Loosing My Mind

Today is one of those days, which u wish never comes or simply ends.
Well… neither is happening just yet.
I've just spent the better half of today shuttling between the my seat and
the loo to give vent to my sporadic bursts of tears.

Could it be PMS?

I dunno.

All I know is I feel like my insides are on the verge of coming out of my
eyes, nose and mouth and head.

Flashes of memory shoot through my head and fresh tears sting at the back of
my eyes….
In my mind, I scream out his name repeatedly and my eyes support the
pain…salt water runs down my cheeks…sweet water… n I choke on my breadth…I'm
quiet… noone should hear me crying in office… so I cry silently…as though my
world is crumbling around me… staring at nothing while my mind sees
everything… an odd evening in London listening to 'India' by Shakti…
listening to Anarkali in Pune…Getting off the train from Pune and finding
him at the station at 6am…. walking towards Hampstead Heath or Camden… the
Ist day I land in Heathrow and we meet… the trip to Goa… New years… next
morning coming down at the shack… the love… the efforts… the crazy times…
over and over and over again… over.

Once in control…I wash my face and walk towards my desk with my head down.
But of course, its not easy to ignore my sullen expression and red nose.
I ignore a few raised eye brows… go to my seat and work as though nothing's
wrong… whereas everything is.

My heart, My mind, My soul is crying.

So I will allow the tears to flow for as long as they want to.
Simply because I haven't allowed myself to cry since the break up.

Could it be that my world is coming to an end? Could it be that noone will
ever be able to recognize me for the person that I am? Could it be that I'll
be left with no choice but to resign my life to some stranger who will
struggle for the rest of his life to break down the barriers I'm beginning
to create around me? Could it be that I will always have that dirty taste in
my mouth everytime I look at a man… any man… a stranger on the street… a
husband/ bf simply talking to his partner? Could it be that I will actually
execute the crazy thoughts which keep crossing my mind .. pushing me towards
closure… total and complete… of everything. Could it be that I might not be
able to find the courage inside me, to fight this ?