Neck Deep and NOT learning

Went for a wedding this weekend.
Old Friend.
She was seeing this guy for 6 years. He ultimately got married to someone else. Parents instantly pushed the arranged marriage button. Speeded up the manhunt. Presented her with an Irish Indian. She said yes, and within 6 months, she's packed off.

On the engagement evening, we come home. Old friend is losing her mind.

" I cant believe it's not "N" who put that ring on my finger. I cant take this. I cant do this. I cant get married to this guy. I dont even know him. I cant bear the thought of him touching me "

Me, " U've gotto take that leap of faith. Think of all the bad times 'N' has given u. u deserve someone who cares for u. U're very very lucky".

I mean every word I say. But, in my mind I'm a hypocrite. I see myself living the same situation. I see my future, tied to someone whom I'm not in love with... whom I will learn to love with time... whom I'll be forced to love because of circumstances. I see myself longing for another life. the one I had imagined. The perfect ending.

Its morning... we go to the gurdwara. The wedding takes 20 minutes. It's over. I sit behind the bride, living my own wedding, to a stranger, longing for 'S'. I'm crying- not for the bride's happiness, but because of my own sadness.

I know its futile to cry. I know that I deserve a wedding such as hers. I deserve to be with someone who knows me... understands me... and more than anything respects me.

I look at myself in the mirror in the afternoon... and I dont recognise myself. I am 2 people... one- the smiling face who's enjoying the wedding, the other- choking on uncried tears in her head.

I come back to Delhi... and the tears continue to NOT fall... but the chest becomes tighter.
The dreams become blank.
The leap of faith...the choice...the chance seem nightmarish.
They say, unless u're thrown neck deep into a situation, u dont learn how to cope with it.
I'm neck deep and I'm not learning.