Monday, December 03, 2007
Today, I travelled an hour to get to office, only to fight with the parking lot attendents for 1/2 hour.
I come upstairs to the 7th floor, to fight with the admin over the rudeness of the guards. I am pacified. Post 1/2 hr I'm questioned by the admin people about the exact loaction of my car. I am subtly told that it is ' reserved parking' for the freaking seniors. I obviously dont fit in.
I find my seat, and discover that I'm sitting next to just about THE MOST boring people in office. I try to change my seat, however am not permitted.
I dont have a chair, so I steal one. I dont have a mouse so I borrow one.
I have a spare monitor sitting on my desk, which I would like to simply pick up and throw out the 7th floor. Wont that be a sight?!!
She's finally lost it. Yes... it was coming all along... and now its finally happened.
I'm giving up on this place... and I can feel the anger bubbling under.
Is quitting an option? Do people quit because they dont get parking space in the morning. Can I set an example?
For all u fools out there.... can I lead ure way? I promise u, I wont disappoint.
Thursday, November 22, 2007
Monday, November 05, 2007
Stubbed the cigarettes. Hid the alcohol. Smoked the joints over. And sobered out.
It was time to meet the parents.
The dress designers consisted of mom and mausi. Clear instructions were handed out
" Underdress... without too much makeup" Followed the ruled, blindly.
A red and black suit.. natural makeup... no lipstick. Looked sorted. The kind of a girl every ma-in-law craves for. ( well... maybe!)
They entered... full of warmth and laughter. I sat... surrounded... shy inspite of myself. Have never been scrutinised like this before. So just didnt know how to react. spoke when spoken to. Laughed at the right points. Smiled when was smiled at. I was all nerves, and I knew it... maybe even they knew it.
They went out of their way to make me comfortable. I liked it. I liked them. I pictured myself hugging the mom. The thought didnt suffocate me to death. It seemed possible.
Infact, it happened!!! On her way out.. the lady turns around and hugs me tight ... " now its upto u, beta. "
Upto me?! Huh? come to think about it... maybe.
I went and looked at myself in the mirror later. Not a bad looking girl, I say. Show Stopper? No. Head Turner? Yes.
I want things to work. For once. I'm trying to be open about this. Besides that unbelievable smile has gone and gotten stuck somewhere in my throat... between my wind pipe and heart. I breathe it everyday. I look at it atleast once a day to figure out what it means.
Which is why I'm scared. When you want things real bad, and they are close to materializing, and you want the forces to work in your favour... its times like those that disappointment is hard to take.
Questions race through my mind... what if we dont click? What if he doesnt like me? the thought of me not liking him, crosses my mind... but I doubt it. If he's a reflection of his parents... he'll be nice. I'm certain. ... sorta certain! I hope!
I have to wait... patiently. Till Dec end. He's coming. We will meet. But so far, life seems to have started moving.... positively.
Tuesday, October 30, 2007
I would like to articulate the reasons, but they elude me... or I pretend they do.
I peep into the blackhole called 'future' and it scares me.
I walk left and right, thinking of nothing... something. Uneasy.. as always.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, till my chest feels heavy and my mouth goes dry. I want to throw up, but I havent eaten anything.
I long for ma. she's coming this weekend... the days crawl by. I dream a bad dream and I get up with a heavy head.
Unable to smile... so I perfect the fake.
Sunday, October 21, 2007
I took the first step towards investing in a major project- a car.
Bought a Santro Xing GLS... wine red.
No more getting baked in the heat... no more discomfort... no more bearing the bumps on the roads. Exhilerating.
Have been behaving like a psychopath, ever since I was handed the key. Screaming and shouting at every loser on the road. Praying that people maintain a one-arm distance from my beauty. Honking like there's no tom. ( that's when I hate people who use the horn non-stop while driving!)
Got the entire security system in place and will be buying the music system very soon. Top of the line, with an USB port and MP3 player. It's required.
Have been driving that run down 800 for 3 years now, and the Santro comes like a breath of fresh air, after years of pure torture.
The nervousness was obvious, when I went with mom to buy sweets and then the temple. Being dusshera yesterday, the roads were packed to the hilt, and my mom was sadly subjected to my endless list of abuses, meant for insensitive scooterists and drivers. At one point, I screamed... asking her to shut her door, for I saw cars zipping past... and had an unreal vision of a car breaking the door of my new love on the very first day she walked into my life. My mom looked at me aghast... " Baby u're getting phobic. just relax."
I retaliated" I'll get out and slap anyone who dares to touch my car."
Living in Delhi... the car is bound to undergo her share of scratches and bumps. however... I hope to protect her, till its humanly possible!
On my way to work today, almost went crazy when I got stuck in a traffic jam. Neck to neck driving with angry scooterists trying to inch through the little space between cars, drove me up the wall. I sat, red alert... managing to reach office, without a scartch. Whew!
I was trying to observe the vehicles on the road last evening... and I wasnt able to spot a single one, which didnt have a scratch, or a dent, or a bump. I felt sad.
Its gonna be tough... but I dont want to give up on my darling just yet. Give her up to the angry Delhi roads... subject her to the same shit which every car has gone through here.
I will fight for her rights!!!!
Super Excited... for now.
Tuesday, October 16, 2007
Though... i'd like to. I'd like to talk to him loadz. To laugh with him. To spend time with him. To see that innocent face again and again. To run away somewhere where noone questions... noone objects.
I'm proud of him this time. He's not said a word ( xcept for a few random messages here and there) He's let me be, just like I wanted. His self control is not as good as mine (I think) I've seen him on his knees. Its not a nice sight to see a man on his knees... but then, he's not a man. He's a boy. And I'm not a girl, I'm a woman (I think!). Who's to decide?
He promised to stay away from me and he did it. I'm proud of him.
I'm smoking like a chimney. I'd decided not to smoke on my Birthday. Yes... I turned 27 on the 11th of October. 12 o'clock and no party... no inclination for one either. Random calls which I didnt want to take... of people who cared... people who bothered to stay up till 12 to wish me. And I decided I didnt want to talk to anyone. So i didn't. Life has become so strange, that now caring for other people's emotions has become totally inconsequential. Indifference prevails.
My best friend in the whole world, messaged me Happy B'day... didnt call. That's Ok. Guess we're all going through our own self-created hell.
Spent the day in a meeting. Post which, tried to figure out, where I had pictured myself at 27. Not here. Not like this. I had my life sorted at 20. I'd mapped out the progression- great job, settled and ready to go. Where am I? A job where my boss is a living specimen of the cold-blooded species. A personal life where I fell 'out of love' with the 'love of my life' due to fuckall circumstances. Where I hurt a guy who loved me with a passion, I'm incapable of returning. So I spent the day huddled in a shell. Inconsolable. Longing for something... anything.
Ma calls me almost everyday now. I think she's worried about me (I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME! ) I listen to her monologue about eating good food, health ... the works (what's with mom's and food, i'll never figure that one out?!)
She called me repeatedly on d B'Day, wanting to know what i'm doing. Whether I'm partying my guts out or not. Whether I'm doing something new, other than going crazy.
I told her politely... "No, I'm going crazy all right. I like it that way. I'm not meeting anyone. Infact, am cutting off from the world. Going into hibernation. Its peaceful. Less troublesome."
She listened. A pained silence followed. An hour later she called again to ask the same questions.
I gave the same answers.
That was my B'day. I'm 27.
Monday, October 15, 2007
Every side I turn... a wall. I bang my head against it. I hurt. I bleed. And still no opening.
When things happen, and you lose control of them somewhere in the middle, what do you do?
When you wake up one day and realise that you have made a complete mess of your life, what do you do?
When you want to undo, but cant, what do you do?
When there is a thickness in your chest and a blob in your throat all day long, what do you do?
When you're screaming silently through a regular conversation, what do you do?
When you'd like to freefall off a cliff into an endless pit forever, what do you do?
I dont know what to do.
Home... away from the mess around me. But how do I fight the mess within?
I went to the old man to help me fight. He tried. He failed.
I lay endlessly with my head in ma's lap, the tears soaking her kurta. She stroked my hair to calm me down. Sleep came, suddenly. She sat there for hours. Watching me... maybe praying for her daughter's sanity.
Underwent some therapy through shopping. spending money only gives temporary relief, I've realised.
Rummaged through the miniature library and chanced upon a book called, ' Conversations with the Master' by Satguru Jaggi Vasudev. Whatever. Tried self-help, wasn't in the mood for it. Wanted to let the frustration out.
Sleep evaded me, the restlessness inside taking over my mind and body. Afloat. Underground. Falling. Running against the whirlwind. And the tears didnt stop.
Took a million little minutes out to question them. Where was my centre? Focus. Balance. Lost.
I crave for peace. And it plays with me. I crave for certainty, and it laughs at me.
I've had a headache for days, and now even the head's stopped fighting it.
Is there someone listening?!
Monday, October 08, 2007
I once went to an old man (more than once actually) who looked at me long and hard. He was dark and wrinkled, with one glass eye. He had bad teeth and a crooked smile. But roughened hands with delicate fingers...those hands had done a lot, seen a lot. Those hands chose to help me....I let those hands help me.
He quietly listened to me, as tears ran down my cheek.
