Tabula Rasa

I went to Tabula Rasa.
Inspite of all the apprehension... I made sure I was there... to hear the music!!

(How I lie to myself is not funny. I do it on a daily basis. Its disgusting)

I met him there. I knew I would. The minute I stepped in, my searching eyes spotted him.
He came up to me and spoke... was nice, in a polite sort of way. An obligation of a conversation. Death of a conversation. We went to separate corners and pretended to enjoy the music ( at least I was pretending)
I was shaky. Kept looking left and right. Friend told me to stop behaving like that, to look composed, like I couldn't care less. I tried. But I was obviously not doing a good job of it.
Had 2 more beers, mustered up some guts and said hello again. After 2 mins of cordial, 'How've u been?'... the beer started telling in my tone. Weird questions started emerging from nowhere and found my voice to express themselves.
'So, seeing someone now?'
'Who's the 'bitch ure with?' ( yes... I said that!Post which nose-dived into 'I hate all the bitches who lay eyes on you' tangent for 15 min...also went to the extent of saying that I would like to sock the bitch with you at that moment. I'm the bitch here.)
'U thought u could experiment with me some more ya?'


This was just a tiny peep into my endless list of fucked-up-questions-which-should-never-have been-thought-leave-alone-asked!!!

I'm so embarrassed and disappointed with myself. Like I didn't hate myself enough, I had to go and prove to him that...YES SIR! I AM WEAK. I AM NOT TAKING THIS WELL. I AM CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED.... IN SIMPLE WORDS... I'M FULL OF SHIT ANYWAY, SO WHY DON'T U SHIT ON ME SOME MORE... STARTING NOW!!

I wanna die.