Friday, November 07, 2008
Here's a club/ record label/ production house ... and they have no money... but they sell a dream... they do something unique... and they're surrounded by music... and it makes me mad that they want me but they cant afford me. n it makes me madder that im dying to join them but the money factor is driving me nuts. Its maddening that mumbai is such an expensive place to live in that one cant exist here without counting one's pennies. its crazy that a so-called music buff is double minded about a project which would might make her life more meaningful, just because she wont have enuff moolah going into the pocket.
The question is what are the pros and cons again?
1. i know i'm gonna love this
2. the place is small... the people are warm... the work is exponentially more interesting than anything i've done before
3 It'll be interesting to grow with a start up... probable even establish one's name through it.
1. im an advertising person... it would mean shifting industries... literally!
2. Money is SHIT... it isnt even enough to pay my monthly rent in South bombay!!
3. i'll be living hand to mouth if i were living alone... thankfully im not... but i'm never gonna come even close to what hubby's making... and i'll be foreever dependent on him
Dats it... n i have to give them an answer today. Not to forget, ive already said 'yes' to MPG, who're expecting me at work from coming monday!! Feel like hell.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Ok then....moral dilemma here I come!!! this perpetual habit which I have of being completely undecisive about things is driving me crazy. Whether its an ice cream flavour or a freaking job, i'm in the same kinda spot... mulling over the freaking pro's and cons of eating dark chocolate v/s mint choco chip!!! Pardon the freaking!!
Ok... so here i am... I go for this RANDOM interview with a media planning agency... well its not even a real agency, its an arm of an ad agency... so they dont reaaaally have an identity of their own... but like they claim, they're a '" growing" agency.... hmmmm.... so back to back interviews happen... our lady here cruises through them both... in a matter of a week an offer is being made....n then she chickens out...!!!... well almpost... havent given an answer as yet.
considering the fact that i've been bawling my eyes out for the last freaking 6 months for a freaking job... this should come as alife saver, no?! My scanty analysis of the world economy suggests that we are soooo in the dumps and any job which walks my way should be held onto with both hands... however here i am ONCE AGAIN dissecting the merits of the freaking job till my head hurts!!! Here's what I have:
1. I'm gonna lead a team of 3 people... now THAT is progress!!!! from NO team to team of 3?!! not a bad! THIS is not to mention the palpatations which are driving me crazy at the thought... or the mind numbing, heart stopping fucked up feeling I have at the thought of becoming a GURU to these innocent ones!!! I mean... i'm a kid myself... how am i gonna do dis?! i've never had anyone report into me before... i might just go on a power trip?! ... (whats wrong in dat :P).... see thats what i mean... sheer irresponsible behaviour is what makes me what i am!!!
2. Ok... then there's the whole jazz on growth, learning and experience in the field of communication management of UNA BRANDA !! I buy it... but it also means trying to figure where thy client's money goes... AND if i fuck up ( i'm a group head!) the knife's on my neck... dude!! its tooo much responsibility!!!!
1. Do i wanna kill myself doing this freaking DOGZZZZZZ job... running behind clients for stupid shit... watching media channels n trying to fathom which brand should be advertised where... etc?! No way Jose!!
2. I'm a STRATEGIC PLANNER NOT A MEDIA PLANNER... i mean... i look at the bigger picture... this is soooooo a downgrade from what ive been doing so far!!! its an ego issue, dude to be doing this!!!
3. My heart is screaming at the thought of looking at research data and trying to understand media merit etc... i mean... i'm a strategist, not a clerk!!!
Gawd!!! i feel sooooo uppity just writing this...
do i need to review my priorities?? :(
Thursday, October 16, 2008
well... so like i was saying its K-chauth ( i decided to nick it so that it begins to sound like what it really is- a freaking irritating, mindless ritual)
So... it started over 2 months ago when the MIL ( Ma-in...) decided to ask me whether i'm gonna keep the fast:
MIL: "Are you planning to keep the KC fast?"
