Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Its a brand new day n I feel like Im still in yesterday.
After the tortorous ordeal I've put myself through last evening, of dissecting my very existence, I should ideally be in a position to get my act together and move on wid my life.
But am I in that position??
No, I dont think so.

My conversation with Su revealed the foll:
- Im depressed
- I enjoy pain ( could be a sadist in the making, unless have already achieved that feat1 )
- I am currently NOT living my life but waiting for others (S in particular) to give my life some headstart
- I cannot grab happiness even if its screaming in my face

We parted ways with me in a 'do or die' mood. I was going to go home, pick up the phone and call the man. End it.

There I am- Calm, composed and with a mission. Not to mention my flapping heart which Im desperately trying to ignore.

line of the evening- get ure act together. He's not really interested in marrying you, so just move on.

finally Im home. I pick up the phone and dial the number. No answer. Ok... so he might be sleeping/ in the loo/ talking to folks/ mad at me....mad at me?? Why?

Call again after an hour. No answer.Ok... now he's definitely mad at me.

So I deduce, Im suffering from an inferiority complex as well. Here's a guy Ive been seeing for almost 5 years, of which last 2 have shaken me up to the bones. My self esteem is at its lowest. I think Ive almost lost my smile ( what's left is this self-pitying, sardonic expression, which can be called kicking a smile in the arse). n then I go ahead and contemplate the unlikely proposition of his being mad at me????!!!
Why?

I tell myself repeatedly for the next 1/2 hr- I want out. I want out. I want OUT!

I watch TV for a while. Something called ' Perfect Match' on Discovery Travel and Living gets me hooked. Here's this (very) pretty girl who's being wooed by 3 men, n she's gotto choose which one she's going to go out with.

I mean why do these things happen :
a) only on TV
b) only to (very) pretty girls.

That is not to say that I think Im bad looking. Uh huh.. no ways, sir.
I think Im above average for sure. But lately am beginning to notice the age catching up. Im 26 (she was 24). I have (had) pretty eyes( which seem perpetually puffy now!). I have a million dollar smile ( according to my mom), I have a good figure ( which Im struggling to maintain!). What more can I ask for?

So, after the show, I turn off the TV and put on nail paint as an ego booster. Before which, I make a few observations:
- I need a haircut
- I need to shop for new clothes

I NEED A MAKEOVER !!!

So... tom ( that's today) is supposed be the beginning of the rest of my life.
N somehow I dont think Im getting in the right frame of mind to really start it.