but obviously the question is ringing in the woman's head- Will she? Wont she? will she? Wont she?
A month later, she asks me again:
MIL:" so what have u decided? Are you going to keep the KC fast? Meri beti, its a very important ritual even for the ma- in... besides all u do is get dressed, look good and get lots of gifts, from me, ure husband etc."
Me: " Ok, i havent decided as yet, if u really want me to keep it, i will ( damn! i dont believe i said that... I so dont believe in mindless rituals. woman! ure in trouble!)
MIL ( jumping on the cue): No, no... there's no pressure from my side. but its there in our family ( Bitch!)
Me: "there's still time right now... lets figure it out closer to KC"
Again, i somehow tallo it... but i know its nagging me. It irritates me that an educated woman should be so eager to keep a fast for the long life of her husband. I dont see any rituals throughout the Hindu dharma's endless customs which are directed towards men... whether its Sati or Karva chauth... its women who bear the brunt of it all.. ya ya... i know that KC is more of a feel-good kind of ritual... HOWEVER.. it is not the dressing up or gifts which bug me, it is the fasting... and not just for anything ... but for " the long life of ure husband" ... should'nt the damn husband be fasting too for the long life of his freaking wife? or to become a saint/ martyr in the eyes of society, the woman should necessarily die before the husband. for that matter, who knows when anyone dies? that is not to say that its not good to pray for someone's long life... i do it all the time for my parents ( n today hubby) however I do it voluntarily, while sleeping, for a minute or two. Its not an elaborate custom, where the gods would only be pleased if i starve myself for a day and buy ex amount of things in his name for aarti. its just the unjustness of the way the custom works... and how only women have to do it... always the woman!
Ok... so as i was saying, the conversation with MIL was left in a limbo... however, was she one to be cowed down by all my tactics to avoid the question? Noooo, sir!!! she went n called my mom the figure out whether i'm keeping the fast or not!!!! I can still feel the blood boiling in my head when I think of this. My mom was noncommital, but she later told me that i should keep it, coz MIL really wants me to keep it.
Well.... FUCK YOU all!!!... here i am keeping the damn fast, becoz MIL wants me to, n i'm pissed beyond belief. i'm alone at home, and i know i can go ahead and eat whatever i want, but i havent, coz somewhere inside me i've told myself that I AM going to do this... just so that i can cribb later about it!!!!
AAAARRRRGGHHH!!!
p.s. thats not to mention how i've already gone wrong with the fast!!! MIL told me to get up b/w 4.30-5am and eat something, coz im going to be hungry all day. Bizarre custom! i chose not to get up... reason being... if i want to get up before sunrise n eat something, its my freaking choice!!! I decided i didnt! so, i slept through that Oh-so-crucial-hour in the morning, only to find an unpleasant atmosphere in the house when i woke up. Hubby was talking to MIL in hushed tones over the phone, disclosing the insufferable crime i'd committed, and how i probably deserved to rott in hell for the rest of my living days.... well... i dunno... what they were discussing, but the conversation was cut short the minute i got up...Gawd!!! what's with men and being mama's boy's all the freaking time!!! dont u people get sick of it... i mean, get ure own identity in place... ure own thought process... what the hell have u been educated for if ure gonna turn around n cling onto mom's saree for the rest of ure lives... not the mention look at every woman in ure life through ure mom's lense!!!! GAWD!!!! its just so biased!!!

anyway... so when i spoke to her i clearly asked her.." getting up n eating before dawn was a matter of ritual or choice?"
MIL: " Ritual" ... (FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!) anyway... never mind now... just dont eat or drink anything till late evening today"
Me" I wont.."

So here i am... ive fought with the hubby on his freaking day coz he didnt tell me that getting up in the morn was a matter of ritual!!! he claims" how am i to know" ... well ure mom's been keeping the damn fast for the last 30 years... if u dont know who knows?!
Fuck u...fuck u... fuck u all

Its over

2008-10-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

life is tough and i'm crumbling under the pressure. My faculties are beginning to go for a toss and i really dont know what to do anymore.
I tried long and hard to find a job and each disappointment has sent me further into my shell. The latest has come at a point when I thought the job was practically in my pocket... they asked me for my details, my previous salary slip etc., i was told that an offer was in the making... and so I waited.... I am still waiting. After 2 weeks of a constant mind fuck, I finally called them to figure out that its not happening. and whom do I have to blame... the financial meltdown.
I'd made pledges... promises to myself... to work hard... prove myself, do better than my best. I had dreams which no longer matter. I wanted to be someone too... maybe not the CEO of the next big financial conglomerate, but to be successful...and now... my mental strength is vaining... the heart doesnt cooperate with the head... the mind cannot face anymore rejections.
Today...I am defunt... this machine is has rusted.
They say be strong... BUT i'm finished...

Liar

2008-10-09T10:39:00.000-07:00

people who dont lie very often find it doubly hard to lie, is it not?

I credit myself with being an honest person ( more or less) but sometimes, when things arent going exactly as planned, I do lie... it's not compulsive... its just a means to an end. Most of the times I just forget about it and then there are others ( like right now) when the guilt is ready to eat me alive!!!

Ok... so i did something major... and then to cover it up, I lied... now if i'd lied to my mom or dad or hubby, it'd might still be excusible, but I didnt. I dont want to get into the details of it, coz its just tooo utterly, totally, absolutely humiliating... however at this point in time, I feel like a piece of shit... scared that my lie will be caught, and everyone I love will be soooo disappointed in me.

The other way is to just come out with it... but just like lying, one needs guts for that too... so I'm in this moral dilemma, where my brain is rotting with guilt and I simply dont have the courage to confess.

therefore, I find myself praying... gawd! i feel like such a hypocrite even saying this... but yes, its true... have been praying that the lie doesnt get caught, and I'm able to work things out smoothly.

I'm never gonna lie about MAJOR things again! ...Hypocrite...!! why lie about small things either?!

Tell me one person who's never lied in his/ her life. Do they exist? I dont think so. And if u do a major gocchi then where do u go and hide?! what do I do.... this boat is sinking!

I'm in Pain

2008-10-06T22:39:00.000-07:00

Too much information blocks my brain...
of an unknown girl of 18 who died... of the cigarettes i've been smoking since i was 18... of the father whom i dont know, but love since i could reason.... of the illnesses which plague me, my family. i am but a muddle of thoughts right now.
His hands keep shaking... lifting that cuppa tea, or that spoon to eat... and he goes to get it checked... they say that the shivers which run through his nerves might be the early signs of Parkinsons disease... and i feel the tear running down my face as he tells me... i love him... daddy.... Oh! daddy! Daddy daddy daddy.
I ponder at the unexpectedness of it all.. of the swiftness with which he changed from the young dad to the old man... his face hangs and his eyes droop... and it scares me when i look at him... coz i need him... i need them both... my only solace... my only consolation... the beats which keep me ticking.
She fainted a month ago... her sugar was high... i know the diesease is eating her alive... I hug her to feel bones alone... the flesh slowly disappearing... and the physical pain inside my chest is unbearable... coz I love.
Ans so i think... why love? detach... but how does one detach from those that matter ... for those who make ure life meaningul... for those who give u reason to smile.... coz I love... therefore I am in pain.

Sore Loser

2008-10-05T20:18:00.000-07:00

The pleasure I get from competing troubles me sometimes. There are things about myself which I still cant seem to fathom...the irritation which hits me in the middle of my eyes every time I realise things aren't going exactly how they should be ... when I'm not on top of the game.
we've been competing since childhood, havent we? trying to win the rat race... trying to earn that extra buck... trying to get the best scores... trying to be the one to reckon with... trying to be IT ALL...
2 incidents come to mind when I think of what competitive sport... or competition per se means to me:

1) Am in the process of trying to master the spanish language... am nowhere close! started learning a month and a half ago... muy bien!! So there i am mugging the vocabulary to the core... trying to understand the difference between ' ER' verbs and ' AR' verbs... reflexive versis regular verbs... and it is slowly driving me insane... but then again, i need to be on top of things... so i struggle and I cry and I prepare for the mid-term exam.
Hubby sees my enthusiasm... gets into the groove himself... takes a day off work, so he can study just as much... i study harder, seeing him pacing up and down the room and mugging away.
We head towards the exam centre... i'm still flipping through my books in the car... we sit one seat apart... the examination begins..... tic toc tic toc... and i'm frantically churning out all the vocabulary i can come up with... it is but complicated...
He peeps into my paper once... twice... thrice... and i let him cheat from me... coz that's what we did in school and college... that was almost the norm ... wasnt it? u dont hide ure answers from a friend in need... especially if he's ure hubby, ya?!
i submit my paper... and he submits his... the profesora says she'll check the papers then and there... Sure... why not? i wait...hanging on to every mark which i get, as i watch her check my paper.... finally... vocab+ comprehension= 69/75.... WOW!!!! thats not bad at all for a start! am thrilled...
she begins checking hubby's paper... i'm holding onto every mark... i know inspite of myself i WANT to score better than him... I studied harder than him, for christ sake!!! ... vocab+ comprehension= 71.5/75... he's gloating... he's crossed the '70 mark' ... he's showing off!!!
I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!! I control myself, gather my things and we head home... am in constant conversation with myself, and none with him... he cannot fathom my behaviour... i know i'm being unreasonable... am sulking.... non stop... and yet there are tears pricking me at the back of my eyes... and i want to hit him for cheating from me and then going and scoring better than me... and i go on to ruin the day by being cold and mean ... but i cannot bring myself to tell him why... i cannot bring myself to admit that i was feeling like shit because of 1 1/2 mark!!! ....and i'm a child again...
2) We play badminton on weekends... it was my idea... i know i'm a better player than him... have been playing longer.... practicing harder and simply know the tactics of the game... it's been 4 weeks since we started playing, and invariably i win.... but somewhere along the way, he's figured out my game... he knows where i'll hit, he can counter the drop shots and the smashes... and he knows where to hit, where i wont be able to reach the shuttle. I cheat. i dont deny it... but so does he... there is no net... there are no boundaries... we play in the backyard... and so the game is rough... unfair...and simply rude. Today he won the first game... I, the second... him the third... I, the fourth....BUT... i didnt start out well... I lost the first game... and that was all that was needed to get me fuming... i started hitting all over the court... i deliberately made him run... hit the shuttle in corners which were unfair...and even though we were even at the end of the game... i was feeling like shit... why? because i played unfair... because i knew that somehow my victory was hollow... the games i'd won, were not mine to begin...
so i lashed out at him... coz that's what people do... when u know that u've wronged, all ure defenses stand up... and i told him that today's was a crappy game, and he played badly. Did he expect the shuttle to fall into his lap? wasnt a game meant that he needed to move around in court? what the hell was he doing... blah... blah... blah....

And THEN I say i'm competitive....
I just realised ... i'm a sore loser... and i think almost 90% of us are... it just takes a lot of heart to end the game with a smile on ure face... I feel like shit

today... I am

2008-07-27T20:07:00.000-07:00

days gone by... and more days which pass.
I've been watching them go by... in a haze... coz thats what i do... thats what I know... thats what i like...
i will believe that one of these days things will hit me... i'll digest what ive done... i'll understand the lives i've linked to mine... till then... i'm just a silent observer

Life after Death

2008-06-27T00:22:00.000-07:00

Its been three months and finally I feel the need to write.
Hmm... what do I tell u? That I'm happily married and living a life of bliss or that finally dreams are becoming a reality.
I probably shouldve listened... should have thought some more... analysed... rationalised... but my decision making ability had gone for a six, and continues to be missing till date.

So how were the last two months, u ask? A haze, I tell u...

I look at the husband and rarely recognize him... I look at myself in the mirror and try to talk.. "ure married now, things have changed... life is different... things dont happen the way they used to when u were single and free"

Well.. the concept suddenly seems overrated.... and now that i'm neck deep into shit... I wanna get out and how!!!

Ofcourse... there are few choices when one is in a situation such as mine ... and so i continue to break head over the inevitability of it all.

There are a few things which I have discovered about myself since the wedding:

- I'm a highly individualistic person... its next to impossible to share myself with anyone... I just love myself too much... or dont?
- I've put people into soo many stereotypes all my life, that now its impossible not to categorise. Impossible not to laugh at tradition... impossible not to note conformism... impossible not to be the rebel in a norm bound society.
- I'm probably in greater mental trouble than I had anticipated initially. The mind plays games with you, if u allow it too... but what happens when u let the mind dictate u completely. When u are no seperate from ure irrational thoughts... when u are the thoughts... when u are ruled by them... when u get panic attacks simply from thinking too much... when the hair on the back of ure neck stand and u feel heat, simply because u see a black hole called life stretching out infront of u. Who says that the picture of that life cannot be happy... it can be... but when the mind clouds ure head with negativity.

When the inclination to fix ure life leaves u...

How do I bring myself to make an effort... for him... for myself... how can u make ureself love someone who is a complete antithesis of anyone u ever wanted to be with.
Now that the deed is done... how do I carry on?

This too shall pass

2008-03-18T03:10:00.000-07:00

And so... the deed is done.
I met a stranger and now strange things seem to be happening to me. I decided to do the unexpected, and now the unexpected is happening to me.
I'm getting married... on the 19th of April...to a man whom I met a month ago.
Life has been moving like a tornado since I made the decision. Facts and fiction blurred. Is it MY wedding or someone else's?
The woman who lives in a dream, has been hit by reality, and doesnt know where to turn.
Don't ask me how I did it... how I said yes. I've tried to decipher that exact question ever so often in the last month. I look at myself in the mirror and am not certain that it's me...
He is everything my parents want... and at some level so do I. I wanted to be with someone who respected me... and here I have all the respect in the world. I wanted to be appreciated for who I am.. and that is exactly what is happening.
And yet...the past haunts me... my decisions haunt me... my life haunts me....I haunt me.
The mentally deranged woman in me screams again and again. The Rudali crying inside of me... what do I want? Dunno. Just to let it out.

Love Story?

2008-01-03T00:22:00.000-08:00

I finally decided to write a post. what prompted this decision? Dont Ask.
Have been living in a shell for the last month. Happily? Sadly? Dunno.

Didnt feel the need to share... to communicate... to speak. Underground. Ground under.

Christmas... New Years... came and went. Nothing overwhelming... until yesterday.

Yesterday, I got up and I knew I was going to make the move. Do something. What?
I didnt know until afternoon. and then it came to me. I couldnt take it anymore. I just had to hear his voice.

I made the call.

" Hello"
" Hi"
"How're you doing?"
" Who's that?"
" It's me."
" Oh... Hiii! How r u?"
"Good. you?"
"Good. Nice of you to have called"
" Only because you sent me the 'Happy New Year' message"
" I missed you on New Years, was in Goa"
" So did I."
" Should I call you once I'm back in Delhi? I'm back by evening today."
" You do that. Bye"
"Bye"

Brief. Revealing. Short. Long.

By evening, there were pin pricks at the base of my feet. I met a friend for a drink. One drink. Two drink. Three Drink. Happy. Ready to do anything. In my head, my decision was made... I was going to say bye to the friend and go meet him. I couldnt tell her, so I pretended to go home and then called him the minute I sat in the car. I detected the surprise in his voice.
I suggested we meet. It didnt take him half a second to think. I was on my way to his place.

We met. We met... we met. 3 months too long. He stepped out, shivering. The hood of his jacket covering his head and the Goan sun slowly dying in his eyes.

I loved him that second... and I know I will always love him. There is no turning back. But there is a dream which we lived together and which is as vivid in my head as the second which just passed.

We went for a coffee. I wanted to touch his face. I took his permission He granted it happily. I lived my dream, in that touch.

We had coffee... made small talk. Headed home. He shook my hand goodbye. I looked at him.
The moment existed and it was real... and then it passed.

2007-12-03T22:45:00.000-08:00

So... the office has finally shifted to Gur ( fucking) gaon. Jaggery village is not sitting down too well with me. Too sweet for my taste buds.
Today, I travelled an hour to get to office, only to fight with the parking lot attendents for 1/2 hour.
I come upstairs to the 7th floor, to fight with the admin over the rudeness of the guards. I am pacified. Post 1/2 hr I'm questioned by the admin people about the exact loaction of my car. I am subtly told that it is ' reserved parking' for the freaking seniors. I obviously dont fit in.
I find my seat, and discover that I'm sitting next to just about THE MOST boring people in office. I try to change my seat, however am not permitted.
I dont have a chair, so I steal one. I dont have a mouse so I borrow one.
I have a spare monitor sitting on my desk, which I would like to simply pick up and throw out the 7th floor. Wont that be a sight?!!
She's finally lost it. Yes... it was coming all along... and now its finally happened.