"Jo tu chahegi woh hee hoga"
I didnt believe him. He asked me to be patient. He wrote something on 3 pieces of paper with a yellow sketch pen. I watched the illegible handwriting. Watched as the beautiful hands drew words in Urdu which I didnt understand.
"Paani mein dalkar pee ja"
I went home... excited... apprehensive... scared.
I drank yellow water, and sat on the bed.
I heard mom calling me from a distance. I ran down the steps and started chatting with her. I read a book. Watched TV. Went to the market. But didnt cry...But didnt cry... But didnt think... But didnt remember the pain.
I'm going to him this weekend.
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
So, I'm listening to Cranberries,Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Mathews Band now..instead of Imogen Heap, Emiliana Torrini, and the likes! It helps.
So, am driving to office and the mind goes psycho on me again. But I dont allow the tears to come, as much as they give me an eye-ache, somewhere in there. Will exercise mental pressure from now on to suppress the overwhelming feeling of blob-in-throat, which haunts me 24-7.
Oh... not to forget... in the midst of all the mental fuck up, have also decided to try and quit nicotene today. Good step, bad timing. But think, it works within the larger thought of 'trying to get a grip on myself'. I'll be super proud if i'm able to quit NOW, and not any other time in my life. So lets do it.
All in all, I'm going to try and toughen myself as much as I can...
(cant ignore the 26 years of sheltered parental, educational, social environment within which I have existed, and which has resulted in this mega-emotional, over-sensitive nightmare that I am! It takes time...
Will take a while to realise that things happen, and there's nothing one can do about them, so I just gotto learn to deal with them.)
When I think about the course of events in the last 2 months, I realise that I've actually been going with the flow. Allowing myself to be swept away with the whirlwind, like a pale, dying leaf. In the hope of being rescued. Waiting for a miracle.
Tonly reality which is staring me in my face is - miracles don't happen... life happens... and one has to live with it.
Trying to wake up...slowly... painfully.
Making an attempt to get a grip. I cant say with complete conviction that I shall succeed. (Dont be surprised if u read another weird-ass post in a week's time!)
However, lets try.
Friday, September 28, 2007
Inspite of all the apprehension... I made sure I was there... to hear the music!!
(How I lie to myself is not funny. I do it on a daily basis. Its disgusting)
I met him there. I knew I would. The minute I stepped in, my searching eyes spotted him.
He came up to me and spoke... was nice, in a polite sort of way. An obligation of a conversation. Death of a conversation. We went to separate corners and pretended to enjoy the music ( at least I was pretending)
I was shaky. Kept looking left and right. Friend told me to stop behaving like that, to look composed, like I couldn't care less. I tried. But I was obviously not doing a good job of it.
Had 2 more beers, mustered up some guts and said hello again. After 2 mins of cordial, 'How've u been?'... the beer started telling in my tone. Weird questions started emerging from nowhere and found my voice to express themselves.
'So, seeing someone now?'
'Who's the 'bitch ure with?' ( yes... I said that!Post which nose-dived into 'I hate all the bitches who lay eyes on you' tangent for 15 min...also went to the extent of saying that I would like to sock the bitch with you at that moment. I'm the bitch here.)
'U thought u could experiment with me some more ya?'
This was just a tiny peep into my endless list of fucked-up-questions-which-should-never-have been-thought-leave-alone-asked!!!
I'm so embarrassed and disappointed with myself. Like I didn't hate myself enough, I had to go and prove to him that...YES SIR! I AM WEAK. I AM NOT TAKING THIS WELL. I AM CONSTANTLY DEPRESSED.... IN SIMPLE WORDS... I'M FULL OF SHIT ANYWAY, SO WHY DON'T U SHIT ON ME SOME MORE... STARTING NOW!!
I wanna die.
Thursday, September 27, 2007
Is there a word beyond relatability or empathy, which will be able to make you see how I feel this very second?
listening to Sheryl Crow interspersed with Tori Amos. Mismatched moods... disjointed thoughts... consequently am jumping from one plane to another within my own mind space.
She was on her way to meet mom. Somewhat detatched from all the happenings around her. She crossed the road in a dream and reached Mcdonalds. Thats where they were to meet for lunch.
Pleasant conversations interspersed with hints.... Men.... a Man.... Mr 23?!
The conversation slowly turned ugly. Sharpness in the voice.
The table behind her had people from work. She was embarassed of the scene which was in the making. She wanted to disappear.... ironically .... into her mom's arms somewhere.
She didnt mind the argument in itself... she had already left it behind her.
She watched herself talk from in between the folds of her mom's salwar. She smiled at her own incredulous words. She was still a child at 26, and mom was the only person with whom she could be her true self.
She was nasty... mean... to the person whom she could die for. Coz she knew she'd be forgiven. She always had been.
She cursed the Men... the Man. she cursed family, friends...mom...dad.
And when emotion ran dry, she tried indifference. It all worked ...tears stung mom's eyes...coz mom didnt know that she was just a pawn... in a game created by her over imaginative heartless daughter.
Lunch ended. She got up to head back towards work. The atmosphere was sapped of energy. With tired expressions they parted ways.
As she walked towards the road, she felt guilty. She always felt guilty. She always did this and then felt guilty. Always realising later that there was she and only she doing the talking... and it had all been real... not a dream. She was not hiding in mom's lap. She was real. The argument was real. Mom was real. Every emotion was real. Life was real. Life was unfair. Life should'nt be like this. Life cannot be so unfair. She had done nothing to loose herself to her thoughts. She had done nothing to live a double life within herself. She did nothing. Then why?
She watched the traffic speed past. she saw herself walk through it.. not dodge it... but walk through it. She saw herself hit by a red truck with an angry face. She saw herself lying soaked in blood... relieved.
Redlight. She crossed over and reached her destination. She met him. She narrated the details of the meeting.
She saw his face fall. She did nothing.
Once again, she had broken his heart in cold blood. She did it on a daily basis. Had become a natural at it!
Somewhere, she also wanted to hug him and tell him she's sorry for being cruel. She was sorry for all the pain. She was sorry for becoming the person she had become.
Every ounce of emotion squeezed out.
From a distance, she saw herself holding him, crying, with him.
But standing there, she did nothing. No tears came. She felt nothing... coz she wasnt there. She had disappeared... somewhere in her mom's salwar... or in the screaming traffic.
She had been leading a life which didnt belong to her in the first place, so how could she give it to him?
'If Only's' went through her head. In a different time, in a different space, when she was a different she... things would have been different.
If only she really existed.
Wednesday, September 26, 2007
Woke up today from sound sleep. Completely blank. Can't recall any nightmares...
A great achievement, considering my state of total disarray in the mornings.
Haven't been watching TV for a while now, so had completely missed the action on the Indian team's arrival in Mumbai.
Went to the dining table... sorted through the Express, HT and Hindu, to locate my favorite... TOI.... and boy! is it my favorite.
Today... I have finally uncovered the reason why I love this paper so much. The entire front page spread has a massive picture of the Indian cricket team on their ' vijay rath' surrounded by millions and millions of people... somewhere on Marine Drive ( I think).
Yes... all the papers covered the story... all of them put it as front page news... but TOI ( my love) took things a step further, giving it a full page spread!!!
Call me a sucker for sensationalism... but how else is a paper expected to make a mark in the heart of so much competition.
That is not to say, that I'm against objective journalism... but it's about that sixth sense... about how to hit a nerve with the consumer. It is also a combination of the overall look, colour scheme, placement of news etc... but when every paper is showcasing the same news ( maybe a Hindu and Indian Express are even giving me some more intelligent analysis) then why is it that TOI is the largest circulating English Daily in the country?
The reason being... TOI just knows what the reader wants. Not the first time, TOI has proved that it's a notch above the rest... however...
They did it again... Grabbed my attention, and I'm certain of many others as well.
I love my TOI :)
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Use my viens instead
Milk them dry
Till the end
Can I be of help?
While you shred
The remaining gob
Of an existence unknown?
I promise not to scream
In anticipation of the high
For slow death
It might be fun
To watch from afar
As structure blends
I anticipate euphoria
During your filthy pleasure
With a lewd itch for
Fruition in the waiting
My dehydrated eyes
Accept my coaxing
You know you want to
Have been bombarded with phone calls by folks outlining the merits of 'mystery prospective (fucking) groom'
My reactions have been most non-commital. Considering the extent of my anger at this entire situation, all I did was hear them out... quietly.
Silence is dangerous... it can be misjudged for acceptance. I deliberately let them misjudge my silence and now I'm regretting it.
Regretting it? I'm not sure... I'm simply confused over the course of action I should undertake. Post lunch, I am expecting a photograph, which I've been told to approve. Because...
"The family is good... the guy is good... blah... blah... blah... "
A part of me revolts strongly at the thought of getting married to a complete stranger... I mean... who the hell is he? Where did he come from? what if he's a wife beater?
Another part of me questions my own decisions... Have I not had enough of experimenting? Past breakups... present fuck ups.
Am I in control of my own life, to be able to make a wise decision for myself?
for some it might be the ideal time to wake up... kick start the day with a li'l yoga, laughing club etc.
For me... It's just plain EARLY !!! :)
India won the match, ya?! I spent the evening celebrating... was fantastic. Considering my scorn towards Indian sports and Cricket in particular...I was happy that we managed to win SOMETHING!!
Just being nasty there... excuse me!
No, man!!! We played well... throughout the tournament. It was a well deserved victory, and I gave it it's due by rightly celebrating.
