Rambling Thoughts

Two posts in one day...
must be pretty zonked today.

Tried to concentrate on work... managed it.... but my thoughts were constantly interspersed with flights of imagination.

Had my ipod glued to my ears... I like it that way. The music hasnt really helped me calm down, instead... only contributed to this out of body experience which Ive been having lately.
I changed the music yesterday... and have somehow managed to put music which resonates with my thoughts.

So instead of lifting my spirits, it put me in more of a contemplative mood.

I like it somehow.

I'm one of those people who like to dwell in their misery. Irony of it all- I have nothing to be miserable about.

For days on an end, have been trying to pin point what the problem is... but this sense of loss just doesnt seem to leave me.

Mr. 23 has been a support... but my heart tells me it's not enough. I would like to communicate about my feelings to him, but am unable to. He reads my face... sends me messages asking what wrong... and yet, not a word comes out of my mouth.
How do I explain to the man, that I'm lost. I'm not aware of myself or my surroundings? that I'm doing things the way they should be done...but my spirit is missing.

He tries to touch my heart... at some level, he manages. But the emotions comes and go. It's not fair to him or to myself. But I'm losing control of my body and mind.

I type these empty words... hoping I'm making some sense to anyone who's reading them. I'm unable to relate to you, stranger. I'm not in a happy place right now... and havent been in that happy place for a while now.

What do u do when u've lost the capacity to respond. When ure unable to decipher the difference between two emotions. am I depressed? Am I in mourning? Am I living in uncertainty? What am I searching for?

I apologize for the endless rambling... but ure my only outlet.
Maybe somewhere someone understands what I'm saying... has gone through the same and understood what this is.

Coz it's not normal.... that's for sure.

The question being, what is? am I the only sham in town? Are there others? Is everyone a sham?

I need something... what? I dunno.

I get up feeling tired every morning from the nightmares. I go through the motions of the day, because I know I have to... I havent jeopardised my job... or anything else which is of any valuse in my life.

Then.......WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???