Friday, September 28, 2007

Tabula Rasa

I went to Tabula Rasa.
Inspite of all the apprehension... I made sure I was there... to hear the music!!

(How I lie to myself is not funny. I do it on a daily basis. Its disgusting)

I met him there. I knew I would. The minute I stepped in, my searching eyes spotted him.
He came up to me and spoke... was nice, in a polite sort of way. An obligation of a conversation. Death of a conversation. We went to separate corners and pretended to enjoy the music ( at least I was pretending)
I was shaky. Kept looking left and right. Friend told me to stop behaving like that, to look composed, like I couldn't care less. I tried. But I was obviously not doing a good job of it.
Had 2 more beers, mustered up some guts and said hello again. After 2 mins of cordial, 'How've u been?'... the beer started telling in my tone. Weird questions started emerging from nowhere and found my voice to express themselves.
'So, seeing someone now?'
'Who's the 'bitch ure with?' ( yes... I said that!Post which nose-dived into 'I hate all the bitches who lay eyes on you' tangent for 15 min...also went to the extent of saying that I would like to sock the bitch with you at that moment. I'm the bitch here.)
'U thought u could experiment with me some more ya?'

This was just a tiny peep into my endless list of fucked-up-questions-which-should-never-have been-thought-leave-alone-asked!!!

I'm so embarrassed and disappointed with myself. Like I didn't hate myself enough, I had to go and prove to him that...YES SIR! I AM WEAK. I AM NOT TAKING THIS WELL. I AM CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED.... IN SIMPLE WORDS... I'M FULL OF SHIT ANYWAY, SO WHY DON'T U SHIT ON ME SOME MORE... STARTING NOW!!

I wanna die.


Medeival Pundits and Indian Ocean are playing tonight at Tabula Rasa.

I want to go.
Itching to go.
Simultaneously don't want to go.
Itching to run into my shell.

I know the reason for both.
Can you guess it?

Thursday, September 27, 2007

Her Random Thoughts

Wanna write... say so many things. How do I frame my sentences? How should I word myself so that you understand exactly what I'm talking about.
Is there a word beyond relatability or empathy, which will be able to make you see how I feel this very second?

listening to Sheryl Crow interspersed with Tori Amos. Mismatched moods... disjointed thoughts... consequently am jumping from one plane to another within my own mind space.


She was on her way to meet mom. Somewhat detatched from all the happenings around her. She crossed the road in a dream and reached Mcdonalds. Thats where they were to meet for lunch.
Pleasant conversations interspersed with hints.... Men.... a Man.... Mr 23?!
The conversation slowly turned ugly. Sharpness in the voice.

The table behind her had people from work. She was embarassed of the scene which was in the making. She wanted to disappear.... ironically .... into her mom's arms somewhere.
She didnt mind the argument in itself... she had already left it behind her.
She watched herself talk from in between the folds of her mom's salwar. She smiled at her own incredulous words. She was still a child at 26, and mom was the only person with whom she could be her true self.
She was nasty... mean... to the person whom she could die for. Coz she knew she'd be forgiven. She always had been.
She cursed the Men... the Man. she cursed family,
And when emotion ran dry, she tried indifference. It all worked ...tears stung mom's eyes...coz mom didnt know that she was just a pawn... in a game created by her over imaginative heartless daughter.

Lunch ended. She got up to head back towards work. The atmosphere was sapped of energy. With tired expressions they parted ways.

As she walked towards the road, she felt guilty. She always felt guilty. She always did this and then felt guilty. Always realising later that there was she and only she doing the talking... and it had all been real... not a dream. She was not hiding in mom's lap. She was real. The argument was real. Mom was real. Every emotion was real. Life was real. Life was unfair. Life should'nt be like this. Life cannot be so unfair. She had done nothing to loose herself to her thoughts. She had done nothing to live a double life within herself. She did nothing. Then why?

