I'm 27

I'm not talking to him.


Though... i'd like to. I'd like to talk to him loadz. To laugh with him. To spend time with him. To see that innocent face again and again. To run away somewhere where noone questions... noone objects.

I'm proud of him this time. He's not said a word ( xcept for a few random messages here and there) He's let me be, just like I wanted. His self control is not as good as mine (I think) I've seen him on his knees. Its not a nice sight to see a man on his knees... but then, he's not a man. He's a boy. And I'm not a girl, I'm a woman (I think!). Who's to decide?


He promised to stay away from me and he did it. I'm proud of him.


I'm smoking like a chimney. I'd decided not to smoke on my Birthday. Yes... I turned 27 on the 11th of October. 12 o'clock and no party... no inclination for one either. Random calls which I didnt want to take... of people who cared... people who bothered to stay up till 12 to wish me. And I decided I didnt want to talk to anyone. So i didn't. Life has become so strange, that now caring for other people's emotions has become totally inconsequential. Indifference prevails.


My best friend in the whole world, messaged me Happy B'day... didnt call. That's Ok. Guess we're all going through our own self-created hell.

Spent the day in a meeting. Post which, tried to figure out, where I had pictured myself at 27. Not here. Not like this. I had my life sorted at 20. I'd mapped out the progression- great job, settled and ready to go. Where am I? A job where my boss is a living specimen of the cold-blooded species. A personal life where I fell 'out of love' with the 'love of my life' due to fuckall circumstances. Where I hurt a guy who loved me with a passion, I'm incapable of returning. So I spent the day huddled in a shell. Inconsolable. Longing for something... anything.

Ma calls me almost everyday now. I think she's worried about me (I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME! ) I listen to her monologue about eating good food, health ... the works (what's with mom's and food, i'll never figure that one out?!)
She called me repeatedly on d B'Day, wanting to know what i'm doing. Whether I'm partying my guts out or not. Whether I'm doing something new, other than going crazy.
I told her politely... "No, I'm going crazy all right. I like it that way. I'm not meeting anyone. Infact, am cutting off from the world. Going into hibernation. Its peaceful. Less troublesome."
She listened. A pained silence followed. An hour later she called again to ask the same questions.
I gave the same answers.
That was my B'day. I'm 27.