it.
And it shows.
Common questions being asked:
" What's wrong with you?"
" You're hyper, woman… slow down"
" You're behaving like a lunatic"
" You've lost it"
" Can you stop yapping for 5 min and listen"
Yes… hyper ventilating for no apparent reason. Have a recurring vision of
myself standing at the edge of a cliff, about to fall off any second.
Mind you, its not a 'JUMP' of the cliff… it's a 'FALL' of the cliff.
So in the midst of the mind-fuck, I try to psycho-analyse my problem. Here's
what I've concluded:
- I'm finding it harder than I'd imagined to get out of this broken
relationship. The constant spurt of tears just don't appear to stop. My
professional life is just fine, it's the personal life which is driving me
insane.
- Have not been single in ages. Just don't know what to do with
myself. Consequently my behavior towards the opposite sex is weird. Am
frantic at the thought of never meeting anyone whom I like or feel any sort
of chemistry with. Am frantic at the thought of being alone… forever. Am
lost and helpless and I want a hand to steady me. Aanndd… at the same time
am scared of the extent of my disillusionment, my vulnerability, for…I feel
genuine fear of men…and their capacity to hurt me.
So in the last few days, the confusion has come to a head…
- Have interacted with 4 men in the last 4 days. 2 over the net and 2
personally. 2 I know thoroughly and 2 I don't know all that well. ( How
frantic am I?)
- So far, have been attracted to none… or maybe forced attraction to
one, who's very obviously seeing someone. Whatever.
- Went for 'Valentine's Day' with a friend and some guy she wanted me
to jam up with. Nice fellow, easy to talk to, tolerably smart. What did I
wanna do? Everything and nothing. Throughout the evening was shuttling
between 2 extremes… do something bizarre and completely unlike me or run
away. Ultimately, what did I do? Run away. It was the safer option, and
honestly, I was scared… even guilty. Although I know I owe no explanations
to anyone anymore… I was guilty… simply for being with a guy other than S at
a pub and laughing… feeling free…
So… I wonder… what has become of the bubbly, fun loving person that was me?
Where is the social bird? Where am I hiding?
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