I'm giving up on this place... and I can feel the anger bubbling under.
Is quitting an option? Do people quit because they dont get parking space in the morning. Can I set an example?
For all u fools out there.... can I lead ure way? I promise u, I wont disappoint.

Scream

2007-11-22T22:22:00.000-08:00

I want to scream soo loud that my throat goes hoarse and the world stops in its path.

I want my lungs to explode with smoke and my eyes to pop out.

I want to collapse from exhaustion and feel my body going numb on me.

I want to go to the hills where my voice echoes and the surroundings absorb my pain.

I want to feel all feeling leave my body, so I'm free to feel anew.

Met the Parents

2007-11-05T21:37:00.000-08:00

Eventful weekend.
Stubbed the cigarettes. Hid the alcohol. Smoked the joints over. And sobered out.
It was time to meet the parents.
The dress designers consisted of mom and mausi. Clear instructions were handed out
" Underdress... without too much makeup" Followed the ruled, blindly.

A red and black suit.. natural makeup... no lipstick. Looked sorted. The kind of a girl every ma-in-law craves for. ( well... maybe!)

They entered... full of warmth and laughter. I sat... surrounded... shy inspite of myself. Have never been scrutinised like this before. So just didnt know how to react. spoke when spoken to. Laughed at the right points. Smiled when was smiled at. I was all nerves, and I knew it... maybe even they knew it.
They went out of their way to make me comfortable. I liked it. I liked them. I pictured myself hugging the mom. The thought didnt suffocate me to death. It seemed possible.
Infact, it happened!!! On her way out.. the lady turns around and hugs me tight ... " now its upto u, beta. "
Upto me?! Huh? come to think about it... maybe.

I went and looked at myself in the mirror later. Not a bad looking girl, I say. Show Stopper? No. Head Turner? Yes.
I want things to work. For once. I'm trying to be open about this. Besides that unbelievable smile has gone and gotten stuck somewhere in my throat... between my wind pipe and heart. I breathe it everyday. I look at it atleast once a day to figure out what it means.
Which is why I'm scared. When you want things real bad, and they are close to materializing, and you want the forces to work in your favour... its times like those that disappointment is hard to take.
Questions race through my mind... what if we dont click? What if he doesnt like me? the thought of me not liking him, crosses my mind... but I doubt it. If he's a reflection of his parents... he'll be nice. I'm certain. ... sorta certain! I hope!

I have to wait... patiently. Till Dec end. He's coming. We will meet. But so far, life seems to have started moving.... positively.

2007-10-30T23:54:00.000-07:00

An uneasy feeling grips me from time to time. That time is now. And the feeling has gripped me by the neck and is threatening to strangle me once again.
I would like to articulate the reasons, but they elude me... or I pretend they do.
I peep into the blackhole called 'future' and it scares me.

I walk left and right, thinking of nothing... something. Uneasy.. as always.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, till my chest feels heavy and my mouth goes dry. I want to throw up, but I havent eaten anything.

I long for ma. she's coming this weekend... the days crawl by. I dream a bad dream and I get up with a heavy head.
Unable to smile... so I perfect the fake.

The New Car

2007-10-21T22:46:00.000-07:00

The weekend has gone. And it has been an eventful weekend all right.
I took the first step towards investing in a major project- a car.
Bought a Santro Xing GLS... wine red.
No more getting baked in the heat... no more discomfort... no more bearing the bumps on the roads. Exhilerating.
Have been behaving like a psychopath, ever since I was handed the key. Screaming and shouting at every loser on the road. Praying that people maintain a one-arm distance from my beauty. Honking like there's no tom. ( that's when I hate people who use the horn non-stop while driving!)

Got the entire security system in place and will be buying the music system very soon. Top of the line, with an USB port and MP3 player. It's required.
Have been driving that run down 800 for 3 years now, and the Santro comes like a breath of fresh air, after years of pure torture.

The nervousness was obvious, when I went with mom to buy sweets and then the temple. Being dusshera yesterday, the roads were packed to the hilt, and my mom was sadly subjected to my endless list of abuses, meant for insensitive scooterists and drivers. At one point, I screamed... asking her to shut her door, for I saw cars zipping past... and had an unreal vision of a car breaking the door of my new love on the very first day she walked into my life. My mom looked at me aghast... " Baby u're getting phobic. just relax."
I retaliated" I'll get out and slap anyone who dares to touch my car."

Living in Delhi... the car is bound to undergo her share of scratches and bumps. however... I hope to protect her, till its humanly possible!

On my way to work today, almost went crazy when I got stuck in a traffic jam. Neck to neck driving with angry scooterists trying to inch through the little space between cars, drove me up the wall. I sat, red alert... managing to reach office, without a scartch. Whew!
I was trying to observe the vehicles on the road last evening... and I wasnt able to spot a single one, which didnt have a scratch, or a dent, or a bump. I felt sad.
Its gonna be tough... but I dont want to give up on my darling just yet. Give her up to the angry Delhi roads... subject her to the same shit which every car has gone through here.
I will fight for her rights!!!!
Super Excited... for now.

I'm 27

2007-10-16T01:46:00.000-07:00

I'm not talking to him.

Though... i'd like to. I'd like to talk to him loadz. To laugh with him. To spend time with him. To see that innocent face again and again. To run away somewhere where noone questions... noone objects.

I'm proud of him this time. He's not said a word ( xcept for a few random messages here and there) He's let me be, just like I wanted. His self control is not as good as mine (I think) I've seen him on his knees. Its not a nice sight to see a man on his knees... but then, he's not a man. He's a boy. And I'm not a girl, I'm a woman (I think!). Who's to decide?

He promised to stay away from me and he did it. I'm proud of him.

I'm smoking like a chimney. I'd decided not to smoke on my Birthday. Yes... I turned 27 on the 11th of October. 12 o'clock and no party... no inclination for one either. Random calls which I didnt want to take... of people who cared... people who bothered to stay up till 12 to wish me. And I decided I didnt want to talk to anyone. So i didn't. Life has become so strange, that now caring for other people's emotions has become totally inconsequential. Indifference prevails.

My best friend in the whole world, messaged me Happy B'day... didnt call. That's Ok. Guess we're all going through our own self-created hell.

Spent the day in a meeting. Post which, tried to figure out, where I had pictured myself at 27. Not here. Not like this. I had my life sorted at 20. I'd mapped out the progression- great job, settled and ready to go. Where am I? A job where my boss is a living specimen of the cold-blooded species. A personal life where I fell 'out of love' with the 'love of my life' due to fuckall circumstances. Where I hurt a guy who loved me with a passion, I'm incapable of returning. So I spent the day huddled in a shell. Inconsolable. Longing for something... anything.

Ma calls me almost everyday now. I think she's worried about me (I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME! ) I listen to her monologue about eating good food, health ... the works (what's with mom's and food, i'll never figure that one out?!)
She called me repeatedly on d B'Day, wanting to know what i'm doing. Whether I'm partying my guts out or not. Whether I'm doing something new, other than going crazy.
I told her politely... "No, I'm going crazy all right. I like it that way. I'm not meeting anyone. Infact, am cutting off from the world. Going into hibernation. Its peaceful. Less troublesome."
She listened. A pained silence followed. An hour later she called again to ask the same questions.
I gave the same answers.
That was my B'day. I'm 27.

Home Alone

2007-10-15T01:06:00.002-07:00

Shaken... not stirred... beyond repair.
Every side I turn... a wall. I bang my head against it. I hurt. I bleed. And still no opening.
When things happen, and you lose control of them somewhere in the middle, what do you do?
When you wake up one day and realise that you have made a complete mess of your life, what do you do?
When you want to undo, but cant, what do you do?
When there is a thickness in your chest and a blob in your throat all day long, what do you do?
When you're screaming silently through a regular conversation, what do you do?
When you'd like to freefall off a cliff into an endless pit forever, what do you do?
I dont know what to do.
...............................................................................

Home... away from the mess around me. But how do I fight the mess within?
I went to the old man to help me fight. He tried. He failed.
I lay endlessly with my head in ma's lap, the tears soaking her kurta. She stroked my hair to calm me down. Sleep came, suddenly. She sat there for hours. Watching me... maybe praying for her daughter's sanity.
Underwent some therapy through shopping. spending money only gives temporary relief, I've realised.
Rummaged through the miniature library and chanced upon a book called, ' Conversations with the Master' by Satguru Jaggi Vasudev. Whatever. Tried self-help, wasn't in the mood for it. Wanted to let the frustration out.
Sleep evaded me, the restlessness inside taking over my mind and body. Afloat. Underground. Falling. Running against the whirlwind. And the tears didnt stop.
Took a million little minutes out to question them. Where was my centre? Focus. Balance. Lost.

I crave for peace. And it plays with me. I crave for certainty, and it laughs at me.
I've had a headache for days, and now even the head's stopped fighting it.

Is there someone listening?!

Black Magic Man

2007-10-08T02:05:00.000-07:00

I believe in black magic... and voodoo dolls... and all the cranks who walk the planet.... in the dark side.

I once went to an old man (more than once actually) who looked at me long and hard. He was dark and wrinkled, with one glass eye. He had bad teeth and a crooked smile. But roughened hands with delicate fingers...those hands had done a lot, seen a lot. Those hands chose to help me....I let those hands help me.
He quietly listened to me, as tears ran down my cheek.

"Jo tu chahegi woh hee hoga"

I didnt believe him. He asked me to be patient. He wrote something on 3 pieces of paper with a yellow sketch pen. I watched the illegible handwriting. Watched as the beautiful hands drew words in Urdu which I didnt understand.

"Paani mein dalkar pee ja"

I went home... excited... apprehensive... scared.
I drank yellow water, and sat on the bed.
I heard mom calling me from a distance. I ran down the steps and started chatting with her. I read a book. Watched TV. Went to the market. But didnt cry...But didnt cry... But didnt think... But didnt remember the pain.

I'm going to him this weekend.

Get a Grip

2007-10-03T13:15:00.000-07:00

So, I got up in the morning and changed the music on my ipod. No more weird music.
So, I'm listening to Cranberries,Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Mathews Band now..instead of Imogen Heap, Emiliana Torrini, and the likes! It helps.

So, am driving to office and the mind goes psycho on me again. But I dont allow the tears to come, as much as they give me an eye-ache, somewhere in there. Will exercise mental pressure from now on to suppress the overwhelming feeling of blob-in-throat, which haunts me 24-7.

Oh... not to forget... in the midst of all the mental fuck up, have also decided to try and quit nicotene today. Good step, bad timing. But think, it works within the larger thought of 'trying to get a grip on myself'. I'll be super proud if i'm able to quit NOW, and not any other time in my life. So lets do it.

All in all, I'm going to try and toughen myself as much as I can...

(cant ignore the 26 years of sheltered parental, educational, social environment within which I have existed, and which has resulted in this mega-emotional, over-sensitive nightmare that I am! It takes time...

Will take a while to realise that things happen, and there's nothing one can do about them, so I just gotto learn to deal with them.)
......................................................................

When I think about the course of events in the last 2 months, I realise that I've actually been going with the flow. Allowing myself to be swept away with the whirlwind, like a pale, dying leaf. In the hope of being rescued. Waiting for a miracle.

Tonly reality which is staring me in my face is - miracles don't happen... life happens... and one has to live with it.

Trying to wake up...slowly... painfully.

Making an attempt to get a grip. I cant say with complete conviction that I shall succeed. (Dont be surprised if u read another weird-ass post in a week's time!)

However, lets try.

Tabula Rasa

2007-09-28T19:13:00.000-07:00

I went to Tabula Rasa.
Inspite of all the apprehension... I made sure I was there... to hear the music!!

(How I lie to myself is not funny. I do it on a daily basis. Its disgusting)

I met him there. I knew I would. The minute I stepped in, my searching eyes spotted him.
He came up to me and spoke... was nice, in a polite sort of way. An obligation of a conversation. Death of a conversation. We went to separate corners and pretended to enjoy the music ( at least I was pretending)
I was shaky. Kept looking left and right. Friend told me to stop behaving like that, to look composed, like I couldn't care less. I tried. But I was obviously not doing a good job of it.
Had 2 more beers, mustered up some guts and said hello again. After 2 mins of cordial, 'How've u been?'... the beer started telling in my tone. Weird questions started emerging from nowhere and found my voice to express themselves.
'So, seeing someone now?'
'Who's the 'bitch ure with?' ( yes... I said that!Post which nose-dived into 'I hate all the bitches who lay eyes on you' tangent for 15 min...also went to the extent of saying that I would like to sock the bitch with you at that moment. I'm the bitch here.)
'U thought u could experiment with me some more ya?'

This was just a tiny peep into my endless list of fucked-up-questions-which-should-never-have been-thought-leave-alone-asked!!!

I'm so embarrassed and disappointed with myself. Like I didn't hate myself enough, I had to go and prove to him that...YES SIR! I AM WEAK. I AM NOT TAKING THIS WELL. I AM CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED.... IN SIMPLE WORDS... I'M FULL OF SHIT ANYWAY, SO WHY DON'T U SHIT ON ME SOME MORE... STARTING NOW!!

I wanna die.

Predicament

2007-09-28T06:51:00.001-07:00

Medeival Pundits and Indian Ocean are playing tonight at Tabula Rasa.

I want to go.
Itching to go.
Simultaneously don't want to go.
Itching to run into my shell.

I know the reason for both.
Can you guess it?

Her Random Thoughts

2007-09-27T23:52:00.000-07:00

Wanna write... say so many things. How do I frame my sentences? How should I word myself so that you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
Is there a word beyond relatability or empathy, which will be able to make you see how I feel this very second?

listening to Sheryl Crow interspersed with Tori Amos. Mismatched moods... disjointed thoughts... consequently am jumping from one plane to another within my own mind space.

................................................................

She was on her way to meet mom. Somewhat detatched from all the happenings around her. She crossed the road in a dream and reached Mcdonalds. Thats where they were to meet for lunch.
Pleasant conversations interspersed with hints.... Men.... a Man.... Mr 23?!
The conversation slowly turned ugly. Sharpness in the voice.

The table behind her had people from work. She was embarassed of the scene which was in the making. She wanted to disappear.... ironically .... into her mom's arms somewhere.
She didnt mind the argument in itself... she had already left it behind her.
She watched herself talk from in between the folds of her mom's salwar. She smiled at her own incredulous words. She was still a child at 26, and mom was the only person with whom she could be her true self.
She was nasty... mean... to the person whom she could die for. Coz she knew she'd be forgiven. She always had been.
She cursed the Men... the Man. she cursed family, friends...mom...dad.
And when emotion ran dry, she tried indifference. It all worked ...tears stung mom's eyes...coz mom didnt know that she was just a pawn... in a game created by her over imaginative heartless daughter.

Lunch ended. She got up to head back towards work. The atmosphere was sapped of energy. With tired expressions they parted ways.

As she walked towards the road, she felt guilty. She always felt guilty. She always did this and then felt guilty. Always realising later that there was she and only she doing the talking... and it had all been real... not a dream. She was not hiding in mom's lap. She was real. The argument was real. Mom was real. Every emotion was real. Life was real. Life was unfair. Life should'nt be like this. Life cannot be so unfair. She had done nothing to loose herself to her thoughts. She had done nothing to live a double life within herself. She did nothing. Then why?

She watched the traffic speed past. she saw herself walk through it.. not dodge it... but walk through it. She saw herself hit by a red truck with an angry face. She saw herself lying soaked in blood... relieved.

Redlight. She crossed over and reached her destination. She met him. She narrated the details of the meeting.

She saw his face fall. She did nothing.

Once again, she had broken his heart in cold blood. She did it on a daily basis. Had become a natural at it!

Somewhere, she also wanted to hug him and tell him she's sorry for being cruel. She was sorry for all the pain. She was sorry for becoming the person she had become.
Every ounce of emotion squeezed out.

