Return of the Lover

One of the main reasons why I haven't written a post in so many days is
because I'm guilty. And I really don't know how to share the last few days
with you.
Almost feel like I've committed a crime. However, have done no such thing…
have only committed myself….to the man again.

Yes, Yes… I know you've been sick of me, my ranting and have generally given
me all the support I need to get a handle on things… and I've gone and done
the complete opposite of that.

But who really knows what material we're actually made up of?

And now that I've broken the news to you… can I take a breather and say
'WHEW !!!!!!!!!!'.

Giving you the gossip, here's the love story in brief:

We speak on the phone… discussing the blank calls etc… ( I knew it was
him)….have this extremely formal/ polite conversation etc, for almost 2
days.
However, the ice is melting and playful taunts are exchanged, a smile in the
voice, an eagerness to prolong the conversation, an itch to keep calling/
messaging… just be in touch.

And ofcourse, all this while I'm floating a level above the ground and
telling myself to come back to reality! " Be stern" "Be firm" " you need to
be with someone who takes a stand for you" … well although the words keep
repeating in my head, my heart says " I'm longing to see him" " I'm longing
to lay my hands on him" " I'm longing to tell him I miss him"

So I finally meet him. It's supposed to be a serious exchange, sitting
across the table over coffee. Talking about us. I'm prepared.
I open the door. I see him.
We hug. For a long time.
N then I kiss him… just like that. No words exchanged… just like that…All my
freaking resolutions flying out of the window.
And as they say…The rest is history.

p.s. Of course, the serious conversation happened, in between a lot of
tongue twisting.( and I'm not really sure I regret it happening that way!)
Oops.

Every day in anticipation of…

The roller coaster to come to a stop… the time bomb to explode… the bubble
to burst… the phone to ring… the heart attack to happen… the nerves to
explode… the car to crash… the dream to finish… the smile to evaporate… or
the smile to emerge… recognition of surroundings… reality- hard and
biting…the web to be torn… the hibernation to end… the eyes to see… the
lungs to breathe… freedom of thought and expression… information to
register… registered information to seep in… work to matter… work not to
matter… life to be more… back to childhood…into the cocoon… or out of the
cocoon… stronger… past… future… present … where am I ??
Can anybody hear my silent scream?

Musings on Making Things Real

I've been writing this blog off n on since March last year. Truthfully, I
have written more posts in the last 2 months than the entire 2006. Why?
Can't say.

Also, most of the posts which I have written have been morbid and
depressing.
Assuming that it's MY blog and I'm free to write whatever comes to MY mind…
no matter how dark it is… I kept writing.

Have NOT given a second thought to the fact that when I write something
down, I actually seal it… make it more real than it was when inside my head.

Or maybe it is an attempt by me to gain some sympathy… find a common ground…
a listening ear. ( coz I know for a fact that the people around me are
totally and completely fed up of my whining!)

So I write… and It gives me satisfaction.

And then I chance upon this post on Danah's blog ' Musing on making things
Real'

http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/
<http://www.zephoria.org/thoughts/>

It leaves me thinking about relationships and their idiosyncrasies.

Of all the things which people do when they break up, I've done NONE:
- His number is still on my phone
- I have all the pics… safely stored away. Am avoiding looking at
them, but don't have the heart to burn them
- Have blocked and unblocked him 1 million times on my msn… at the
moment, he's unblocked

As confusion prevails in my mind… I'm thinking… am I stuck in a time warp?
I need closure, instead I write a new post everyday talking about how
miserable I am without him.

Think I read somewhere that men have this amazing ability to
'compartmentalize' their thots, put them into neatly packaged slots. So if
they don't want to open the package named 'relationship' they just put it
into the back compartment and move on with their daily existence… happily.

Women on the other hand mull, dissect, shred to pieces every goddamn
thought, event till they have a headache and have no choice but to have a
disprin and sleep. And even in sleep, you'd find women having vivid dreams
about the same. So in reality, there is no rest provided to the miniature
brain at any level.

Think I admire men for this ability. Have been trying to emulate them in
this respect by compartmentalizing my thoughts.

