A Week in Chandi

I just spent a long long week in chandi and am back with a vengence.

things I have put behind me:
a) My past
b) My past
c) My past

So on n so forth.

Being home with family can be quite unnerving at times... however I coped well. Infact the constant bikkering served as a successful distraction for my brooding mind.
I ate n ate n ... lemme see... ate. Mom being typically mom-like, made sure my stomach didnt get any rest and consequently my waist size is an inch broader at the end on my short stint.
Smoked a few here n there... more or less on the low side.
Slept like there's no tom... morning... noon... n night
Tried to make conversation with dad... which I think was partially successful. He can be difficult to talk to to. given my patience level is at an all time low... I dont think I did a very good job. this is a constant regret at the end of every meeting with him. I always feel like going back and undoing all the conversations... just being nicer. but, its just so difficult being nice to him. now... I dont want to justify my behaviour... but he infuriates me... the drinking, smoking and gluttony combined make my heart burn. so I avoid conversation, lest I say something nasty. Consequently the few words which are exchanged are laden with sarcasm both ways. ... neway... next time.

The highlight of the trip has undoubtedly been - Brownie and Mirchi...the two bitches in my life!!

Briefly discribing the 2:
Brownie... sausage dog, brown, eyes which make your heart melt, a bitch with a bark but no bite, hyper active woman...3 year old but never been mated... frustrated to the core... needs sex before she drives herself insane... currently going through an identity crisis- THINKS SHE'S A MAN!
Mirchi...lab ( could be a mix!), eyes like the eery colour which Micheal Jackson had in thriller, however they're decieving. she's a popet... dont think she knows the meaning of the word bark... lazy woman... doesnt want to move her butt even to say hello when you come after a long day out... mother of 'x' amount of pups... been there done that!


So in comes mirchi with her slow swagger... n brownie's getting excited... the little frustrated , pooch cant stop wagging her tail!! There's the bark... which could be mistaken for a 'yooohoo
here comes my woman!'
Brownie's slowly creeping up behind mirchi... the sniffing starts... u guessed it... up the arse!!!
If you thought this is a one off phenomena... well think again! the poor pooch has been at it for nearly 7 days!
On and off attempts at humping mirchi have resulted in disappointment... at the end of it all... brownie is content at sticking with mirchi like a shadow...
Mirchi on the other hand... is likely to develop a slight temper by the end of her stay in chandigarh... i mean how much can u take a chit of a sausage sniffing you / trying to hump you day and night!
for the first time since I met her, have heard mirchi bark. Sad... but true.

However... the two make a formidable pair... and I simply loved watching them play around day and night.

Apart from the their li'l escapades... told mom to start the man hunt again... fruitful or not... I will open my mind n eyes to other men.
At the moment am in the process of trying to justify the concept of arranged marriage to myself. Here are my arguments:
- Meeting the man of ur dreams is a chance... it could be through a friend, off the net, at a party, or with parents in a room. big deal.
- With families being involved the comfort level is greater ( as I have been told by all the propogaters of arranged marriage across the globe)
- Life is a risk... whether its love or arranged... why fret?

So I'm preparing myself for the leap.... although fear is a given... am in the process of making myself more practical, so I can take the reins of my life in my own hands.

I Choose

I choose to be who I am
I choose to be me
I choose to be happy
I choose to move on
I choose to find myself again
I choose to say fuck off
I choose to stop being miserable
I choose to choose
I choose to talk to myself
I choose to stop putting myself through hell
I choose to see the truth which is me
I choose to trust my heart and mind
I choose to forgive him
I choose to make my own decisions
I choose to smile
I choose to accept the turn my life is taking
I choose to realise my worth
I choose to see that I'm beautiful and pure inside
I choose to build my self esteem
I choose to pour my heart out to anyone who wants to listen
I choose to scream out all the dirt inside
I choose to create my own space
I choose to be free
I choose to love again
I choose to open my eyes
I choose to think rationally
I choose to understand my capabilities and limitations
I choose to accept myself with my weaknesses
I choose to take the reins of my life in my own hands
I choose to take responsibity for the things I did wrong the ones I didnt
I choose to see that I'm good


I choose not to be angry
I choose not to mope
I choose not to hate him
I choose not to cry over spilled milk
I choose not to think I'm a failure
I choose not to think that this is the end of the world
I choose not to be trampled upon
I choose not to be pushed around
I choose not to argue when I cant prove anything
I choose not to bang my head against a wall
I choose not to hate myself
I choose not to feel lost and helpless
I choose not to feel guilty about my existence

I choose not to choose him
I choose to live

Finding Myself

Thought of penning down my deliberations. Maybe write a poem. Express some.
Mind doesnt seem to be cooperating in the act.
So figured I'd just rattle out a few random thoughts I've been having since day before.

Post break up, have been oscillating between numbness and jubiliation.
Numbness, I expected. Jubilation, I didnt.

I'd be inhuman if I said I dont miss the man... the good times. But its just that they were soooo long back.
If I were to sum up the relationship, I'd say It's been divided into 2 parts:
1) Before the fiasco in UK
2) After the fiasco in UK

Now, dont ask me what the fiasco in UK was... coz it was tooo utterly, totally, completely excruciatingly painful for me to recount all over again.
In brief it was a lot of questioning and doubting by him and a lot of explaining and justifying by me.

Ive tried long and hard to work things out in the last 2 years. I've failed miserably.
Or maybe not.
And here's where the jubilation enters.
Ive been so so so lost...somewhere in the quagmire of arguments...justifications and explanations.
n now I'm finally ready to move on... to find myself again... my own opinion... my own laugh... my own thoughts... my own heart and mind.

Everyone I know, meet, speak to, am friends with, has only two things to say -
"You're going to go back to him."
"We've seen this before"

I dont have any answers to that. I dont want to answer anyone anymore. no more explanations to ANYONE.

All I plan to focus my energies on, is on building and moulding my personality again. I want to love myself again. To start seeing myself through my eyes and not someone else's. To just be...and be happy in just being. Do whatever I want to do and have only myself judging my every action.

Do I think I'll get back with the man? A part of me craves for the past, but the more sensible, experienced side says it's never going to work, so get your act together and move on with your life.

Its amazing how every break up, every heart break, every disappointment leaves one in a state of limbo.
But when one gets out of that state, it all falls into place and you see clearly how it was never meant to be...anyway.

Therefore, am waiting to get out of that limbo.

Amongst the first things I did to hasten the process was message anyone and everyone I could remember who had crossed my path at any point in life.
It felt good.... to interact with old friends. Maybe they were'nt as close as they had once been, but the idea was to talk to people and NOT be afraid. NOT be answerable. NOT feel guilty for talking. to feel FREE. To see and understand people for what they are. To NOT judge. to trust MY insticts. To follow my heart.To NOT care. To NOT feel scared/ think/ question every man who said hello to me.

So I went out for a coffee with Kanishka last evening. We talked life, music, movies, symbi, good times. Anything and everything under the sun. and I didnt feel guilty that I was sitting at 11pm at Cafe Coffee Day and chatting.
I got hungry, and we decided to grab a bite at his place.
I thought for 5 min,guilt ridden, " Should I? Should I not?"
n then I felt like crying. What happened to me? I was always scared. that's it. He had intimidated me to such an extent that I had started questioning every single thing I did.
So...
we went and had dal, sabzi, roti at Kanishka's place... listened to the blues and flipped thru award winning ads. Had a few laughs and then he dropped me home.

It was so simple. uncomplicated. pure. innocent...It was so me.

Warning Sign

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in,
Ive gotta tell you what a state Im in
Ive gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so