Good Fake

Had a fantastic day yesterday. But yesterday was yesterday.

Spent the better part of yesterday with Puji n Su. Giving gyan to the women
on love and patience ( ironic, isn't it? Coming from a woman who's own love
life is in the doldrums… or should I say non-existent?) . Well, I did a
pretty good job of it anyway.

Its amazing how a third person is able to see one's life so much more
clearly than oneself. I was that third person in their lives yesterday. I was in control of my thoughts and emotions. I knew what I was talking about. Confident. Bold. It
felt good, to be telling them that they had everything going for them and
that they should lay back and enjoy life as its happening to them. I so
wanted them to see that there's so much more to life than petty issues. They
needed to love themselves. Give their partner space and freedom. To simply
'BE'. They listened … with rapt attention. I felt I hit a chord somewhere….
For a while, I'd made a difference in their troubled worlds.

Ultimately I stayed over at Su's place and in the morning when on my way
home, the evening's events and conversations began to wear off.

'The person that I am and the person that I portray to be are two different
people. I'm told that this is the case with everyone… we all hide our demons
somewhere deep down, we are all pretenders, fakes in one way or the other.
It's only how good a fake you are that counts. I've become a good fake over
the last 1 year.' , I thought.

The same feeling of loneliness began enveloping me as I drove my car back
from Gurgaon to Delhi. I saw a Scorpio on the way. It was not white. It was
not S. I imagined myself having virtual eye contact with S on a red light
somewhere…..

My tiny Maruti comes to a standstill at a crossing. I'm parked next to a
white Scorpio. I turn to look and I see S. He turns and looks at me. In a
second the last 5 years flash before our eyes, its almost like an electric
signal…in the very look. And then my eyes turn stone cold. I look straight
ahead, put the car in gear and move.

Now, I would like to be like that. I would like to be cool and composed,
exactly the way I am in my virtual encounter with him. I would like to feel
indifference. Nothing. Blankness. I would like to dislike. Instead, I have
tears running down my cheeks at 7am, longing for a man who doesn't care and
is unlikely to ever truly understand me.

God. When is this going to end. I don't want to be a good fake.