Thursday, January 25, 2007

I Choose

I choose to be who I am
I choose to be me
I choose to be happy
I choose to move on
I choose to find myself again
I choose to say fuck off
I choose to stop being miserable
I choose to choose
I choose to talk to myself
I choose to stop putting myself through hell
I choose to see the truth which is me
I choose to trust my heart and mind
I choose to forgive him
I choose to make my own decisions
I choose to smile
I choose to accept the turn my life is taking
I choose to realise my worth
I choose to see that I'm beautiful and pure inside
I choose to build my self esteem
I choose to pour my heart out to anyone who wants to listen
I choose to scream out all the dirt inside
I choose to create my own space
I choose to be free
I choose to love again
I choose to open my eyes
I choose to think rationally
I choose to understand my capabilities and limitations
I choose to accept myself with my weaknesses
I choose to take the reins of my life in my own hands
I choose to take responsibity for the things I did wrong the ones I didnt
I choose to see that I'm good

I choose not to be angry
I choose not to mope
I choose not to hate him
I choose not to cry over spilled milk
I choose not to think I'm a failure
I choose not to think that this is the end of the world
I choose not to be trampled upon
I choose not to be pushed around
I choose not to argue when I cant prove anything
I choose not to bang my head against a wall
I choose not to hate myself
I choose not to feel lost and helpless
I choose not to feel guilty about my existence

I choose not to choose him
I choose to live

Wednesday, January 24, 2007

Finding Myself

Thought of penning down my deliberations. Maybe write a poem. Express some.
Mind doesnt seem to be cooperating in the act.
So figured I'd just rattle out a few random thoughts I've been having since day before.

Post break up, have been oscillating between numbness and jubiliation.
Numbness, I expected. Jubilation, I didnt.

I'd be inhuman if I said I dont miss the man... the good times. But its just that they were soooo long back.
If I were to sum up the relationship, I'd say It's been divided into 2 parts:
1) Before the fiasco in UK
2) After the fiasco in UK

Now, dont ask me what the fiasco in UK was... coz it was tooo utterly, totally, completely excruciatingly painful for me to recount all over again.
In brief it was a lot of questioning and doubting by him and a lot of explaining and justifying by me.

Ive tried long and hard to work things out in the last 2 years. I've failed miserably.
Or maybe not.
And here's where the jubilation enters.
Ive been so so so lost...somewhere in the quagmire of arguments...justifications and explanations.
n now I'm finally ready to move on... to find myself again... my own opinion... my own laugh... my own thoughts... my own heart and mind.

Everyone I know, meet, speak to, am friends with, has only two things to say -
"You're going to go back to him."
"We've seen this before"

I dont have any answers to that. I dont want to answer anyone anymore. no more explanations to ANYONE.

All I plan to focus my energies on, is on building and moulding my personality again. I want to love myself again. To start seeing myself through my eyes and not someone else's. To just be...and be happy in just being. Do whatever I want to do and have only myself judging my every action.

Do I think I'll get back with the man? A part of me craves for the past, but the more sensible, experienced side says it's never going to work, so get your act together and move on with your life.

Its amazing how every break up, every heart break, every disappointment leaves one in a state of limbo.
But when one gets out of that state, it all falls into place and you see clearly how it was never meant to be...anyway.

Therefore, am waiting to get out of that limbo.

Amongst the first things I did to hasten the process was message anyone and everyone I could remember who had crossed my path at any point in life.
It felt good.... to interact with old friends. Maybe they were'nt as close as they had once been, but the idea was to talk to people and NOT be afraid. NOT be answerable. NOT feel guilty for talking. to feel FREE. To see and understand people for what they are. To NOT judge. to trust MY insticts. To follow my heart.To NOT care. To NOT feel scared/ think/ question every man who said hello to me.

So I went out for a coffee with Kanishka last evening. We talked life, music, movies, symbi, good times. Anything and everything under the sun. and I didnt feel guilty that I was sitting at 11pm at Cafe Coffee Day and chatting.
I got hungry, and we decided to grab a bite at his place.
I thought for 5 min,guilt ridden, " Should I? Should I not?"
n then I felt like crying. What happened to me? I was always scared. that's it. He had intimidated me to such an extent that I had started questioning every single thing I did.
we went and had dal, sabzi, roti at Kanishka's place... listened to the blues and flipped thru award winning ads. Had a few laughs and then he dropped me home.