And then I came home... hit the bed. But that little devil of an escape eluded me and I was tossing throughout the night trying to grab it... if only for a few seconds.
Kept having reality checks through the night:
Wondering "Is this really happening???"
And I got pin pricks behind my neck, and a queasy feeling in my stomach.
Had a smoke which didn't help. Was cold from time to time... and then hot and flushed. got up... charged around the room. No help.
n now I'm wide awake, with a fuck-all headache... pissed off.
Today's gonna be a baaadddd day...
Noone come in my way!!
Sunday, September 23, 2007
What a weekend.
Out partying... 2 movies in 2 days... lots of action, no conciliation... with myself.
Kept myself distracted through the last two days. Went out and indulged in mindless activites.
But you know the mind... it never stops, does it?!
New developments happen simultaneously... parents have presented me with a new predicament. Another man.
As always... the need to see me settled, surpasses any other depressive tendencies of mine which they need to help me with from time to time.
I hear out the proposal. In their voice, I detect the eagerness veiled with apprehension. after all, how many men have I rejected on the basis of xyz criteria. I rejected a guy on the basis of his moustache.
For christ sake! Who does that? How superficial am I?????!!
But I ask u, my friends, an honest, serious question... in this day and age, which sane man keeps a moustache? And...if he does keep a moustach.... then is it a reflection of a way of thinking or not????
Men. Men. Men.
They're getting on my nerves... from every angle possible. Breathing fire down my neck and pumping poison in my blood. Wanting a piece of me while killing my mind and soul.
The extreme sense of revulsion I feel towards these species of blood sucking maggots, suprises me.
Question being... am I ever likely to get over this? Any inclination to give... to do something for someone is gone. And now another man who wants to enter my zone of madness.
Would it interest him to know that I'm not the kind of girl one gets settled with. I will ... in all likelyhood drive myself and him crazy with my own dementia.
Maybe, I shall communicate with the man... have a real conversation... put my cards on the table... reveal my true nature... and then let him judge whether he really wants to do this.
If I were him... I'd pack my bags and run as fast as I can!!! hahaha!
Ive decided to have some fun with this situation... to create some excitement in my boring life. Give the guy a dose. After all, he's decided to invade my privacy at a time when I'm nicely curled up in my shell... sulking.
I know I'm sulking... and I want to... for a while. Till I find my smile again. He might want to plant that smile on my face... but do I want him to, is the question. Hmmmm... lemme see.... no! Thank you, mister. I'm doing just fine without you!!!!!!!!!!!
Thursday, September 20, 2007
You may even call me a bitch. I'm ok. It doesnt matter to me anymore.
Yes, I am one... and it doesnt make a fig of a difference to me.
I trampled all over Mr.23's feelings today. hacked them. Slaughtered them... in cold blood. Without emotion.
And I didnt feel a thing.
It's a bad time to be in love with me. I'm not in the mood right now. I don't feel like giving and I don't feel like compromising... on anything... for anything... for anyone.
I feel bad... in a cold sort of way. I'm hurting him... breaking his heart... but then how many fucking times has my heart been broken by men.
Infact, at some level am even taking out my anger against the male species in general, on Mr.23.
It's cruel to be so cruel. It's unfair to him as an individual... leave alone man. I've told him a dozen times to stay away from me... I'm not ok... I'm not right for him... I'm messed up.... but the guy doesnt give up. And so... he comes in the path of my anger and burns his fingers.
Noone can come along... claim to love me... and then fuck me over. Not this time, buster! Uh Huh... not happening.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I found myself borrowing some books day before yesterday. At that point I did not really think much about it. Was happy to be reading authors whom I havent really read in the past.
I picked up Nausea by Sartre, Laughable Loves by Milan Kundera, Beyond Good and Evil by Nietzsche.
Started by reading Laughable Loves. A book of short stories on relationships and the underlying thoughts which make them. The stories are unlike any I have read till date. Revealing insights into the psyche of men and women. Short. Crisp and moving.
Every thought has been articulated beautifully and leaves me questioning my very understanding of the opposite sex (But then I am a poor judge of character, per say!)
However... would recommend it to anyone interested in more than just mills and boons.
So, there I am... trying to read Laughable Loves during even a second of free time. Therefore, carried it to office yesterday... and then very conveniently left it on my desk ( aaarrggh! hate myself for being so forgetful!) Reached home and started missing it terribly.
So decided to flip to Sartre.
The lead character of the book is writing a diary, and I read the first two pages of it.
The protagonist feels something has been changing slowly... either within him, or in his surroundings. Every movement, every act is different. From the way the fork looks to when he tries to turn the door knob. He is unable to fathom the reason for this change... however the change exists.
So... there I am, sitting on the pot, reading Sartre... and suddenly a thought strikes me-
Why is it that I found these books now? Of all the books I could've borrowed, why did I borrow the ones I did? How is it that, what I've been feeling lately is reflected within the pages I am reading?
I've been amazed at this thought... things happen... one doesnt know how they happen... but they do...
I chanced upon these books NOW... and NOT a few years earlier... in another space and time.
It's strange... and I've been feeling even more unreal since this thought popped into my head. Is there a god? Am not really religious by nature... but have been thinking... is it possible that there is some force which is making things happen the way they are happening?
Randomly sitting and eating butter chicken and naan ... after work... Tired...Exhausted.
Have mehndi on my hands from a wedding I attended last weekend.
I start talking palmistry with Mr.23... and he claims to be a bit of an expert. I smile disbelievingly, but put my hand forward. the lines are hardly visible behind the dirty orange-brown plastered all over them.
He tries to study my palm carefully. I'm waiting for a revelation sarcastically.
"You're bordering on insanity"
The hair behind my neck stand up, and I feel a chill run down my spine. I laugh artificially.
He's serious, " No, look... this line here is slanting downwards.. it implies either depression or insanity"
I reply defensively" What do u know about palmistry... besides I have mehndi on my hands... you can barely tell the lines. So.. skip it."
He's firm, " Ive read plenty of books, and I know what I'm talking about"
I'm indifferent and decide that I dont want to talk about it any further.
But I'm scared... He's let words escape into the air, which I am afraid to say to myself.
I know... somewhere in there... I'm crazy... I create a facade around me ... with a smiling face and nice hello's... but behind it all... lerks madness.
So.... what do I understand of these wierd happenings. Am I reading too much into them?
Overdoing the thinking is simply part of my character... unlikely to change.
But there's something strange going on in my world... and I don't know what it is.
must be pretty zonked today.
Tried to concentrate on work... managed it.... but my thoughts were constantly interspersed with flights of imagination.
Had my ipod glued to my ears... I like it that way. The music hasnt really helped me calm down, instead... only contributed to this out of body experience which Ive been having lately.
I changed the music yesterday... and have somehow managed to put music which resonates with my thoughts.
So instead of lifting my spirits, it put me in more of a contemplative mood.
I like it somehow.
I'm one of those people who like to dwell in their misery. Irony of it all- I have nothing to be miserable about.
For days on an end, have been trying to pin point what the problem is... but this sense of loss just doesnt seem to leave me.
Mr. 23 has been a support... but my heart tells me it's not enough. I would like to communicate about my feelings to him, but am unable to. He reads my face... sends me messages asking what wrong... and yet, not a word comes out of my mouth.
How do I explain to the man, that I'm lost. I'm not aware of myself or my surroundings? that I'm doing things the way they should be done...but my spirit is missing.
He tries to touch my heart... at some level, he manages. But the emotions comes and go. It's not fair to him or to myself. But I'm losing control of my body and mind.
I type these empty words... hoping I'm making some sense to anyone who's reading them. I'm unable to relate to you, stranger. I'm not in a happy place right now... and havent been in that happy place for a while now.
What do u do when u've lost the capacity to respond. When ure unable to decipher the difference between two emotions. am I depressed? Am I in mourning? Am I living in uncertainty? What am I searching for?
I apologize for the endless rambling... but ure my only outlet.
Maybe somewhere someone understands what I'm saying... has gone through the same and understood what this is.
Coz it's not normal.... that's for sure.
The question being, what is? am I the only sham in town? Are there others? Is everyone a sham?
I need something... what? I dunno.
I get up feeling tired every morning from the nightmares. I go through the motions of the day, because I know I have to... I havent jeopardised my job... or anything else which is of any valuse in my life.
Then.......WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME???
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
Fin in Fin
Kissed by the sun
Flurry of hurries
Criss-crossing the ridges
Over and Under
Oblivious to the danger
Fallen forever and ever after
Monday, September 17, 2007
Yes... I've not been feeling human lately.
it's a strange sort of a feeling I've been getting... days have been passing me by... and I'm doing things mechanically.
Office... home... going out... movies....
But somehow... through every moment... whether fun or not... I've been empty.
As though a part of me has died... and the person performing these acts is actually not the real me.
I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, just to reaffirm the fact that I exist... and I'm not just some random object floating around the place.
But the unrealness is so real... its hard to explain.
Day and night... routine... pressures...parents....life.... I'm watching it happen... from a distance.
I do all the right things, and say all the right words, and manage to emerge victorious through the day.... but its not me.
I've died... and the emptiness inside me re-affirms that.
I live in the past.... or I live in the future... but I'm missing right now.
And the knot in my chest 24-7 re-affirms that.
