The Marathon

We've been saying for 2 days that we'll meet and talk.
So we finally meet and talk.
Ive been practicing this for days. Im confident, determined and focused.
Ive made the choice and its all very clear in my head- Either take a stand for me or else its over.
Ive replayed the dialogues in my head over and over again.
...I'm prepared.... I think.

He enters... sits on the dining table. Its like a mini conference. The air is thick with tension ( I didnt know what that meant until I experienced it)

Him- " So what do you want to talk about?"
Me- " About us. where this is going etc. You made a lot of promises, and you havent stood by them"
Him-" Have you stood by your promises?"
Me-"Huh?"
Him- " When was the last time you were in touch with Nilesh?"

A hot flush took over me. Without doing anything wrong, I felt guilty.

Do I feel for Nilesh? No, I dont. Do I want to be in touch with him? ... No, but at some level, maybe. But if I wasnt in touch with him, it wouldnt kill me, I know!!
Although we were seeing each other for barely 8 months, I resepected the guy... liked him. n 5 years down the lane, I can't even imagine having any romantic illusions about him.
So... why the hot flush? the guilt?

Anyway...I replied, " He messaged me on orkut. I told you about it"
Him- " Did you reply"
Me- " I didnt reply to the Ist msg, But ya, replied later"
Him- " Why didnt you tell me"
Me ( guilty)- " I was pissed with you"
Him- " Hello? Next time I'm pissed with you, maybe I'll go and fuck someone. How'd you like that?"

By now, my nerves were rattling inside my system. In my head, I was screaming, on the face I was silent. I didnt know what to say... how to explain. Why couldn't he see that he was pushing me against the wall and battering my heart blue, for a ghost called nilesh, who didn't even matter.
I've always been a fool in love and here was when I should have asked him to leave. To get out of my life. but what did I do instead?

I cried, begged and pleaded with him to forgive me. All the effort of the last 1 year, washed out, by a 'Happy New Year' message on Orkut?? And even if I did msg and not tell him, was it the end of the world? Was this all our relationship was worth?

After 5 years, he questions my person. My character. My love. and I proove, and I proove, and I justify, and I justify. and I try and I try to make him see that I'm committed.
But he tells me, " you dont know the meaning of the word commitment. When you get fucked in the arse the way I have been, you'll know"

I have tried over and over again in the last 2 years to make the man see that this is me and I am his, but he's blinded by his own demons. According to him, created by me. My lies, hidden secrets etc.
Did I hide things from him? yes I did.Intentionally?No. With shrewd intentions? No. Did I feel I was a liar? No, I didnt. .. you might ask me why. Because there are things worth talking about and there are things which are not. n the things which I didnt tell him about meant nothing to me.

I would like very much to scream on top of my lungs... or shake the hell out of him... or somehow make him see that he's all that has ever mattered to me. But I cant.Noone can... but him.

After the 4 hr long marathon, I was blank and mentally exhausted.
Marriage was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I didnt have a mind anymore. My head was filled with emotions like guilt, shame, regret, sadness and a longing.
Longing for the person I had loved, who had known that I was crazy about him. The man who trusted his instincts and heart more than he trusted his mind.
Here was S, still the handsome 27 year old who made my heart skip a beat with his half smile. But there was something amiss. Not only did he not trust me... but he didnt trust his own instincts either.

So today morning I wake up thinking ... Ive been begging and pleading with a man who doesnt even think I'm committed enough.

I decide to take the leap.

The mental torture of the last 2 years re emerges. I'm numb and bleeding. I want to be angry at him, but I can't. All I experience is exhaustion. I'm spent.

I call him and he sounds so sweet in the mornings. My heart melts and resolution wavers.
And then we speak.

Me-" I want to talk to you"
Him (smiling)- " ya. Tell me"
Me- " Ive spent the entire evening crying over you, when you dont even think I'm committed enough"
Him (stone cold)- " So you met your friends and they obviously influenced you again"
Me- " This is not about anyone. This is about me"
Him- " So you didnt talk about us to your friends last evening?"
Me- " I did."
Him- " what did you say?"
Me- " That it's the same."
Him- " that's where you're wrong. Its not the same. your friends have not been lying to their bf like you have been"

My melting heart freezes. The scream explodes in my head again.
I'M NOT A FUCKING LIAR !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CHEAT !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CONIVING BITCH OUT TO FUCK YOU IN THE ARSE !!
I had called him with a purpose in mind n whatever weakness I feel disappears with that one line.
"So, what's the bottom line?" He says in an exhasperated tone... fed up, as though I am intruding upon his precious time
" I want to break up", I say
" Ok. bye" Click...and the line goes dead.