She watched the traffic speed past. she saw herself walk through it.. not dodge it... but walk through it. She saw herself hit by a red truck with an angry face. She saw herself lying soaked in blood... relieved.

Redlight. She crossed over and reached her destination. She met him. She narrated the details of the meeting.

She saw his face fall. She did nothing.

Once again, she had broken his heart in cold blood. She did it on a daily basis. Had become a natural at it!

Somewhere, she also wanted to hug him and tell him she's sorry for being cruel. She was sorry for all the pain. She was sorry for becoming the person she had become.
Every ounce of emotion squeezed out.

From a distance, she saw herself holding him, crying, with him.

But standing there, she did nothing. No tears came. She felt nothing... coz she wasnt there. She had disappeared... somewhere in her mom's salwar... or in the screaming traffic.
She had been leading a life which didnt belong to her in the first place, so how could she give it to him?

'If Only's' went through her head. In a different time, in a different space, when she was a different she... things would have been different.

If only she really existed.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

TOI... My Love

Spirits have lifted!

Woke up today from sound sleep. Completely blank. Can't recall any nightmares...
A great achievement, considering my state of total disarray in the mornings.

Haven't been watching TV for a while now, so had completely missed the action on the Indian team's arrival in Mumbai.
Went to the dining table... sorted through the Express, HT and Hindu, to locate my favorite... TOI.... and boy! is it my favorite.
Today... I have finally uncovered the reason why I love this paper so much. The entire front page spread has a massive picture of the Indian cricket team on their ' vijay rath' surrounded by millions and millions of people... somewhere on Marine Drive ( I think).
Yes... all the papers covered the story... all of them put it as front page news... but TOI ( my love) took things a step further, giving it a full page spread!!!

Call me a sucker for sensationalism... but how else is a paper expected to make a mark in the heart of so much competition.

That is not to say, that I'm against objective journalism... but it's about that sixth sense... about how to hit a nerve with the consumer. It is also a combination of the overall look, colour scheme, placement of news etc... but when every paper is showcasing the same news ( maybe a Hindu and Indian Express are even giving me some more intelligent analysis) then why is it that TOI is the largest circulating English Daily in the country?

The reason being... TOI just knows what the reader wants. Not the first time, TOI has proved that it's a notch above the rest... however...


They did it again... Grabbed my attention, and I'm certain of many others as well.

I love my TOI :)

Tuesday, September 25, 2007

Dear God

Paint the town red
Use my viens instead
Milk them dry
Till the end

Can I be of help?
While you shred
The remaining gob
Of an existence unknown?

I promise not to scream
In anticipation of the high
Enchanting surprise
For slow death

It might be fun
To watch from afar
As structure blends
Into nothingness

I anticipate euphoria
During your filthy pleasure
With a lewd itch for
Fruition in the waiting

My dehydrated eyes
Accept my coaxing
You know you want to

Static Progress

As anticipated... the day has begun on a sour note.

Have been bombarded with phone calls by folks outlining the merits of 'mystery prospective (fucking) groom'

Its pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

My reactions have been most non-commital. Considering the extent of my anger at this entire situation, all I did was hear them out... quietly.

Silence is dangerous... it can be misjudged for acceptance. I deliberately let them misjudge my silence and now I'm regretting it.

Regretting it? I'm not sure... I'm simply confused over the course of action I should undertake. Post lunch, I am expecting a photograph, which I've been told to approve. Because...

"The family is good... the guy is good... blah... blah... blah... "

A part of me revolts strongly at the thought of getting married to a complete stranger... I mean... who the hell is he? Where did he come from? what if he's a wife beater?

Another part of me questions my own decisions... Have I not had enough of experimenting? Past breakups... present fuck ups.

Am I in control of my own life, to be able to make a wise decision for myself?

Bad Day

Its 7.30am ... n I cant sleep.

for some it might be the ideal time to wake up... kick start the day with a li'l yoga, laughing club etc.