I don't know myself and I don't have any desires. I dont love myself and I don't love anyone else. I'm a sham. A non entity.
I don't exist
I am a shadow of the person I used to be
Lost.... somewhere... in the act of growing up.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
I've just discovered that I'm pretty fucked up, dude!!! ;)
I'm getting married to a very close friend. I'm wearing a orange- yellow saree, no makeup, no jewellery. Both me and the groom look miserable. It's a christian wedding, and we have a ' November-Rain'-video kind of a faux pas with the rings... my dad emerges with a ring from somewhere... it's not nice.
Old school friends (whom I've hated like forever) appear for my wedding, giving me pitying looks. It's not nice.
My so-called husband is in love with someone else and so am I.. we both are constantly thinking of the other, while we try to look happy.... it's not nice.
Suddenly, I'm my sitting in the wedding crowd, next to Mr.23... we're looking at each other... longingly.
Next... i'm in my drawing room, and the ex is standing wearing a pink tight t-shirt... looking like a typical rich punjabi Delhi guy. I cant recall the conversation.
But I get up feeling uneasy... at the same time with a sense of relief... thank god it was a dream.
My analysis of the same suggests....
I'm pretty messed up somewhere in there... inspite of the facade of normalcy
Damn the system!!!!
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Although the risk is infinite... I think it might be worth a shot.... or maybe not.
The advice Ive got has been varied... " use ure head" " follow your heart" " think rationally" " do what you want" " Take a chance and see"... " U dont have that kind of time" ...
Although I'm troubled... although I'm scared... although I sometimes feel I might be making the biggest mistake of my life and I'm apprehensive of making the wrong choice... I feel it may turn out right in the end.
When I look at myself... I see an irrational, emotional, impulsive fool. For the first time, I've decided to use my head in decision making and not my heart. The very decision of using my head pains me. Because my perspective to life is fundamentally different from 99% of the people I know.
There are times when I look around me and see talking, walking, thinking monkeys. I see the kind of limits we've put on ourselves to organise our lives. The rationalization of every act. The analysis. The judgments we make. I make.
I live in a movie and 'happily ever after' is an extremely real concept to me. So... when I'm asked by every single cell in my body to apply rationalization to the biggest decision of my life, marriage... my heart revolts.
since when did I become this dissector? Since when did I start thinking so much. I dunno.
Ive grown up... and I hate it.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
About my future. My life. Today.
Whatever the consequences... I will deal with them.
How I will go on... I dunno... but I will do it. Because life has many surprises in store... and I'm sure there are many good things coming my way.
I say a little prayer ... I hope I am making the right choice.
God... save me from evil... save me from myself... save me from pain and guide me to make the right decisions.
Thursday, July 05, 2007
My very first trip into the Tamil heartland... and I adore this place already.
There I was fretting for the past 2 days about this trip to Chennai... thinking... " Damn Im gonna be all alone in that godforesakin city!dont know a soul... and people talking strange! I'm gonna die"
In all honesty...the minute I peeped out of the plane window and caught a glimse of the beautiful South coastline... I was smitten. Aerially... this is amongst the most stunning views I've seen. The houses are interspersed with thick trees... and the whole city seems to be shrouded in mystery... exciting!
I got into the taxi and was introduced to Tamil music on Tamil Radio City. Didnt understand a word... but truly fascinating!
I love the feel of the south... the non stop traffic... endless stream of bikes... and crazy amounts of outdoor hoardings.
I checked into Ambassador Pallava... Typical.
Pampered myself to a meal of Malabar fish and rice with papad... and I was content.
In the evening... plan to explore the night life in Chennai with a friend....
Lessons from this visit: Dont judge a book by it's cover!
Chennai...here I come ! :)
Monday, June 25, 2007
The last one year has been full of upheavels, and I have been in the doldrums...
There is a secret which I have discovered lately... which has helped me calm down, get a grip and simply lay back and watch.
It's all about acceptance.
If I am to assume that everything around us is simply fated to happen... the people building their riches... the people celebrating their achievements.... the people begging on the road... were all in one way or the other destined to be where they presently are.... then I have no control over anything anyway.
The theory is tough to aknowledge. You are bound argue that part of our destiny, we make ourselves. But... ignoring the scientific explanation of evolution... the chemicals which are constantly moving around in my head... my exercising organs.... I think what am I and where did I come from and what is this rush I feel today? And I truly feel... science cannot explain it.
There have been thoughts I have fought... ideas I have ignored... issues which I have escalated... but what has been missing all along has been... Acceptance.
To be able to see that I... as an individual... as a human soul... am worth something. That my destiny is taking me in a particular direction, and I am constantly fighting it.
and when I think about it... we all do it... everyday of our lives... trying to change people, situations...so that things fall into place the way we would like them to be. Hoping that things would move in the way We want it to move.
and the fact is... it never happens. the more you fight... the more difficult it is to change anything.
The simple rule of acceptance is so difficult to adopt... is it not?
everyday... in the morning... I looked at myself... I had stopped recognising myself in the mirror lately. I tried to change that, by talking to myself... by staring for hours. It didnt work.
A few days ago... I thought... why am I always agitated... always fretting... always hyper... angry....because I cant accept things the way they are.
And so I changed my startegy. I got up in the morning and looked at the mirror and I said to myself " I accept that I've changed. that I dont see myself anymore. That I'm lost in the mess of things..........and it's ok. "
Ive been feeling better about every single breathe that I'm taking ever since.
I still feel I need a lot of work on my self worth... but the process has started... and I'm going to keep myself happy.
Thursday, June 21, 2007
This last one simply took its toll on me. I'm anyway one of those people who fret too much... start hyperventillating at the drop of a hat... n basically stress till my head hurts.
Thats exactly what happened.
every party starts slow... correct... well... its expected.... n I've seen it happen every time I've thrown a party. the only difference being, this was a BYOB... so I was fretting twice as much that there will be no booze.
the basic problem being... people in India just dont fucking understand the meaning of a fucking BYOB... they insist on ' forgetting', ' being unable to find a booze shop', 'getting late' etc.
So when the party started... i had 5 people walk in without a fucking bottle of alcohol in their hands. n it pissed me off like how.
I was left to entrtain these people with small talk and chicken rolls. In my state of panic, I called another friend who was coming n asked him to carry some extra alcohol.
Fine... i some how got over that crisis.
After which... there was the problem of people bunching up in every corner. Fine... noone knows anyone... but what the fuck is being social??!!! ure supposed to mix.
So... I was left with the task of trying to make people talk to each other..
Is this a master plan to ruin the party.?!
Then the best part of the evening...
I gave up... got drunk +stoned... and passed out on the couch on my own party from mental exhaustion.
Tuesday, June 19, 2007
Last week's tornado of fights appears to have taken its toll on me. Am cold as ice. Never thought I'd say this, but I seem to have lost my sense of emotion. Is that even possible?S
o we are at peace, talking, laughing... and I'm empty inside.
To get over the monotony of things, am planning a party tonight. Calling the world. Always nice to plan a party. A little booze. A few laughs. A little de-stressing. Will do me good, I think.
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
Inspite of the HUGE fight... he chose to go to the party. Maybe didnt pick her up, but went. Maybe hung around with her. Or with someone else. But Went. Inspite of everything. Asshole.
Ive never felt like this before. and I can now relate to all the women who call up other women and threaten them to stay away from their boy friends.
I never cnsidered myself to be that kind. But you never knows what can get to you. Its a button waiting to be pressed. Its needs just one stimulant. and all the so-called coolness fades away. And yu
I wanna kill him and I wanna kill her too.
And in the midst of it all, I wanna kill myself as well.
Im sitting in office, going MAD. Biting my nails. Hyperventilating. Smoking one fag after another.
I NEED a mental asylum right now.
I'm Sooo angry... I hope I dont have a heart attack.
I experienced it yesterday. It was all consuming. Overpowering. It enveloped me from all directions, and blinded me to insanity.
I yelled. I shrieked. I cried. I screamed till I was hoarse. Numb.
I tried to control myself, but insecurity didnt allow me to. I bit off his tongue. I threatened him with the things I'll never do to myself. I wanted to destroy him. Eat him alive.
I felt anger. Revulsion. Hatred. and every single negative emotion that exists.
I wanted to take a rope and tie him down and whack him blue. I wanted to shake him up till his organs came out of his mouth.
I was livid. I was beside myself with anger.
I wanted to prolong the fight. Keep yelling till I lost my voice. I refused to keep the phone down for 3 hours, and I could have gone on for another 5.
I pleaded to speak and then I screamed. I called him names. I called her names. I proposed a meeting ( maybe to yell in person) but he refused. I think I scared him with my fit. And it was a fit. I have never seen this side of myself.
And later, I made myself a J mechanically...half dead with exhaustion...to put my mind to sleep. I slept fitfully. The conversation reverberating in my head in my sleep.
I got up feeling angry. At myself. for giving away my insecurity. For allowing him to see my weakness. For making him feel important.
Was that really me?
I smoked a cigarette before I brushed. I packed my bags like a zombie. I'm going to Bombay today for a week. My excitement has died down. Infact, Im dreading the queries about him from mom, dad... n sis.
How do I tell them that I'm losing the plot... within myself and with this fuckall relationship which is driving me up the fucking wall?
Be calm and composed... let nothing effect me... the ice maiden... the beyond-it-all.
