A few shockers:
- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.
Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...
Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.
I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Our song
There was a song... and it was mine and his song... and it was special... and I heard you hum it to me...
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?
I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...
but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.
And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years
When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.
I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?
I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...
but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.
And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years
When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.
I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
book
i'm gonna write a book.
Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...
Watch the bookshelves
Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...
Watch the bookshelves
Monday, March 09, 2009
mind funk
First I went online and searched for Sachin's name n then i went on to facebook... unblocked Sachin and saw his picture.
Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.
n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.
N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...
think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?
and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.
Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.
n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.
n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.
Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.
n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.
N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...
think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?
and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.
Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.
n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.
n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sun Burnt in Goa
I have been but a fool... all along. I know that.
Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.
I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.
And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"
And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.
And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.
And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.
And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.
And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.
Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.
I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.
And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"
And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.
And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.
And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.
And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.
And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I didnt just do this
i behaved like a crazy, loony woman in love...
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country
Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES
aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.
Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?
what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country
Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES
aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.
Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?
what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
No reason to be mad... But Am
ok... so the husband went off to the United States of Amrika on Monday last...
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!
My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.
The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.
Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.
Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...
the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!
Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....
Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!
eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.
Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!
My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.
The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.
Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.
Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...
the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!
Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....
Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!
eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.
Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Hungover Over the Weekend
The weekend'z been its usual bizarre self... between fights with the husband,walk outs and boiling tempers, have managed to go n watch ' Karsh Kale/ Medieval Punditz' live as well as catch Dev D.
It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.
Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!
I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:
-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)
Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
-------------------------------***********-------------------------------
It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.
Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!
I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:
-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)
Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
-------------------------------***********-------------------------------
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Love Goa... Hate the Goans
Can I be a casteist?
Well... I claim to be anti-racist/ casteist and all the speil... but here i am pissed out of my wits at this freaking community... coz they just do sooo much justice to all the cliches which exist in their name!!!
Gawd!!!
No... i'm not talking about Bengalis :P
I'm talking about Goans!!!Well... u may be surprised ... even in post traumatic shock... that i should have anything against a communiaty so 'gay' ( pun intended)
Well... here's how the story goes:
I'm in the process of booking a holiday in Feb to Goa. So i discover this
So i call up the Resort... and this dumbass goan picks up-
Me: Need to book a room for 2 from x to y dates
DA( Dumbass): huh? What are the dates?
Me: xxxxxxx to yyyyyyyyy
DA: hmm... lemme see... yes they are available
Me: what's the cost?
DA: Rs 5500
Me: and the discount?
DA: Ok... i'll give it to you for Rs. 4400
Me: Ok... Rs 4400 * 4 nights= Rs.17600... ya? and your website says there's a package on 3 nights and 4 days for Rs.17,500... so u'll give it to me for the same price and an extra day??
DA ( confused): eeerrr... can i call u back in an hour?
Me: ok... ( dumbass!)
No call and 1 day later... i call again.. Dumbass II answers the phone this time
Me: Well... i called yesterday asking for xyz details... noone called me back... can u tell me at what price r u willing to give me a deal for 4 NIGHTS AND 5 DAYS????????
DA II: huh?uh..? can i call u back in 1 hour?
Me: ok.... (DUMBASS!!)
No call and 1 hour later i call agin... and noone picks up the phone... FROM 11AM TO 4PM... EVERY ONE HOUR... AND NO FREAKING ASSHOLIC GOAN JERK PICKS UP THE PHONE!!
i go to the website... and guess what i find... the rates for the 3 nights and 4 days package which were Rs.17,500 until last night have been upped to Rs.19990...
LAZY DUMB SLIMY ASSHOLES!!!
and then there is a war against being biased towards ANY freaking community! these no-good shitheads deserve the racism man!
Well... I claim to be anti-racist/ casteist and all the speil... but here i am pissed out of my wits at this freaking community... coz they just do sooo much justice to all the cliches which exist in their name!!!
Gawd!!!
