Shockers

A few shockers:

- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.

Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...

Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.

I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long

Our song

There was a song... and it was mine and his song... and it was special... and I heard you hum it to me...
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?

I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...

but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.

And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years

When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.

I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.

book

i'm gonna write a book.

Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...

Watch the bookshelves

mind funk

First I went online and searched for Sachin's name n then i went on to facebook... unblocked Sachin and saw his picture.

Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.

n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.

N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...

think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?

and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.

Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.

n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.

n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.