Here's what I'm doing these days:

Have an image of a door with a key in the lock. Everytime I have a thought
about the past I try to literally pick it up( the thought), throw it behind
the door and turn the lock. Now I would like to throw the key away, but I
keep it handy for the next thought which comes in !! It has worked at some
level.

But women will be women… and here I am writing another post about my
struggles, rather than throwing the thoughts behind the door !!!!! hehehe!

Gaaawwdddd! Help the female species :-)

I have an urge… to return the blank call. To hear the voice and just…click
I don’t see the point of it, I don’t see the logic of it, and I definitely don’t see it going anywhere.

However, I have an urge…

And

The urge is eating me alive.

Thank you, Girl Interupted.

Tonite I watched 'Girl Interupted' for the 4th time maybe 5th.
Every time I watch the movie, it leaves me with a sense of freedom.

To begin with, I identify most with Susanna ( Winona Ryder), the woman driving herself insane with her own hands. She walks into a mental institution, not belonging there, and slowly becomes an integral part of the place and it's people.
Lisa ( Angelina Jolie) is the in-your-face, hyper woman losing her rhythm constantly and creating chaos at every step.

Through the course of the movie the two woman find true friendship, a bond which only 2 people on the verge of a breakdown can possibly find. They grow closer and then move apart and then grow closer again. They slowly discover their own identities and begin a quest at finding their souls.

The beauty of the movie, I feel, does not lie solely in the acting, which in itself is remarkable. It's the theme of the movie which truly touches your heart.

In a world of crazy events, happenings and not to mention people, sanity is surely just an illusion we create in our minds to give ourselves some solace, is it not? the distinction between the crazy and the so-called 'outside' world... what is it? and who establishes it?
And yet we continue with our daily routines, with our minds full of rubbish, standing on the edge of insanity and pitying the ones who crossed the line.
Are we sane? Is it necessary to talk funny to be branded crazy? Is it necessary to try and commit suicide, to be declared mentally ill, even though you maybe thinking about it 24-7?

While these questions trouble me, the ending of the movie brings me back from my dark thoughts to the light of day.
As Susanna sits on the stairs crying , staring at Lisa and listening to her wild ranting,

She says, " Ive wasted 1 year of my life in this mental institution... and I know the world out there maybe insane, but I'd rather be out there in that crazy world, than be here in this mental institution"

And it makes sense. Binding the movie. A perfect full circle.

We sit and cry about our miseries, some self-created, some not, when the world is waiting with open arms, longing to hold us.

I shut the TV and smile.

I feel hope. Hope for myself and my future. Hope that everything will fall into place. Hope that I'm here to discover myself and everyday brings me a step closer towards finding myself.

Thank you, Girl Interupted.

Still raving about nonsense...

Here’s the poem which K has been totally insisting I introduce you all to.

The Bathing Hymn

( Translated by Anoushka Ravi shankar from the Marathi original ‘Aanghol Stotra’ )

Om havum bathum namaha

Om take offum clothesum namaha

On the body applyum oilum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha rubrubum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha

Om on the body porurum waterum namaha

Glugglugum namaha blugblugum namaha

Glugglugum namaha

Om applyum soapum namaha

Scrubscrubum namaha rubrubum namaha

Work upum latherum namaha

Om pourum more waterum namaha

Glugglugum namaha blugblugum namaha

Wash offum soapum namaha

Om wipeum bodyum namaha

Weareum clothesum namaha

Om niceum cleanum namaha

Bring outum snacksum namaha!

By far the weirdest poem I’ve personally ever read. Am amazed at the fact that it has been written at all. And yet… it’s awesome! :)

Nonsense !!!

ok ... here's to a new me !!
forget the posts u read before... wipe them... erase them from thy memory.

Those were rants of a bitter woman... not so bitter no more.
How? Why? dunno.

But enough is fucking enough!
You may wonder what led to this transformation overnight?

Well... its a small little Cafe Latte with K and extensive reading on 'nonsense'
Huh? Nonsense? I hear you mutter.

well... actually yes... NONSENSE!

We scan through Full circle Bookstore, and K tries to cheer me up with this book called ' The Tenth Rasa- an Anthology of Indian Nonsense'
It works.