No... i'm not talking about Bengalis :P
I'm talking about Goans!!!Well... u may be surprised ... even in post traumatic shock... that i should have anything against a communiaty so 'gay' ( pun intended)
Well... here's how the story goes:
I'm in the process of booking a holiday in Feb to Goa. So i discover this
So i call up the Resort... and this dumbass goan picks up-
Me: Need to book a room for 2 from x to y dates
DA( Dumbass): huh? What are the dates?
Me: xxxxxxx to yyyyyyyyy
DA: hmm... lemme see... yes they are available
Me: what's the cost?
DA: Rs 5500
Me: and the discount?
DA: Ok... i'll give it to you for Rs. 4400
Me: Ok... Rs 4400 * 4 nights= Rs.17600... ya? and your website says there's a package on 3 nights and 4 days for Rs.17,500... so u'll give it to me for the same price and an extra day??
DA ( confused): eeerrr... can i call u back in an hour?
Me: ok... ( dumbass!)
No call and 1 day later... i call again.. Dumbass II answers the phone this time
Me: Well... i called yesterday asking for xyz details... noone called me back... can u tell me at what price r u willing to give me a deal for 4 NIGHTS AND 5 DAYS????????
DA II: huh?uh..? can i call u back in 1 hour?
Me: ok.... (DUMBASS!!)
No call and 1 hour later i call agin... and noone picks up the phone... FROM 11AM TO 4PM... EVERY ONE HOUR... AND NO FREAKING ASSHOLIC GOAN JERK PICKS UP THE PHONE!!
i go to the website... and guess what i find... the rates for the 3 nights and 4 days package which were Rs.17,500 until last night have been upped to Rs.19990...
LAZY DUMB SLIMY ASSHOLES!!!
and then there is a war against being biased towards ANY freaking community! these no-good shitheads deserve the racism man!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Coupling
Its Friday evening and i'm doing the 'couple thing' ... AGAIN!
Have been cordially invited to the house of another 'couple' for a 'Pasta party'... How Marvelous!!
This 'coupleish' act has been going on for approximately 8 months now ( The 'happiest-day-of-my-life' day was in April)
We eat together, sleep together, breathe together... How utterly totally completely disgustingly romantic!!
Have been cordially invited to the house of another 'couple' for a 'Pasta party'... How Marvelous!!
This 'coupleish' act has been going on for approximately 8 months now ( The 'happiest-day-of-my-life' day was in April)
We eat together, sleep together, breathe together... How utterly totally completely disgustingly romantic!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Overworking the head
So...
A few developments in the head:
- the 'motherly instincts' have woken up... suddenly and with a vengeance... everyone around me seems to be popping babies... and if not.. they're nursing 1 or 2 year olds... i goto a mall and i see kids... i go for a walk i see toddlers... i close my eyes and i see babies. What the hell?!!!
the reason this development is driving me up the wall is becoz, i know that having kids at this point in time is probably the worst idea i can come up with.
Not even been married for a year, and i'm thinking the family way! considering stability in marriage has not come....inspite of all the time spent... i have to make the wiser decision of waiting.
- Talking about the missing stability in marriage :
Well... the link is slowly disappearing... and we are becoming strangers to each other even as i write this. 8 painful months and now we've reached that point when a fight means zero communication for the next 2 days. and even if there is some conversation in the middle... its usually an attempt to bite each other's head off. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and after the last episode it has slowly disappeared all together.
Random thoughts keep coming and going... ideas of how to escape. Useless, defunct, unimplementable ideas... but they help me hang in there... else... there isnt much to dream about in my life at this point, is there
A few developments in the head:
- the 'motherly instincts' have woken up... suddenly and with a vengeance... everyone around me seems to be popping babies... and if not.. they're nursing 1 or 2 year olds... i goto a mall and i see kids... i go for a walk i see toddlers... i close my eyes and i see babies. What the hell?!!!
the reason this development is driving me up the wall is becoz, i know that having kids at this point in time is probably the worst idea i can come up with.
Not even been married for a year, and i'm thinking the family way! considering stability in marriage has not come....inspite of all the time spent... i have to make the wiser decision of waiting.
