The End of Research Work

Today is my last day at work.

As last days go… I am at work with no work.
Got up in the morning NOT wanting to goto office, inspite of knowing that
even my going is a mere formality.

Will I miss this place? Strangely enough, I feel no emotion at the thought.
I've not been here long enough to feel that I'm an integral part of the
blood flow of the place. But I have had an interesting stint.
Clearly divided into my time in Mumbai and my time in Delhi.

My time in Mumbai:
I loved the people. I loved my boss. I loved my work. I was motivated. I was
finally beginning to get research. I was flying high. Everybody loved me.
And then I took a transfer. Tearful farewells , made me feel wanted and
loved.

My time in Delhi:
I hated the people. I hated my colleagues. I HATED MY BOSS. Consequently, I
hated my work. I can write a thesis on 'Bosses and their assholic behaviour'
but that would be a waste of time on someone truly inconsequential. So… I
was low. Very Very low. And I knew it was only a matter of time before I
showed them the middle finger.

So, today is my last day ( in Delhi) and I'm to give a speech. It would be
plain rude to rave about Mumbai here… so I'm going to be polite, and simply
say I've had an ' interesting experience' in Delhi. 'Interesting' being a
word which can be interpreted in any manner.

And in the evening… party at Miss B's place (No… not celebrating my
resignation! Unfortunately. Although … would have loved a 'I hate my work'
theme! )

Seems like the beginnings of a good day !!!!

Doing Things Right

As far as doing things right go… I'm not very good at the formula.
Technically speaking, the formula would go something like:

Logical Reasoning+ A little Sensitivity
------------------------------------------------------------
Right Timing = Doing things Right

The only area I score on is the 'Sensitivity' bit. I'm pouring sensitivity,
understanding all the sentimental bullshit.
It's the logical reasoning where I fail somewhat, and timing… well.. the
word is still being constructed in my dictionary.

Therefore, I consider myself fully aware of the fact that I rarely do things
right. Even when I'm fully convinced that I've got the formula right, I
haven't. EVER.

An empirical experiment to prove the above stated formula:

Sitting on my comp at work, I come up with a brainwave to appease BF. The
options being:
1) Send flowers and card
2) Send a cake apologizing
3) Take him out for candlelit dinner, where I pre-order the sorry cake.
Also club it with flowers and cards.
4) Make a collage with our pictures.
5) Make a PowerPoint presentation with our pics/ videos etc. ( I love
this one… it would mean a lot of creativity combined with mush! Yum!)
6) Do all of the above

I choose option 6. (hello… don't look aghast. You are talking to the
queen of sop here !;)

I decide to begin with the flowers, followed by the cake, etc.etc.
PERFECT!

Straight after work, I rush to the florist. Have already decided the
flowers. 10 red roses and 10 whites. White signify peace and Red signify
love. ( god! I love myself!)
At the florist, I draft the card. I proclaim my undying love for the
man, and am truly impressed with my mastery at the English language.
I head home smug to the core!! The flowers will be at his doorstep
at 8.30am tom. BRILLIANT. He'll wake up with a smile , surrounded by
flowers!

Morning next.
9pm, I get the call. Ha! Its him!

" Thanks for the flowers"
"You're welcome! "
" The flowers and cards were circulated through the house before
they reached me. Mom-Dad, everyone's read them. Everyone's on my case about
u now. What were you thinking? You send flowers to my home, and u don't put
the card in an envelope, n now everyone wants to know what this is
about!!!!"

Oops.. What was I thinking?
In the process of trying to fix things.. I put myself in an even
more awkward situation. Instead of being thrilled about the flowers, he's
stressed about the 1 million questions he'll have to answer to two
inquisitive parents.
My poor darling!
I feel like masterminding some more 'Sorry' plans to help him get
over this faux pas of mine!

God! Wake up.

Have as of this second dropped the idea of getting the cake
delivered to his place with 'Sorry Darling" written on it.
Also, the CD with the PPT would now have to be hand delivered… TO
HIM… IN PERSON !!!

Infact, any surprises, will not be surprises anymore… but carefully
thought out and executed OPERATIONS.

Who's the asshole?

Yesterday I went to meet an old friend with S at TGIF.
It was to be a fun evening.

