Her Random Thoughts

Wanna write... say so many things. How do I frame my sentences? How should I word myself so that you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
Is there a word beyond relatability or empathy, which will be able to make you see how I feel this very second?

listening to Sheryl Crow interspersed with Tori Amos. Mismatched moods... disjointed thoughts... consequently am jumping from one plane to another within my own mind space.

................................................................

She was on her way to meet mom. Somewhat detatched from all the happenings around her. She crossed the road in a dream and reached Mcdonalds. Thats where they were to meet for lunch.
Pleasant conversations interspersed with hints.... Men.... a Man.... Mr 23?!
The conversation slowly turned ugly. Sharpness in the voice.

The table behind her had people from work. She was embarassed of the scene which was in the making. She wanted to disappear.... ironically .... into her mom's arms somewhere.
She didnt mind the argument in itself... she had already left it behind her.
She watched herself talk from in between the folds of her mom's salwar. She smiled at her own incredulous words. She was still a child at 26, and mom was the only person with whom she could be her true self.
She was nasty... mean... to the person whom she could die for. Coz she knew she'd be forgiven. She always had been.
She cursed the Men... the Man. she cursed family, friends...mom...dad.
And when emotion ran dry, she tried indifference. It all worked ...tears stung mom's eyes...coz mom didnt know that she was just a pawn... in a game created by her over imaginative heartless daughter.

Lunch ended. She got up to head back towards work. The atmosphere was sapped of energy. With tired expressions they parted ways.

As she walked towards the road, she felt guilty. She always felt guilty. She always did this and then felt guilty. Always realising later that there was she and only she doing the talking... and it had all been real... not a dream. She was not hiding in mom's lap. She was real. The argument was real. Mom was real. Every emotion was real. Life was real. Life was unfair. Life should'nt be like this. Life cannot be so unfair. She had done nothing to loose herself to her thoughts. She had done nothing to live a double life within herself. She did nothing. Then why?

She watched the traffic speed past. she saw herself walk through it.. not dodge it... but walk through it. She saw herself hit by a red truck with an angry face. She saw herself lying soaked in blood... relieved.

Redlight. She crossed over and reached her destination. She met him. She narrated the details of the meeting.

She saw his face fall. She did nothing.

Once again, she had broken his heart in cold blood. She did it on a daily basis. Had become a natural at it!

Somewhere, she also wanted to hug him and tell him she's sorry for being cruel. She was sorry for all the pain. She was sorry for becoming the person she had become.
Every ounce of emotion squeezed out.

From a distance, she saw herself holding him, crying, with him.

But standing there, she did nothing. No tears came. She felt nothing... coz she wasnt there. She had disappeared... somewhere in her mom's salwar... or in the screaming traffic.
She had been leading a life which didnt belong to her in the first place, so how could she give it to him?

'If Only's' went through her head. In a different time, in a different space, when she was a different she... things would have been different.

If only she really existed.