Its been three months and finally I feel the need to write.
Hmm... what do I tell u? That I'm happily married and living a life of bliss or that finally dreams are becoming a reality.
I probably shouldve listened... should have thought some more... analysed... rationalised... but my decision making ability had gone for a six, and continues to be missing till date.
So how were the last two months, u ask? A haze, I tell u...
I look at the husband and rarely recognize him... I look at myself in the mirror and try to talk.. "ure married now, things have changed... life is different... things dont happen the way they used to when u were single and free"
Well.. the concept suddenly seems overrated.... and now that i'm neck deep into shit... I wanna get out and how!!!
Ofcourse... there are few choices when one is in a situation such as mine ... and so i continue to break head over the inevitability of it all.
There are a few things which I have discovered about myself since the wedding:
- I'm a highly individualistic person... its next to impossible to share myself with anyone... I just love myself too much... or dont?
- I've put people into soo many stereotypes all my life, that now its impossible not to categorise. Impossible not to laugh at tradition... impossible not to note conformism... impossible not to be the rebel in a norm bound society.
- I'm probably in greater mental trouble than I had anticipated initially. The mind plays games with you, if u allow it too... but what happens when u let the mind dictate u completely. When u are no seperate from ure irrational thoughts... when u are the thoughts... when u are ruled by them... when u get panic attacks simply from thinking too much... when the hair on the back of ure neck stand and u feel heat, simply because u see a black hole called life stretching out infront of u. Who says that the picture of that life cannot be happy... it can be... but when the mind clouds ure head with negativity.
When the inclination to fix ure life leaves u...
How do I bring myself to make an effort... for him... for myself... how can u make ureself love someone who is a complete antithesis of anyone u ever wanted to be with.
Now that the deed is done... how do I carry on?
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6 comments:
glad to see you here...
i was worried about you..
your mind might be playing games on you, but you'll figure them out sooner or later..it cant get worse than this, right?
take care sweetie..
Again you are at it. Well I thought We had RESOLVED this hadn't we? HADN'T WE?
On second thought, I am planning to open an ashram in the hills, which would shift to GOA for winters. And you have to join in. ShwetaB can do the planning and G will take care of overseas marketing. You will have to take care of program management for all my high end clients and take care of the hers garden, make sure no weeding happens ;-)
did I say hers garden? I meant herBs garden.
i know i know marriage s weird!!!
update!!
A year and half ago, I was in the exact same place, writing the exact same post. A dark place, it is. But clarity will come. Always does. Take care. - Random stranger:-)
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