We laugh all evening reading wacky poems translated from local Indian languages to English. Let me read a poem to you to illustrate:

Pious
( translated by Anushka Ravishankar from the Maraathi original ' Dhaarmik')

In the town of piouspur
Lived such a pious sage
when he caught a cold he read
the Gita, page by page!

Here's another one:

What the Little Girl Learnt
( Translated by Sampoorna chaterji from the Bengali original ' Meye Kemon Shikchhen')

A-ha!
Yes ma!
Baa Baa Black sheep
Have you any wool?
No ma, No ma,
that's all bull.
Not black, not a sheep,
Not at all woolly
So, where'll I get wool?
You're wrong fully?

Isn't it BIZARRE!!!

There are many more wierder ones... n I promise to read out one daily to you... just for a laugh.

In the foreward, the poem above has been critically analysed in light of the term ' nonsense'... the argument being that nonsense can be studied as the very basis of existense.
The different essays throw up ideas like, nonsense is a human endeavour which allows the simultaneity of is-ness and is-not-ness. ( trying to read further to figure that one out!!)

Our ' What the little girl learnt' is actually understood as a dig at English culture, and how through verse Indian's rebel. It is also studied as an anti-racist poem.. where the Indian child clearly rejects the notion of ' Black'.

Fascinating no how there is meaning in nothingness?

So... my spirits are up and I feel like laughing and being silly, just for the heck of it.
Why need a reason? :)

"Get a Date"

It's SS's engagement on Sunday, because of which the woman has obviously
been very very tied up. There's barely been any conversation for the past
few days. Every time we speak, she's like:

" I'll call you back… I'm at the jewelers or buying clothes or getting the
place ready or sitting with the prospective hubby or in-laws or hubby/
in-laws friends" Basically doing everything in the whole world but talking
to moi !!

Aaaaarrrggh!

Frustrating.

Anyway. So she books my Sunday, " Be at my place by 8.30am. Get ready here…
we'll go to the gurudwara from here itself. Then there will be paath, the
engagement and lunch. Ofcourse, in the evening there's a party at my place"
I'm like, " Great. Will be there in the morning!!! "
She, " Bring a date in the evening !!"
Me ( irritable… I mean the woman knows I've just fucking broken off. Don't
have even have a whiff of a single man, near or far, n she asks me to get a
date. Ok, chill… maybe she's just being nice- " Yup, will try!"

Topic closed. Forgotten.

Friday evening… the prospective fiancé is in town… time to begin the party,
why wait till Sunday to celebrate?

Get a call Friday afternoon, " What u doing in the evening"
My humble self, " Nothing constructive. Just gonna laze at home"
SS, " Ok. We're planning to go to Laid Back Waters in the evening. Keep
ureself free."
Me, " Ok. Who all?"
SS, " Myself, P ( d fiancé), Sh and G. Bring a date"
WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS STATEMENT?? I MEAN ARE WE TRYING TO RUB IT IN ON
PURPOSE??
Me- " SS, I don't have a date! Maybe coz I'm not dating anyone anymore! At
the moment have no intentions of getting a date/ dating anyone… maybe even
indefinitely. So can you please NOT keep asking me to get a DATE !!"
SS ( somewhat embarrassed)" Ok, just come. Forget it"

Topic closed a second time over.
However, in my mind, it's still open.

Am having an argument here as to why is it so important to be socially seen
on a man's arm, for women to actually be feeling:
a) Good about themselves
b) Good about their social circle.

I know there is concern at some level, for a single friend, however,
honestly, beyond that, do people start feeling uncomfortable in the presence
of singles when they are seeing someone… nonononono not seeing someone…
potentially engaged/ married?

I know this ' get a date' would never have been said had she been going out
with her bf a year ago. But because 2 couples are meeting, I'd be the '
odd-one-out', sitting alone, probably and sipping my lonely vodka's.

Maybe it's a sense of embarrassment- "Hey, here's a perfectly nice woman..
and I'm sorry to admit she's single"
Maybe it's a sense of disgust - " Hey, look, I'm getting engaged now. We're
a couple, we need to be hanging out with couples. Marriage means
responsibility etc… n I cannot be seen as a junkie with single people and
their lonely vodka's and chain smoking.
Maybe it's a sense of pity- " God! She's going to feel so out of place with
us happy couples! Poor soul! God bless her!"