It was so simple. uncomplicated. pure. innocent...It was so me.

Warning Sign

A warning sign
I missed the good part then I realised
I started looking and the bubble burst
I started looking for excuses
Come on in,
Ive gotta tell you what a state Im in
Ive gotta tell you in my loudest tones
That I started looking for a warning sign
When the truth is
I miss you
Yeah the truth is
That I miss you so

Monday, January 22, 2007

The Marathon

We've been saying for 2 days that we'll meet and talk.
So we finally meet and talk.
Ive been practicing this for days. Im confident, determined and focused.
Ive made the choice and its all very clear in my head- Either take a stand for me or else its over.
Ive replayed the dialogues in my head over and over again.
...I'm prepared.... I think.

He enters... sits on the dining table. Its like a mini conference. The air is thick with tension ( I didnt know what that meant until I experienced it)

Him- " So what do you want to talk about?"
Me- " About us. where this is going etc. You made a lot of promises, and you havent stood by them"
Him-" Have you stood by your promises?"
Him- " When was the last time you were in touch with Nilesh?"

A hot flush took over me. Without doing anything wrong, I felt guilty.

Do I feel for Nilesh? No, I dont. Do I want to be in touch with him? ... No, but at some level, maybe. But if I wasnt in touch with him, it wouldnt kill me, I know!!
Although we were seeing each other for barely 8 months, I resepected the guy... liked him. n 5 years down the lane, I can't even imagine having any romantic illusions about him.
So... why the hot flush? the guilt?

Anyway...I replied, " He messaged me on orkut. I told you about it"
Him- " Did you reply"
Me- " I didnt reply to the Ist msg, But ya, replied later"
Him- " Why didnt you tell me"
Me ( guilty)- " I was pissed with you"
Him- " Hello? Next time I'm pissed with you, maybe I'll go and fuck someone. How'd you like that?"

By now, my nerves were rattling inside my system. In my head, I was screaming, on the face I was silent. I didnt know what to say... how to explain. Why couldn't he see that he was pushing me against the wall and battering my heart blue, for a ghost called nilesh, who didn't even matter.
I've always been a fool in love and here was when I should have asked him to leave. To get out of my life. but what did I do instead?

I cried, begged and pleaded with him to forgive me. All the effort of the last 1 year, washed out, by a 'Happy New Year' message on Orkut?? And even if I did msg and not tell him, was it the end of the world? Was this all our relationship was worth?

After 5 years, he questions my person. My character. My love. and I proove, and I proove, and I justify, and I justify. and I try and I try to make him see that I'm committed.
But he tells me, " you dont know the meaning of the word commitment. When you get fucked in the arse the way I have been, you'll know"

I have tried over and over again in the last 2 years to make the man see that this is me and I am his, but he's blinded by his own demons. According to him, created by me. My lies, hidden secrets etc.
Did I hide things from him? yes I did.Intentionally?No. With shrewd intentions? No. Did I feel I was a liar? No, I didnt. .. you might ask me why. Because there are things worth talking about and there are things which are not. n the things which I didnt tell him about meant nothing to me.

I would like very much to scream on top of my lungs... or shake the hell out of him... or somehow make him see that he's all that has ever mattered to me. But I cant.Noone can... but him.

After the 4 hr long marathon, I was blank and mentally exhausted.
Marriage was the last thing on my mind. In fact, I didnt have a mind anymore. My head was filled with emotions like guilt, shame, regret, sadness and a longing.
Longing for the person I had loved, who had known that I was crazy about him. The man who trusted his instincts and heart more than he trusted his mind.
Here was S, still the handsome 27 year old who made my heart skip a beat with his half smile. But there was something amiss. Not only did he not trust me... but he didnt trust his own instincts either.

So today morning I wake up thinking ... Ive been begging and pleading with a man who doesnt even think I'm committed enough.

I decide to take the leap.

The mental torture of the last 2 years re emerges. I'm numb and bleeding. I want to be angry at him, but I can't. All I experience is exhaustion. I'm spent.