- Talking about the missing stability in marriage :
Well... the link is slowly disappearing... and we are becoming strangers to each other even as i write this. 8 painful months and now we've reached that point when a fight means zero communication for the next 2 days. and even if there is some conversation in the middle... its usually an attempt to bite each other's head off. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and after the last episode it has slowly disappeared all together.
Random thoughts keep coming and going... ideas of how to escape. Useless, defunct, unimplementable ideas... but they help me hang in there... else... there isnt much to dream about in my life at this point, is there
Waking up to 2009
ok...
here we go... resolutions for 2009... Approximately 14 days late :P
1. will start blogging again...i know i suffer from these bursts of sudden enthusiasm, followed by complete hibernation... however, I shall work on them... and conquer!!!
Am in an exceptionally positive mood this morning...
2. Will make new friends in Mumbai... history to this statement: Moved to Mumbai in April... am feeling lost like how... dont know a soul in this city... is driving me nuts... am a people's person from as long as i can remember, but now am in this fantastic city, without a social circle. So far my attempts at the same have fallen flat on my face:
A) Joining a job: Have joined work... not a soul here exists whom I wantto have a conversation more
that "hi" ... leave alone become bum chums with! How snobbish am i ?? Well... I realise my negatives... but the truth remains... that is how i am... and i have accepted myself
B)Joined weird ' meet up groups' which dont meet up... or are filled with frustrated men who think a 'meetup' group= to easy women who want to get laid!! It is truly disgusting... isnt it!
3. Will make the marriage work...its gonna be tough... its gonna be hard... but i shall give it my best. even as i type this, i can sense the revolt taking place inside me. My heart is turning, and the the chest is tightening. I dont love him... I wanto to love him... I dont know how... considering that he's nothing but nice to me... I really dont know what I want from a partner. Sometimes, i think i will turn out to be one of those crazy women who get up one morning, meticulously pack their things and disappear... and noone is able to trace them ever again... Like in the movie, 'The Hours' I've already shortlisted the places i'd like to disappear to... definitely Europe... i'll become an illegal immigrant.. and get lost in the Spanish desert...
Heck no... I have to make this marriage work... coz I chose this.
Thats the resolution for the year, the ' no smoking' resolution I shall postpone to 2010 :)
here we go... resolutions for 2009... Approximately 14 days late :P
1. will start blogging again...i know i suffer from these bursts of sudden enthusiasm, followed by complete hibernation... however, I shall work on them... and conquer!!!
Am in an exceptionally positive mood this morning...
2. Will make new friends in Mumbai... history to this statement: Moved to Mumbai in April... am feeling lost like how... dont know a soul in this city... is driving me nuts... am a people's person from as long as i can remember, but now am in this fantastic city, without a social circle. So far my attempts at the same have fallen flat on my face:
A) Joining a job: Have joined work... not a soul here exists whom I wantto have a conversation more
that "hi" ... leave alone become bum chums with! How snobbish am i ?? Well... I realise my negatives... but the truth remains... that is how i am... and i have accepted myself
B)Joined weird ' meet up groups' which dont meet up... or are filled with frustrated men who think a 'meetup' group= to easy women who want to get laid!! It is truly disgusting... isnt it!
3. Will make the marriage work...its gonna be tough... its gonna be hard... but i shall give it my best. even as i type this, i can sense the revolt taking place inside me. My heart is turning, and the the chest is tightening. I dont love him... I wanto to love him... I dont know how... considering that he's nothing but nice to me... I really dont know what I want from a partner. Sometimes, i think i will turn out to be one of those crazy women who get up one morning, meticulously pack their things and disappear... and noone is able to trace them ever again... Like in the movie, 'The Hours' I've already shortlisted the places i'd like to disappear to... definitely Europe... i'll become an illegal immigrant.. and get lost in the Spanish desert...
Heck no... I have to make this marriage work... coz I chose this.
Thats the resolution for the year, the ' no smoking' resolution I shall postpone to 2010 :)
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