From a distance, she saw herself holding him, crying, with him.

But standing there, she did nothing. No tears came. She felt nothing... coz she wasnt there. She had disappeared... somewhere in her mom's salwar... or in the screaming traffic.
She had been leading a life which didnt belong to her in the first place, so how could she give it to him?

'If Only's' went through her head. In a different time, in a different space, when she was a different she... things would have been different.

If only she really existed.

TOI... My Love

2007-09-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Spirits have lifted!

Woke up today from sound sleep. Completely blank. Can't recall any nightmares...
A great achievement, considering my state of total disarray in the mornings.

Haven't been watching TV for a while now, so had completely missed the action on the Indian team's arrival in Mumbai.
Went to the dining table... sorted through the Express, HT and Hindu, to locate my favorite... TOI.... and boy! is it my favorite.
Today... I have finally uncovered the reason why I love this paper so much. The entire front page spread has a massive picture of the Indian cricket team on their ' vijay rath' surrounded by millions and millions of people... somewhere on Marine Drive ( I think).
Yes... all the papers covered the story... all of them put it as front page news... but TOI ( my love) took things a step further, giving it a full page spread!!!

Call me a sucker for sensationalism... but how else is a paper expected to make a mark in the heart of so much competition.

That is not to say, that I'm against objective journalism... but it's about that sixth sense... about how to hit a nerve with the consumer. It is also a combination of the overall look, colour scheme, placement of news etc... but when every paper is showcasing the same news ( maybe a Hindu and Indian Express are even giving me some more intelligent analysis) then why is it that TOI is the largest circulating English Daily in the country?

The reason being... TOI just knows what the reader wants. Not the first time, TOI has proved that it's a notch above the rest... however...

Bravo!!

They did it again... Grabbed my attention, and I'm certain of many others as well.

I love my TOI :)

Dear God

2007-09-25T12:55:00.000-07:00

Paint the town red
Use my viens instead
Milk them dry
Till the end

Can I be of help?
While you shred
The remaining gob
Of an existence unknown?

I promise not to scream
In anticipation of the high
Enchanting surprise
For slow death

It might be fun
To watch from afar
As structure blends
Into nothingness

I anticipate euphoria
During your filthy pleasure
With a lewd itch for
Fruition in the waiting

My dehydrated eyes
Plead
Accept my coaxing
You know you want to

Static Progress

2007-09-25T10:41:00.000-07:00

As anticipated... the day has begun on a sour note.

Have been bombarded with phone calls by folks outlining the merits of 'mystery prospective (fucking) groom'

Its pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

My reactions have been most non-commital. Considering the extent of my anger at this entire situation, all I did was hear them out... quietly.

Silence is dangerous... it can be misjudged for acceptance. I deliberately let them misjudge my silence and now I'm regretting it.

Regretting it? I'm not sure... I'm simply confused over the course of action I should undertake. Post lunch, I am expecting a photograph, which I've been told to approve. Because...

"The family is good... the guy is good... blah... blah... blah... "

A part of me revolts strongly at the thought of getting married to a complete stranger... I mean... who the hell is he? Where did he come from? what if he's a wife beater?

Another part of me questions my own decisions... Have I not had enough of experimenting? Past breakups... present fuck ups.

Am I in control of my own life, to be able to make a wise decision for myself?

Bad Day

2007-09-25T07:30:00.000-07:00

Its 7.30am ... n I cant sleep.

for some it might be the ideal time to wake up... kick start the day with a li'l yoga, laughing club etc.

For me... It's just plain EARLY !!! :)

India won the match, ya?! I spent the evening celebrating... was fantastic. Considering my scorn towards Indian sports and Cricket in particular...I was happy that we managed to win SOMETHING!!

Just being nasty there... excuse me!

No, man!!! We played well... throughout the tournament. It was a well deserved victory, and I gave it it's due by rightly celebrating.

And then I came home... hit the bed. But that little devil of an escape eluded me and I was tossing throughout the night trying to grab it... if only for a few seconds.

Kept having reality checks through the night:
Wondering "Is this really happening???"

And I got pin pricks behind my neck, and a queasy feeling in my stomach.
Had a smoke which didn't help. Was cold from time to time... and then hot and flushed. got up... charged around the room. No help.

n now I'm wide awake, with a fuck-all headache... pissed off.
Today's gonna be a baaadddd day...

Noone come in my way!!

Men. Men. Men

2007-09-23T22:46:00.000-07:00

Weekends... oh! weekends!

What a weekend.

Out partying... 2 movies in 2 days... lots of action, no conciliation... with myself.

Kept myself distracted through the last two days. Went out and indulged in mindless activites.
But you know the mind... it never stops, does it?!

New developments happen simultaneously... parents have presented me with a new predicament. Another man.
As always... the need to see me settled, surpasses any other depressive tendencies of mine which they need to help me with from time to time.

I hear out the proposal. In their voice, I detect the eagerness veiled with apprehension. after all, how many men have I rejected on the basis of xyz criteria. I rejected a guy on the basis of his moustache.

For christ sake! Who does that? How superficial am I?????!!

But I ask u, my friends, an honest, serious question... in this day and age, which sane man keeps a moustache? And...if he does keep a moustach.... then is it a reflection of a way of thinking or not????

Men. Men. Men.

They're getting on my nerves... from every angle possible. Breathing fire down my neck and pumping poison in my blood. Wanting a piece of me while killing my mind and soul.
The extreme sense of revulsion I feel towards these species of blood sucking maggots, suprises me.
Question being... am I ever likely to get over this? Any inclination to give... to do something for someone is gone. And now another man who wants to enter my zone of madness.

Why?

Would it interest him to know that I'm not the kind of girl one gets settled with. I will ... in all likelyhood drive myself and him crazy with my own dementia.

Maybe, I shall communicate with the man... have a real conversation... put my cards on the table... reveal my true nature... and then let him judge whether he really wants to do this.
If I were him... I'd pack my bags and run as fast as I can!!! hahaha!

Ive decided to have some fun with this situation... to create some excitement in my boring life. Give the guy a dose. After all, he's decided to invade my privacy at a time when I'm nicely curled up in my shell... sulking.
I know I'm sulking... and I want to... for a while. Till I find my smile again. He might want to plant that smile on my face... but do I want him to, is the question. Hmmmm... lemme see.... no! Thank you, mister. I'm doing just fine without you!!!!!!!!!!!

Guarded

2007-09-20T22:44:00.000-07:00

I have become cold. Like stone.
You may even call me a bitch. I'm ok. It doesnt matter to me anymore.

Yes, I am one... and it doesnt make a fig of a difference to me.

I trampled all over Mr.23's feelings today. hacked them. Slaughtered them... in cold blood. Without emotion.
And I didnt feel a thing.

It's a bad time to be in love with me. I'm not in the mood right now. I don't feel like giving and I don't feel like compromising... on anything... for anything... for anyone.

I feel bad... in a cold sort of way. I'm hurting him... breaking his heart... but then how many fucking times has my heart been broken by men.

Infact, at some level am even taking out my anger against the male species in general, on Mr.23.
It's cruel to be so cruel. It's unfair to him as an individual... leave alone man. I've told him a dozen times to stay away from me... I'm not ok... I'm not right for him... I'm messed up.... but the guy doesnt give up. And so... he comes in the path of my anger and burns his fingers.

Noone can come along... claim to love me... and then fuck me over. Not this time, buster! Uh Huh... not happening.

Strange Happenings

2007-09-19T22:57:00.000-07:00

A few strange things :

The First:

I found myself borrowing some books day before yesterday. At that point I did not really think much about it. Was happy to be reading authors whom I havent really read in the past.
I picked up Nausea by Sartre, Laughable Loves by Milan Kundera, Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche.

Started by reading Laughable Loves. A book of short stories on relationships and the underlying thoughts which make them. The stories are unlike any I have read till date. Revealing insights into the psyche of men and women. Short. Crisp and moving.
Every thought has been articulated beautifully and leaves me questioning my very understanding of the opposite sex (But then I am a poor judge of character, per say!)
However... would recommend it to anyone interested in more than just mills and boons.

So, there I am... trying to read Laughable Loves during even a second of free time. Therefore, carried it to office yesterday... and then very conveniently left it on my desk ( aaarrggh! hate myself for being so forgetful!) Reached home and started missing it terribly.
So decided to flip to Sartre.

The lead character of the book is writing a diary, and I read the first two pages of it.
The protagonist feels something has been changing slowly... either within him, or in his surroundings. Every movement, every act is different. From the way the fork looks to when he tries to turn the door knob. He is unable to fathom the reason for this change... however the change exists.

So... there I am, sitting on the pot, reading Sartre... and suddenly a thought strikes me-

Why is it that I found these books now? Of all the books I could've borrowed, why did I borrow the ones I did? How is it that, what I've been feeling lately is reflected within the pages I am reading?

I've been amazed at this thought... things happen... one doesnt know how they happen... but they do...

I chanced upon these books NOW... and NOT a few years earlier... in another space and time.

It's strange... and I've been feeling even more unreal since this thought popped into my head. Is there a god? Am not really religious by nature... but have been thinking... is it possible that there is some force which is making things happen the way they are happening?
Dunno.

The Second:

Randomly sitting and eating butter chicken and naan ... after work... Tired...Exhausted.
Have mehndi on my hands from a wedding I attended last weekend.
I start talking palmistry with Mr.23... and he claims to be a bit of an expert. I smile disbelievingly, but put my hand forward. the lines are hardly visible behind the dirty orange-brown plastered all over them.
He tries to study my palm carefully. I'm waiting for a revelation sarcastically.

"You're bordering on insanity"

The hair behind my neck stand up, and I feel a chill run down my spine. I laugh artificially.
He's serious, " No, look... this line here is slanting downwards.. it implies either depression or insanity"
I reply defensively" What do u know about palmistry... besides I have mehndi on my hands... you can barely tell the lines. So.. skip it."
He's firm, " Ive read plenty of books, and I know what I'm talking about"
I'm indifferent and decide that I dont want to talk about it any further.

But I'm scared... He's let words escape into the air, which I am afraid to say to myself.
I know... somewhere in there... I'm crazy... I create a facade around me ... with a smiling face and nice hello's... but behind it all... lerks madness.

..........................................................................

So.... what do I understand of these wierd happenings. Am I reading too much into them?
Overdoing the thinking is simply part of my character... unlikely to change.

But there's something strange going on in my world... and I don't know what it is.

Rambling Thoughts

2007-09-19T07:36:00.000-07:00

Two posts in one day...
must be pretty zonked today.

Tried to concentrate on work... managed it.... but my thoughts were constantly interspersed with flights of imagination.

Had my ipod glued to my ears... I like it that way. The music hasnt really helped me calm down, instead... only contributed to this out of body experience which Ive been having lately.
I changed the music yesterday... and have somehow managed to put music which resonates with my thoughts.

So instead of lifting my spirits, it put me in more of a contemplative mood.

I like it somehow.

I'm one of those people who like to dwell in their misery. Irony of it all- I have nothing to be miserable about.

For days on an end, have been trying to pin point what the problem is... but this sense of loss just doesnt seem to leave me.

Mr. 23 has been a support... but my heart tells me it's not enough. I would like to communicate about my feelings to him, but am unable to. He reads my face... sends me messages asking what wrong... and yet, not a word comes out of my mouth.
How do I explain to the man, that I'm lost. I'm not aware of myself or my surroundings? that I'm doing things the way they should be done...but my spirit is missing.

He tries to touch my heart... at some level, he manages. But the emotions comes and go. It's not fair to him or to myself. But I'm losing control of my body and mind.

I type these empty words... hoping I'm making some sense to anyone who's reading them. I'm unable to relate to you, stranger. I'm not in a happy place right now... and havent been in that happy place for a while now.

What do u do when u've lost the capacity to respond. When ure unable to decipher the difference between two emotions. am I depressed? Am I in mourning? Am I living in uncertainty? What am I searching for?

I apologize for the endless rambling... but ure my only outlet.
Maybe somewhere someone understands what I'm saying... has gone through the same and understood what this is.

Coz it's not normal.... that's for sure.

The question being, what is? am I the only sham in town? Are there others? Is everyone a sham?

I need something... what? I dunno.

I get up feeling tired every morning from the nightmares. I go through the motions of the day, because I know I have to... I havent jeopardised my job... or anything else which is of any valuse in my life.

Then.......WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???

The End

2007-09-18T22:26:00.000-07:00

Blue Fish
Pink Fish
Fin in Fin
Soaring

Blue waters
Blushing hot
Kissed by the sun
Flurry of hurries
Soaring

Criss-crossing the ridges
Playing predators
Over and Under
Somersaulting

Oblivious to the danger
Ahead
Hooked
Torn

Convulsive shivers
Mangled flight
In mid-air
Fallen forever and ever after

Wake Up

2007-09-18T01:39:00.000-07:00

No progress
only static

Wings clipped
Spirit broken

Every inch a mile
Searching
Lost

Life
In the heart of the black hole
Worth?

Nightmares
Cooing
Surreal Mornings

Wake Up
Before you're eaten

'Un'- Human

2007-09-17T12:33:00.000-07:00

I wonder whether u'd understand if I told u I wasn't feeling human.

Yes... I've not been feeling human lately.
it's a strange sort of a feeling I've been getting... days have been passing me by... and I'm doing things mechanically.
Office... home... going out... movies....
But somehow... through every moment... whether fun or not... I've been empty.
As though a part of me has died... and the person performing these acts is actually not the real me.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, just to reaffirm the fact that I exist... and I'm not just some random object floating around the place.

But the unrealness is so real... its hard to explain.

Day and night... routine... pressures...parents....life.... I'm watching it happen... from a distance.

I do all the right things, and say all the right words, and manage to emerge victorious through the day.... but its not me.

I've died... and the emptiness inside me re-affirms that.

I live in the past.... or I live in the future... but I'm missing right now.

And the knot in my chest 24-7 re-affirms that.

I don't know myself and I don't have any desires. I dont love myself and I don't love anyone else. I'm a sham. A non entity.

I'm nowhere
I'm nobody
I don't exist
I am a shadow of the person I used to be

Lost.... somewhere... in the act of growing up.

Another Nightmare

2007-09-09T22:30:00.000-07:00

Im amazed at my ability at getting nightmares. Assuming dreams are actually a reflection of one's hidden/ sub conscious thought...

I've just discovered that I'm pretty fucked up, dude!!! ;)

The Dream:

I'm getting married to a very close friend. I'm wearing a orange- yellow saree, no makeup, no jewellery. Both me and the groom look miserable. It's a christian wedding, and we have a ' November-Rain'-video kind of a faux pas with the rings... my dad emerges with a ring from somewhere... it's not nice.

Old school friends (whom I've hated like forever) appear for my wedding, giving me pitying looks. It's not nice.

My so-called husband is in love with someone else and so am I.. we both are constantly thinking of the other, while we try to look happy.... it's not nice.

Suddenly, I'm my sitting in the wedding crowd, next to Mr.23... we're looking at each other... longingly.

Next... i'm in my drawing room, and the ex is standing wearing a pink tight t-shirt... looking like a typical rich punjabi Delhi guy. I cant recall the conversation.

But I get up feeling uneasy... at the same time with a sense of relief... thank god it was a dream.

My analysis of the same suggests....

I'm pretty messed up somewhere in there... inspite of the facade of normalcy

Damn the system!!!!

Growing Up

2007-08-09T00:34:00.000-07:00

I've almost taken a decision.
Although the risk is infinite... I think it might be worth a shot.... or maybe not.

The advice Ive got has been varied... " use ure head" " follow your heart" " think rationally" " do what you want" " Take a chance and see"... " U dont have that kind of time" ...

Although I'm troubled... although I'm scared... although I sometimes feel I might be making the biggest mistake of my life and I'm apprehensive of making the wrong choice... I feel it may turn out right in the end.

When I look at myself... I see an irrational, emotional, impulsive fool. For the first time, I've decided to use my head in decision making and not my heart. The very decision of using my head pains me. Because my perspective to life is fundamentally different from 99% of the people I know.
There are times when I look around me and see talking, walking, thinking monkeys. I see the kind of limits we've put on ourselves to organise our lives. The rationalization of every act. The analysis. The judgments we make. I make.
I live in a movie and 'happily ever after' is an extremely real concept to me. So... when I'm asked by every single cell in my body to apply rationalization to the biggest decision of my life, marriage... my heart revolts.
since when did I become this dissector? Since when did I start thinking so much. I dunno.
Ive grown up... and I hate it.