Drunken Conversations Can be Revealing

I went for Mahima's wedding cocktail last evening... fun.
A few drinks and good music loosened me out a bit and I decided to call S.

In a voice which can only be described as ' not high yet, but getting there', I professed my undying love for the man and emphasized on the fact that I belong to him- thoroughly, sincerely, whole heartedly etc. etc. etc.
The other man... he means nothing.... Nobody means anything.... only he means something !

The reaction was, as usual, a calm, composed voice asking me how many 'cocktails' had I had ( I mean does the man even know that there's a word in the dictionary called Romance?!). Anyway, from nothing-affects-me mode, he moved on to Im-the -reason-they-invented-the-word-ice mode. He quietly heard me out...endless sniffles being the only sign of his existence on the other end.
He's unwell you see. No, no, nothing too serious. Just the regular cold-cough- fever thing. I almost felt myself imposing on the time chalked out for blowing his nose! But that wasnt going to stop me, was it?!! Nononononono.. I needed the reaction. A REACTION. ANY REACTION!
And good as I am at getting things what I want, after much coaxing I heard him mutter, " I dont want to be with anyone else but you, either!"
Yippyyyyyy ! My evening was made... infact... my life was made.

Thats it?
One line the guy says and Im jumping out of my skin?
Is that all I'm worth? All I'm about?

Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Its a brand new day n I feel like Im still in yesterday.
After the tortorous ordeal I've put myself through last evening, of dissecting my very existence, I should ideally be in a position to get my act together and move on wid my life.
But am I in that position??
No, I dont think so.

My conversation with Su revealed the foll:
- Im depressed
- I enjoy pain ( could be a sadist in the making, unless have already achieved that feat1 )
- I am currently NOT living my life but waiting for others (S in particular) to give my life some headstart
- I cannot grab happiness even if its screaming in my face

We parted ways with me in a 'do or die' mood. I was going to go home, pick up the phone and call the man. End it.

There I am- Calm, composed and with a mission. Not to mention my flapping heart which Im desperately trying to ignore.

line of the evening- get ure act together. He's not really interested in marrying you, so just move on.

finally Im home. I pick up the phone and dial the number. No answer. Ok... so he might be sleeping/ in the loo/ talking to folks/ mad at me....mad at me?? Why?

Call again after an hour. No answer.Ok... now he's definitely mad at me.

So I deduce, Im suffering from an inferiority complex as well. Here's a guy Ive been seeing for almost 5 years, of which last 2 have shaken me up to the bones. My self esteem is at its lowest. I think Ive almost lost my smile ( what's left is this self-pitying, sardonic expression, which can be called kicking a smile in the arse). n then I go ahead and contemplate the unlikely proposition of his being mad at me????!!!
Why?

I tell myself repeatedly for the next 1/2 hr- I want out. I want out. I want OUT!

I watch TV for a while. Something called ' Perfect Match' on Discovery Travel and Living gets me hooked. Here's this (very) pretty girl who's being wooed by 3 men, n she's gotto choose which one she's going to go out with.

I mean why do these things happen :
a) only on TV
b) only to (very) pretty girls.

That is not to say that I think Im bad looking. Uh huh.. no ways, sir.
I think Im above average for sure. But lately am beginning to notice the age catching up. Im 26 (she was 24). I have (had) pretty eyes( which seem perpetually puffy now!). I have a million dollar smile ( according to my mom), I have a good figure ( which Im struggling to maintain!). What more can I ask for?

So, after the show, I turn off the TV and put on nail paint as an ego booster. Before which, I make a few observations:
- I need a haircut
- I need to shop for new clothes

I NEED A MAKEOVER !!!

So... tom ( that's today) is supposed be the beginning of the rest of my life.
N somehow I dont think Im getting in the right frame of mind to really start it.

Would you call it a bad day?

So...
Have this queasy butterflyish feeling in my stomach since morning. Think Im breaking into a rash on my chin. My eyes feel puffy. Need a haircut. Acne has destroyed any existence of skin on my face. My boss is in town. My appraisal's happening today. My bf doesnt want to marry me. Am meeting a stranger from shaadi.com in an hour.

All of the above have succeeded in creating a havoc in my upper floor today. Have desperately been trying to quit smoking, but at this point I want nothing more than one slow, long drag to calm me down.

There might be a few reasons which I feel are the root cause of all this:

Have lately developed a phobia about my eyes. Think people dont look at my face, they look at the under eye puffyness.

Not to mention the pimples which are exploding at the seams. Man, they can give one a complex.

S is driving me crazy as well. Im almost back to the way I was obsessing about him in UK. all I think about is how the man's betrayed me, how crappy the relationship is. How Im being taken advantage of.... n yet Im unable to get out of it. He's not called today,n its driving me nuts.

Its bad... bad ... bad day..??