Be triumphant under pressure.... not allow emotions to overrun me..
reply to queries with a detached... 'yes' or ..' no'... or ' maybe'
Not only pretend to destress... actually destress.
And by destress I mean... enjoy every minute I've got....
Coz I might be dead tom...
I hope I succeed
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
- Socio-economic class
- Sub consciously embedded values
In my case, I feel my mother has been the biggest influence in my life. I have emulated her for as long as I can remember. She personifies an innocence and love which I can only hope to give my kids some day. The shrewd streak, the mean bone... its missing.
When I look at myself... I see a few traits...
I'm full of mush and I love it. I live in a world of fantasy... trusting destiny... and believe that that's the world to be in.
Shrewdness? Meanness? Even Smartness... its missing.
I realise that what I am is unique... rare. Its what we call genuineness.
But I am at a loss here.
My experiences have taught me that the values I uphold come secondary to what the world stands for today.
In my quest at being good, I've put some important values on a back bench.
again, I compare myself to my mother here. Her marriage has not been the smoothest in the world. Yet she has stood by my father. Loved him, while he has trampled all over him. For that is what a good Indian wife is supposed to do. And she's been the best.
When I have told her to leave him, she has talked about her kids, family. Again, the cultural and societal values taking precedence over her own happiness.
These traits have somewhere translated into me as well. I've give my heart and soul to relationships. Allowing people to walk all over me, simply because I want to be the sacrifising, loving, Indian woman. The one who goes to any lengths to make things work.
I hear a psychologist discussing relationships in an Oprah episode. He says, people are attracted to certain 'kinds' of people. In the sense, if ure a confident person, u'll find a person who is equally confident.
N if ure not, ure likely to look for a person u can look upto. In the process, u usually allow the person u admire to be the definition of whom u would like to be.
Coming back to me... I'm not the confident person he's talking about, i'm the other. consequently, my story has been somewhat warped.
So... I've decided to take my life into my own hands.
Consciously walk out of the dream world I've created around myself....and put my self respect and dignity FIRST... before I give my love to anyone.
Monday, May 28, 2007
Made many... went back on many... and regretted many.
Yet Another Decision !!!
My 7 resolutions.. to be implemented for a new life...starting tomorrow:
1) Will be selfish
2) Will love myself more than anything in the world
3) Will find my own person again
4) Will not feel guilty about petty things
5) Will not be hard on myself
6) Will move on with my life
7) Will read this post every time my self esteem is low
Thanks K... U made me write this :)
She was seeing this guy for 6 years. He ultimately got married to someone else. Parents instantly pushed the arranged marriage button. Speeded up the manhunt. Presented her with an Irish Indian. She said yes, and within 6 months, she's packed off.
On the engagement evening, we come home. Old friend is losing her mind.
" I cant believe it's not "N" who put that ring on my finger. I cant take this. I cant do this. I cant get married to this guy. I dont even know him. I cant bear the thought of him touching me "
Me, " U've gotto take that leap of faith. Think of all the bad times 'N' has given u. u deserve someone who cares for u. U're very very lucky".
I mean every word I say. But, in my mind I'm a hypocrite. I see myself living the same situation. I see my future, tied to someone whom I'm not in love with... whom I will learn to love with time... whom I'll be forced to love because of circumstances. I see myself longing for another life. the one I had imagined. The perfect ending.
Its morning... we go to the gurdwara. The wedding takes 20 minutes. It's over. I sit behind the bride, living my own wedding, to a stranger, longing for 'S'. I'm crying- not for the bride's happiness, but because of my own sadness.
I know its futile to cry. I know that I deserve a wedding such as hers. I deserve to be with someone who knows me... understands me... and more than anything respects me.
I look at myself in the mirror in the afternoon... and I dont recognise myself. I am 2 people... one- the smiling face who's enjoying the wedding, the other- choking on uncried tears in her head.
I come back to Delhi... and the tears continue to NOT fall... but the chest becomes tighter.
The dreams become blank.
The leap of faith...the choice...the chance seem nightmarish.
They say, unless u're thrown neck deep into a situation, u dont learn how to cope with it.
I'm neck deep and I'm not learning.
Thursday, May 24, 2007
Here's my Random Eight:
1.Think everything ... and I mean EVERYTHING comes secondary to my sanity and personal relationships
2. Am obsessed with earings. Have atleast 50 pairs... looking for more.
3. Brag about being a gym freak, but struggle to go more than thrice a week
4. I have a phobia of food smells. Run to put the exhaust on, open windows and doors as soon as food is cooked at home
5. Am unable to say 'NO' to people for things, outings,requests, 99% of the time
6. Am obsessed with my under eye puffiness. Consequently study myself in the mirror atleast 20 times a day ( no exaggeration)
7. Have NOT been single in almost 10 years
8.Presently have my ears, nose, navel pierced. Got my eyebrow pierced too, but had to remove the ring because of family pressure ! : (
Here are the rules of the game:
1.ennumerate 8 facts/habits about ureself
2. Tag eight others
Ok... so whom should I tag... emancipation of eve, master and margarita, black and white, one brown woman, Amores Peros, From a corner, Orangette and anyone else interested/ excited enough... ;)
Tag on !
And suddenly it's weighing down on me. I woke up this morning from deep slumber, feeling weak. The dream was insane. Maybe I am insane. But I woke up pulled down. Down. Down. Down.
Gathered my wits together and came to office. Down.
Trying to concentrate...work. Down.
Ultimately, I am forced into introspection, for I have to let go of the baggage which is weighing me down. The smiles are hollow. The heart is pounding. The stomach is turning... and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Run away from myself.
I light a cigarette, and slowly take a drag. My chest caves in. Too many cigarettes. I take another drag, in the hope that it will stop this feeling. Distract me. shift my focus to the cigarette itself.
There is a black hole. Infront of me. I'm walking into it. Maybe coming out of one and mving into another dimension. Have been doing this since I started rationalizing... possibly 15 years ago.
I miss being free. Not thinking. Screaming on top of my lungs and everyone smiling. Innocence. It's sooo far away... and the future seems mysterious... scary.
I question my existence. My movements. My thoughts. My daily existence. My definitions. My biases. My hypocritical nature. I am a hypocrite. I console myself at the thought that we all are. It's a question of degrees.
I am hard on myself. Because I feel regret. I havent taken the right decisions. Grabbed the opportunities. Focused on the important. Always distracted, by the less consequential.
I shall recover. It is only today... this day... this morning which makes me feel this way. However I do... and this morning is just as important as every other morning.No?
So I introspect on how to face my demons. To smile. To be brave. To love myself inspite of the person that I am.
Saturday, May 19, 2007
The laughs, the hugs, the smiles. The food!!! the stuff-ure-face-beta.
Living alone, I didnt realise how much I missed it.
Again, extended family and their quirks.
Like jat jokes... getting together HAS to tantamount to : Jats-are-the-best-clan on the planet discussions! and I love them.
Here's the one talked of yesterday:
Saw a man walking down the street with a nike sign. Below it was written... u guessed it... Jats do it !!!
A typical pj, being cracked in a room full of mama's and mausi's and drawing huge guffows!!!
It's times like these which make me miss home.
There I was in the middle of everyone laughing... and thinking of mom-dad.
Living alone can be a heart ache sometimes.
I miss my mommy.
Thursday, May 17, 2007
People are fun, place is fun, atmosphere is fun. there's something in the air, which is totally NOT corporate, and coming from a stiff organization ... I love it.
Keeping the atmosphere apart.. lets talk of my job profile. I'm a strategic brand planner. a thinker. The creative one. The one who'll give mind blowing ideas to transform a brand.
Honestly, coming from a market research background, this whole thing baffles me. I consider myself to be mentally alert, a person with an opinion on things, even creative.
and yet, when the tag has been attached to the name, I find myself questioing my creative instincts. Living up to the ideal of a planner is difficult, and at the moment I'm struggling to keep up with the process. I see people look at me and say, " Oh! ure a planner! great! we need a thinker like u!" or... " Great! now u'll take care of our brand !!!"
Well... if there's something called drowning under pressure, then I'm living it.
I do want to come out with fantastic ideas which change the world... or change the manner in which people view advertising... but with the pressure to perform pulling me down, I find myself blank. Or talking jargon. I see a sentence written all over my face, " i'm a fake''
am in the process of trying to not only speak smart... but BE smart.
So anyone who has any advertising websites they want to recommen/ share...please feel free to tell me
Support Needed !!
Tuesday, May 15, 2007
The reason I ask is because I think I am one.
I was attracted to 'x' about a month ago, and when bf asked me, I denied it with a vengence and then later adminnted it.
The reason I raise this topic is that this has happened in the past... not once not twice but 5 times. He asks me something... I deny it for days and then I finally admit it.
Why do I do it? what makes me lie to him? Hide things from him?
He's one of the nicest people I know... possibly understanding as well... and still I lie.
And then I blame it- on circumstance, on the situation, on him, on something he did in the past to trigger off the lie.
A lie is a lie is a lie, no matter what the circumstance.
Therefore, my behaviour baffles me. My brain refuses to cooperate. I find easy escapes and excuses not to share things with him, under the pretext that he'll react... or he wont like it... or he'll fight with me... or why should I tell him, I'm not accountable to him.
Bottom line is... I lie to him.