2007-08-01T22:26:00.000-07:00

Im taking a call.
About my future. My life. Today.
Whatever the consequences... I will deal with them.

How I will go on... I dunno... but I will do it. Because life has many surprises in store... and I'm sure there are many good things coming my way.

I say a little prayer ... I hope I am making the right choice.

God... save me from evil... save me from myself... save me from pain and guide me to make the right decisions.

2007-07-05T02:53:00.001-07:00

Hellooooooooooooooooooooo Chennaaaiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!

My very first trip into the Tamil heartland... and I adore this place already.

There I was fretting for the past 2 days about this trip to Chennai... thinking... " Damn Im gonna be all alone in that godforesakin city!dont know a soul... and people talking strange! I'm gonna die"

In all honesty...the minute I peeped out of the plane window and caught a glimse of the beautiful South coastline... I was smitten. Aerially... this is amongst the most stunning views I've seen. The houses are interspersed with thick trees... and the whole city seems to be shrouded in mystery... exciting!

I got into the taxi and was introduced to Tamil music on Tamil Radio City. Didnt understand a word... but truly fascinating!

I love the feel of the south... the non stop traffic... endless stream of bikes... and crazy amounts of outdoor hoardings.

I checked into Ambassador Pallava... Typical.
Pampered myself to a meal of Malabar fish and rice with papad... and I was content.

In the evening... plan to explore the night life in Chennai with a friend....

Lessons from this visit: Dont judge a book by it's cover!

Chennai...here I come ! :)

Theory of Acceptance

2007-06-25T23:56:00.000-07:00

It is bliss to be at peace with oneself.

The last one year has been full of upheavels, and I have been in the doldrums...

There is a secret which I have discovered lately... which has helped me calm down, get a grip and simply lay back and watch.
It's all about acceptance.
If I am to assume that everything around us is simply fated to happen... the people building their riches... the people celebrating their achievements.... the people begging on the road... were all in one way or the other destined to be where they presently are.... then I have no control over anything anyway.

The theory is tough to aknowledge. You are bound argue that part of our destiny, we make ourselves. But... ignoring the scientific explanation of evolution... the chemicals which are constantly moving around in my head... my exercising organs.... I think what am I and where did I come from and what is this rush I feel today? And I truly feel... science cannot explain it.

There have been thoughts I have fought... ideas I have ignored... issues which I have escalated... but what has been missing all along has been... Acceptance.

To be able to see that I... as an individual... as a human soul... am worth something. That my destiny is taking me in a particular direction, and I am constantly fighting it.

and when I think about it... we all do it... everyday of our lives... trying to change people, situations...so that things fall into place the way we would like them to be. Hoping that things would move in the way We want it to move.

and the fact is... it never happens. the more you fight... the more difficult it is to change anything.

The simple rule of acceptance is so difficult to adopt... is it not?

everyday... in the morning... I looked at myself... I had stopped recognising myself in the mirror lately. I tried to change that, by talking to myself... by staring for hours. It didnt work.

A few days ago... I thought... why am I always agitated... always fretting... always hyper... angry....because I cant accept things the way they are.

And so I changed my startegy. I got up in the morning and looked at the mirror and I said to myself " I accept that I've changed. that I dont see myself anymore. That I'm lost in the mess of things..........and it's ok. "

Ive been feeling better about every single breathe that I'm taking ever since.

I still feel I need a lot of work on my self worth... but the process has started... and I'm going to keep myself happy.

The Party

2007-06-21T21:42:00.000-07:00

I'm never throwing a party again.

This last one simply took its toll on me. I'm anyway one of those people who fret too much... start hyperventillating at the drop of a hat... n basically stress till my head hurts.

Thats exactly what happened.
every party starts slow... correct... well... its expected.... n I've seen it happen every time I've thrown a party. the only difference being, this was a BYOB... so I was fretting twice as much that there will be no booze.

the basic problem being... people in India just dont fucking understand the meaning of a fucking BYOB... they insist on ' forgetting', ' being unable to find a booze shop', 'getting late' etc.

So when the party started... i had 5 people walk in without a fucking bottle of alcohol in their hands. n it pissed me off like how.
I was left to entrtain these people with small talk and chicken rolls. In my state of panic, I called another friend who was coming n asked him to carry some extra alcohol.

Fine... i some how got over that crisis.

After which... there was the problem of people bunching up in every corner. Fine... noone knows anyone... but what the fuck is being social??!!! ure supposed to mix.

So... I was left with the task of trying to make people talk to each other..

aarrrrrrrrrggghhh!

Is this a master plan to ruin the party.?!

Then the best part of the evening...

I gave up... got drunk +stoned... and passed out on the couch on my own party from mental exhaustion.

2007-06-19T22:12:00.000-07:00

Back from Bombay and a strange development.
Last week's tornado of fights appears to have taken its toll on me. Am cold as ice. Never thought I'd say this, but I seem to have lost my sense of emotion. Is that even possible?S

o we are at peace, talking, laughing... and I'm empty inside.

To get over the monotony of things, am planning a party tonight. Calling the world. Always nice to plan a party. A little booze. A few laughs. A little de-stressing. Will do me good, I think.

2007-06-12T23:38:00.001-07:00

And the anger continues to grow.

Inspite of the HUGE fight... he chose to go to the party. Maybe didnt pick her up, but went. Maybe hung around with her. Or with someone else. But Went. Inspite of everything. Asshole.

Ive never felt like this before. and I can now relate to all the women who call up other women and threaten them to stay away from their boy friends.

I never cnsidered myself to be that kind. But you never knows what can get to you. Its a button waiting to be pressed. Its needs just one stimulant. and all the so-called coolness fades away. And yu

I wanna kill him and I wanna kill her too.

And in the midst of it all, I wanna kill myself as well.

Im sitting in office, going MAD. Biting my nails. Hyperventilating. Smoking one fag after another.

I NEED a mental asylum right now.

I'm Sooo angry... I hope I dont have a heart attack.

Jealousy

2007-06-12T21:28:00.000-07:00

Jealousy can be evil.

I experienced it yesterday. It was all consuming. Overpowering. It enveloped me from all directions, and blinded me to insanity.
I yelled. I shrieked. I cried. I screamed till I was hoarse. Numb.

I tried to control myself, but insecurity didnt allow me to. I bit off his tongue. I threatened him with the things I'll never do to myself. I wanted to destroy him. Eat him alive.
I felt anger. Revulsion. Hatred. and every single negative emotion that exists.

I wanted to take a rope and tie him down and whack him blue. I wanted to shake him up till his organs came out of his mouth.

I was livid. I was beside myself with anger.

I wanted to prolong the fight. Keep yelling till I lost my voice. I refused to keep the phone down for 3 hours, and I could have gone on for another 5.

I pleaded to speak and then I screamed. I called him names. I called her names. I proposed a meeting ( maybe to yell in person) but he refused. I think I scared him with my fit. And it was a fit. I have never seen this side of myself.

And later, I made myself a J mechanically...half dead with exhaustion...to put my mind to sleep. I slept fitfully. The conversation reverberating in my head in my sleep.

I got up feeling angry. At myself. for giving away my insecurity. For allowing him to see my weakness. For making him feel important.

Was that really me?

I smoked a cigarette before I brushed. I packed my bags like a zombie. I'm going to Bombay today for a week. My excitement has died down. Infact, Im dreading the queries about him from mom, dad... n sis.

How do I tell them that I'm losing the plot... within myself and with this fuckall relationship which is driving me up the fucking wall?

Chill Out

2007-06-12T03:48:00.001-07:00

I want to stay cool...
Be calm and composed... let nothing effect me... the ice maiden... the beyond-it-all.
Be triumphant under pressure.... not allow emotions to overrun me..

reply to queries with a detached... 'yes' or ..' no'... or ' maybe'

Not only pretend to destress... actually destress.

And by destress I mean... enjoy every minute I've got....

Coz I might be dead tom...

I hope I succeed

Working on Myself

2007-05-29T09:06:00.001-07:00

There are a number of factors which make one ther person one is.

Family
Environment
Friends
Socio-economic class
Sub consciously embedded values
Education
Experiences

And possibly many others
In my case, I feel my mother has been the biggest influence in my life. I have emulated her for as long as I can remember. She personifies an innocence and love which I can only hope to give my kids some day. The shrewd streak, the mean bone... its missing.

When I look at myself... I see a few traits...
I'm full of mush and I love it. I live in a world of fantasy... trusting destiny... and believe that that's the world to be in.
Shrewdness? Meanness? Even Smartness... its missing.

I realise that what I am is unique... rare. Its what we call genuineness.
But I am at a loss here.
My experiences have taught me that the values I uphold come secondary to what the world stands for today.
In my quest at being good, I've put some important values on a back bench.
Self Respect

again, I compare myself to my mother here. Her marriage has not been the smoothest in the world. Yet she has stood by my father. Loved him, while he has trampled all over him. For that is what a good Indian wife is supposed to do. And she's been the best.
When I have told her to leave him, she has talked about her kids, family. Again, the cultural and societal values taking precedence over her own happiness.

These traits have somewhere translated into me as well. I've give my heart and soul to relationships. Allowing people to walk all over me, simply because I want to be the sacrifising, loving, Indian woman. The one who goes to any lengths to make things work.

I hear a psychologist discussing relationships in an Oprah episode. He says, people are attracted to certain 'kinds' of people. In the sense, if ure a confident person, u'll find a person who is equally confident.
N if ure not, ure likely to look for a person u can look upto. In the process, u usually allow the person u admire to be the definition of whom u would like to be.

Coming back to me... I'm not the confident person he's talking about, i'm the other. consequently, my story has been somewhat warped.

So... I've decided to take my life into my own hands.

Consciously walk out of the dream world I've created around myself....and put my self respect and dignity FIRST... before I give my love to anyone.

Decision Making

2007-05-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

Another decision.
Made many... went back on many... and regretted many.
Yet Another Decision !!!

My 7 resolutions.. to be implemented for a new life...starting tomorrow:

1) Will be selfish
2) Will love myself more than anything in the world
3) Will find my own person again
4) Will not feel guilty about petty things
5) Will not be hard on myself
6) Will move on with my life
7) Will read this post every time my self esteem is low

Thanks K... U made me write this :)

Neck Deep and NOT learning

2007-05-28T00:58:00.000-07:00

Went for a wedding this weekend.
Old Friend.
She was seeing this guy for 6 years. He ultimately got married to someone else. Parents instantly pushed the arranged marriage button. Speeded up the manhunt. Presented her with an Irish Indian. She said yes, and within 6 months, she's packed off.

On the engagement evening, we come home. Old friend is losing her mind.

" I cant believe it's not "N" who put that ring on my finger. I cant take this. I cant do this. I cant get married to this guy. I dont even know him. I cant bear the thought of him touching me "

Me, " U've gotto take that leap of faith. Think of all the bad times 'N' has given u. u deserve someone who cares for u. U're very very lucky".

I mean every word I say. But, in my mind I'm a hypocrite. I see myself living the same situation. I see my future, tied to someone whom I'm not in love with... whom I will learn to love with time... whom I'll be forced to love because of circumstances. I see myself longing for another life. the one I had imagined. The perfect ending.

Its morning... we go to the gurdwara. The wedding takes 20 minutes. It's over. I sit behind the bride, living my own wedding, to a stranger, longing for 'S'. I'm crying- not for the bride's happiness, but because of my own sadness.

I know its futile to cry. I know that I deserve a wedding such as hers. I deserve to be with someone who knows me... understands me... and more than anything respects me.

I look at myself in the mirror in the afternoon... and I dont recognise myself. I am 2 people... one- the smiling face who's enjoying the wedding, the other- choking on uncried tears in her head.

I come back to Delhi... and the tears continue to NOT fall... but the chest becomes tighter.
The dreams become blank.
The leap of faith...the choice...the chance seem nightmarish.
They say, unless u're thrown neck deep into a situation, u dont learn how to cope with it.
I'm neck deep and I'm not learning.

2007-05-24T03:57:00.000-07:00

just been tagged by Lemon to reveal my deepest, darkest, murkiest secrets eeiin... kidding... just some fact/habits I have! ;)
Here's my Random Eight:
1.Think everything ... and I mean EVERYTHING comes secondary to my sanity and personal relationships
2. Am obsessed with earings. Have atleast 50 pairs... looking for more.
3. Brag about being a gym freak, but struggle to go more than thrice a week
4. I have a phobia of food smells. Run to put the exhaust on, open windows and doors as soon as food is cooked at home
5. Am unable to say 'NO' to people for things, outings,requests, 99% of the time
6. Am obsessed with my under eye puffiness. Consequently study myself in the mirror atleast 20 times a day ( no exaggeration)
7. Have NOT been single in almost 10 years
8.Presently have my ears, nose, navel pierced. Got my eyebrow pierced too, but had to remove the ring because of family pressure ! : (

Here are the rules of the game:

1.ennumerate 8 facts/habits about ureself
2. Tag eight others

Ok... so whom should I tag... emancipation of eve, master and margarita, black and white, one brown woman, Amores Peros, From a corner, Orangette and anyone else interested/ excited enough... ;)

Tag on !

2007-05-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

I miss u baba.

No... not the u that u are now.

But the u that u were....then.

living without baggage

2007-05-24T00:44:00.000-07:00

I'm 26. not that old, they say... with my whole life infront of me. Yet when I look back, time has been a whirlwind and events have left marks. Feel older than I am. Feel more evolved than I should be. Feel exposed, when I should be ignorant at some level.

And suddenly it's weighing down on me. I woke up this morning from deep slumber, feeling weak. The dream was insane. Maybe I am insane. But I woke up pulled down. Down. Down. Down.

Gathered my wits together and came to office. Down.
Trying to concentrate...work. Down.

Ultimately, I am forced into introspection, for I have to let go of the baggage which is weighing me down. The smiles are hollow. The heart is pounding. The stomach is turning... and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Run away from myself.

I light a cigarette, and slowly take a drag. My chest caves in. Too many cigarettes. I take another drag, in the hope that it will stop this feeling. Distract me. shift my focus to the cigarette itself.

There is a black hole. Infront of me. I'm walking into it. Maybe coming out of one and mving into another dimension. Have been doing this since I started rationalizing... possibly 15 years ago.

I miss being free. Not thinking. Screaming on top of my lungs and everyone smiling. Innocence. It's sooo far away... and the future seems mysterious... scary.

I question my existence. My movements. My thoughts. My daily existence. My definitions. My biases. My hypocritical nature. I am a hypocrite. I console myself at the thought that we all are. It's a question of degrees.

I am hard on myself. Because I feel regret. I havent taken the right decisions. Grabbed the opportunities. Focused on the important. Always distracted, by the less consequential.

I shall recover. It is only today... this day... this morning which makes me feel this way. However I do... and this morning is just as important as every other morning.No?

So I introspect on how to face my demons. To smile. To be brave. To love myself inspite of the person that I am.

Missing Mom

2007-05-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

Went over to my cousins place last evening. Every time I go there, I realise how deliciously relaxing it is to be with family.
The laughs, the hugs, the smiles. The food!!! the stuff-ure-face-beta.

Living alone, I didnt realise how much I missed it.
Again, extended family and their quirks.

Like jat jokes... getting together HAS to tantamount to : Jats-are-the-best-clan on the planet discussions! and I love them.

Here's the one talked of yesterday:

Saw a man walking down the street with a nike sign. Below it was written... u guessed it... Jats do it !!!

A typical pj, being cracked in a room full of mama's and mausi's and drawing huge guffows!!!

It's times like these which make me miss home.

There I was in the middle of everyone laughing... and thinking of mom-dad.

Living alone can be a heart ache sometimes.

I miss my mommy.

Work Pressure

2007-05-17T10:38:00.000-07:00

I just joined an advertising agency and I love it.

People are fun, place is fun, atmosphere is fun. there's something in the air, which is totally NOT corporate, and coming from a stiff organization ... I love it.

Keeping the atmosphere apart.. lets talk of my job profile. I'm a strategic brand planner. a thinker. The creative one. The one who'll give mind blowing ideas to transform a brand.

