Finding Myself

Thought of penning down my deliberations. Maybe write a poem. Express some.
Mind doesnt seem to be cooperating in the act.
So figured I'd just rattle out a few random thoughts I've been having since day before.

Post break up, have been oscillating between numbness and jubiliation.
Numbness, I expected. Jubilation, I didnt.

I'd be inhuman if I said I dont miss the man... the good times. But its just that they were soooo long back.
If I were to sum up the relationship, I'd say It's been divided into 2 parts:
1) Before the fiasco in UK
2) After the fiasco in UK

Now, dont ask me what the fiasco in UK was... coz it was tooo utterly, totally, completely excruciatingly painful for me to recount all over again.
In brief it was a lot of questioning and doubting by him and a lot of explaining and justifying by me.

Ive tried long and hard to work things out in the last 2 years. I've failed miserably.
Or maybe not.
And here's where the jubilation enters.
Ive been so so so lost...somewhere in the quagmire of arguments...justifications and explanations.
n now I'm finally ready to move on... to find myself again... my own opinion... my own laugh... my own thoughts... my own heart and mind.

Everyone I know, meet, speak to, am friends with, has only two things to say -
"You're going to go back to him."
"We've seen this before"

I dont have any answers to that. I dont want to answer anyone anymore. no more explanations to ANYONE.

All I plan to focus my energies on, is on building and moulding my personality again. I want to love myself again. To start seeing myself through my eyes and not someone else's. To just be...and be happy in just being. Do whatever I want to do and have only myself judging my every action.

Do I think I'll get back with the man? A part of me craves for the past, but the more sensible, experienced side says it's never going to work, so get your act together and move on with your life.

Its amazing how every break up, every heart break, every disappointment leaves one in a state of limbo.
But when one gets out of that state, it all falls into place and you see clearly how it was never meant to be...anyway.

Therefore, am waiting to get out of that limbo.

Amongst the first things I did to hasten the process was message anyone and everyone I could remember who had crossed my path at any point in life.
It felt good.... to interact with old friends. Maybe they were'nt as close as they had once been, but the idea was to talk to people and NOT be afraid. NOT be answerable. NOT feel guilty for talking. to feel FREE. To see and understand people for what they are. To NOT judge. to trust MY insticts. To follow my heart.To NOT care. To NOT feel scared/ think/ question every man who said hello to me.

So I went out for a coffee with Kanishka last evening. We talked life, music, movies, symbi, good times. Anything and everything under the sun. and I didnt feel guilty that I was sitting at 11pm at Cafe Coffee Day and chatting.
I got hungry, and we decided to grab a bite at his place.
I thought for 5 min,guilt ridden, " Should I? Should I not?"
n then I felt like crying. What happened to me? I was always scared. that's it. He had intimidated me to such an extent that I had started questioning every single thing I did.
So...
we went and had dal, sabzi, roti at Kanishka's place... listened to the blues and flipped thru award winning ads. Had a few laughs and then he dropped me home.

It was so simple. uncomplicated. pure. innocent...It was so me.