I don't care which one it is. But its just NOT required.

PhoneBooth

There was an incident which I chose NOT to narrate to you yesterday. No
particular reason, I didn't pay much attention to it… basically it just
slipped my mind.
Well, the incident took place again today… it's fresh in my mind and now I'm
just itching to tell you about it.

Here's how it goes:

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. No Boy friend. Nobody. All sorts of weird-ass
fucking blues blowing my mind apart. Void.

N then I get a call…

" Hello"
No one speaks.
" Hello"
A couple of seconds pass. Someone's listening to my voice. Quietly. I hear
noise in the background… traffic, cars moving, people talking. Sounds like a
public phone booth.
"Hello"
Click.

I keep the cell phone down ...stare at it for a minute. Go into my 'Call
Register' and check the number. Should I call back? Should I not? Maybe it
was just a wrong number. Maybe it wasn't.
I dismiss the random thots. Get back to work. But mind is on the phone. I
want to know who called.

I call the number.
It's ringing.

I hear a voice.
"Heeeelloooooo"
I try to judge it. Somewhat rustic. Bad English. Gotto be a shopkeeper!
" Heeeelloooooo"
I'm quiet. I don't know what I'm thinking. I KNOW ITS NOT S. But I'm
looking for a sign… any sign that he was there… that had called me. No sign.

Click.

Ok, so it wasn't him. Was just a wrong number, so stop making it into a big
deal!! OKKKK! Forget it.

That was yesterday.

I get another call today… from the same number.

" Hello"
Silence
" Hello, who is that?"
Click

I'm pissed. I decide to call back on the number and speak to the man,
whoever he is. What the hell is this mind-fuck?

I call.

Me- "Hello"
Him- " Heeeelllooooo"
Me- " Hi. I got a missed call from this number. Who is that?"
Him( irritable)- "This is an STD Booth. We don't know who called you. There
are hundreds of people who walk in an out of here all the time !!!"
Me- " Someone called less than 2 minutes ago. Could you tell me who was the
last person who called from this number?"
Him( snort!)- "I don't know. It was some guy!"
Me-" What area of Delhi is that?"
Him- "Nariana"
Me- " Could you describe the guy a bit?"
Him ( thoroughly fed up)- " Lady, I'm busy !!!"
Click

Now, I don't know a SOUL in that part of Delhi… except…. S. His office is
in Nariana, near PVR theatre.

I'm nervous. I'm excited. I'm angry at myself for being nervous and excited.
And yet I am.
The guy has made my life a living hell for the last 2 years and I'm nervous
and excited at the remote possibility that he's now giving me blank calls (
Ok… not so remote… highly probable!).???!!! What kind of an asshole am I
???? Not good.

Here's what I'm thinking with an nasty smirk on my face:

So… I'm not the ONLY one in pain!
So… the guy misses me
So… the guy's football stadium-sized ego seems to be melting
So… I want to hurt him
So… I want to hurt him the way he's hurt me

Yes… I am evil and I love it.

I strengthen my resolve of NOT calling him…Lets see how much longer he
holds. :-)

Hyper Ventilating

My stomach has been tied up in knots for the last 1 week. I refuse to unwind
it.
And it shows.

Common questions being asked:

" What's wrong with you?"
" You're hyper, woman… slow down"
" You're behaving like a lunatic"
" You've lost it"
" Can you stop yapping for 5 min and listen"

Yes… hyper ventilating for no apparent reason. Have a recurring vision of
myself standing at the edge of a cliff, about to fall off any second.
Mind you, its not a 'JUMP' of the cliff… it's a 'FALL' of the cliff.