Honestly, coming from a market research background, this whole thing baffles me. I consider myself to be mentally alert, a person with an opinion on things, even creative.

and yet, when the tag has been attached to the name, I find myself questioing my creative instincts. Living up to the ideal of a planner is difficult, and at the moment I'm struggling to keep up with the process. I see people look at me and say, " Oh! ure a planner! great! we need a thinker like u!" or... " Great! now u'll take care of our brand !!!"

Well... if there's something called drowning under pressure, then I'm living it.

I do want to come out with fantastic ideas which change the world... or change the manner in which people view advertising... but with the pressure to perform pulling me down, I find myself blank. Or talking jargon. I see a sentence written all over my face, " i'm a fake''

am in the process of trying to not only speak smart... but BE smart.
So anyone who has any advertising websites they want to recommen/ share...please feel free to tell me

Support Needed !!

Compulsive Liar

2007-05-15T13:10:00.001-07:00

why do compulsive liars lie?

The reason I ask is because I think I am one.

I was attracted to 'x' about a month ago, and when bf asked me, I denied it with a vengence and then later adminnted it.

The reason I raise this topic is that this has happened in the past... not once not twice but 5 times. He asks me something... I deny it for days and then I finally admit it.

Why do I do it? what makes me lie to him? Hide things from him?

He's one of the nicest people I know... possibly understanding as well... and still I lie.

And then I blame it- on circumstance, on the situation, on him, on something he did in the past to trigger off the lie.

A lie is a lie is a lie, no matter what the circumstance.

Therefore, my behaviour baffles me. My brain refuses to cooperate. I find easy escapes and excuses not to share things with him, under the pretext that he'll react... or he wont like it... or he'll fight with me... or why should I tell him, I'm not accountable to him.

Bottom line is... I lie to him.

And when reviewing the situation, I realise that I ONLY lie to HIM and noone else. My friends are my supporters, confidantes... the understanding ones.

He is the snappy one, always fighting, pointing fingers.

So why not share with friends instead? Why him?

And this has been the bone of contention in this relationship for 4 years- I DO NOT SHARE. I HIDE. AND WHEN CONFRONTED I DENY

Analysing myself, I know it's true. I've made a mental picture of him as the 'uncool' bf, the 'overpossessive one'. And at some level, ' encroaching my space'. even though, I might share the same incident with friends, and even strangers!!!

Its wrong. Its unfair to him. And Its unfair to my relationship.

n now my even saying that I will share everything is hard to digest, because there is a past I have to deal with. a past where I havent shared. So how does he believe me? So why should he believe me?

What should I do? What can I say?

virtual stalker

2007-05-11T11:30:00.000-07:00

check this one out!!

http://axeviceasia.com/?country=india

The virtual stalker game is awesome!!!!
My friend just played it on her bf, n now I plan to play it on mine!

hehehe !!!

Living Alone

2007-05-08T10:07:00.000-07:00

its been a while, I know.

Its a combination of writer's block, lack of will, and constant excuses I've been making to myself about how busy my life has become.

truthfully, I dont think life has been all that boring, that there's nothing to tell. Nor have I been thaaaattt busy, that I could'nt pen down a few thoughts.

So i've narrowed it down to lack of will.

why? I will think that one through in further detail and let u know my thoughts on the same soon !!1 ;)

For the moment, am facing another dilemma.

ok.. for those who don't know, I live alone. Practically alone.
For an Indian girl from a moderately liberal family, I've been given soo much freedom that I should thank my lucky stars everyday.

Ive been running away from home ever since school ended, and with my parents permission !!

I spent college in Delhi, living with my aging grandmom. She was a gentle soul, who knew nothing of what was going on under her very nose. So there were parties on weekends, late nights, sneaking in late, sneaking out late, friends staying over, etc.etc.etc.

I was a free bird.

for my post graduation, things went a step further, I shared an apartment with a friend. Great! It was reliving my college years with twice the freedom. Preparing for mom-dad's annual visit was a task, and all we did was look forward to the after party!

I came back to Delhi and started working. Ofcourse, by then grandmom had grown too old to live alone, so she went to stay with parents.

Consequently, alone again.

U must be wondering what i'm getting at... but hold that thought!

Ok... so... my career span has been relatively short, just close to 2 1/2 years.

all in all close to almost 8 years of living alone.

I've lived alone, Ive fended for myself, I've paid the bills, I've come back home in the evenings to an empty 3 bedroom house and felt great. I've become comfortable with silence. I've made a drink in the evenings sometimes. I've called the bf over whenever Ive missed him. I've had crazy parties. I've laughed alone. I've cried alone. And Ive loved it.

Consequently, the idea of living with someone irritates me, intimidates me and ultimately scares me.
Presently, I'm living that idea.

I was told a month ago by parents that my uncle would be in Delhi and would be staying with me for a period close to 6 months.

" The house has 3 rooms, u take 1 !! there's enough room for everyone, without you guys being in each other's face!! " said my dad.

Well... I was ok with it, initially. He's my dad's brother, traditionally one of those " cool" uncle's, out to be best friend's with their niece. etc. etc.

a month in the arrangement, and I'm ready to scream blood.

Now, there is no issue... he's on his own trip, n so am I.

The problem is with ' Presence' ... There's a presence in the house !! There are questions on TV channels to watch. There are questions on what to eat, when to eat. There are questions on why is 'x' at 'y' place and not at 'z'?

And the beauty of it all is that it's only me who has a problem.

My final thoughts on this:

Too much independence can spoil you. Learning to live with people is important, and I regret looking for opportunities to run away from home half my adult life.

Perfect Strangers

2007-04-15T09:34:00.000-07:00

I went for a movie ... alone... for the first time.
Irony of it all? watched ' Perfect Strangers' !!!

Throughout expecting some handsome hunk to take a cue from the movie and come speak to me ;)

Jokes apart... lets see. I wont comment on the movie much... though its worth a single watch. Im a die hard Bruce Willis fan... so anything for the man. ( his half-smile is just to die for... and age... well the man appears to grow sexier as the years fly by, no doubt).

what I would like to talk about is my experience. Being one of those big planners, I love having people around, maybe for the company, maybe for the hustle-bustle... or maybe just to dissect the movie after we watch it.

So, my decision to do it alone, was a suprise to me too.

Asking for a single ticket was easy, but I imagined the woman before me giving me a sympathetic look. I walked in and took my seat... only to realise that I knew the people sitting 2 seats away.
Had the choice of saying 'Hello' or pretending ignorance. I chose the latter. for a while I even had a virtual conversation going on in my head:
" Hey. how u doing?"
" Good. good. you?"
" not bad. whom u with?"
" Alone."
" aaaah. Join us, ya. "

So i dug my head deeper into my cell phone during the interval and constantly looked right, hoping they wont see me ( they were sitting to my left)
Got through the movie. Even enjoyed it. and am home now.

My irritation being... why the fuck was I embarassed to be going for a movie alone. Watching a movie is a perfectly fun way to spend time. I couldve been watching the same flick... alone... on Star Movies and wouldnt have thot twice about it. But in public, at some level I felt very alone. As though, having people with you justifies your watching a movie and otherwise maybe not?

A lot of my friends have gone for movies alone ( ok I'm lying, I know only 2 people who've done that) However, they have done it. And make no bones about it. However, after my experience today i realised that I fall in the other category.. amongst those who say, " Hey, u went for a movie alone? aaaaaaaaaa....why? U shudve called me, i'd have come along!"

Now... the problem being... I dont want to be in the IInd category. i want to be in the Ist category.
So I'm going for another movie... alone... this week... just to accept :

a) The idea of going alone for a flick
b) Myself and the changes I want to make in my way of thinking.

Vision 6 on 6

2007-04-10T09:43:00.001-07:00

ok... I have a perfectly valid excuse for not writing in ages. AAAAANNNDDDD... technically speaking I should not be writing even right now!

I finally got eye surgery for glass removal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yes my friends... I'm a 6 on 6... n I dont need specs/ contact lenses or any of that jazz anymore !!

I distinctly remember the day I first got spectacles. My dad was reading the newspaper in the drawing room, and I was trying to read the back pages from a distance, clearly squinting. I knew even then that I'm going down... and how!
Both my parents are blind as bats, and when my mom saw me struggling to read a few bold letters, her heart sank. Her beautiful 10 year old daughter 's face would soon be burdened with fat ugly glasses. Not to mention the mental torture which she would suffer , as with all 'specy' kids.
I was rushed to the doc, eyes quickly checked and fitted with glasses, and I was on my way back to school.
I dont know whether all people who get glasses during their childhood suffer from it, but I definitely suffered from a complex because of the damn frames.
There were times I would imagine how I look to people -

Do they see my face? Is the focus on the frames? Does it overshadow my personality? will any guy ever fall for me?

Consequently, through the years, I took them off at every opportunity possible. And the num ber rose and rose and rose, and my mother cried and cried and cried, and I was forced to wear them again!
In class 10th I was finally allowed the freedom of contact lenses by my fearful parents, who thought putting anything in the eye could be harmful, be it kajal or lenses!

I CELEBRATED!

I WEPT!

and life has been uphill since then...

Until last year.

I developed an allergy to my lenses!

I went to a doc, b doc, c doc.
Tried every goddam eye drop in the bloody medical books!

Had people ask me things like: " Havent u slept last night? Ure eyes are swollen".

So developed a 'Swollen eye" phobia. ( and it was a phobia... friends started telling me before I even asked- " NO! URE EYES ARE NOT SWOLLEN!"

Then last week, I decided enough is enough...take the leap. Take the ultimate risk with my eyes. I'd had it upto my nose wearing specs ( cudnt even kiss without taking them off!! ).

So, I underwent the surgery. I have no clue how I badgered my mom into agreeing to this... considering eye phobia runs in the family! but I did.

And here i am...writing this scrap wearing dark glasses... vision 6 on 6

The End of Research Work

2007-03-29T22:43:00.000-07:00

Today is my last day at work.

As last days go… I am at work with no work.
Got up in the morning NOT wanting to goto office, inspite of knowing that
even my going is a mere formality.

Will I miss this place? Strangely enough, I feel no emotion at the thought.
I've not been here long enough to feel that I'm an integral part of the
blood flow of the place. But I have had an interesting stint.
Clearly divided into my time in Mumbai and my time in Delhi.

My time in Mumbai:
I loved the people. I loved my boss. I loved my work. I was motivated. I was
finally beginning to get research. I was flying high. Everybody loved me.
And then I took a transfer. Tearful farewells , made me feel wanted and
loved.

My time in Delhi:
I hated the people. I hated my colleagues. I HATED MY BOSS. Consequently, I
hated my work. I can write a thesis on 'Bosses and their assholic behaviour'
but that would be a waste of time on someone truly inconsequential. So… I
was low. Very Very low. And I knew it was only a matter of time before I
showed them the middle finger.

So, today is my last day ( in Delhi) and I'm to give a speech. It would be
plain rude to rave about Mumbai here… so I'm going to be polite, and simply
say I've had an ' interesting experience' in Delhi. 'Interesting' being a
word which can be interpreted in any manner.

And in the evening… party at Miss B's place (No… not celebrating my
resignation! Unfortunately. Although … would have loved a 'I hate my work'
theme! )

Seems like the beginnings of a good day !!!!

Doing Things Right

2007-03-21T04:43:00.000-07:00

As far as doing things right go… I'm not very good at the formula.
Technically speaking, the formula would go something like:

Logical Reasoning+ A little Sensitivity
------------------------------------------------------------
Right Timing = Doing things Right

The only area I score on is the 'Sensitivity' bit. I'm pouring sensitivity,
understanding all the sentimental bullshit.
It's the logical reasoning where I fail somewhat, and timing… well.. the
word is still being constructed in my dictionary.

Therefore, I consider myself fully aware of the fact that I rarely do things
right. Even when I'm fully convinced that I've got the formula right, I
haven't. EVER.

An empirical experiment to prove the above stated formula:

Sitting on my comp at work, I come up with a brainwave to appease BF. The
options being:
1) Send flowers and card
2) Send a cake apologizing
3) Take him out for candlelit dinner, where I pre-order the sorry cake.
Also club it with flowers and cards.
4) Make a collage with our pictures.
5) Make a PowerPoint presentation with our pics/ videos etc. ( I love
this one… it would mean a lot of creativity combined with mush! Yum!)
6) Do all of the above

I choose option 6. (hello… don't look aghast. You are talking to the
queen of sop here !;)

I decide to begin with the flowers, followed by the cake, etc.etc.
PERFECT!

Straight after work, I rush to the florist. Have already decided the
flowers. 10 red roses and 10 whites. White signify peace and Red signify
love. ( god! I love myself!)
At the florist, I draft the card. I proclaim my undying love for the
man, and am truly impressed with my mastery at the English language.
I head home smug to the core!! The flowers will be at his doorstep
at 8.30am tom. BRILLIANT. He'll wake up with a smile , surrounded by
flowers!

Morning next.
9pm, I get the call. Ha! Its him!

" Thanks for the flowers"
"You're welcome! "
" The flowers and cards were circulated through the house before
they reached me. Mom-Dad, everyone's read them. Everyone's on my case about
u now. What were you thinking? You send flowers to my home, and u don't put
the card in an envelope, n now everyone wants to know what this is
about!!!!"

Oops.. What was I thinking?
In the process of trying to fix things.. I put myself in an even
more awkward situation. Instead of being thrilled about the flowers, he's
stressed about the 1 million questions he'll have to answer to two
inquisitive parents.
My poor darling!
I feel like masterminding some more 'Sorry' plans to help him get
over this faux pas of mine!

God! Wake up.

Have as of this second dropped the idea of getting the cake
delivered to his place with 'Sorry Darling" written on it.
Also, the CD with the PPT would now have to be hand delivered… TO
HIM… IN PERSON !!!

Infact, any surprises, will not be surprises anymore… but carefully
thought out and executed OPERATIONS.

Who's the asshole?

2007-03-19T09:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to meet an old friend with S at TGIF.
It was to be a fun evening.

In the middle of the conversation, in a light hearted fashion, she called him an asshole, and told him to stop mistreating me, not once, not twice, but a number of times and in a number of ways.
I saw a hurt expression flash across his face for a second and then his face compose.

I have known this friend, lets call her N, since class 7th. We've been relatively close through the years, only losing touch in the recent past, simply because of her going to UK etc. Therefore, I can safely say that today we are not that close, that she be in a posiiton to guide me or S about how we should be solving our problems.

When me and S broke up, it was common knowledge ( was it not?) and my being hurt was on public display as well... coz that's me... and I need shoulderSSS to cry on.
He, on the other hand is the quiet one. Throwing himself into work to drown his sorrows, rather than talking to people. So, getting gyan on how to run his relationship, specially from my friends, didnt obviously go down very well with him.

Assuming that breakups and patch ups happen... assuming fights happen... assuming people talk to people when they're hurt... was I completely wrong in pouring my heart out to my friends? to u?
Does that mean that every word which I speak is carved in gold, and that now Ive created an impression of the man I love which might be partially incorrect? simply because its only my side of the story?

Keeping my dilemmas aside, why would a friend of mine deliberately try to belittle my boy friend in public? Wouldnt a friend know that it would be humiliating for him and damaging to my relationship? Wouldnt it be hurting me indirectly? Is that really a true friend?

Right now, I'm very hurt.

Hurt because I dont know whom to trust.
Hurt because I dont know the definition of friendship
Hurt because people can be unthinking.
Hurt because Ive hurt S, and I love him.
Hurt because no amount of apologies are likely to change his new found view that I actually hate him in my heart of hearts and all Ive done over the past few months is said nasty things about him to the world.

Who's the asshole? Me? Him? or friends?

Road Rage

2007-03-15T04:31:00.000-07:00

New Delhi.
9.30am.
Traffic Hours.
I drive WITH the traffic… mind you… NOT against it.

This morning, I mastermind the shortcut…"Hmm, If I go through Okhla side, I
should reach New Friend's colony much faster than if I take the main ring
road"

Big Mistake.
Within minutes I'm drawn into the quicksand of the traffic jam, which is
pulling more and more hurried, irritable drivers, such as myself, swiftly
within it.