For me... It's just plain EARLY !!! :)

India won the match, ya?! I spent the evening celebrating... was fantastic. Considering my scorn towards Indian sports and Cricket in particular...I was happy that we managed to win SOMETHING!!

Just being nasty there... excuse me!

No, man!!! We played well... throughout the tournament. It was a well deserved victory, and I gave it it's due by rightly celebrating.

And then I came home... hit the bed. But that little devil of an escape eluded me and I was tossing throughout the night trying to grab it... if only for a few seconds.

Kept having reality checks through the night:
Wondering "Is this really happening???"

And I got pin pricks behind my neck, and a queasy feeling in my stomach.
Had a smoke which didn't help. Was cold from time to time... and then hot and flushed. got up... charged around the room. No help.

n now I'm wide awake, with a fuck-all headache... pissed off.
Today's gonna be a baaadddd day...

Noone come in my way!!

Sunday, September 23, 2007

Men. Men. Men

Weekends... oh! weekends!

What a weekend.

Out partying... 2 movies in 2 days... lots of action, no conciliation... with myself.

Kept myself distracted through the last two days. Went out and indulged in mindless activites.
But you know the mind... it never stops, does it?!

New developments happen simultaneously... parents have presented me with a new predicament. Another man.
As always... the need to see me settled, surpasses any other depressive tendencies of mine which they need to help me with from time to time.

I hear out the proposal. In their voice, I detect the eagerness veiled with apprehension. after all, how many men have I rejected on the basis of xyz criteria. I rejected a guy on the basis of his moustache.

For christ sake! Who does that? How superficial am I?????!!

But I ask u, my friends, an honest, serious question... in this day and age, which sane man keeps a moustache? And...if he does keep a moustach.... then is it a reflection of a way of thinking or not????

Men. Men. Men.

They're getting on my nerves... from every angle possible. Breathing fire down my neck and pumping poison in my blood. Wanting a piece of me while killing my mind and soul.
The extreme sense of revulsion I feel towards these species of blood sucking maggots, suprises me.
Question being... am I ever likely to get over this? Any inclination to give... to do something for someone is gone. And now another man who wants to enter my zone of madness.


Would it interest him to know that I'm not the kind of girl one gets settled with. I will ... in all likelyhood drive myself and him crazy with my own dementia.

Maybe, I shall communicate with the man... have a real conversation... put my cards on the table... reveal my true nature... and then let him judge whether he really wants to do this.
If I were him... I'd pack my bags and run as fast as I can!!! hahaha!

Ive decided to have some fun with this situation... to create some excitement in my boring life. Give the guy a dose. After all, he's decided to invade my privacy at a time when I'm nicely curled up in my shell... sulking.
I know I'm sulking... and I want to... for a while. Till I find my smile again. He might want to plant that smile on my face... but do I want him to, is the question. Hmmmm... lemme see.... no! Thank you, mister. I'm doing just fine without you!!!!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 20, 2007


I have become cold. Like stone.
You may even call me a bitch. I'm ok. It doesnt matter to me anymore.

Yes, I am one... and it doesnt make a fig of a difference to me.

I trampled all over Mr.23's feelings today. hacked them. Slaughtered them... in cold blood. Without emotion.
And I didnt feel a thing.

It's a bad time to be in love with me. I'm not in the mood right now. I don't feel like giving and I don't feel like compromising... on anything... for anything... for anyone.

I feel bad... in a cold sort of way. I'm hurting him... breaking his heart... but then how many fucking times has my heart been broken by men.

Infact, at some level am even taking out my anger against the male species in general, on Mr.23.
It's cruel to be so cruel. It's unfair to him as an individual... leave alone man. I've told him a dozen times to stay away from me... I'm not ok... I'm not right for him... I'm messed up.... but the guy doesnt give up. And so... he comes in the path of my anger and burns his fingers.