So in the midst of the mind-fuck, I try to psycho-analyse my problem. Here's
what I've concluded:

- I'm finding it harder than I'd imagined to get out of this broken
relationship. The constant spurt of tears just don't appear to stop. My
professional life is just fine, it's the personal life which is driving me
insane.
- Have not been single in ages. Just don't know what to do with
myself. Consequently my behavior towards the opposite sex is weird. Am
frantic at the thought of never meeting anyone whom I like or feel any sort
of chemistry with. Am frantic at the thought of being alone… forever. Am
lost and helpless and I want a hand to steady me. Aanndd… at the same time
am scared of the extent of my disillusionment, my vulnerability, for…I feel
genuine fear of men…and their capacity to hurt me.

So in the last few days, the confusion has come to a head…

- Have interacted with 4 men in the last 4 days. 2 over the net and 2
personally. 2 I know thoroughly and 2 I don't know all that well. ( How
frantic am I?)
- So far, have been attracted to none… or maybe forced attraction to
one, who's very obviously seeing someone. Whatever.
- Went for 'Valentine's Day' with a friend and some guy she wanted me
to jam up with. Nice fellow, easy to talk to, tolerably smart. What did I
wanna do? Everything and nothing. Throughout the evening was shuttling
between 2 extremes… do something bizarre and completely unlike me or run
away. Ultimately, what did I do? Run away. It was the safer option, and
honestly, I was scared… even guilty. Although I know I owe no explanations
to anyone anymore… I was guilty… simply for being with a guy other than S at
a pub and laughing… feeling free…

So… I wonder… what has become of the bubbly, fun loving person that was me?
Where is the social bird? Where am I hiding?

Thought for the Night

Im online... n so is he.
I see him... he sees me. Ignore.
Have blocked and unblocked him a million times already from my msn. No good. somehow I want him there. I want him to see me online... so close and yet so far.

My decisions... my thots... my mind.... shatter around me when I see him there. I will not allow weakness to come in the way, this time. No more pain...
n thats what it will be...one more hello followed by innumerable insults and let downs. Another series of disasters... another kick to my self esteem... another guilt trip for nothing.
So i log off and write this post...
for...
Its better to be apart and miserable, when remembering the good times... than to be together and miserable when living the bad times.

Lets just verbalise what I want right now..

Asking Too Much

Ani Difranco

I want somebody who sees the pointlessness
and still keeps their purpose in mind
I want somebody who has a tortured soul
some of the time
I want somebody who will either put out for me
or put me out of misery
or maybe just put it all to words
and make me say, you know
I never heard it put that way
make me say, what did you just say?
I want somebody who can hold my interest
hold it and never let it fall
someone who can flatten me with a kiss
that hits like a fist
or a sentence, that stops me like a brick wall
because if you hear me talking
listen to what I'm not saying
if you hear me playing guitar
listen to what I'm not playing
and don't ask me to put words
to all the spaces between notes
in fact if you have to ask, forget it
do and you'll regret it
I'm tired of being the interesting one
I'm tired of heving fun for two
just lay yourself on the line
and I might lay myself down by you
but don't sit behind your eyes
and wait for me to surprise you
I want somebody who can make me
scream until it's funny
give me a run for my money
I want someone who can
twist me up in knots
tell me, for the woman who has everything
what have you got?
I want someone who's not afraid of me
or anyone else
in other words I want someone
who's not afraid of themself

do you think I'm asking too much?

Loosing My Mind

Today is one of those days, which u wish never comes or simply ends.
Well… neither is happening just yet.
I've just spent the better half of today shuttling between the my seat and
the loo to give vent to my sporadic bursts of tears.

Could it be PMS?

I dunno.

All I know is I feel like my insides are on the verge of coming out of my
eyes, nose and mouth and head.

Flashes of memory shoot through my head and fresh tears sting at the back of
my eyes….
In my mind, I scream out his name repeatedly and my eyes support the
pain…salt water runs down my cheeks…sweet water… n I choke on my breadth…I'm
quiet… noone should hear me crying in office… so I cry silently…as though my
world is crumbling around me… staring at nothing while my mind sees
everything… an odd evening in London listening to 'India' by Shakti…
listening to Anarkali in Pune…Getting off the train from Pune and finding
him at the station at 6am…. walking towards Hampstead Heath or Camden… the
Ist day I land in Heathrow and we meet… the trip to Goa… New years… next
morning coming down at the shack… the love… the efforts… the crazy times…
over and over and over again… over.

