The pleasure I get from competing troubles me sometimes. There are things about myself which I still cant seem to fathom...the irritation which hits me in the middle of my eyes every time I realise things aren't going exactly how they should be ... when I'm not on top of the game.
we've been competing since childhood, havent we? trying to win the rat race... trying to earn that extra buck... trying to get the best scores... trying to be the one to reckon with... trying to be IT ALL...
2 incidents come to mind when I think of what competitive sport... or competition per se means to me:
1) Am in the process of trying to master the spanish language... am nowhere close! started learning a month and a half ago... muy bien!! So there i am mugging the vocabulary to the core... trying to understand the difference between ' ER' verbs and ' AR' verbs... reflexive versis regular verbs... and it is slowly driving me insane... but then again, i need to be on top of things... so i struggle and I cry and I prepare for the mid-term exam.
Hubby sees my enthusiasm... gets into the groove himself... takes a day off work, so he can study just as much... i study harder, seeing him pacing up and down the room and mugging away.
We head towards the exam centre... i'm still flipping through my books in the car... we sit one seat apart... the examination begins..... tic toc tic toc... and i'm frantically churning out all the vocabulary i can come up with... it is but complicated...
He peeps into my paper once... twice... thrice... and i let him cheat from me... coz that's what we did in school and college... that was almost the norm ... wasnt it? u dont hide ure answers from a friend in need... especially if he's ure hubby, ya?!
i submit my paper... and he submits his... the profesora says she'll check the papers then and there... Sure... why not? i wait...hanging on to every mark which i get, as i watch her check my paper.... finally... vocab+ comprehension= 69/75.... WOW!!!! thats not bad at all for a start! am thrilled...
she begins checking hubby's paper... i'm holding onto every mark... i know inspite of myself i WANT to score better than him... I studied harder than him, for christ sake!!! ... vocab+ comprehension= 71.5/75... he's gloating... he's crossed the '70 mark' ... he's showing off!!!
I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!! I control myself, gather my things and we head home... am in constant conversation with myself, and none with him... he cannot fathom my behaviour... i know i'm being unreasonable... am sulking.... non stop... and yet there are tears pricking me at the back of my eyes... and i want to hit him for cheating from me and then going and scoring better than me... and i go on to ruin the day by being cold and mean ... but i cannot bring myself to tell him why... i cannot bring myself to admit that i was feeling like shit because of 1 1/2 mark!!! ....and i'm a child again...
2) We play badminton on weekends... it was my idea... i know i'm a better player than him... have been playing longer.... practicing harder and simply know the tactics of the game... it's been 4 weeks since we started playing, and invariably i win.... but somewhere along the way, he's figured out my game... he knows where i'll hit, he can counter the drop shots and the smashes... and he knows where to hit, where i wont be able to reach the shuttle. I cheat. i dont deny it... but so does he... there is no net... there are no boundaries... we play in the backyard... and so the game is rough... unfair...and simply rude. Today he won the first game... I, the second... him the third... I, the fourth....BUT... i didnt start out well... I lost the first game... and that was all that was needed to get me fuming... i started hitting all over the court... i deliberately made him run... hit the shuttle in corners which were unfair...and even though we were even at the end of the game... i was feeling like shit... why? because i played unfair... because i knew that somehow my victory was hollow... the games i'd won, were not mine to begin...
so i lashed out at him... coz that's what people do... when u know that u've wronged, all ure defenses stand up... and i told him that today's was a crappy game, and he played badly. Did he expect the shuttle to fall into his lap? wasnt a game meant that he needed to move around in court? what the hell was he doing... blah... blah... blah....
And THEN I say i'm competitive....
I just realised ... i'm a sore loser... and i think almost 90% of us are... it just takes a lot of heart to end the game with a smile on ure face... I feel like shit
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