Car horns snarling and temperatures rising.
Not to mention, the COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE A/C in my Maruti 800, constantly
contributing to the pain. ( U might say it's not A/C weather as yet… I say,
try driving at 9.30 am, in a traffic jam which is getting your blood
boiling….and then we'll talk )

I jut my little 800's nose ahead of a DTC bus. The bus driver is half out of
his seat up there, spitting abuses at me ( along with all the rest of the
crap these drivers constantly chew on!).

Ignore.
If you drive in Delhi and you drive WITH the traffic, you have no choice but
to continue jutting you're car into every centimeter of space which presents
itself on the packed Delhi roads!
So… I continue moving.

I somehow manage to get out of the jam by going diagonally from one end of
the road to the other, where I swiftly take a left turn.

Whrooom !!! I'm moving again.

New Friend's colony in sight. Am standing at a red light now, sifting
through songs on my ipod. Completely oblivious to my surroundings.
After all… I'm at a red-light ( where I am incidentally part of another
jam!)… how much further can I go??? ( knowing me… much more… however I
choose to be good)

A car comes to my left. A man is saying something. Something to me.

He's graying on the sideburns. Possibly 35 yrs of age. Spectacles. Couldn't
be a corporate honcho… too unsophisticated for that. Maybe an IT guy?" what
does he want? Do I have a flat tyre? Is the door/ Bonnet/ back open? WHAT?

I roll down the window, " Yes?"
Him, ready to bite my head off " DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAFFIC YOU'VE BEEN
BLOCKING BEHIND YOU?"

I'm shocked. Here I am eliminating the possibilities of what might be wrong
with my car… and this guy is on a trip of his own.
Within seconds, I'm in control again. Anger pulsating through my veins.

I growl, " WHO ARE YOU? " HUH? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING?"
He growl's back, " WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO ARE YOU… HUH? "
Me again… " WHO THE HELL ARE YOOOOUUU?

( I mean where's the brain????… MY BRAIN?????…. at times like these, just
when you wanna say those one-liner's like:

" Talk to the hand, asshole"
OR
" You're such a disease"
OR
" Go take you're frustrations out on you're wife, jerk"
OR
" Haven't been getting any sex lately or what?"
etc… etc…. etc…

the best I can come up with is, " who are you?"
…. No… no… no… " who are you?" … I'm me… and I own the road… BUT WHO ARE YOU
???!!!!! Incredulous.

AAArrggghhhh. I put my car in gear, show the guy the middle finger and zoom
off ( unblocking the traffic behind me ! )

For the next 15 min I replay the conversation in my head… where every time,
I say something witty and smart, by which the guy shuts up and is seething
with anger but has nothing to retaliate with!
Also… throughout this altercation I am calm and composed… even amused!! I
look at the man with pity and contempt!

"Ha! you poor soul! i'm sooooo beyond all this."

However… I am not beyond all this. Infact I'm neck-deep in road rage. And I
live it as part of my daily existence.

Question-
What does one do with 90% of Delhi's driving population who think they're
god's gift to Delhi roads?
Like they have the birth right to scream and shout, rave and rant at the
incompetence of other drivers, while they themselves might be driving like
maniacs out to massacre the roads?

This is not to say that I'm this genius on the roads… no sir… I certainly am
not.

I see myself as a survivor. Just trying to go through my daily grind. One of
those thick skinned Delhi drivers who has learnt her lessons the hard way. …
for…I have no choice:

a) I have a car which should have been sold a decade ago.
b) I am in no position to compete with the Honda Civic's and Scorpio's
which rule Delhi roads … so I snake around these mammoths. What else can I
do? I'd be crushed otherwise…No?
c) And I certainly don't have the time, patience or energy to give
driving lessons to people on the road… so I ignore. And Truthfully.. '
Ignorance is Bliss' is working beautifully for me.

So who the HELL do these people think they are?
And WHERE THE HELL do they come from?
Don't they know that the main principle of the Delhi's F1 track is 'Survival
of the Quickest?'

Things, Dilemma and Thoughts

2007-03-12T05:28:00.000-07:00

My Happy Things of last week:

1) I ate the best best Sushi in Delhi in a beautiful beautiful
restaurant.. It was worth every penny I paid, and trust me when I say I paid
enough.
2) Have watched the 'silent hit' Khosla Ka Ghosla for the 4th time, am
game for watching it again. Hilarious.
3) Finished White Teeth ( Zadie Smith) … loved it. Searching for
Autograph Man now. In the meantime have picked up some Nick Hornby and
William Darlymple. Although High Fidelity drove me up the wall midway, it
was still funny. And this one which I have picked up seems far more
interesting ( How to be good)
4) Heard 'Jalebi Cartels' live !! How would you classify their music?
Underground funk? Fusion? Dunno. An evening full of sophisticated Delhiites
socializing with their wine glasses… peppered with the ragamuffin
I'm-the-reason-why-they-reinvented-the-hippy types…Amazing how Delhi people
never tire of doing the muah muah's… making sure they're there at every gig,
simply to be seen. It's fascinating and pathetic at the same time. In which
group did I fit? Make a guess!!! ;)

My Confusing dilemma of last week:

1) Am presently torn between a prospective very high paying job with
very boring work profile and a somewhat low paying job with somewhat
interesting work profile. Infact, forgetting the meaning of the word
professional ethics, have gone and asked both the companies to draft me an
offer letter, Am preparing myself for getting blacklisted on the HR list of
one of the two, when I dump it.

My Sad thoughts of last week:

1) Apocalypto. Brilliant. Beautiful. Gory. Violent. Stunning…Leaves you
questioning whether the human race has anything good to offer to anyone,
anything, anywhere. The situation which was a thousand years ago, is
repeated over and over again. Death. War. Selfishness. " Man takes and takes
and takes… possibly till there's nothing left to give"… Watch this movie.
2) To be nice to dad or not to be nice to dad. Yes, he is my father.
Yes, I should be nice to him. Respectful. Like a good daughter. And yet, I
cant be nice. I'm nasty. I'm mean. I'm evil. I say things which a parent
doesn't deserve to hear. I'm full of shit and I know it. And Yet… I cant be
otherwise. He infuriates me till my blood is boiling and all I see is red.
His drinking, smoking, gluttony.
I worry about the protruding stomach and I snap.
I worry about the glass in hand and I snap.
I worry about the by-passed heart and I snap.
I worry about the smoke in hand and I snap.
I worry about my mom worrying about him and I snap !!!
I hate him and I hate myself for being like this to him. So I avoid.
And if I avoid, its like " She's avoiding her own father".

These are difficult times… seeing your parents go grayer and grayer
in front of your eyes. A fear sets in… and you don't know how to deal with
it. You see death lurking somewhere and its not a nice feeling. And you get
more scared and more cruel. My way sucks, I know. But I don't know how else
to be.

Meet the parents

2007-03-11T10:22:00.000-07:00

Does life get better or worse everyday?

My mom's favourite line is, "Take things as they come",hearing this, you'd think she's the coolest person around, with that phrase ready at the tip of her tongue.

Uh huh... no ways.

These one-liners are for my benifit. In the hope that maybe one of them seeps in and registers within at some level. So far, this is the only one I 'Remember', if that translates into accept, understand or assimilate, I'm not sure.

Ok, so you ask me, what is the problem?
I mean everything appears to be going hunky-dory on the love front...

Am back with bf (my one and only bone of contention...EVER... considering professional , intellectual growth count for next to nothing in your life vis-a-vis personal growth??? Kidding there! know I give way too much importance to my love life. Am not convinced about the normalcy of such thinking, however it's me and I've accepted it. )

So, why have I not written anything? Writer's block, I suppose. that is not to say that life hasnt been exciting enough.
Now that i'm somewhat recovering ( thanks Lemonade! Ure post was a wake up!:) ... here's the last few weeks in a jist:

Personal Front: Well ! Well ! Well ! Life is beautiful again. dinners, lunches, movies, gigs, lots of romance. I love it. Things have gone a step further this time, my sweets...yes.... the man has talked about long term commitment. Finally finding the courage to break it to my parents as well !!

So, I sit my mom down, talking at length about S and our plans. she says well.. lemme hear it from the man himself!!! So the man himself speaks to her ( honestly, this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE step in a relationship where the future has been a questionmark for over 1 year).

Mom comes down to Delhi and a meeting is arranged ( incidentally for today!) .

We are both edgy. Me, because I feel he could back out at the last minute.... have become so suspicious of the man's intentions now, that even when he said he'd meet my folks I was full of doubt ( which is actually unfair to the man)...

"Will he back out? He'll insult my mom? Does he really want to be with me or is this meeting a pacification attempt? Maybe he'll back out later, when my family is neck deep into this?"...

God! my mind is a whirlwind and my conversation with him on the phone, shows it!!! I rave and rant about family, commitment, our relationship etc. ... out of control.

As for him... he is himself on a nerves edge. First he speaks to Girlfriend's mom... however, that's not enough!! Girl friend wants him to proove further, by making him meet her parents. (Maybe its a guy thing... all this cold feet jazz. does it even happen to women?) Anyway... so he's raving and ranting on the other end... What does mom want to ask? Im ready to get married, then what's the problem? Why the meeting? I know they'll want to pack us off asap, I want some time here etc etc etc.

Further rise in temperatures... screaming, shouting and a few tears. Click.Typical.

By 5pm, I am getting panicky. Mom is here, getting ready to meet her to-be son-in-law, and the to-be son-in-law is not answering his phone. I'm going hysterical inside, and can't share it ,with mom, coz i'm gonna get one those typical retorts , " If he doesnt have the courage to meet us, then he's not worth it."

So I wait... hope and pray that he calls.

5.30pm... call.

Cold, Strained voice, him, " yup. where do you want to meet?"
Me, " Cafe Coffee Day?"
him, " Ok."
Click

I'm losing it now. This is not going to go well. I can feel it in my gut. Im scared and nervous.
Mom on the other hand is cool and composed... even excited. She's even bought a new suit for the meeting ( how cute are mom'z??!!).

We reach Cafe Coffee Day...
In comes the man.
Respectful.Polite. Gentleman-like.
My mom is impressed.
The conversation drifts from polite niceties to serious stuff. He sails through, as though this is what he'd been preparing for all his life.

" Yes, aunty." " No, aunty" " Yes, I love her aunty" " Ofcourse we want to get married, aunty" " As soon as possible aunty" " By the end of the year aunty?" " sure,aunty"

Mom is beaming with joy.

And I'm glowing with pride.

Hello, how did this happen? Can I dare presume life only gets better everyday?

Return of the Lover

2007-02-23T04:42:00.000-08:00

One of the main reasons why I haven't written a post in so many days is
because I'm guilty. And I really don't know how to share the last few days
with you.
Almost feel like I've committed a crime. However, have done no such thing…
have only committed myself….to the man again.

Yes, Yes… I know you've been sick of me, my ranting and have generally given
me all the support I need to get a handle on things… and I've gone and done
the complete opposite of that.

But who really knows what material we're actually made up of?

And now that I've broken the news to you… can I take a breather and say
'WHEW !!!!!!!!!!'.

Giving you the gossip, here's the love story in brief:

We speak on the phone… discussing the blank calls etc… ( I knew it was
him)….have this extremely formal/ polite conversation etc, for almost 2
days.
However, the ice is melting and playful taunts are exchanged, a smile in the
voice, an eagerness to prolong the conversation, an itch to keep calling/
messaging… just be in touch.

And ofcourse, all this while I'm floating a level above the ground and
telling myself to come back to reality! " Be stern" "Be firm" " you need to
be with someone who takes a stand for you" … well although the words keep
repeating in my head, my heart says " I'm longing to see him" " I'm longing
to lay my hands on him" " I'm longing to tell him I miss him"

So I finally meet him. It's supposed to be a serious exchange, sitting
across the table over coffee. Talking about us. I'm prepared.
I open the door. I see him.
We hug. For a long time.
N then I kiss him… just like that. No words exchanged… just like that…All my
freaking resolutions flying out of the window.
And as they say…The rest is history.

p.s. Of course, the serious conversation happened, in between a lot of
tongue twisting.( and I'm not really sure I regret it happening that way!)
Oops.

Every day in anticipation of…

2007-02-20T22:59:00.000-08:00

The roller coaster to come to a stop… the time bomb to explode… the bubble
to burst… the phone to ring… the heart attack to happen… the nerves to
explode… the car to crash… the dream to finish… the smile to evaporate… or
the smile to emerge… recognition of surroundings… reality- hard and
biting…the web to be torn… the hibernation to end… the eyes to see… the
lungs to breathe… freedom of thought and expression… information to
register… registered information to seep in… work to matter… work not to
matter… life to be more… back to childhood…into the cocoon… or out of the
cocoon… stronger… past… future… present … where am I ??
Can anybody hear my silent scream?

Musings on Making Things Real

2007-02-19T23:24:00.000-08:00

I've been writing this blog off n on since March last year. Truthfully, I
have written more posts in the last 2 months than the entire 2006. Why?
Can't say.

Also, most of the posts which I have written have been morbid and
depressing.
Assuming that it's MY blog and I'm free to write whatever comes to MY mind…
no matter how dark it is… I kept writing.

Have NOT given a second thought to the fact that when I write something
down, I actually seal it… make it more real than it was when inside my head.

Or maybe it is an attempt by me to gain some sympathy… find a common ground…
a listening ear. ( coz I know for a fact that the people around me are
totally and completely fed up of my whining!)

So I write… and It gives me satisfaction.

And then I chance upon this post on Danah's blog ' Musing on making things
Real'

http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/
<http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/>

It leaves me thinking about relationships and their idiosyncrasies.

Of all the things which people do when they break up, I've done NONE:
- His number is still on my phone
- I have all the pics… safely stored away. Am avoiding looking at
them, but don't have the heart to burn them
- Have blocked and unblocked him 1 million times on my msn… at the
moment, he's unblocked

As confusion prevails in my mind… I'm thinking… am I stuck in a time warp?
I need closure, instead I write a new post everyday talking about how
miserable I am without him.

Think I read somewhere that men have this amazing ability to
'compartmentalize' their thots, put them into neatly packaged slots. So if
they don't want to open the package named 'relationship' they just put it
into the back compartment and move on with their daily existence… happily.

Women on the other hand mull, dissect, shred to pieces every goddamn
thought, event till they have a headache and have no choice but to have a
disprin and sleep. And even in sleep, you'd find women having vivid dreams
about the same. So in reality, there is no rest provided to the miniature
brain at any level.

Think I admire men for this ability. Have been trying to emulate them in
this respect by compartmentalizing my thoughts.

Here's what I'm doing these days:

Have an image of a door with a key in the lock. Everytime I have a thought
about the past I try to literally pick it up( the thought), throw it behind
the door and turn the lock. Now I would like to throw the key away, but I
keep it handy for the next thought which comes in !! It has worked at some
level.

But women will be women… and here I am writing another post about my
struggles, rather than throwing the thoughts behind the door !!!!! hehehe!

Gaaawwdddd! Help the female species :-)

2007-02-18T23:12:00.000-08:00

I have an urge… to return the blank call. To hear the voice and just…click
I don’t see the point of it, I don’t see the logic of it, and I definitely don’t see it going anywhere.

However, I have an urge…

And

The urge is eating me alive.

Thank you, Girl Interupted.

2007-02-17T00:55:00.000-08:00

Tonite I watched 'Girl Interupted' for the 4th time maybe 5th.
Every time I watch the movie, it leaves me with a sense of freedom.

To begin with, I identify most with Susanna ( Winona Ryder), the woman driving herself insane with her own hands. She walks into a mental institution, not belonging there, and slowly becomes an integral part of the place and it's people.
Lisa ( Angelina Jolie) is the in-your-face, hyper woman losing her rhythm constantly and creating chaos at every step.

Through the course of the movie the two woman find true friendship, a bond which only 2 people on the verge of a breakdown can possibly find. They grow closer and then move apart and then grow closer again. They slowly discover their own identities and begin a quest at finding their souls.

The beauty of the movie, I feel, does not lie solely in the acting, which in itself is remarkable. It's the theme of the movie which truly touches your heart.