Me: " Well, my mom's never kept it, its not a custom we follow"
MIL: " Well, its ure choice entirely, i'm never going to pressurize u. however, it exists in our family ( n now that ure married to my son, u better say goodbye to ure family, n just accept the fact that THIS is ure family, woman) and if u want u can keep it.
Me: " Ok... its 2 months to go... we'll decide"
I let the matter drop... but obviously the question is ringing in the woman's head- Will she? Wont she? will she? Wont she?
A month later, she asks me again:
MIL:" so what have u decided? Are you going to keep the KC fast? Meri beti, its a very important ritual even for the ma- in... besides all u do is get dressed, look good and get lots of gifts, from me, ure husband etc."
Me: " Ok, i havent decided as yet, if u really want me to keep it, i will ( damn! i dont believe i said that... I so dont believe in mindless rituals. woman! ure in trouble!)
MIL ( jumping on the cue): No, no... there's no pressure from my side. but its there in our family ( Bitch!)
Me: "there's still time right now... lets figure it out closer to KC"
Again, i somehow tallo it... but i know its nagging me. It irritates me that an educated woman should be so eager to keep a fast for the long life of her husband. I dont see any rituals throughout the Hindu dharma's endless customs which are directed towards men... whether its Sati or Karva chauth... its women who bear the brunt of it all.. ya ya... i know that KC is more of a feel-good kind of ritual... HOWEVER.. it is not the dressing up or gifts which bug me, it is the fasting... and not just for anything ... but for " the long life of ure husband" ... should'nt the damn husband be fasting too for the long life of his freaking wife? or to become a saint/ martyr in the eyes of society, the woman should necessarily die before the husband. for that matter, who knows when anyone dies? that is not to say that its not good to pray for someone's long life... i do it all the time for my parents ( n today hubby) however I do it voluntarily, while sleeping, for a minute or two. Its not an elaborate custom, where the gods would only be pleased if i starve myself for a day and buy ex amount of things in his name for aarti. its just the unjustness of the way the custom works... and how only women have to do it... always the woman!
Ok... so as i was saying, the conversation with MIL was left in a limbo... however, was she one to be cowed down by all my tactics to avoid the question? Noooo, sir!!! she went n called my mom the figure out whether i'm keeping the fast or not!!!! I can still feel the blood boiling in my head when I think of this. My mom was noncommital, but she later told me that i should keep it, coz MIL really wants me to keep it.
Well.... FUCK YOU all!!!... here i am keeping the damn fast, becoz MIL wants me to, n i'm pissed beyond belief. i'm alone at home, and i know i can go ahead and eat whatever i want, but i havent, coz somewhere inside me i've told myself that I AM going to do this... just so that i can cribb later about it!!!!
p.s. thats not to mention how i've already gone wrong with the fast!!! MIL told me to get up b/w 4.30-5am and eat something, coz im going to be hungry all day. Bizarre custom! i chose not to get up... reason being... if i want to get up before sunrise n eat something, its my freaking choice!!! I decided i didnt! so, i slept through that Oh-so-crucial-hour in the morning, only to find an unpleasant atmosphere in the house when i woke up. Hubby was talking to MIL in hushed tones over the phone, disclosing the insufferable crime i'd committed, and how i probably deserved to rott in hell for the rest of my living days.... well... i dunno... what they were discussing, but the conversation was cut short the minute i got up...Gawd!!! what's with men and being mama's boy's all the freaking time!!! dont u people get sick of it... i mean, get ure own identity in place... ure own thought process... what the hell have u been educated for if ure gonna turn around n cling onto mom's saree for the rest of ure lives... not the mention look at every woman in ure life through ure mom's lense!!!! GAWD!!!! its just so biased!!!
anyway... so when i spoke to her i clearly asked her.." getting up n eating before dawn was a matter of ritual or choice?"
MIL: " Ritual" ... (FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!) anyway... never mind now... just dont eat or drink anything till late evening today"
Me" I wont.."
