Working on Myself

There are a number of factors which make one ther person one is.

• Family
• Environment
• Friends
• Socio-economic class
• Sub consciously embedded values
• Education
• Experiences
  

And possibly many others
In my case, I feel my mother has been the biggest influence in my life. I have emulated her for as long as I can remember. She personifies an innocence and love which I can only hope to give my kids some day. The shrewd streak, the mean bone... its missing.

When I look at myself... I see a few traits...
I'm full of mush and I love it. I live in a world of fantasy... trusting destiny... and believe that that's the world to be in.
Shrewdness? Meanness? Even Smartness... its missing.

I realise that what I am is unique... rare. Its what we call genuineness.
But I am at a loss here.
My experiences have taught me that the values I uphold come secondary to what the world stands for today.
In my quest at being good, I've put some important values on a back bench.
Self Respect

again, I compare myself to my mother here. Her marriage has not been the smoothest in the world. Yet she has stood by my father. Loved him, while he has trampled all over him. For that is what a good Indian wife is supposed to do. And she's been the best.
When I have told her to leave him, she has talked about her kids, family. Again, the cultural and societal values taking precedence over her own happiness.

These traits have somewhere translated into me as well. I've give my heart and soul to relationships. Allowing people to walk all over me, simply because I want to be the sacrifising, loving, Indian woman. The one who goes to any lengths to make things work.

I hear a psychologist discussing relationships in an Oprah episode. He says, people are attracted to certain 'kinds' of people. In the sense, if ure a confident person, u'll find a person who is equally confident.
N if ure not, ure likely to look for a person u can look upto. In the process, u usually allow the person u admire to be the definition of whom u would like to be.

Coming back to me... I'm not the confident person he's talking about, i'm the other. consequently, my story has been somewhat warped.

So... I've decided to take my life into my own hands.

Consciously walk out of the dream world I've created around myself....and put my self respect and dignity FIRST... before I give my love to anyone.