Noone can come along... claim to love me... and then fuck me over. Not this time, buster! Uh Huh... not happening.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Strange Happenings

A few strange things :

The First:

I found myself borrowing some books day before yesterday. At that point I did not really think much about it. Was happy to be reading authors whom I havent really read in the past.
I picked up Nausea by Sartre, Laughable Loves by Milan Kundera, Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche.

Started by reading Laughable Loves. A book of short stories on relationships and the underlying thoughts which make them. The stories are unlike any I have read till date. Revealing insights into the psyche of men and women. Short. Crisp and moving.
Every thought has been articulated beautifully and leaves me questioning my very understanding of the opposite sex (But then I am a poor judge of character, per say!)
However... would recommend it to anyone interested in more than just mills and boons.

So, there I am... trying to read Laughable Loves during even a second of free time. Therefore, carried it to office yesterday... and then very conveniently left it on my desk ( aaarrggh! hate myself for being so forgetful!) Reached home and started missing it terribly.
So decided to flip to Sartre.

The lead character of the book is writing a diary, and I read the first two pages of it.
The protagonist feels something has been changing slowly... either within him, or in his surroundings. Every movement, every act is different. From the way the fork looks to when he tries to turn the door knob. He is unable to fathom the reason for this change... however the change exists.

So... there I am, sitting on the pot, reading Sartre... and suddenly a thought strikes me-

Why is it that I found these books now? Of all the books I could've borrowed, why did I borrow the ones I did? How is it that, what I've been feeling lately is reflected within the pages I am reading?

I've been amazed at this thought... things happen... one doesnt know how they happen... but they do...

I chanced upon these books NOW... and NOT a few years earlier... in another space and time.

It's strange... and I've been feeling even more unreal since this thought popped into my head. Is there a god? Am not really religious by nature... but have been thinking... is it possible that there is some force which is making things happen the way they are happening?

The Second:

Randomly sitting and eating butter chicken and naan ... after work... Tired...Exhausted.
Have mehndi on my hands from a wedding I attended last weekend.
I start talking palmistry with Mr.23... and he claims to be a bit of an expert. I smile disbelievingly, but put my hand forward. the lines are hardly visible behind the dirty orange-brown plastered all over them.
He tries to study my palm carefully. I'm waiting for a revelation sarcastically.

"You're bordering on insanity"

The hair behind my neck stand up, and I feel a chill run down my spine. I laugh artificially.
He's serious, " No, look... this line here is slanting downwards.. it implies either depression or insanity"
I reply defensively" What do u know about palmistry... besides I have mehndi on my hands... you can barely tell the lines. So.. skip it."
He's firm, " Ive read plenty of books, and I know what I'm talking about"
I'm indifferent and decide that I dont want to talk about it any further.

But I'm scared... He's let words escape into the air, which I am afraid to say to myself.
I know... somewhere in there... I'm crazy... I create a facade around me ... with a smiling face and nice hello's... but behind it all... lerks madness.


So.... what do I understand of these wierd happenings. Am I reading too much into them?
Overdoing the thinking is simply part of my character... unlikely to change.

But there's something strange going on in my world... and I don't know what it is.

Rambling Thoughts

Two posts in one day...
must be pretty zonked today.

Tried to concentrate on work... managed it.... but my thoughts were constantly interspersed with flights of imagination.

Had my ipod glued to my ears... I like it that way. The music hasnt really helped me calm down, instead... only contributed to this out of body experience which Ive been having lately.
I changed the music yesterday... and have somehow managed to put music which resonates with my thoughts.

So instead of lifting my spirits, it put me in more of a contemplative mood.

I like it somehow.

I'm one of those people who like to dwell in their misery. Irony of it all- I have nothing to be miserable about.

For days on an end, have been trying to pin point what the problem is... but this sense of loss just doesnt seem to leave me.

Mr. 23 has been a support... but my heart tells me it's not enough. I would like to communicate about my feelings to him, but am unable to. He reads my face... sends me messages asking what wrong... and yet, not a word comes out of my mouth.
How do I explain to the man, that I'm lost. I'm not aware of myself or my surroundings? that I'm doing things the way they should be done...but my spirit is missing.

