The Marathon

We've been saying for 2 days that we'll meet and talk.
So we finally meet and talk.
Ive been practicing this for days. Im confident, determined and focused.
Ive made the choice and its all very clear in my head- Either take a stand for me or else its over.
Ive replayed the dialogues in my head over and over again.
...I'm prepared.... I think.

He enters... sits on the dining table. Its like a mini conference. The air is thick with tension ( I didnt know what that meant until I experienced it)

Him- " So what do you want to talk about?"
Me- " About us. where this is going etc. You made a lot of promises, and you havent stood by them"
Him-" Have you stood by your promises?"
Me-"Huh?"
Him- " When was the last time you were in touch with Nilesh?"

A hot flush took over me. Without doing anything wrong, I felt guilty.

Do I feel for Nilesh? No, I dont. Do I want to be in touch with him? ... No, but at some level, maybe. But if I wasnt in touch with him, it wouldnt kill me, I know!!
Although we were seeing each other for barely 8 months, I resepected the guy... liked him. n 5 years down the lane, I can't even imagine having any romantic illusions about him.
So... why the hot flush? the guilt?

Anyway...I replied, " He messaged me on orkut. I told you about it"
Him- " Did you reply"
Me- " I didnt reply to the Ist msg, But ya, replied later"
Him- " Why didnt you tell me"
Me ( guilty)- " I was pissed with you"
Him- " Hello? Next time I'm pissed with you, maybe I'll go and fuck someone. How'd you like that?"

By now, my nerves were rattling inside my system. In my head, I was screaming, on the face I was silent. I didnt know what to say... how to explain. Why couldn't he see that he was pushing me against the wall and battering my heart blue, for a ghost called nilesh, who didn't even matter.
I've always been a fool in love and here was when I should have asked him to leave. To get out of my life. but what did I do instead?

I cried, begged and pleaded with him to forgive me. All the effort of the last 1 year, washed out, by a 'Happy New Year' message on Orkut?? And even if I did msg and not tell him, was it the end of the world? Was this all our relationship was worth?

After 5 years, he questions my person. My character. My love. and I proove, and I proove, and I justify, and I justify. and I try and I try to make him see that I'm committed.
But he tells me, " you dont know the meaning of the word commitment. When you get fucked in the arse the way I have been, you'll know"

I have tried over and over again in the last 2 years to make the man see that this is me and I am his, but he's blinded by his own demons. According to him, created by me. My lies, hidden secrets etc.
Did I hide things from him? yes I did.Intentionally?No. With shrewd intentions? No. Did I feel I was a liar? No, I didnt. .. you might ask me why. Because there are things worth talking about and there are things which are not. n the things which I didnt tell him about meant nothing to me.

I would like very much to scream on top of my lungs... or shake the hell out of him... or somehow make him see that he's all that has ever mattered to me. But I cant.Noone can... but him.

After the 4 hr long marathon, I was blank and mentally exhausted.
Marriage was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I didnt have a mind anymore. My head was filled with emotions like guilt, shame, regret, sadness and a longing.
Longing for the person I had loved, who had known that I was crazy about him. The man who trusted his instincts and heart more than he trusted his mind.
Here was S, still the handsome 27 year old who made my heart skip a beat with his half smile. But there was something amiss. Not only did he not trust me... but he didnt trust his own instincts either.

So today morning I wake up thinking ... Ive been begging and pleading with a man who doesnt even think I'm committed enough.

I decide to take the leap.

The mental torture of the last 2 years re emerges. I'm numb and bleeding. I want to be angry at him, but I can't. All I experience is exhaustion. I'm spent.

I call him and he sounds so sweet in the mornings. My heart melts and resolution wavers.
And then we speak.

Me-" I want to talk to you"
Him (smiling)- " ya. Tell me"
Me- " Ive spent the entire evening crying over you, when you dont even think I'm committed enough"
Him (stone cold)- " So you met your friends and they obviously influenced you again"
Me- " This is not about anyone. This is about me"
Him- " So you didnt talk about us to your friends last evening?"
Me- " I did."
Him- " what did you say?"
Me- " That it's the same."
Him- " that's where you're wrong. Its not the same. your friends have not been lying to their bf like you have been"

My melting heart freezes. The scream explodes in my head again.
I'M NOT A FUCKING LIAR !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CHEAT !! I'M NOT. I'M NOT. I'M NOT.
I'M NOT A FUCKING CONIVING BITCH OUT TO FUCK YOU IN THE ARSE !!
I had called him with a purpose in mind n whatever weakness I feel disappears with that one line.
"So, what's the bottom line?" He says in an exhasperated tone... fed up, as though I am intruding upon his precious time
" I want to break up", I say
" Ok. bye" Click...and the line goes dead.