Sun Burnt in Goa

I have been but a fool... all along. I know that.

Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.

I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.

And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"

And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.

And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.

And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.

And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.

And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.

I didnt just do this

i behaved like a crazy, loony woman in love...
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country

Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES

aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.

Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?

what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?

No reason to be mad... But Am

ok... so the husband went off to the United States of Amrika on Monday last...
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!

My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.

The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.

Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.

Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...

the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!

Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....

Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!

eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.

Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?

Hungover Over the Weekend

The weekend'z been its usual bizarre self... between fights with the husband,walk outs and boiling tempers, have managed to go n watch ' Karsh Kale/ Medieval Punditz' live as well as catch Dev D.

It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.

Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!

I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:

-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)

Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
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