He tries to touch my heart... at some level, he manages. But the emotions comes and go. It's not fair to him or to myself. But I'm losing control of my body and mind.

I type these empty words... hoping I'm making some sense to anyone who's reading them. I'm unable to relate to you, stranger. I'm not in a happy place right now... and havent been in that happy place for a while now.

What do u do when u've lost the capacity to respond. When ure unable to decipher the difference between two emotions. am I depressed? Am I in mourning? Am I living in uncertainty? What am I searching for?

I apologize for the endless rambling... but ure my only outlet.
Maybe somewhere someone understands what I'm saying... has gone through the same and understood what this is.

Coz it's not normal.... that's for sure.

The question being, what is? am I the only sham in town? Are there others? Is everyone a sham?

I need something... what? I dunno.

I get up feeling tired every morning from the nightmares. I go through the motions of the day, because I know I have to... I havent jeopardised my job... or anything else which is of any valuse in my life.


Tuesday, September 18, 2007

The End

Blue Fish
Pink Fish
Fin in Fin

Blue waters
Blushing hot
Kissed by the sun
Flurry of hurries

Criss-crossing the ridges
Playing predators
Over and Under

Oblivious to the danger

Convulsive shivers
Mangled flight
In mid-air
Fallen forever and ever after

Wake Up

No progress
only static

Wings clipped
Spirit broken

Every inch a mile

In the heart of the black hole

Surreal Mornings

Wake Up
Before you're eaten

Monday, September 17, 2007

'Un'- Human

I wonder whether u'd understand if I told u I wasn't feeling human.

Yes... I've not been feeling human lately.
it's a strange sort of a feeling I've been getting... days have been passing me by... and I'm doing things mechanically.
Office... home... going out... movies....
But somehow... through every moment... whether fun or not... I've been empty.
As though a part of me has died... and the person performing these acts is actually not the real me.

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, just to reaffirm the fact that I exist... and I'm not just some random object floating around the place.

But the unrealness is so real... its hard to explain.

Day and night... routine... I'm watching it happen... from a distance.

I do all the right things, and say all the right words, and manage to emerge victorious through the day.... but its not me.

I've died... and the emptiness inside me re-affirms that.

I live in the past.... or I live in the future... but I'm missing right now.

And the knot in my chest 24-7 re-affirms that.

I don't know myself and I don't have any desires. I dont love myself and I don't love anyone else. I'm a sham. A non entity.

I'm nowhere
I'm nobody
I don't exist
I am a shadow of the person I used to be

Lost.... somewhere... in the act of growing up.

Sunday, September 09, 2007

Another Nightmare

Im amazed at my ability at getting nightmares. Assuming dreams are actually a reflection of one's hidden/ sub conscious thought...

I've just discovered that I'm pretty fucked up, dude!!! ;)

The Dream:

I'm getting married to a very close friend. I'm wearing a orange- yellow saree, no makeup, no jewellery. Both me and the groom look miserable. It's a christian wedding, and we have a ' November-Rain'-video kind of a faux pas with the rings... my dad emerges with a ring from somewhere... it's not nice.

Old school friends (whom I've hated like forever) appear for my wedding, giving me pitying looks. It's not nice.

My so-called husband is in love with someone else and so am I.. we both are constantly thinking of the other, while we try to look happy.... it's not nice.

Suddenly, I'm my sitting in the wedding crowd, next to Mr.23... we're looking at each other... longingly.

Next... i'm in my drawing room, and the ex is standing wearing a pink tight t-shirt... looking like a typical rich punjabi Delhi guy. I cant recall the conversation.

But I get up feeling uneasy... at the same time with a sense of relief... thank god it was a dream.

My analysis of the same suggests....

I'm pretty messed up somewhere in there... inspite of the facade of normalcy

Damn the system!!!!