Left on a Jet Plane

Its been a while... a very loong while.
what prompted me to write again? cant say. but here I am.
A quick update... without a job, with a child.
how does it feel? and how is it going?

If routine can get monotonous, then bringing up a baby is the mother of all routines.
Have spent the last 6 months doing exactly the same (damn) thing, day after day after day...

No.. am not complaining ( well! maybe, just a li'l... but then... out here I'm allowed!!!) ... n yes... still lovvve the li'l baby to death!!

p.s. its a girl!

n hows the marriage coming along out here?

can i vent, plzzzzz...

FUCKING HELL!!!!
IF EVER THERE WAS A GUY WHO WAS A HUNDRED YEARS OLD AT THE AGE OF 33... THEN IT IS THE MAN.

So, the man goes and quits his job... yes! u heard me right... he's jobless TOOOOO!!! why? dont ask... tooo freaking long a story to write rite now...

bottom line... two jobless women and a baby... eeeeeeeeeeiiinn.... NOT HAPPENING!! yes... the man is a woman... just slightly short of a sex change operation.

" there's too much dust in the house"
" Tell the maid to clean the loo properly"
" Please rinse ure plate before keeping it in the sink" ( I mean! what the fuck am i paying the goddamn maid for if i gotto rinse the fucking plate before putting it in the fucking sunk! Moron!)
" the sheets need to be changed"
" Please wipe the water off the basin after u wash ure face" ( im in the bloody loo to create a water bath assshole!)
" Why dont u do a damn thing in the house?!!! ( Coz i have U??!! hello??!! Aint it obvious?!)

and the beat goes on!!!

So... I suggest to the man... " Buster I'm beginning to loose my mind..( which I truly am!) so lemme go home for a few days"

Man " U always think about ureself! I'm at my lowest without a job...what am I gonna do if u n baby leave?"
I'm thinking to myself..." find a job, ya?"
Me" ok... but its my dad's cataract operation" ( well... it was supposed to happen soommeeettimme... i thought why not now??!)
Man" but its my parents b'day!"
Me" ure comparing operation to B'day??! Sorry... operation is more crucial"
Man " ure sooo selfish... blah blah blah"

by now, i've lost my head... his face is causing some serious short circuits in my brain, and I decide I dont want to continue this conversation else i'll scream!

Me" lets not talk"
Man" u always want things ure way"

Silence.

An hour later... am lying in bed... almost asleep

Man " ure so selfish... its my parents b'day"
Me" Me no talk"

Turn my back to man and try to crash.

Man cant handle being ignored... pulls out the pillow from under my head and takes my blanket n throws it on the floor.

I ignore... somewhere in my head am laughing at his frustration ( my mean streak coming out) cant resist a smile... he sees it... he's hopping mad!!

after 10 min... i pick up the blanket, pillow, put it back on the bed and then remember that smoke lying in my bag. time for a breather.
get up and walk to the other room... man follows ( pest)... " why wont u talk to me... blah ! blah blah!"
I take out the smoke, begin to light it...
Pissed off Pest" u cant smoke in the house!Go out!"

Thats it! I crack!

I muster up all my strength and hit him hard on his leg...

" Dog... YOU ARE FUCKING INNNNTOOOLLEERRAABBLLEE!!"

... i get up, go and sit on the window sill... 60 seconds later ... i feel a hard smack on my left cheek... it hits my eye and my entire left side stings... my eye starts watering involuntarily and I see stars for 10 seconds.

i'm in shock... it came 60 seconds too late and I didnt anticipate it!... I cant react.... so no cheek for cheek happens...

I decide to go home.... first thing in the morning.
The man blocks my way as i try to goto the fone to call home... he snatches the laptop as I try to book the flight... he aoplogizes and tries to continue the conversation.

But ofcourse... there's no scope for conversation. I fix my gaze at the bookcase behind his head and zip my mouth shut... the frustration gets to him... but the pest continues to chew my ears for another 40 mins on what a selfish bitch i am in his time of need.

I get up in the morning and leave.

Shockers

A few shockers:

- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.

Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...

Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.

I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long

Our song

There was a song... and it was mine and his song... and it was special... and I heard you hum it to me...
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?

I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...

but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.

And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years

When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.

I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.

book

i'm gonna write a book.

Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...

Watch the bookshelves