So here i am... ive fought with the hubby on his freaking day coz he didnt tell me that getting up in the morn was a matter of ritual!!! he claims" how am i to know" ... well ure mom's been keeping the damn fast for the last 30 years... if u dont know who knows?!
Fuck u...fuck u... fuck u all
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
I tried long and hard to find a job and each disappointment has sent me further into my shell. The latest has come at a point when I thought the job was practically in my pocket... they asked me for my details, my previous salary slip etc., i was told that an offer was in the making... and so I waited.... I am still waiting. After 2 weeks of a constant mind fuck, I finally called them to figure out that its not happening. and whom do I have to blame... the financial meltdown.
I'd made pledges... promises to myself... to work hard... prove myself, do better than my best. I had dreams which no longer matter. I wanted to be someone too... maybe not the CEO of the next big financial conglomerate, but to be successful...and now... my mental strength is vaining... the heart doesnt cooperate with the head... the mind cannot face anymore rejections.
Today...I am defunt... this machine is has rusted.
They say be strong... BUT i'm finished...
Thursday, October 09, 2008
people who dont lie very often find it doubly hard to lie, is it not?
I credit myself with being an honest person ( more or less) but sometimes, when things arent going exactly as planned, I do lie... it's not compulsive... its just a means to an end. Most of the times I just forget about it and then there are others ( like right now) when the guilt is ready to eat me alive!!!
Ok... so i did something major... and then to cover it up, I lied... now if i'd lied to my mom or dad or hubby, it'd might still be excusible, but I didnt. I dont want to get into the details of it, coz its just tooo utterly, totally, absolutely humiliating... however at this point in time, I feel like a piece of shit... scared that my lie will be caught, and everyone I love will be soooo disappointed in me.
The other way is to just come out with it... but just like lying, one needs guts for that too... so I'm in this moral dilemma, where my brain is rotting with guilt and I simply dont have the courage to confess.
therefore, I find myself praying... gawd! i feel like such a hypocrite even saying this... but yes, its true... have been praying that the lie doesnt get caught, and I'm able to work things out smoothly.
I'm never gonna lie about MAJOR things again! ...Hypocrite...!! why lie about small things either?!
Tell me one person who's never lied in his/ her life. Do they exist? I dont think so. And if u do a major gocchi then where do u go and hide?! what do I do.... this boat is sinking!
Monday, October 06, 2008
of an unknown girl of 18 who died... of the cigarettes i've been smoking since i was 18... of the father whom i dont know, but love since i could reason.... of the illnesses which plague me, my family. i am but a muddle of thoughts right now.
His hands keep shaking... lifting that cuppa tea, or that spoon to eat... and he goes to get it checked... they say that the shivers which run through his nerves might be the early signs of Parkinsons disease... and i feel the tear running down my face as he tells me... i love him... daddy.... Oh! daddy! Daddy daddy daddy.
I ponder at the unexpectedness of it all.. of the swiftness with which he changed from the young dad to the old man... his face hangs and his eyes droop... and it scares me when i look at him... coz i need him... i need them both... my only solace... my only consolation... the beats which keep me ticking.
She fainted a month ago... her sugar was high... i know the diesease is eating her alive... I hug her to feel bones alone... the flesh slowly disappearing... and the physical pain inside my chest is unbearable... coz I love.
Ans so i think... why love? detach... but how does one detach from those that matter ... for those who make ure life meaningul... for those who give u reason to smile.... coz I love... therefore I am in pain.
Sunday, October 05, 2008
we've been competing since childhood, havent we? trying to win the rat race... trying to earn that extra buck... trying to get the best scores... trying to be the one to reckon with... trying to be IT ALL...
