living without baggage

I'm 26. not that old, they say... with my whole life infront of me. Yet when I look back, time has been a whirlwind and events have left marks. Feel older than I am. Feel more evolved than I should be. Feel exposed, when I should be ignorant at some level.

And suddenly it's weighing down on me. I woke up this morning from deep slumber, feeling weak. The dream was insane. Maybe I am insane. But I woke up pulled down. Down. Down. Down.

Gathered my wits together and came to office. Down.
Trying to concentrate...work. Down.

Ultimately, I am forced into introspection, for I have to let go of the baggage which is weighing me down. The smiles are hollow. The heart is pounding. The stomach is turning... and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Run away from myself.

I light a cigarette, and slowly take a drag. My chest caves in. Too many cigarettes. I take another drag, in the hope that it will stop this feeling. Distract me. shift my focus to the cigarette itself.

There is a black hole. Infront of me. I'm walking into it. Maybe coming out of one and mving into another dimension. Have been doing this since I started rationalizing... possibly 15 years ago.

I miss being free. Not thinking. Screaming on top of my lungs and everyone smiling. Innocence. It's sooo far away... and the future seems mysterious... scary.

I question my existence. My movements. My thoughts. My daily existence. My definitions. My biases. My hypocritical nature. I am a hypocrite. I console myself at the thought that we all are. It's a question of degrees.

I am hard on myself. Because I feel regret. I havent taken the right decisions. Grabbed the opportunities. Focused on the important. Always distracted, by the less consequential.

I shall recover. It is only today... this day... this morning which makes me feel this way. However I do... and this morning is just as important as every other morning.No?

So I introspect on how to face my demons. To smile. To be brave. To love myself inspite of the person that I am.