Once in control…I wash my face and walk towards my desk with my head down.
But of course, its not easy to ignore my sullen expression and red nose.
I ignore a few raised eye brows… go to my seat and work as though nothing's
wrong… whereas everything is.

My heart, My mind, My soul is crying.

So I will allow the tears to flow for as long as they want to.
Simply because I haven't allowed myself to cry since the break up.

Could it be that my world is coming to an end? Could it be that noone will
ever be able to recognize me for the person that I am? Could it be that I'll
be left with no choice but to resign my life to some stranger who will
struggle for the rest of his life to break down the barriers I'm beginning
to create around me? Could it be that I will always have that dirty taste in
my mouth everytime I look at a man… any man… a stranger on the street… a
husband/ bf simply talking to his partner? Could it be that I will actually
execute the crazy thoughts which keep crossing my mind .. pushing me towards
closure… total and complete… of everything. Could it be that I might not be
able to find the courage inside me, to fight this ?

Life

read today... live everyday as if it were ure last.

Have heard this one before... how many times have I ever paid heed to it, though?

Tear It Down
by Jack Gilbert

We find out the heart only by dismantling what
the heart knows. By redefining the morning,
we find a morning that comes just after darkness.
We can break through marriage into marriage.
By insisting on love we spoil it, get beyond
affection and wade mouth-deep into love.
We must unlearn the constellations to see the stars.
But going back toward childhood will not help.
The village is not better than Pittsburgh.
Only Pittsburgh is more than Pittsburgh.
Rome is better than Rome in the same way the sound
of racoon tongues licking the inside walls
of the garbage tub is more than the stir
of them in the muck of the garbage. Love is not
enough. We die and are put into the earth forever.
We should insist while there is still time. We must
eat through the wildness of her sweet body already
in our bed to reach the body within the body.

Utopia

The long long chat with K yesterday left me in a funny mood- At the one end I was energized, ready to take on life, focus on my career, be placid ( like he says)
And at the other extreme I felt disillusioned ... disillusioned with life and people and men in particular.
There are realities which you know exist and then there is facing those realities in the face. In my life those realities exist elsewhere... pain is not really happening to me... men are not conniving bastards but complexed individuals needing only a little scraping on the surface to bring out their true essence.
Well, according to K, I need to wake up... get out of this dream world and face the harsh facts of reality.
I propose the foll questions in reply:
- Why not create your own alternate reality when you clearly see that the world you live in is not a perfect haven
- Why not judge people through the eyes of that alternate world where atleast beautiful things happen ... where people change... where people dont intentionally hurt each other... Where realisation is a constant.
According to K, the only thing constant is change. Well said. I know that.
In my alternate reality change happens too... but on some sub conscious level... In a dream... Or then... maybe not.
I know the man is right on more than one account... but its extremely difficult for me to understand what is going on here.
I've lived in a movie all my life... and this is NOT how its supposed to end.

Happy or Sad ... I'm not prepared to wake up ...

Good Fake

Had a fantastic day yesterday. But yesterday was yesterday.

Spent the better part of yesterday with Puji n Su. Giving gyan to the women
on love and patience ( ironic, isn't it? Coming from a woman who's own love
life is in the doldrums… or should I say non-existent?) . Well, I did a
pretty good job of it anyway.

Its amazing how a third person is able to see one's life so much more
clearly than oneself. I was that third person in their lives yesterday. I was in control of my thoughts and emotions. I knew what I was talking about. Confident. Bold. It
felt good, to be telling them that they had everything going for them and
that they should lay back and enjoy life as its happening to them. I so
wanted them to see that there's so much more to life than petty issues. They
needed to love themselves. Give their partner space and freedom. To simply
'BE'. They listened … with rapt attention. I felt I hit a chord somewhere….
For a while, I'd made a difference in their troubled worlds.

Ultimately I stayed over at Su's place and in the morning when on my way
home, the evening's events and conversations began to wear off.

'The person that I am and the person that I portray to be are two different
people. I'm told that this is the case with everyone… we all hide our demons
somewhere deep down, we are all pretenders, fakes in one way or the other.
It's only how good a fake you are that counts. I've become a good fake over
the last 1 year.' , I thought.