In a world of crazy events, happenings and not to mention people, sanity is surely just an illusion we create in our minds to give ourselves some solace, is it not? the distinction between the crazy and the so-called 'outside' world... what is it? and who establishes it?
And yet we continue with our daily routines, with our minds full of rubbish, standing on the edge of insanity and pitying the ones who crossed the line.
Are we sane? Is it necessary to talk funny to be branded crazy? Is it necessary to try and commit suicide, to be declared mentally ill, even though you maybe thinking about it 24-7?

While these questions trouble me, the ending of the movie brings me back from my dark thoughts to the light of day.
As Susanna sits on the stairs crying , staring at Lisa and listening to her wild ranting,

She says, " Ive wasted 1 year of my life in this mental institution... and I know the world out there maybe insane, but I'd rather be out there in that crazy world, than be here in this mental institution"

And it makes sense. Binding the movie. A perfect full circle.

We sit and cry about our miseries, some self-created, some not, when the world is waiting with open arms, longing to hold us.

I shut the TV and smile.

I feel hope. Hope for myself and my future. Hope that everything will fall into place. Hope that I'm here to discover myself and everyday brings me a step closer towards finding myself.

Thank you, Girl Interupted.

Still raving about nonsense...

2007-02-16T12:22:00.000-08:00

Here’s the poem which K has been totally insisting I introduce you all to.

The Bathing Hymn

( Translated by Anoushka Ravi shankar from the Marathi original ‘Aanghol Stotra’ )

Om havum bathum namaha

Om take offum clothesum namaha

On the body applyum oilum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha rubrubum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha

Om on the body porurum waterum namaha

Glugglugum namaha blugblugum namaha

Glugglugum namaha

Om applyum soapum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha rubrubum namaha

Work upum latherum namaha

Om pourum more waterum namaha

Glugglugum namaha blugblugum namaha

Wash offum soapum namaha

Om wipeum bodyum namaha

Weareum clothesum namaha

Om niceum cleanum namaha

Bring outum snacksum namaha!

By far the weirdest poem I’ve personally ever read. Am amazed at the fact that it has been written at all. And yet… it’s awesome! :)

Nonsense !!!

2007-02-16T07:51:00.000-08:00

ok ... here's to a new me !!
forget the posts u read before... wipe them... erase them from thy memory.

Those were rants of a bitter woman... not so bitter no more.
How? Why? dunno.

But enough is fucking enough!
You may wonder what led to this transformation overnight?

Well... its a small little Cafe Latte with K and extensive reading on 'nonsense'
Huh? Nonsense? I hear you mutter.

well... actually yes... NONSENSE!

We scan through Full circle Bookstore, and K tries to cheer me up with this book called ' The Tenth Rasa- an Anthology of Indian Nonsense'
It works.

We laugh all evening reading wacky poems translated from local Indian languages to English. Let me read a poem to you to illustrate:

Pious
( translated by Anushka Ravishankar from the Maraathi original ' Dhaarmik')

In the town of piouspur
Lived such a pious sage
when he caught a cold he read
the Gita, page by page!

Here's another one:

What the Little Girl Learnt
( Translated by Sampoorna chaterji from the Bengali original ' Meye Kemon Shikchhen')

A-ha!
Yes ma!
Baa Baa Black sheep
Have you any wool?
No ma, No ma,
that's all bull.
Not black, not a sheep,
Not at all woolly
So, where'll I get wool?
You're wrong fully?

Isn't it BIZARRE!!!

There are many more wierder ones... n I promise to read out one daily to you... just for a laugh.

In the foreward, the poem above has been critically analysed in light of the term ' nonsense'... the argument being that nonsense can be studied as the very basis of existense.
The different essays throw up ideas like, nonsense is a human endeavour which allows the simultaneity of is-ness and is-not-ness. ( trying to read further to figure that one out!!)

Our ' What the little girl learnt' is actually understood as a dig at English culture, and how through verse Indian's rebel. It is also studied as an anti-racist poem.. where the Indian child clearly rejects the notion of ' Black'.

Fascinating no how there is meaning in nothingness?

So... my spirits are up and I feel like laughing and being silly, just for the heck of it.
Why need a reason? :)

"Get a Date"

2007-02-16T03:55:00.000-08:00

It's SS's engagement on Sunday, because of which the woman has obviously
been very very tied up. There's barely been any conversation for the past
few days. Every time we speak, she's like:

" I'll call you back… I'm at the jewelers or buying clothes or getting the
place ready or sitting with the prospective hubby or in-laws or hubby/
in-laws friends" Basically doing everything in the whole world but talking
to moi !!

Aaaaarrrggh!

Frustrating.

Anyway. So she books my Sunday, " Be at my place by 8.30am. Get ready here…
we'll go to the gurudwara from here itself. Then there will be paath, the
engagement and lunch. Ofcourse, in the evening there's a party at my place"
I'm like, " Great. Will be there in the morning!!! "
She, " Bring a date in the evening !!"
Me ( irritable… I mean the woman knows I've just fucking broken off. Don't
have even have a whiff of a single man, near or far, n she asks me to get a
date. Ok, chill… maybe she's just being nice- " Yup, will try!"

Topic closed. Forgotten.

Friday evening… the prospective fiancé is in town… time to begin the party,
why wait till Sunday to celebrate?

Get a call Friday afternoon, " What u doing in the evening"
My humble self, " Nothing constructive. Just gonna laze at home"
SS, " Ok. We're planning to go to Laid Back Waters in the evening. Keep
ureself free."
Me, " Ok. Who all?"
SS, " Myself, P ( d fiancé), Sh and G. Bring a date"
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STATEMENT?? I MEAN ARE WE TRYING TO RUB IT IN ON
PURPOSE??
Me- " SS, I don't have a date! Maybe coz I'm not dating anyone anymore! At
the moment have no intentions of getting a date/ dating anyone… maybe even
indefinitely. So can you please NOT keep asking me to get a DATE !!"
SS ( somewhat embarrassed)" Ok, just come. Forget it"

Topic closed a second time over.
However, in my mind, it's still open.

Am having an argument here as to why is it so important to be socially seen
on a man's arm, for women to actually be feeling:
a) Good about themselves
b) Good about their social circle.

I know there is concern at some level, for a single friend, however,
honestly, beyond that, do people start feeling uncomfortable in the presence
of singles when they are seeing someone… nonononono not seeing someone…
potentially engaged/ married?

I know this ' get a date' would never have been said had she been going out
with her bf a year ago. But because 2 couples are meeting, I'd be the '
odd-one-out', sitting alone, probably and sipping my lonely vodka's.

Maybe it's a sense of embarrassment- "Hey, here's a perfectly nice woman..
and I'm sorry to admit she's single"
Maybe it's a sense of disgust - " Hey, look, I'm getting engaged now. We're
a couple, we need to be hanging out with couples. Marriage means
responsibility etc… n I cannot be seen as a junkie with single people and
their lonely vodka's and chain smoking.
Maybe it's a sense of pity- " God! She's going to feel so out of place with
us happy couples! Poor soul! God bless her!"

I don't care which one it is. But its just NOT required.

PhoneBooth

2007-02-15T04:43:00.000-08:00

There was an incident which I chose NOT to narrate to you yesterday. No
particular reason, I didn't pay much attention to it… basically it just
slipped my mind.
Well, the incident took place again today… it's fresh in my mind and now I'm
just itching to tell you about it.

Here's how it goes:

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. No Boy friend. Nobody. All sorts of weird-ass
fucking blues blowing my mind apart. Void.

N then I get a call…

" Hello"
No one speaks.
" Hello"
A couple of seconds pass. Someone's listening to my voice. Quietly. I hear
noise in the background… traffic, cars moving, people talking. Sounds like a
public phone booth.
"Hello"
Click.

I keep the cell phone down ...stare at it for a minute. Go into my 'Call
Register' and check the number. Should I call back? Should I not? Maybe it
was just a wrong number. Maybe it wasn't.
I dismiss the random thots. Get back to work. But mind is on the phone. I
want to know who called.

I call the number.
It's ringing.

I hear a voice.
"Heeeelloooooo"
I try to judge it. Somewhat rustic. Bad English. Gotto be a shopkeeper!
" Heeeelloooooo"
I'm quiet. I don't know what I'm thinking. I KNOW ITS NOT S. But I'm
looking for a sign… any sign that he was there… that had called me. No sign.

Click.

Ok, so it wasn't him. Was just a wrong number, so stop making it into a big
deal!! OKKKK! Forget it.

That was yesterday.

I get another call today… from the same number.

" Hello"
Silence
" Hello, who is that?"
Click

I'm pissed. I decide to call back on the number and speak to the man,
whoever he is. What the hell is this mind-fuck?

I call.

Me- "Hello"
Him- " Heeeelllooooo"
Me- " Hi. I got a missed call from this number. Who is that?"
Him( irritable)- "This is an STD Booth. We don't know who called you. There
are hundreds of people who walk in an out of here all the time !!!"
Me- " Someone called less than 2 minutes ago. Could you tell me who was the
last person who called from this number?"
Him( snort!)- "I don't know. It was some guy!"
Me-" What area of Delhi is that?"
Him- "Nariana"
Me- " Could you describe the guy a bit?"
Him ( thoroughly fed up)- " Lady, I'm busy !!!"
Click

Now, I don't know a SOUL in that part of Delhi… except…. S. His office is
in Nariana, near PVR theatre.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm angry at myself for being nervous and excited.
And yet I am.
The guy has made my life a living hell for the last 2 years and I'm nervous
and excited at the remote possibility that he's now giving me blank calls (
Ok… not so remote… highly probable!).???!!! What kind of an asshole am I
???? Not good.

Here's what I'm thinking with an nasty smirk on my face:

So… I'm not the ONLY one in pain!
So… the guy misses me
So… the guy's football stadium-sized ego seems to be melting
So… I want to hurt him
So… I want to hurt him the way he's hurt me

Yes… I am evil and I love it.

I strengthen my resolve of NOT calling him…Lets see how much longer he
holds. :-)

Hyper Ventilating

2007-02-14T23:39:00.000-08:00

My stomach has been tied up in knots for the last 1 week. I refuse to unwind
it.
And it shows.

Common questions being asked:

" What's wrong with you?"
" You're hyper, woman… slow down"
" You're behaving like a lunatic"
" You've lost it"
" Can you stop yapping for 5 min and listen"

Yes… hyper ventilating for no apparent reason. Have a recurring vision of
myself standing at the edge of a cliff, about to fall off any second.
Mind you, its not a 'JUMP' of the cliff… it's a 'FALL' of the cliff.

So in the midst of the mind-fuck, I try to psycho-analyse my problem. Here's
what I've concluded:

- I'm finding it harder than I'd imagined to get out of this broken
relationship. The constant spurt of tears just don't appear to stop. My
professional life is just fine, it's the personal life which is driving me
insane.
- Have not been single in ages. Just don't know what to do with
myself. Consequently my behavior towards the opposite sex is weird. Am
frantic at the thought of never meeting anyone whom I like or feel any sort
of chemistry with. Am frantic at the thought of being alone… forever. Am
lost and helpless and I want a hand to steady me. Aanndd… at the same time
am scared of the extent of my disillusionment, my vulnerability, for…I feel
genuine fear of men…and their capacity to hurt me.

So in the last few days, the confusion has come to a head…

- Have interacted with 4 men in the last 4 days. 2 over the net and 2
personally. 2 I know thoroughly and 2 I don't know all that well. ( How
frantic am I?)
- So far, have been attracted to none… or maybe forced attraction to
one, who's very obviously seeing someone. Whatever.
- Went for 'Valentine's Day' with a friend and some guy she wanted me
to jam up with. Nice fellow, easy to talk to, tolerably smart. What did I
wanna do? Everything and nothing. Throughout the evening was shuttling
between 2 extremes… do something bizarre and completely unlike me or run
away. Ultimately, what did I do? Run away. It was the safer option, and
honestly, I was scared… even guilty. Although I know I owe no explanations
to anyone anymore… I was guilty… simply for being with a guy other than S at
a pub and laughing… feeling free…

So… I wonder… what has become of the bubbly, fun loving person that was me?
Where is the social bird? Where am I hiding?

Thought for the Night

2007-02-13T23:22:00.000-08:00

Im online... n so is he.
I see him... he sees me. Ignore.
Have blocked and unblocked him a million times already from my msn. No good. somehow I want him there. I want him to see me online... so close and yet so far.

My decisions... my thots... my mind.... shatter around me when I see him there. I will not allow weakness to come in the way, this time. No more pain...
n thats what it will be...one more hello followed by innumerable insults and let downs. Another series of disasters... another kick to my self esteem... another guilt trip for nothing.
So i log off and write this post...
for...
Its better to be apart and miserable, when remembering the good times... than to be together and miserable when living the bad times.

2007-02-12T11:15:00.000-08:00

Lets just verbalise what I want right now..

Asking Too Much

Ani Difranco

I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, you know
I never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
because if you hear me talking
listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of heving fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
I want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words I want someone
who's not afraid of themself

do you think I'm asking too much?

Loosing My Mind

2007-02-12T03:15:00.000-08:00

Today is one of those days, which u wish never comes or simply ends.
Well… neither is happening just yet.
I've just spent the better half of today shuttling between the my seat and
the loo to give vent to my sporadic bursts of tears.

Could it be PMS?

I dunno.

All I know is I feel like my insides are on the verge of coming out of my
eyes, nose and mouth and head.

Flashes of memory shoot through my head and fresh tears sting at the back of
my eyes….
In my mind, I scream out his name repeatedly and my eyes support the
pain…salt water runs down my cheeks…sweet water… n I choke on my breadth…I'm
quiet… noone should hear me crying in office… so I cry silently…as though my
world is crumbling around me… staring at nothing while my mind sees
everything… an odd evening in London listening to 'India' by Shakti…
listening to Anarkali in Pune…Getting off the train from Pune and finding
him at the station at 6am…. walking towards Hampstead Heath or Camden… the
Ist day I land in Heathrow and we meet… the trip to Goa… New years… next
morning coming down at the shack… the love… the efforts… the crazy times…
over and over and over again… over.

Once in control…I wash my face and walk towards my desk with my head down.
But of course, its not easy to ignore my sullen expression and red nose.
I ignore a few raised eye brows… go to my seat and work as though nothing's
wrong… whereas everything is.

My heart, My mind, My soul is crying.

So I will allow the tears to flow for as long as they want to.
Simply because I haven't allowed myself to cry since the break up.

Could it be that my world is coming to an end? Could it be that noone will
ever be able to recognize me for the person that I am? Could it be that I'll
be left with no choice but to resign my life to some stranger who will
struggle for the rest of his life to break down the barriers I'm beginning
to create around me? Could it be that I will always have that dirty taste in
my mouth everytime I look at a man… any man… a stranger on the street… a
husband/ bf simply talking to his partner? Could it be that I will actually
execute the crazy thoughts which keep crossing my mind .. pushing me towards
closure… total and complete… of everything. Could it be that I might not be
able to find the courage inside me, to fight this ?

Life

2007-02-11T08:39:00.000-08:00

read today... live everyday as if it were ure last.

Have heard this one before... how many times have I ever paid heed to it, though?

2007-02-06T11:56:00.000-08:00

Tear It Down
by Jack Gilbert

We find out the heart only by dismantling what
the heart knows. By redefining the morning,
we find a morning that comes just after darkness.
We can break through marriage into marriage.
By insisting on love we spoil it, get beyond
affection and wade mouth-deep into love.
We must unlearn the constellations to see the stars.
But going back toward childhood will not help.
The village is not better than Pittsburgh.
Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh.
Rome is better than Rome in the same way the sound
of racoon tongues licking the inside walls
of the garbage tub is more than the stir
of them in the muck of the garbage. Love is not
enough. We die and are put into the earth forever.
We should insist while there is still time. We must
eat through the wildness of her sweet body already
in our bed to reach the body within the body.

Utopia

2007-02-06T11:51:00.000-08:00

The long long chat with K yesterday left me in a funny mood- At the one end I was energized, ready to take on life, focus on my career, be placid ( like he says)
And at the other extreme I felt disillusioned ... disillusioned with life and people and men in particular.
There are realities which you know exist and then there is facing those realities in the face. In my life those realities exist elsewhere... pain is not really happening to me... men are not conniving bastards but complexed individuals needing only a little scraping on the surface to bring out their true essence.
Well, according to K, I need to wake up... get out of this dream world and face the harsh facts of reality.
I propose the foll questions in reply:
- Why not create your own alternate reality when you clearly see that the world you live in is not a perfect haven
- Why not judge people through the eyes of that alternate world where atleast beautiful things happen ... where people change... where people dont intentionally hurt each other... Where realisation is a constant.
According to K, the only thing constant is change. Well said. I know that.
In my alternate reality change happens too... but on some sub conscious level... In a dream... Or then... maybe not.
I know the man is right on more than one account... but its extremely difficult for me to understand what is going on here.
I've lived in a movie all my life... and this is NOT how its supposed to end.