2 incidents come to mind when I think of what competitive sport... or competition per se means to me:
1) Am in the process of trying to master the spanish language... am nowhere close! started learning a month and a half ago... muy bien!! So there i am mugging the vocabulary to the core... trying to understand the difference between ' ER' verbs and ' AR' verbs... reflexive versis regular verbs... and it is slowly driving me insane... but then again, i need to be on top of things... so i struggle and I cry and I prepare for the mid-term exam.
Hubby sees my enthusiasm... gets into the groove himself... takes a day off work, so he can study just as much... i study harder, seeing him pacing up and down the room and mugging away.
We head towards the exam centre... i'm still flipping through my books in the car... we sit one seat apart... the examination begins..... tic toc tic toc... and i'm frantically churning out all the vocabulary i can come up with... it is but complicated...
He peeps into my paper once... twice... thrice... and i let him cheat from me... coz that's what we did in school and college... that was almost the norm ... wasnt it? u dont hide ure answers from a friend in need... especially if he's ure hubby, ya?!
i submit my paper... and he submits his... the profesora says she'll check the papers then and there... Sure... why not? i wait...hanging on to every mark which i get, as i watch her check my paper.... finally... vocab+ comprehension= 69/75.... WOW!!!! thats not bad at all for a start! am thrilled...
she begins checking hubby's paper... i'm holding onto every mark... i know inspite of myself i WANT to score better than him... I studied harder than him, for christ sake!!! ... vocab+ comprehension= 71.5/75... he's gloating... he's crossed the '70 mark' ... he's showing off!!!
I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!! I control myself, gather my things and we head home... am in constant conversation with myself, and none with him... he cannot fathom my behaviour... i know i'm being unreasonable... am sulking.... non stop... and yet there are tears pricking me at the back of my eyes... and i want to hit him for cheating from me and then going and scoring better than me... and i go on to ruin the day by being cold and mean ... but i cannot bring myself to tell him why... i cannot bring myself to admit that i was feeling like shit because of 1 1/2 mark!!! ....and i'm a child again...
2) We play badminton on weekends... it was my idea... i know i'm a better player than him... have been playing longer.... practicing harder and simply know the tactics of the game... it's been 4 weeks since we started playing, and invariably i win.... but somewhere along the way, he's figured out my game... he knows where i'll hit, he can counter the drop shots and the smashes... and he knows where to hit, where i wont be able to reach the shuttle. I cheat. i dont deny it... but so does he... there is no net... there are no boundaries... we play in the backyard... and so the game is rough... unfair...and simply rude. Today he won the first game... I, the second... him the third... I, the fourth....BUT... i didnt start out well... I lost the first game... and that was all that was needed to get me fuming... i started hitting all over the court... i deliberately made him run... hit the shuttle in corners which were unfair...and even though we were even at the end of the game... i was feeling like shit... why? because i played unfair... because i knew that somehow my victory was hollow... the games i'd won, were not mine to begin...
so i lashed out at him... coz that's what people do... when u know that u've wronged, all ure defenses stand up... and i told him that today's was a crappy game, and he played badly. Did he expect the shuttle to fall into his lap? wasnt a game meant that he needed to move around in court? what the hell was he doing... blah... blah... blah....
And THEN I say i'm competitive....
I just realised ... i'm a sore loser... and i think almost 90% of us are... it just takes a lot of heart to end the game with a smile on ure face... I feel like shit
Sunday, July 27, 2008
I've been watching them go by... in a haze... coz thats what i do... thats what I know... thats what i like...
i will believe that one of these days things will hit me... i'll digest what ive done... i'll understand the lives i've linked to mine... till then... i'm just a silent observer
Friday, June 27, 2008
Hmm... what do I tell u? That I'm happily married and living a life of bliss or that finally dreams are becoming a reality.
I probably shouldve listened... should have thought some more... analysed... rationalised... but my decision making ability had gone for a six, and continues to be missing till date.
So how were the last two months, u ask? A haze, I tell u...
I look at the husband and rarely recognize him... I look at myself in the mirror and try to talk.. "ure married now, things have changed... life is different... things dont happen the way they used to when u were single and free"
Well.. the concept suddenly seems overrated.... and now that i'm neck deep into shit... I wanna get out and how!!!
