Jealousy can be evil.
I experienced it yesterday. It was all consuming. Overpowering. It enveloped me from all directions, and blinded me to insanity.
I yelled. I shrieked. I cried. I screamed till I was hoarse. Numb.
I tried to control myself, but insecurity didnt allow me to. I bit off his tongue. I threatened him with the things I'll never do to myself. I wanted to destroy him. Eat him alive.
I felt anger. Revulsion. Hatred. and every single negative emotion that exists.
I wanted to take a rope and tie him down and whack him blue. I wanted to shake him up till his organs came out of his mouth.
I was livid. I was beside myself with anger.
I wanted to prolong the fight. Keep yelling till I lost my voice. I refused to keep the phone down for 3 hours, and I could have gone on for another 5.
I pleaded to speak and then I screamed. I called him names. I called her names. I proposed a meeting ( maybe to yell in person) but he refused. I think I scared him with my fit. And it was a fit. I have never seen this side of myself.
And later, I made myself a J mechanically...half dead with exhaustion...to put my mind to sleep. I slept fitfully. The conversation reverberating in my head in my sleep.
I got up feeling angry. At myself. for giving away my insecurity. For allowing him to see my weakness. For making him feel important.
Was that really me?
I smoked a cigarette before I brushed. I packed my bags like a zombie. I'm going to Bombay today for a week. My excitement has died down. Infact, Im dreading the queries about him from mom, dad... n sis.
How do I tell them that I'm losing the plot... within myself and with this fuckall relationship which is driving me up the fucking wall?
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
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