Happy or Sad ... I'm not prepared to wake up ...

Good Fake

2007-02-05T15:02:00.000-08:00

Had a fantastic day yesterday. But yesterday was yesterday.

Spent the better part of yesterday with Puji n Su. Giving gyan to the women
on love and patience ( ironic, isn't it? Coming from a woman who's own love
life is in the doldrums… or should I say non-existent?) . Well, I did a
pretty good job of it anyway.

Its amazing how a third person is able to see one's life so much more
clearly than oneself. I was that third person in their lives yesterday. I was in control of my thoughts and emotions. I knew what I was talking about. Confident. Bold. It
felt good, to be telling them that they had everything going for them and
that they should lay back and enjoy life as its happening to them. I so
wanted them to see that there's so much more to life than petty issues. They
needed to love themselves. Give their partner space and freedom. To simply
'BE'. They listened … with rapt attention. I felt I hit a chord somewhere….
For a while, I'd made a difference in their troubled worlds.

Ultimately I stayed over at Su's place and in the morning when on my way
home, the evening's events and conversations began to wear off.

'The person that I am and the person that I portray to be are two different
people. I'm told that this is the case with everyone… we all hide our demons
somewhere deep down, we are all pretenders, fakes in one way or the other.
It's only how good a fake you are that counts. I've become a good fake over
the last 1 year.' , I thought.

The same feeling of loneliness began enveloping me as I drove my car back
from Gurgaon to Delhi. I saw a Scorpio on the way. It was not white. It was
not S. I imagined myself having virtual eye contact with S on a red light
somewhere…..

My tiny Maruti comes to a standstill at a crossing. I'm parked next to a
white Scorpio. I turn to look and I see S. He turns and looks at me. In a
second the last 5 years flash before our eyes, its almost like an electric
signal…in the very look. And then my eyes turn stone cold. I look straight
ahead, put the car in gear and move.

Now, I would like to be like that. I would like to be cool and composed,
exactly the way I am in my virtual encounter with him. I would like to feel
indifference. Nothing. Blankness. I would like to dislike. Instead, I have
tears running down my cheeks at 7am, longing for a man who doesn't care and
is unlikely to ever truly understand me.

God. When is this going to end. I don't want to be a good fake.

A Week in Chandi

2007-02-03T00:14:00.000-08:00

I just spent a long long week in chandi and am back with a vengence.

things I have put behind me:
a) My past
b) My past
c) My past

So on n so forth.

Being home with family can be quite unnerving at times... however I coped well. Infact the constant bikkering served as a successful distraction for my brooding mind.
I ate n ate n ... lemme see... ate. Mom being typically mom-like, made sure my stomach didnt get any rest and consequently my waist size is an inch broader at the end on my short stint.
Smoked a few here n there... more or less on the low side.
Slept like there's no tom... morning... noon... n night
Tried to make conversation with dad... which I think was partially successful. He can be difficult to talk to to. given my patience level is at an all time low... I dont think I did a very good job. this is a constant regret at the end of every meeting with him. I always feel like going back and undoing all the conversations... just being nicer. but, its just so difficult being nice to him. now... I dont want to justify my behaviour... but he infuriates me... the drinking, smoking and gluttony combined make my heart burn. so I avoid conversation, lest I say something nasty. Consequently the few words which are exchanged are laden with sarcasm both ways. ... neway... next time.

The highlight of the trip has undoubtedly been - Brownie and Mirchi...the two bitches in my life!!

Briefly discribing the 2:
Brownie... sausage dog, brown, eyes which make your heart melt, a bitch with a bark but no bite, hyper active woman...3 year old but never been mated... frustrated to the core... needs sex before she drives herself insane... currently going through an identity crisis- THINKS SHE'S A MAN!
Mirchi...lab ( could be a mix!), eyes like the eery colour which Micheal Jackson had in thriller, however they're decieving. she's a popet... dont think she knows the meaning of the word bark... lazy woman... doesnt want to move her butt even to say hello when you come after a long day out... mother of 'x' amount of pups... been there done that!

So in comes mirchi with her slow swagger... n brownie's getting excited... the little frustrated , pooch cant stop wagging her tail!! There's the bark... which could be mistaken for a 'yooohoo
here comes my woman!'
Brownie's slowly creeping up behind mirchi... the sniffing starts... u guessed it... up the arse!!!
If you thought this is a one off phenomena... well think again! the poor pooch has been at it for nearly 7 days!
On and off attempts at humping mirchi have resulted in disappointment... at the end of it all... brownie is content at sticking with mirchi like a shadow...
Mirchi on the other hand... is likely to develop a slight temper by the end of her stay in chandigarh... i mean how much can u take a chit of a sausage sniffing you / trying to hump you day and night!
for the first time since I met her, have heard mirchi bark. Sad... but true.

However... the two make a formidable pair... and I simply loved watching them play around day and night.

Apart from the their li'l escapades... told mom to start the man hunt again... fruitful or not... I will open my mind n eyes to other men.
At the moment am in the process of trying to justify the concept of arranged marriage to myself. Here are my arguments:
- Meeting the man of ur dreams is a chance... it could be through a friend, off the net, at a party, or with parents in a room. big deal.
- With families being involved the comfort level is greater ( as I have been told by all the propogaters of arranged marriage across the globe)
- Life is a risk... whether its love or arranged... why fret?

So I'm preparing myself for the leap.... although fear is a given... am in the process of making myself more practical, so I can take the reins of my life in my own hands.

I Choose

2007-01-25T08:44:00.000-08:00

I choose to be who I am
I choose to be me
I choose to be happy
I choose to move on
I choose to find myself again
I choose to say fuck off
I choose to stop being miserable
I choose to choose
I choose to talk to myself
I choose to stop putting myself through hell
I choose to see the truth which is me
I choose to trust my heart and mind
I choose to forgive him
I choose to make my own decisions
I choose to smile
I choose to accept the turn my life is taking
I choose to realise my worth
I choose to see that I'm beautiful and pure inside
I choose to build my self esteem
I choose to pour my heart out to anyone who wants to listen
I choose to scream out all the dirt inside
I choose to create my own space
I choose to be free
I choose to love again
I choose to open my eyes
I choose to think rationally
I choose to understand my capabilities and limitations
I choose to accept myself with my weaknesses
I choose to take the reins of my life in my own hands
I choose to take responsibity for the things I did wrong the ones I didnt
I choose to see that I'm good

I choose not to be angry
I choose not to mope
I choose not to hate him
I choose not to cry over spilled milk
I choose not to think I'm a failure
I choose not to think that this is the end of the world
I choose not to be trampled upon
I choose not to be pushed around
I choose not to argue when I cant prove anything
I choose not to bang my head against a wall
I choose not to hate myself
I choose not to feel lost and helpless
I choose not to feel guilty about my existence

I choose not to choose him
I choose to live

Finding Myself

2007-01-24T13:10:00.000-08:00

Thought of penning down my deliberations. Maybe write a poem. Express some.
Mind doesnt seem to be cooperating in the act.
So figured I'd just rattle out a few random thoughts I've been having since day before.

Post break up, have been oscillating between numbness and jubiliation.
Numbness, I expected. Jubilation, I didnt.

I'd be inhuman if I said I dont miss the man... the good times. But its just that they were soooo long back.
If I were to sum up the relationship, I'd say It's been divided into 2 parts:
1) Before the fiasco in UK
2) After the fiasco in UK

Now, dont ask me what the fiasco in UK was... coz it was tooo utterly, totally, completely excruciatingly painful for me to recount all over again.
In brief it was a lot of questioning and doubting by him and a lot of explaining and justifying by me.

Ive tried long and hard to work things out in the last 2 years. I've failed miserably.
Or maybe not.
And here's where the jubilation enters.
Ive been so so so lost...somewhere in the quagmire of arguments...justifications and explanations.
n now I'm finally ready to move on... to find myself again... my own opinion... my own laugh... my own thoughts... my own heart and mind.

Everyone I know, meet, speak to, am friends with, has only two things to say -
"You're going to go back to him."
"We've seen this before"

I dont have any answers to that. I dont want to answer anyone anymore. no more explanations to ANYONE.

All I plan to focus my energies on, is on building and moulding my personality again. I want to love myself again. To start seeing myself through my eyes and not someone else's. To just be...and be happy in just being. Do whatever I want to do and have only myself judging my every action.

Do I think I'll get back with the man? A part of me craves for the past, but the more sensible, experienced side says it's never going to work, so get your act together and move on with your life.

Its amazing how every break up, every heart break, every disappointment leaves one in a state of limbo.
But when one gets out of that state, it all falls into place and you see clearly how it was never meant to be...anyway.

Therefore, am waiting to get out of that limbo.

Amongst the first things I did to hasten the process was message anyone and everyone I could remember who had crossed my path at any point in life.
It felt good.... to interact with old friends. Maybe they were'nt as close as they had once been, but the idea was to talk to people and NOT be afraid. NOT be answerable. NOT feel guilty for talking. to feel FREE. To see and understand people for what they are. To NOT judge. to trust MY insticts. To follow my heart.To NOT care. To NOT feel scared/ think/ question every man who said hello to me.

So I went out for a coffee with Kanishka last evening. We talked life, music, movies, symbi, good times. Anything and everything under the sun. and I didnt feel guilty that I was sitting at 11pm at Cafe Coffee Day and chatting.
I got hungry, and we decided to grab a bite at his place.
I thought for 5 min,guilt ridden, " Should I? Should I not?"
n then I felt like crying. What happened to me? I was always scared. that's it. He had intimidated me to such an extent that I had started questioning every single thing I did.
So...
we went and had dal, sabzi, roti at Kanishka's place... listened to the blues and flipped thru award winning ads. Had a few laughs and then he dropped me home.

It was so simple. uncomplicated. pure. innocent...It was so me.

Warning Sign

2007-01-24T12:00:00.000-08:00

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in,
Ive gotta tell you what a state Im in
Ive gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

The Marathon

2007-01-22T00:20:00.000-08:00

We've been saying for 2 days that we'll meet and talk.
So we finally meet and talk.
Ive been practicing this for days. Im confident, determined and focused.
Ive made the choice and its all very clear in my head- Either take a stand for me or else its over.
Ive replayed the dialogues in my head over and over again.
...I'm prepared.... I think.

He enters... sits on the dining table. Its like a mini conference. The air is thick with tension ( I didnt know what that meant until I experienced it)

Him- " So what do you want to talk about?"
Me- " About us. where this is going etc. You made a lot of promises, and you havent stood by them"
Him-" Have you stood by your promises?"
Me-"Huh?"
Him- " When was the last time you were in touch with Nilesh?"

A hot flush took over me. Without doing anything wrong, I felt guilty.

Do I feel for Nilesh? No, I dont. Do I want to be in touch with him? ... No, but at some level, maybe. But if I wasnt in touch with him, it wouldnt kill me, I know!!
Although we were seeing each other for barely 8 months, I resepected the guy... liked him. n 5 years down the lane, I can't even imagine having any romantic illusions about him.
So... why the hot flush? the guilt?

Anyway...I replied, " He messaged me on orkut. I told you about it"
Him- " Did you reply"
Me- " I didnt reply to the Ist msg, But ya, replied later"
Him- " Why didnt you tell me"
Me ( guilty)- " I was pissed with you"
Him- " Hello? Next time I'm pissed with you, maybe I'll go and fuck someone. How'd you like that?"

By now, my nerves were rattling inside my system. In my head, I was screaming, on the face I was silent. I didnt know what to say... how to explain. Why couldn't he see that he was pushing me against the wall and battering my heart blue, for a ghost called nilesh, who didn't even matter.
I've always been a fool in love and here was when I should have asked him to leave. To get out of my life. but what did I do instead?

I cried, begged and pleaded with him to forgive me. All the effort of the last 1 year, washed out, by a 'Happy New Year' message on Orkut?? And even if I did msg and not tell him, was it the end of the world? Was this all our relationship was worth?

After 5 years, he questions my person. My character. My love. and I proove, and I proove, and I justify, and I justify. and I try and I try to make him see that I'm committed.
But he tells me, " you dont know the meaning of the word commitment. When you get fucked in the arse the way I have been, you'll know"

I have tried over and over again in the last 2 years to make the man see that this is me and I am his, but he's blinded by his own demons. According to him, created by me. My lies, hidden secrets etc.
Did I hide things from him? yes I did.Intentionally?No. With shrewd intentions? No. Did I feel I was a liar? No, I didnt. .. you might ask me why. Because there are things worth talking about and there are things which are not. n the things which I didnt tell him about meant nothing to me.

I would like very much to scream on top of my lungs... or shake the hell out of him... or somehow make him see that he's all that has ever mattered to me. But I cant.Noone can... but him.

After the 4 hr long marathon, I was blank and mentally exhausted.
Marriage was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I didnt have a mind anymore. My head was filled with emotions like guilt, shame, regret, sadness and a longing.
Longing for the person I had loved, who had known that I was crazy about him. The man who trusted his instincts and heart more than he trusted his mind.
Here was S, still the handsome 27 year old who made my heart skip a beat with his half smile. But there was something amiss. Not only did he not trust me... but he didnt trust his own instincts either.

So today morning I wake up thinking ... Ive been begging and pleading with a man who doesnt even think I'm committed enough.

I decide to take the leap.

The mental torture of the last 2 years re emerges. I'm numb and bleeding. I want to be angry at him, but I can't. All I experience is exhaustion. I'm spent.

I call him and he sounds so sweet in the mornings. My heart melts and resolution wavers.
And then we speak.

Me-" I want to talk to you"
Him (smiling)- " ya. Tell me"
Me- " Ive spent the entire evening crying over you, when you dont even think I'm committed enough"
Him (stone cold)- " So you met your friends and they obviously influenced you again"
Me- " This is not about anyone. This is about me"
Him- " So you didnt talk about us to your friends last evening?"
Me- " I did."
Him- " what did you say?"
Me- " That it's the same."
Him- " that's where you're wrong. Its not the same. your friends have not been lying to their bf like you have been"

My melting heart freezes. The scream explodes in my head again.
I'M NOT A FUCKING LIAR !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CHEAT !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CONIVING BITCH OUT TO FUCK YOU IN THE ARSE !!
I had called him with a purpose in mind n whatever weakness I feel disappears with that one line.
"So, what's the bottom line?" He says in an exhasperated tone... fed up, as though I am intruding upon his precious time
" I want to break up", I say
" Ok. bye" Click...and the line goes dead.

Drunken Conversations Can be Revealing

2007-01-18T22:13:00.000-08:00

I went for Mahima's wedding cocktail last evening... fun.
A few drinks and good music loosened me out a bit and I decided to call S.

In a voice which can only be described as ' not high yet, but getting there', I professed my undying love for the man and emphasized on the fact that I belong to him- thoroughly, sincerely, whole heartedly etc. etc. etc.
The other man... he means nothing.... Nobody means anything.... only he means something !

The reaction was, as usual, a calm, composed voice asking me how many 'cocktails' had I had ( I mean does the man even know that there's a word in the dictionary called Romance?!). Anyway, from nothing-affects-me mode, he moved on to Im-the -reason-they-invented-the-word-ice mode. He quietly heard me out...endless sniffles being the only sign of his existence on the other end.
He's unwell you see. No, no, nothing too serious. Just the regular cold-cough- fever thing. I almost felt myself imposing on the time chalked out for blowing his nose! But that wasnt going to stop me, was it?!! Nononononono.. I needed the reaction. A REACTION. ANY REACTION!
And good as I am at getting things what I want, after much coaxing I heard him mutter, " I dont want to be with anyone else but you, either!"
Yippyyyyyy ! My evening was made... infact... my life was made.

Thats it?
One line the guy says and Im jumping out of my skin?
Is that all I'm worth? All I'm about?