Ofcourse... there are few choices when one is in a situation such as mine ... and so i continue to break head over the inevitability of it all.
There are a few things which I have discovered about myself since the wedding:
- I'm a highly individualistic person... its next to impossible to share myself with anyone... I just love myself too much... or dont?
- I've put people into soo many stereotypes all my life, that now its impossible not to categorise. Impossible not to laugh at tradition... impossible not to note conformism... impossible not to be the rebel in a norm bound society.
- I'm probably in greater mental trouble than I had anticipated initially. The mind plays games with you, if u allow it too... but what happens when u let the mind dictate u completely. When u are no seperate from ure irrational thoughts... when u are the thoughts... when u are ruled by them... when u get panic attacks simply from thinking too much... when the hair on the back of ure neck stand and u feel heat, simply because u see a black hole called life stretching out infront of u. Who says that the picture of that life cannot be happy... it can be... but when the mind clouds ure head with negativity.
When the inclination to fix ure life leaves u...
How do I bring myself to make an effort... for him... for myself... how can u make ureself love someone who is a complete antithesis of anyone u ever wanted to be with.
Now that the deed is done... how do I carry on?
Tuesday, March 18, 2008
I met a stranger and now strange things seem to be happening to me. I decided to do the unexpected, and now the unexpected is happening to me.
I'm getting married... on the 19th of April...to a man whom I met a month ago.
Life has been moving like a tornado since I made the decision. Facts and fiction blurred. Is it MY wedding or someone else's?
The woman who lives in a dream, has been hit by reality, and doesnt know where to turn.
Don't ask me how I did it... how I said yes. I've tried to decipher that exact question ever so often in the last month. I look at myself in the mirror and am not certain that it's me...
He is everything my parents want... and at some level so do I. I wanted to be with someone who respected me... and here I have all the respect in the world. I wanted to be appreciated for who I am.. and that is exactly what is happening.
And yet...the past haunts me... my decisions haunt me... my life haunts me....I haunt me.
The mentally deranged woman in me screams again and again. The Rudali crying inside of me... what do I want? Dunno. Just to let it out.
Thursday, January 03, 2008
Have been living in a shell for the last month. Happily? Sadly? Dunno.
Didnt feel the need to share... to communicate... to speak. Underground. Ground under.
Christmas... New Years... came and went. Nothing overwhelming... until yesterday.
Yesterday, I got up and I knew I was going to make the move. Do something. What?
I didnt know until afternoon. and then it came to me. I couldnt take it anymore. I just had to hear his voice.
I made the call.
"How're you doing?"
" Who's that?"
" It's me."
" Oh... Hiii! How r u?"
"Good. Nice of you to have called"
" Only because you sent me the 'Happy New Year' message"
" I missed you on New Years, was in Goa"
" So did I."
" Should I call you once I'm back in Delhi? I'm back by evening today."
" You do that. Bye"
Brief. Revealing. Short. Long.
By evening, there were pin pricks at the base of my feet. I met a friend for a drink. One drink. Two drink. Three Drink. Happy. Ready to do anything. In my head, my decision was made... I was going to say bye to the friend and go meet him. I couldnt tell her, so I pretended to go home and then called him the minute I sat in the car. I detected the surprise in his voice.
I suggested we meet. It didnt take him half a second to think. I was on my way to his place.
We met. We met... we met. 3 months too long. He stepped out, shivering. The hood of his jacket covering his head and the Goan sun slowly dying in his eyes.
I loved him that second... and I know I will always love him. There is no turning back. But there is a dream which we lived together and which is as vivid in my head as the second which just passed.
We went for a coffee. I wanted to touch his face. I took his permission He granted it happily. I lived my dream, in that touch.
We had coffee... made small talk. Headed home. He shook my hand goodbye. I looked at him.
The moment existed and it was real... and then it passed.