The same feeling of loneliness began enveloping me as I drove my car back
from Gurgaon to Delhi. I saw a Scorpio on the way. It was not white. It was
not S. I imagined myself having virtual eye contact with S on a red light
somewhere…..

My tiny Maruti comes to a standstill at a crossing. I'm parked next to a
white Scorpio. I turn to look and I see S. He turns and looks at me. In a
second the last 5 years flash before our eyes, its almost like an electric
signal…in the very look. And then my eyes turn stone cold. I look straight
ahead, put the car in gear and move.

Now, I would like to be like that. I would like to be cool and composed,
exactly the way I am in my virtual encounter with him. I would like to feel
indifference. Nothing. Blankness. I would like to dislike. Instead, I have
tears running down my cheeks at 7am, longing for a man who doesn't care and
is unlikely to ever truly understand me.

God. When is this going to end. I don't want to be a good fake.

A Week in Chandi

I just spent a long long week in chandi and am back with a vengence.

things I have put behind me:
a) My past
b) My past
c) My past

So on n so forth.

Being home with family can be quite unnerving at times... however I coped well. Infact the constant bikkering served as a successful distraction for my brooding mind.
I ate n ate n ... lemme see... ate. Mom being typically mom-like, made sure my stomach didnt get any rest and consequently my waist size is an inch broader at the end on my short stint.
Smoked a few here n there... more or less on the low side.
Slept like there's no tom... morning... noon... n night
Tried to make conversation with dad... which I think was partially successful. He can be difficult to talk to to. given my patience level is at an all time low... I dont think I did a very good job. this is a constant regret at the end of every meeting with him. I always feel like going back and undoing all the conversations... just being nicer. but, its just so difficult being nice to him. now... I dont want to justify my behaviour... but he infuriates me... the drinking, smoking and gluttony combined make my heart burn. so I avoid conversation, lest I say something nasty. Consequently the few words which are exchanged are laden with sarcasm both ways. ... neway... next time.

The highlight of the trip has undoubtedly been - Brownie and Mirchi...the two bitches in my life!!

Briefly discribing the 2:
Brownie... sausage dog, brown, eyes which make your heart melt, a bitch with a bark but no bite, hyper active woman...3 year old but never been mated... frustrated to the core... needs sex before she drives herself insane... currently going through an identity crisis- THINKS SHE'S A MAN!
Mirchi...lab ( could be a mix!), eyes like the eery colour which Micheal Jackson had in thriller, however they're decieving. she's a popet... dont think she knows the meaning of the word bark... lazy woman... doesnt want to move her butt even to say hello when you come after a long day out... mother of 'x' amount of pups... been there done that!


So in comes mirchi with her slow swagger... n brownie's getting excited... the little frustrated , pooch cant stop wagging her tail!! There's the bark... which could be mistaken for a 'yooohoo
here comes my woman!'
Brownie's slowly creeping up behind mirchi... the sniffing starts... u guessed it... up the arse!!!
If you thought this is a one off phenomena... well think again! the poor pooch has been at it for nearly 7 days!
On and off attempts at humping mirchi have resulted in disappointment... at the end of it all... brownie is content at sticking with mirchi like a shadow...
Mirchi on the other hand... is likely to develop a slight temper by the end of her stay in chandigarh... i mean how much can u take a chit of a sausage sniffing you / trying to hump you day and night!
for the first time since I met her, have heard mirchi bark. Sad... but true.

However... the two make a formidable pair... and I simply loved watching them play around day and night.

Apart from the their li'l escapades... told mom to start the man hunt again... fruitful or not... I will open my mind n eyes to other men.
At the moment am in the process of trying to justify the concept of arranged marriage to myself. Here are my arguments:
- Meeting the man of ur dreams is a chance... it could be through a friend, off the net, at a party, or with parents in a room. big deal.
- With families being involved the comfort level is greater ( as I have been told by all the propogaters of arranged marriage across the globe)
- Life is a risk... whether its love or arranged... why fret?

So I'm preparing myself for the leap.... although fear is a given... am in the process of making myself more practical, so I can take the reins of my life in my own hands.