In the middle of the conversation, in a light hearted fashion, she called him an asshole, and told him to stop mistreating me, not once, not twice, but a number of times and in a number of ways.
I saw a hurt expression flash across his face for a second and then his face compose.

I have known this friend, lets call her N, since class 7th. We've been relatively close through the years, only losing touch in the recent past, simply because of her going to UK etc. Therefore, I can safely say that today we are not that close, that she be in a posiiton to guide me or S about how we should be solving our problems.

When me and S broke up, it was common knowledge ( was it not?) and my being hurt was on public display as well... coz that's me... and I need shoulderSSS to cry on.
He, on the other hand is the quiet one. Throwing himself into work to drown his sorrows, rather than talking to people. So, getting gyan on how to run his relationship, specially from my friends, didnt obviously go down very well with him.

Assuming that breakups and patch ups happen... assuming fights happen... assuming people talk to people when they're hurt... was I completely wrong in pouring my heart out to my friends? to u?
Does that mean that every word which I speak is carved in gold, and that now Ive created an impression of the man I love which might be partially incorrect? simply because its only my side of the story?

Keeping my dilemmas aside, why would a friend of mine deliberately try to belittle my boy friend in public? Wouldnt a friend know that it would be humiliating for him and damaging to my relationship? Wouldnt it be hurting me indirectly? Is that really a true friend?

Right now, I'm very hurt.

Hurt because I dont know whom to trust.
Hurt because I dont know the definition of friendship
Hurt because people can be unthinking.
Hurt because Ive hurt S, and I love him.
Hurt because no amount of apologies are likely to change his new found view that I actually hate him in my heart of hearts and all Ive done over the past few months is said nasty things about him to the world.

Who's the asshole? Me? Him? or friends?

Road Rage

New Delhi.
9.30am.
Traffic Hours.
I drive WITH the traffic… mind you… NOT against it.

This morning, I mastermind the shortcut…"Hmm, If I go through Okhla side, I
should reach New Friend's colony much faster than if I take the main ring
road"

Big Mistake.
Within minutes I'm drawn into the quicksand of the traffic jam, which is
pulling more and more hurried, irritable drivers, such as myself, swiftly
within it.

Car horns snarling and temperatures rising.
Not to mention, the COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE A/C in my Maruti 800, constantly
contributing to the pain. ( U might say it's not A/C weather as yet… I say,
try driving at 9.30 am, in a traffic jam which is getting your blood
boiling….and then we'll talk )

I jut my little 800's nose ahead of a DTC bus. The bus driver is half out of
his seat up there, spitting abuses at me ( along with all the rest of the
crap these drivers constantly chew on!).

Ignore.
If you drive in Delhi and you drive WITH the traffic, you have no choice but
to continue jutting you're car into every centimeter of space which presents
itself on the packed Delhi roads!
So… I continue moving.

I somehow manage to get out of the jam by going diagonally from one end of
the road to the other, where I swiftly take a left turn.

Whrooom !!! I'm moving again.

New Friend's colony in sight. Am standing at a red light now, sifting
through songs on my ipod. Completely oblivious to my surroundings.
After all… I'm at a red-light ( where I am incidentally part of another
jam!)… how much further can I go??? ( knowing me… much more… however I
choose to be good)

A car comes to my left. A man is saying something. Something to me.

He's graying on the sideburns. Possibly 35 yrs of age. Spectacles. Couldn't
be a corporate honcho… too unsophisticated for that. Maybe an IT guy?" what
does he want? Do I have a flat tyre? Is the door/ Bonnet/ back open? WHAT?

I roll down the window, " Yes?"
Him, ready to bite my head off " DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAFFIC YOU'VE BEEN
BLOCKING BEHIND YOU?"

I'm shocked. Here I am eliminating the possibilities of what might be wrong
with my car… and this guy is on a trip of his own.
Within seconds, I'm in control again. Anger pulsating through my veins.

I growl, " WHO ARE YOU? " HUH? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING?"
He growl's back, " WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO ARE YOU… HUH? "
Me again… " WHO THE HELL ARE YOOOOUUU?

