Home Alone

Shaken... not stirred... beyond repair.
Every side I turn... a wall. I bang my head against it. I hurt. I bleed. And still no opening.
When things happen, and you lose control of them somewhere in the middle, what do you do?
When you wake up one day and realise that you have made a complete mess of your life, what do you do?
When you want to undo, but cant, what do you do?
When there is a thickness in your chest and a blob in your throat all day long, what do you do?
When you're screaming silently through a regular conversation, what do you do?
When you'd like to freefall off a cliff into an endless pit forever, what do you do?
I dont know what to do.
...............................................................................

Home... away from the mess around me. But how do I fight the mess within?
I went to the old man to help me fight. He tried. He failed.
I lay endlessly with my head in ma's lap, the tears soaking her kurta. She stroked my hair to calm me down. Sleep came, suddenly. She sat there for hours. Watching me... maybe praying for her daughter's sanity.
Underwent some therapy through shopping. spending money only gives temporary relief, I've realised.
Rummaged through the miniature library and chanced upon a book called, ' Conversations with the Master' by Satguru Jaggi Vasudev. Whatever. Tried self-help, wasn't in the mood for it. Wanted to let the frustration out.
Sleep evaded me, the restlessness inside taking over my mind and body. Afloat. Underground. Falling. Running against the whirlwind. And the tears didnt stop.
Took a million little minutes out to question them. Where was my centre? Focus. Balance. Lost.

I crave for peace. And it plays with me. I crave for certainty, and it laughs at me.
I've had a headache for days, and now even the head's stopped fighting it.

Is there someone listening?!