And when reviewing the situation, I realise that I ONLY lie to HIM and noone else. My friends are my supporters, confidantes... the understanding ones.
He is the snappy one, always fighting, pointing fingers.
So why not share with friends instead? Why him?
And this has been the bone of contention in this relationship for 4 years- I DO NOT SHARE. I HIDE. AND WHEN CONFRONTED I DENY
Analysing myself, I know it's true. I've made a mental picture of him as the 'uncool' bf, the 'overpossessive one'. And at some level, ' encroaching my space'. even though, I might share the same incident with friends, and even strangers!!!
Its wrong. Its unfair to him. And Its unfair to my relationship.
n now my even saying that I will share everything is hard to digest, because there is a past I have to deal with. a past where I havent shared. So how does he believe me? So why should he believe me?
What should I do? What can I say?
Friday, May 11, 2007
Tuesday, May 08, 2007
Its a combination of writer's block, lack of will, and constant excuses I've been making to myself about how busy my life has become.
truthfully, I dont think life has been all that boring, that there's nothing to tell. Nor have I been thaaaattt busy, that I could'nt pen down a few thoughts.
So i've narrowed it down to lack of will.
why? I will think that one through in further detail and let u know my thoughts on the same soon !!1 ;)
For the moment, am facing another dilemma.
ok.. for those who don't know, I live alone. Practically alone.
For an Indian girl from a moderately liberal family, I've been given soo much freedom that I should thank my lucky stars everyday.
Ive been running away from home ever since school ended, and with my parents permission !!
I spent college in Delhi, living with my aging grandmom. She was a gentle soul, who knew nothing of what was going on under her very nose. So there were parties on weekends, late nights, sneaking in late, sneaking out late, friends staying over, etc.etc.etc.
I was a free bird.
for my post graduation, things went a step further, I shared an apartment with a friend. Great! It was reliving my college years with twice the freedom. Preparing for mom-dad's annual visit was a task, and all we did was look forward to the after party!
I came back to Delhi and started working. Ofcourse, by then grandmom had grown too old to live alone, so she went to stay with parents.
Consequently, alone again.
U must be wondering what i'm getting at... but hold that thought!
Ok... so... my career span has been relatively short, just close to 2 1/2 years.
all in all close to almost 8 years of living alone.
I've lived alone, Ive fended for myself, I've paid the bills, I've come back home in the evenings to an empty 3 bedroom house and felt great. I've become comfortable with silence. I've made a drink in the evenings sometimes. I've called the bf over whenever Ive missed him. I've had crazy parties. I've laughed alone. I've cried alone. And Ive loved it.
Consequently, the idea of living with someone irritates me, intimidates me and ultimately scares me.
Presently, I'm living that idea.
I was told a month ago by parents that my uncle would be in Delhi and would be staying with me for a period close to 6 months.
" The house has 3 rooms, u take 1 !! there's enough room for everyone, without you guys being in each other's face!! " said my dad.
Well... I was ok with it, initially. He's my dad's brother, traditionally one of those " cool" uncle's, out to be best friend's with their niece. etc. etc.
a month in the arrangement, and I'm ready to scream blood.
Now, there is no issue... he's on his own trip, n so am I.
The problem is with ' Presence' ... There's a presence in the house !! There are questions on TV channels to watch. There are questions on what to eat, when to eat. There are questions on why is 'x' at 'y' place and not at 'z'?
And the beauty of it all is that it's only me who has a problem.
My final thoughts on this:
Too much independence can spoil you. Learning to live with people is important, and I regret looking for opportunities to run away from home half my adult life.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
Irony of it all? watched ' Perfect Strangers' !!!
Throughout expecting some handsome hunk to take a cue from the movie and come speak to me ;)
Jokes apart... lets see. I wont comment on the movie much... though its worth a single watch. Im a die hard Bruce Willis fan... so anything for the man. ( his half-smile is just to die for... and age... well the man appears to grow sexier as the years fly by, no doubt).
what I would like to talk about is my experience. Being one of those big planners, I love having people around, maybe for the company, maybe for the hustle-bustle... or maybe just to dissect the movie after we watch it.
So, my decision to do it alone, was a suprise to me too.
Asking for a single ticket was easy, but I imagined the woman before me giving me a sympathetic look. I walked in and took my seat... only to realise that I knew the people sitting 2 seats away.
Had the choice of saying 'Hello' or pretending ignorance. I chose the latter. for a while I even had a virtual conversation going on in my head:
" Hey. how u doing?"
" Good. good. you?"
" not bad. whom u with?"
" aaaah. Join us, ya. "
So i dug my head deeper into my cell phone during the interval and constantly looked right, hoping they wont see me ( they were sitting to my left)
Got through the movie. Even enjoyed it. and am home now.
My irritation being... why the fuck was I embarassed to be going for a movie alone. Watching a movie is a perfectly fun way to spend time. I couldve been watching the same flick... alone... on Star Movies and wouldnt have thot twice about it. But in public, at some level I felt very alone. As though, having people with you justifies your watching a movie and otherwise maybe not?
A lot of my friends have gone for movies alone ( ok I'm lying, I know only 2 people who've done that) However, they have done it. And make no bones about it. However, after my experience today i realised that I fall in the other category.. amongst those who say, " Hey, u went for a movie alone? aaaaaaaaaa....why? U shudve called me, i'd have come along!"
Now... the problem being... I dont want to be in the IInd category. i want to be in the Ist category.
So I'm going for another movie... alone... this week... just to accept :
a) The idea of going alone for a flick
b) Myself and the changes I want to make in my way of thinking.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
I finally got eye surgery for glass removal!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yes my friends... I'm a 6 on 6... n I dont need specs/ contact lenses or any of that jazz anymore !!
I distinctly remember the day I first got spectacles. My dad was reading the newspaper in the drawing room, and I was trying to read the back pages from a distance, clearly squinting. I knew even then that I'm going down... and how!
Both my parents are blind as bats, and when my mom saw me struggling to read a few bold letters, her heart sank. Her beautiful 10 year old daughter 's face would soon be burdened with fat ugly glasses. Not to mention the mental torture which she would suffer , as with all 'specy' kids.
I was rushed to the doc, eyes quickly checked and fitted with glasses, and I was on my way back to school.
I dont know whether all people who get glasses during their childhood suffer from it, but I definitely suffered from a complex because of the damn frames.
There were times I would imagine how I look to people -
Do they see my face? Is the focus on the frames? Does it overshadow my personality? will any guy ever fall for me?
Consequently, through the years, I took them off at every opportunity possible. And the num ber rose and rose and rose, and my mother cried and cried and cried, and I was forced to wear them again!
In class 10th I was finally allowed the freedom of contact lenses by my fearful parents, who thought putting anything in the eye could be harmful, be it kajal or lenses!
and life has been uphill since then...
Until last year.
I developed an allergy to my lenses!
I went to a doc, b doc, c doc.
Tried every goddam eye drop in the bloody medical books!
Had people ask me things like: " Havent u slept last night? Ure eyes are swollen".
So developed a 'Swollen eye" phobia. ( and it was a phobia... friends started telling me before I even asked- " NO! URE EYES ARE NOT SWOLLEN!"
Then last week, I decided enough is enough...take the leap. Take the ultimate risk with my eyes. I'd had it upto my nose wearing specs ( cudnt even kiss without taking them off!! ).
So, I underwent the surgery. I have no clue how I badgered my mom into agreeing to this... considering eye phobia runs in the family! but I did.
And here i am...writing this scrap wearing dark glasses... vision 6 on 6
Thursday, March 29, 2007
As last days go… I am at work with no work.
Got up in the morning NOT wanting to goto office, inspite of knowing that
even my going is a mere formality.
Will I miss this place? Strangely enough, I feel no emotion at the thought.
I've not been here long enough to feel that I'm an integral part of the
blood flow of the place. But I have had an interesting stint.
Clearly divided into my time in Mumbai and my time in Delhi.
My time in Mumbai:
I loved the people. I loved my boss. I loved my work. I was motivated. I was
finally beginning to get research. I was flying high. Everybody loved me.
And then I took a transfer. Tearful farewells , made me feel wanted and
My time in Delhi:
I hated the people. I hated my colleagues. I HATED MY BOSS. Consequently, I
hated my work. I can write a thesis on 'Bosses and their assholic behaviour'
but that would be a waste of time on someone truly inconsequential. So… I
was low. Very Very low. And I knew it was only a matter of time before I
showed them the middle finger.
So, today is my last day ( in Delhi) and I'm to give a speech. It would be
plain rude to rave about Mumbai here… so I'm going to be polite, and simply
say I've had an ' interesting experience' in Delhi. 'Interesting' being a
word which can be interpreted in any manner.
And in the evening… party at Miss B's place (No… not celebrating my
resignation! Unfortunately. Although … would have loved a 'I hate my work'
Seems like the beginnings of a good day !!!!
Wednesday, March 21, 2007
Technically speaking, the formula would go something like:
Logical Reasoning+ A little Sensitivity
Right Timing = Doing things Right
The only area I score on is the 'Sensitivity' bit. I'm pouring sensitivity,
understanding all the sentimental bullshit.
It's the logical reasoning where I fail somewhat, and timing… well.. the
word is still being constructed in my dictionary.