( I mean where's the brain????… MY BRAIN?????…. at times like these, just
when you wanna say those one-liner's like:

" Talk to the hand, asshole"
OR
" You're such a disease"
OR
" Go take you're frustrations out on you're wife, jerk"
OR
" Haven't been getting any sex lately or what?"
etc… etc…. etc…

the best I can come up with is, " who are you?"
…. No… no… no… " who are you?" … I'm me… and I own the road… BUT WHO ARE YOU
???!!!!! Incredulous.

AAArrggghhhh. I put my car in gear, show the guy the middle finger and zoom
off ( unblocking the traffic behind me ! )

For the next 15 min I replay the conversation in my head… where every time,
I say something witty and smart, by which the guy shuts up and is seething
with anger but has nothing to retaliate with!
Also… throughout this altercation I am calm and composed… even amused!! I
look at the man with pity and contempt!

"Ha! you poor soul! i'm sooooo beyond all this."

However… I am not beyond all this. Infact I'm neck-deep in road rage. And I
live it as part of my daily existence.

Question-
What does one do with 90% of Delhi's driving population who think they're
god's gift to Delhi roads?
Like they have the birth right to scream and shout, rave and rant at the
incompetence of other drivers, while they themselves might be driving like
maniacs out to massacre the roads?

This is not to say that I'm this genius on the roads… no sir… I certainly am
not.

I see myself as a survivor. Just trying to go through my daily grind. One of
those thick skinned Delhi drivers who has learnt her lessons the hard way. …
for…I have no choice:

a) I have a car which should have been sold a decade ago.
b) I am in no position to compete with the Honda Civic's and Scorpio's
which rule Delhi roads … so I snake around these mammoths. What else can I
do? I'd be crushed otherwise…No?
c) And I certainly don't have the time, patience or energy to give
driving lessons to people on the road… so I ignore. And Truthfully.. '
Ignorance is Bliss' is working beautifully for me.

So who the HELL do these people think they are?
And WHERE THE HELL do they come from?
Don't they know that the main principle of the Delhi's F1 track is 'Survival
of the Quickest?'

Things, Dilemma and Thoughts

My Happy Things of last week:

1) I ate the best best Sushi in Delhi in a beautiful beautiful
restaurant.. It was worth every penny I paid, and trust me when I say I paid
enough.
2) Have watched the 'silent hit' Khosla Ka Ghosla for the 4th time, am
game for watching it again. Hilarious.
3) Finished White Teeth ( Zadie Smith) … loved it. Searching for
Autograph Man now. In the meantime have picked up some Nick Hornby and
William Darlymple. Although High Fidelity drove me up the wall midway, it
was still funny. And this one which I have picked up seems far more
interesting ( How to be good)
4) Heard 'Jalebi Cartels' live !! How would you classify their music?
Underground funk? Fusion? Dunno. An evening full of sophisticated Delhiites
socializing with their wine glasses… peppered with the ragamuffin
I'm-the-reason-why-they-reinvented-the-hippy types…Amazing how Delhi people
never tire of doing the muah muah's… making sure they're there at every gig,
simply to be seen. It's fascinating and pathetic at the same time. In which
group did I fit? Make a guess!!! ;)

My Confusing dilemma of last week:

1) Am presently torn between a prospective very high paying job with
very boring work profile and a somewhat low paying job with somewhat
interesting work profile. Infact, forgetting the meaning of the word
professional ethics, have gone and asked both the companies to draft me an
offer letter, Am preparing myself for getting blacklisted on the HR list of
one of the two, when I dump it.

My Sad thoughts of last week:

1) Apocalypto. Brilliant. Beautiful. Gory. Violent. Stunning…Leaves you
questioning whether the human race has anything good to offer to anyone,
anything, anywhere. The situation which was a thousand years ago, is
repeated over and over again. Death. War. Selfishness. " Man takes and takes
and takes… possibly till there's nothing left to give"… Watch this movie.
2) To be nice to dad or not to be nice to dad. Yes, he is my father.
Yes, I should be nice to him. Respectful. Like a good daughter. And yet, I
cant be nice. I'm nasty. I'm mean. I'm evil. I say things which a parent
doesn't deserve to hear. I'm full of shit and I know it. And Yet… I cant be
otherwise. He infuriates me till my blood is boiling and all I see is red.
His drinking, smoking, gluttony.
I worry about the protruding stomach and I snap.
I worry about the glass in hand and I snap.
I worry about the by-passed heart and I snap.
I worry about the smoke in hand and I snap.
I worry about my mom worrying about him and I snap !!!
I hate him and I hate myself for being like this to him. So I avoid.
And if I avoid, its like " She's avoiding her own father".