Therefore, I consider myself fully aware of the fact that I rarely do things
right. Even when I'm fully convinced that I've got the formula right, I
An empirical experiment to prove the above stated formula:
Sitting on my comp at work, I come up with a brainwave to appease BF. The
1) Send flowers and card
2) Send a cake apologizing
3) Take him out for candlelit dinner, where I pre-order the sorry cake.
Also club it with flowers and cards.
4) Make a collage with our pictures.
5) Make a PowerPoint presentation with our pics/ videos etc. ( I love
this one… it would mean a lot of creativity combined with mush! Yum!)
6) Do all of the above
I choose option 6. (hello… don't look aghast. You are talking to the
queen of sop here !;)
I decide to begin with the flowers, followed by the cake, etc.etc.
Straight after work, I rush to the florist. Have already decided the
flowers. 10 red roses and 10 whites. White signify peace and Red signify
love. ( god! I love myself!)
At the florist, I draft the card. I proclaim my undying love for the
man, and am truly impressed with my mastery at the English language.
I head home smug to the core!! The flowers will be at his doorstep
at 8.30am tom. BRILLIANT. He'll wake up with a smile , surrounded by
9pm, I get the call. Ha! Its him!
" Thanks for the flowers"
"You're welcome! "
" The flowers and cards were circulated through the house before
they reached me. Mom-Dad, everyone's read them. Everyone's on my case about
u now. What were you thinking? You send flowers to my home, and u don't put
the card in an envelope, n now everyone wants to know what this is
Oops.. What was I thinking?
In the process of trying to fix things.. I put myself in an even
more awkward situation. Instead of being thrilled about the flowers, he's
stressed about the 1 million questions he'll have to answer to two
My poor darling!
I feel like masterminding some more 'Sorry' plans to help him get
over this faux pas of mine!
God! Wake up.
Have as of this second dropped the idea of getting the cake
delivered to his place with 'Sorry Darling" written on it.
Also, the CD with the PPT would now have to be hand delivered… TO
HIM… IN PERSON !!!
Infact, any surprises, will not be surprises anymore… but carefully
thought out and executed OPERATIONS.
Monday, March 19, 2007
It was to be a fun evening.
In the middle of the conversation, in a light hearted fashion, she called him an asshole, and told him to stop mistreating me, not once, not twice, but a number of times and in a number of ways.
I saw a hurt expression flash across his face for a second and then his face compose.
I have known this friend, lets call her N, since class 7th. We've been relatively close through the years, only losing touch in the recent past, simply because of her going to UK etc. Therefore, I can safely say that today we are not that close, that she be in a posiiton to guide me or S about how we should be solving our problems.
When me and S broke up, it was common knowledge ( was it not?) and my being hurt was on public display as well... coz that's me... and I need shoulderSSS to cry on.
He, on the other hand is the quiet one. Throwing himself into work to drown his sorrows, rather than talking to people. So, getting gyan on how to run his relationship, specially from my friends, didnt obviously go down very well with him.
Assuming that breakups and patch ups happen... assuming fights happen... assuming people talk to people when they're hurt... was I completely wrong in pouring my heart out to my friends? to u?
Does that mean that every word which I speak is carved in gold, and that now Ive created an impression of the man I love which might be partially incorrect? simply because its only my side of the story?
Keeping my dilemmas aside, why would a friend of mine deliberately try to belittle my boy friend in public? Wouldnt a friend know that it would be humiliating for him and damaging to my relationship? Wouldnt it be hurting me indirectly? Is that really a true friend?
Right now, I'm very hurt.
Hurt because I dont know whom to trust.
Hurt because I dont know the definition of friendship
Hurt because people can be unthinking.
Hurt because Ive hurt S, and I love him.
Hurt because no amount of apologies are likely to change his new found view that I actually hate him in my heart of hearts and all Ive done over the past few months is said nasty things about him to the world.
Who's the asshole? Me? Him? or friends?
Thursday, March 15, 2007
I drive WITH the traffic… mind you… NOT against it.
This morning, I mastermind the shortcut…"Hmm, If I go through Okhla side, I
should reach New Friend's colony much faster than if I take the main ring
Within minutes I'm drawn into the quicksand of the traffic jam, which is
pulling more and more hurried, irritable drivers, such as myself, swiftly
Car horns snarling and temperatures rising.
Not to mention, the COMPLETELY INEFFECTIVE A/C in my Maruti 800, constantly
contributing to the pain. ( U might say it's not A/C weather as yet… I say,
try driving at 9.30 am, in a traffic jam which is getting your blood
boiling….and then we'll talk )
I jut my little 800's nose ahead of a DTC bus. The bus driver is half out of
his seat up there, spitting abuses at me ( along with all the rest of the
crap these drivers constantly chew on!).
If you drive in Delhi and you drive WITH the traffic, you have no choice but
to continue jutting you're car into every centimeter of space which presents
itself on the packed Delhi roads!
So… I continue moving.
I somehow manage to get out of the jam by going diagonally from one end of
the road to the other, where I swiftly take a left turn.
Whrooom !!! I'm moving again.
New Friend's colony in sight. Am standing at a red light now, sifting
through songs on my ipod. Completely oblivious to my surroundings.
After all… I'm at a red-light ( where I am incidentally part of another
jam!)… how much further can I go??? ( knowing me… much more… however I
choose to be good)
A car comes to my left. A man is saying something. Something to me.
He's graying on the sideburns. Possibly 35 yrs of age. Spectacles. Couldn't
be a corporate honcho… too unsophisticated for that. Maybe an IT guy?" what
does he want? Do I have a flat tyre? Is the door/ Bonnet/ back open? WHAT?
I roll down the window, " Yes?"
Him, ready to bite my head off " DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TRAFFIC YOU'VE BEEN
BLOCKING BEHIND YOU?"
I'm shocked. Here I am eliminating the possibilities of what might be wrong
with my car… and this guy is on a trip of his own.
Within seconds, I'm in control again. Anger pulsating through my veins.
I growl, " WHO ARE YOU? " HUH? WHO THE HELL ARE YOU TO ASK ME ANYTHING?"
He growl's back, " WHO AM I? WHO AM I? WHO ARE YOU… HUH? "
Me again… " WHO THE HELL ARE YOOOOUUU?
( I mean where's the brain????… MY BRAIN?????…. at times like these, just
when you wanna say those one-liner's like:
" Talk to the hand, asshole"
" You're such a disease"
" Go take you're frustrations out on you're wife, jerk"
" Haven't been getting any sex lately or what?"
etc… etc…. etc…
the best I can come up with is, " who are you?"
…. No… no… no… " who are you?" … I'm me… and I own the road… BUT WHO ARE YOU
AAArrggghhhh. I put my car in gear, show the guy the middle finger and zoom
off ( unblocking the traffic behind me ! )
For the next 15 min I replay the conversation in my head… where every time,
I say something witty and smart, by which the guy shuts up and is seething
with anger but has nothing to retaliate with!
Also… throughout this altercation I am calm and composed… even amused!! I
look at the man with pity and contempt!
"Ha! you poor soul! i'm sooooo beyond all this."
However… I am not beyond all this. Infact I'm neck-deep in road rage. And I
live it as part of my daily existence.
What does one do with 90% of Delhi's driving population who think they're
god's gift to Delhi roads?
Like they have the birth right to scream and shout, rave and rant at the
incompetence of other drivers, while they themselves might be driving like
maniacs out to massacre the roads?
This is not to say that I'm this genius on the roads… no sir… I certainly am
I see myself as a survivor. Just trying to go through my daily grind. One of
those thick skinned Delhi drivers who has learnt her lessons the hard way. …
for…I have no choice:
a) I have a car which should have been sold a decade ago.
b) I am in no position to compete with the Honda Civic's and Scorpio's
which rule Delhi roads … so I snake around these mammoths. What else can I
do? I'd be crushed otherwise…No?
c) And I certainly don't have the time, patience or energy to give
driving lessons to people on the road… so I ignore. And Truthfully.. '
Ignorance is Bliss' is working beautifully for me.
So who the HELL do these people think they are?
And WHERE THE HELL do they come from?
Don't they know that the main principle of the Delhi's F1 track is 'Survival
of the Quickest?'
Monday, March 12, 2007
1) I ate the best best Sushi in Delhi in a beautiful beautiful
restaurant.. It was worth every penny I paid, and trust me when I say I paid
2) Have watched the 'silent hit' Khosla Ka Ghosla for the 4th time, am
game for watching it again. Hilarious.
3) Finished White Teeth ( Zadie Smith) … loved it. Searching for
Autograph Man now. In the meantime have picked up some Nick Hornby and
William Darlymple. Although High Fidelity drove me up the wall midway, it
was still funny. And this one which I have picked up seems far more
interesting ( How to be good)
4) Heard 'Jalebi Cartels' live !! How would you classify their music?
Underground funk? Fusion? Dunno. An evening full of sophisticated Delhiites
socializing with their wine glasses… peppered with the ragamuffin
I'm-the-reason-why-they-reinvented-the-hippy types…Amazing how Delhi people
never tire of doing the muah muah's… making sure they're there at every gig,
simply to be seen. It's fascinating and pathetic at the same time. In which
group did I fit? Make a guess!!! ;)
My Confusing dilemma of last week:
1) Am presently torn between a prospective very high paying job with
very boring work profile and a somewhat low paying job with somewhat
interesting work profile. Infact, forgetting the meaning of the word
professional ethics, have gone and asked both the companies to draft me an
offer letter, Am preparing myself for getting blacklisted on the HR list of
one of the two, when I dump it.