These are difficult times… seeing your parents go grayer and grayer
in front of your eyes. A fear sets in… and you don't know how to deal with
it. You see death lurking somewhere and its not a nice feeling. And you get
more scared and more cruel. My way sucks, I know. But I don't know how else
to be.

Meet the parents

Does life get better or worse everyday?

My mom's favourite line is, "Take things as they come",hearing this, you'd think she's the coolest person around, with that phrase ready at the tip of her tongue.

Uh huh... no ways.

These one-liners are for my benifit. In the hope that maybe one of them seeps in and registers within at some level. So far, this is the only one I 'Remember', if that translates into accept, understand or assimilate, I'm not sure.

Ok, so you ask me, what is the problem?
I mean everything appears to be going hunky-dory on the love front...

Am back with bf (my one and only bone of contention...EVER... considering professional , intellectual growth count for next to nothing in your life vis-a-vis personal growth??? Kidding there! know I give way too much importance to my love life. Am not convinced about the normalcy of such thinking, however it's me and I've accepted it. )

So, why have I not written anything? Writer's block, I suppose. that is not to say that life hasnt been exciting enough.
Now that i'm somewhat recovering ( thanks Lemonade! Ure post was a wake up!:) ... here's the last few weeks in a jist:

Personal Front: Well ! Well ! Well ! Life is beautiful again. dinners, lunches, movies, gigs, lots of romance. I love it. Things have gone a step further this time, my sweets...yes.... the man has talked about long term commitment. Finally finding the courage to break it to my parents as well !!

So, I sit my mom down, talking at length about S and our plans. she says well.. lemme hear it from the man himself!!! So the man himself speaks to her ( honestly, this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE step in a relationship where the future has been a questionmark for over 1 year).

Mom comes down to Delhi and a meeting is arranged ( incidentally for today!) .

We are both edgy. Me, because I feel he could back out at the last minute.... have become so suspicious of the man's intentions now, that even when he said he'd meet my folks I was full of doubt ( which is actually unfair to the man)...

"Will he back out? He'll insult my mom? Does he really want to be with me or is this meeting a pacification attempt? Maybe he'll back out later, when my family is neck deep into this?"...

God! my mind is a whirlwind and my conversation with him on the phone, shows it!!! I rave and rant about family, commitment, our relationship etc. ... out of control.

As for him... he is himself on a nerves edge. First he speaks to Girlfriend's mom... however, that's not enough!! Girl friend wants him to proove further, by making him meet her parents. (Maybe its a guy thing... all this cold feet jazz. does it even happen to women?) Anyway... so he's raving and ranting on the other end... What does mom want to ask? Im ready to get married, then what's the problem? Why the meeting? I know they'll want to pack us off asap, I want some time here etc etc etc.

Further rise in temperatures... screaming, shouting and a few tears. Click.Typical.

By 5pm, I am getting panicky. Mom is here, getting ready to meet her to-be son-in-law, and the to-be son-in-law is not answering his phone. I'm going hysterical inside, and can't share it ,with mom, coz i'm gonna get one those typical retorts , " If he doesnt have the courage to meet us, then he's not worth it."

So I wait... hope and pray that he calls.

5.30pm... call.

Cold, Strained voice, him, " yup. where do you want to meet?"
Me, " Cafe Coffee Day?"
him, " Ok."
Click

I'm losing it now. This is not going to go well. I can feel it in my gut. Im scared and nervous.
Mom on the other hand is cool and composed... even excited. She's even bought a new suit for the meeting ( how cute are mom'z??!!).

We reach Cafe Coffee Day...
In comes the man.
Respectful.Polite. Gentleman-like.
My mom is impressed.
The conversation drifts from polite niceties to serious stuff. He sails through, as though this is what he'd been preparing for all his life.

" Yes, aunty." " No, aunty" " Yes, I love her aunty" " Ofcourse we want to get married, aunty" " As soon as possible aunty" " By the end of the year aunty?" " sure,aunty"

Mom is beaming with joy.

And I'm glowing with pride.

Hello, how did this happen? Can I dare presume life only gets better everyday?