My Sad thoughts of last week:
1) Apocalypto. Brilliant. Beautiful. Gory. Violent. Stunning…Leaves you
questioning whether the human race has anything good to offer to anyone,
anything, anywhere. The situation which was a thousand years ago, is
repeated over and over again. Death. War. Selfishness. " Man takes and takes
and takes… possibly till there's nothing left to give"… Watch this movie.
2) To be nice to dad or not to be nice to dad. Yes, he is my father.
Yes, I should be nice to him. Respectful. Like a good daughter. And yet, I
cant be nice. I'm nasty. I'm mean. I'm evil. I say things which a parent
doesn't deserve to hear. I'm full of shit and I know it. And Yet… I cant be
otherwise. He infuriates me till my blood is boiling and all I see is red.
His drinking, smoking, gluttony.
I worry about the protruding stomach and I snap.
I worry about the glass in hand and I snap.
I worry about the by-passed heart and I snap.
I worry about the smoke in hand and I snap.
I worry about my mom worrying about him and I snap !!!
I hate him and I hate myself for being like this to him. So I avoid.
And if I avoid, its like " She's avoiding her own father".
These are difficult times… seeing your parents go grayer and grayer
in front of your eyes. A fear sets in… and you don't know how to deal with
it. You see death lurking somewhere and its not a nice feeling. And you get
more scared and more cruel. My way sucks, I know. But I don't know how else
Sunday, March 11, 2007
My mom's favourite line is, "Take things as they come",hearing this, you'd think she's the coolest person around, with that phrase ready at the tip of her tongue.
Uh huh... no ways.
These one-liners are for my benifit. In the hope that maybe one of them seeps in and registers within at some level. So far, this is the only one I 'Remember', if that translates into accept, understand or assimilate, I'm not sure.
Ok, so you ask me, what is the problem?
I mean everything appears to be going hunky-dory on the love front...
Am back with bf (my one and only bone of contention...EVER... considering professional , intellectual growth count for next to nothing in your life vis-a-vis personal growth??? Kidding there! know I give way too much importance to my love life. Am not convinced about the normalcy of such thinking, however it's me and I've accepted it. )
So, why have I not written anything? Writer's block, I suppose. that is not to say that life hasnt been exciting enough.
Now that i'm somewhat recovering ( thanks Lemonade! Ure post was a wake up!:) ... here's the last few weeks in a jist:
Personal Front: Well ! Well ! Well ! Life is beautiful again. dinners, lunches, movies, gigs, lots of romance. I love it. Things have gone a step further this time, my sweets...yes.... the man has talked about long term commitment. Finally finding the courage to break it to my parents as well !!
So, I sit my mom down, talking at length about S and our plans. she says well.. lemme hear it from the man himself!!! So the man himself speaks to her ( honestly, this is a HUGE HUGE HUGE step in a relationship where the future has been a questionmark for over 1 year).
Mom comes down to Delhi and a meeting is arranged ( incidentally for today!) .
We are both edgy. Me, because I feel he could back out at the last minute.... have become so suspicious of the man's intentions now, that even when he said he'd meet my folks I was full of doubt ( which is actually unfair to the man)...
"Will he back out? He'll insult my mom? Does he really want to be with me or is this meeting a pacification attempt? Maybe he'll back out later, when my family is neck deep into this?"...
God! my mind is a whirlwind and my conversation with him on the phone, shows it!!! I rave and rant about family, commitment, our relationship etc. ... out of control.
As for him... he is himself on a nerves edge. First he speaks to Girlfriend's mom... however, that's not enough!! Girl friend wants him to proove further, by making him meet her parents. (Maybe its a guy thing... all this cold feet jazz. does it even happen to women?) Anyway... so he's raving and ranting on the other end... What does mom want to ask? Im ready to get married, then what's the problem? Why the meeting? I know they'll want to pack us off asap, I want some time here etc etc etc.
Further rise in temperatures... screaming, shouting and a few tears. Click.Typical.
By 5pm, I am getting panicky. Mom is here, getting ready to meet her to-be son-in-law, and the to-be son-in-law is not answering his phone. I'm going hysterical inside, and can't share it ,with mom, coz i'm gonna get one those typical retorts , " If he doesnt have the courage to meet us, then he's not worth it."
So I wait... hope and pray that he calls.
Cold, Strained voice, him, " yup. where do you want to meet?"
Me, " Cafe Coffee Day?"
him, " Ok."
I'm losing it now. This is not going to go well. I can feel it in my gut. Im scared and nervous.
Mom on the other hand is cool and composed... even excited. She's even bought a new suit for the meeting ( how cute are mom'z??!!).
We reach Cafe Coffee Day...
In comes the man.
My mom is impressed.
The conversation drifts from polite niceties to serious stuff. He sails through, as though this is what he'd been preparing for all his life.
" Yes, aunty." " No, aunty" " Yes, I love her aunty" " Ofcourse we want to get married, aunty" " As soon as possible aunty" " By the end of the year aunty?" " sure,aunty"
Mom is beaming with joy.
And I'm glowing with pride.
Hello, how did this happen? Can I dare presume life only gets better everyday?
Friday, February 23, 2007
because I'm guilty. And I really don't know how to share the last few days
Almost feel like I've committed a crime. However, have done no such thing…
have only committed myself….to the man again.
Yes, Yes… I know you've been sick of me, my ranting and have generally given
me all the support I need to get a handle on things… and I've gone and done
the complete opposite of that.
But who really knows what material we're actually made up of?
And now that I've broken the news to you… can I take a breather and say
Giving you the gossip, here's the love story in brief:
We speak on the phone… discussing the blank calls etc… ( I knew it was
him)….have this extremely formal/ polite conversation etc, for almost 2
However, the ice is melting and playful taunts are exchanged, a smile in the
voice, an eagerness to prolong the conversation, an itch to keep calling/
messaging… just be in touch.
And ofcourse, all this while I'm floating a level above the ground and
telling myself to come back to reality! " Be stern" "Be firm" " you need to
be with someone who takes a stand for you" … well although the words keep
repeating in my head, my heart says " I'm longing to see him" " I'm longing
to lay my hands on him" " I'm longing to tell him I miss him"
So I finally meet him. It's supposed to be a serious exchange, sitting
across the table over coffee. Talking about us. I'm prepared.
I open the door. I see him.
We hug. For a long time.
N then I kiss him… just like that. No words exchanged… just like that…All my
freaking resolutions flying out of the window.
And as they say…The rest is history.
p.s. Of course, the serious conversation happened, in between a lot of
tongue twisting.( and I'm not really sure I regret it happening that way!)
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
to burst… the phone to ring… the heart attack to happen… the nerves to
explode… the car to crash… the dream to finish… the smile to evaporate… or
the smile to emerge… recognition of surroundings… reality- hard and
biting…the web to be torn… the hibernation to end… the eyes to see… the
lungs to breathe… freedom of thought and expression… information to
register… registered information to seep in… work to matter… work not to
matter… life to be more… back to childhood…into the cocoon… or out of the
cocoon… stronger… past… future… present … where am I ??
Can anybody hear my silent scream?
Monday, February 19, 2007
have written more posts in the last 2 months than the entire 2006. Why?
Also, most of the posts which I have written have been morbid and
Assuming that it's MY blog and I'm free to write whatever comes to MY mind…
no matter how dark it is… I kept writing.
Have NOT given a second thought to the fact that when I write something
down, I actually seal it… make it more real than it was when inside my head.
Or maybe it is an attempt by me to gain some sympathy… find a common ground…
a listening ear. ( coz I know for a fact that the people around me are
totally and completely fed up of my whining!)
So I write… and It gives me satisfaction.
And then I chance upon this post on Danah's blog ' Musing on making things
It leaves me thinking about relationships and their idiosyncrasies.
Of all the things which people do when they break up, I've done NONE:
- His number is still on my phone
- I have all the pics… safely stored away. Am avoiding looking at
them, but don't have the heart to burn them
- Have blocked and unblocked him 1 million times on my msn… at the
moment, he's unblocked
As confusion prevails in my mind… I'm thinking… am I stuck in a time warp?
I need closure, instead I write a new post everyday talking about how
miserable I am without him.
Think I read somewhere that men have this amazing ability to
'compartmentalize' their thots, put them into neatly packaged slots. So if
they don't want to open the package named 'relationship' they just put it
into the back compartment and move on with their daily existence… happily.
Women on the other hand mull, dissect, shred to pieces every goddamn
thought, event till they have a headache and have no choice but to have a
disprin and sleep. And even in sleep, you'd find women having vivid dreams
about the same. So in reality, there is no rest provided to the miniature
brain at any level.
Think I admire men for this ability. Have been trying to emulate them in
this respect by compartmentalizing my thoughts.
Here's what I'm doing these days:
Have an image of a door with a key in the lock. Everytime I have a thought
about the past I try to literally pick it up( the thought), throw it behind
the door and turn the lock. Now I would like to throw the key away, but I
keep it handy for the next thought which comes in !! It has worked at some
But women will be women… and here I am writing another post about my
struggles, rather than throwing the thoughts behind the door !!!!! hehehe!
Gaaawwdddd! Help the female species :-)