I call him and he sounds so sweet in the mornings. My heart melts and resolution wavers.
And then we speak.

Me-" I want to talk to you"
Him (smiling)- " ya. Tell me"
Me- " Ive spent the entire evening crying over you, when you dont even think I'm committed enough"
Him (stone cold)- " So you met your friends and they obviously influenced you again"
Me- " This is not about anyone. This is about me"
Him- " So you didnt talk about us to your friends last evening?"
Me- " I did."
Him- " what did you say?"
Me- " That it's the same."
Him- " that's where you're wrong. Its not the same. your friends have not been lying to their bf like you have been"

My melting heart freezes. The scream explodes in my head again.
I had called him with a purpose in mind n whatever weakness I feel disappears with that one line.
"So, what's the bottom line?" He says in an exhasperated tone... fed up, as though I am intruding upon his precious time
" I want to break up", I say
" Ok. bye" Click...and the line goes dead.

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Drunken Conversations Can be Revealing

I went for Mahima's wedding cocktail last evening... fun.
A few drinks and good music loosened me out a bit and I decided to call S.

In a voice which can only be described as ' not high yet, but getting there', I professed my undying love for the man and emphasized on the fact that I belong to him- thoroughly, sincerely, whole heartedly etc. etc. etc.
The other man... he means nothing.... Nobody means anything.... only he means something !

The reaction was, as usual, a calm, composed voice asking me how many 'cocktails' had I had ( I mean does the man even know that there's a word in the dictionary called Romance?!). Anyway, from nothing-affects-me mode, he moved on to Im-the -reason-they-invented-the-word-ice mode. He quietly heard me out...endless sniffles being the only sign of his existence on the other end.
He's unwell you see. No, no, nothing too serious. Just the regular cold-cough- fever thing. I almost felt myself imposing on the time chalked out for blowing his nose! But that wasnt going to stop me, was it?!! Nononononono.. I needed the reaction. A REACTION. ANY REACTION!
And good as I am at getting things what I want, after much coaxing I heard him mutter, " I dont want to be with anyone else but you, either!"
Yippyyyyyy ! My evening was made... infact... my life was made.

Thats it?
One line the guy says and Im jumping out of my skin?
Is that all I'm worth? All I'm about?

Beginning of the Rest of My Life

Its a brand new day n I feel like Im still in yesterday.
After the tortorous ordeal I've put myself through last evening, of dissecting my very existence, I should ideally be in a position to get my act together and move on wid my life.
But am I in that position??
No, I dont think so.

My conversation with Su revealed the foll:
- Im depressed
- I enjoy pain ( could be a sadist in the making, unless have already achieved that feat1 )
- I am currently NOT living my life but waiting for others (S in particular) to give my life some headstart
- I cannot grab happiness even if its screaming in my face

We parted ways with me in a 'do or die' mood. I was going to go home, pick up the phone and call the man. End it.

There I am- Calm, composed and with a mission. Not to mention my flapping heart which Im desperately trying to ignore.

line of the evening- get ure act together. He's not really interested in marrying you, so just move on.

finally Im home. I pick up the phone and dial the number. No answer. Ok... so he might be sleeping/ in the loo/ talking to folks/ mad at me....mad at me?? Why?

Call again after an hour. No answer.Ok... now he's definitely mad at me.

So I deduce, Im suffering from an inferiority complex as well. Here's a guy Ive been seeing for almost 5 years, of which last 2 have shaken me up to the bones. My self esteem is at its lowest. I think Ive almost lost my smile ( what's left is this self-pitying, sardonic expression, which can be called kicking a smile in the arse). n then I go ahead and contemplate the unlikely proposition of his being mad at me????!!!

I tell myself repeatedly for the next 1/2 hr- I want out. I want out. I want OUT!

I watch TV for a while. Something called ' Perfect Match' on Discovery Travel and Living gets me hooked. Here's this (very) pretty girl who's being wooed by 3 men, n she's gotto choose which one she's going to go out with.

I mean why do these things happen :
a) only on TV
b) only to (very) pretty girls.

That is not to say that I think Im bad looking. Uh huh.. no ways, sir.
I think Im above average for sure. But lately am beginning to notice the age catching up. Im 26 (she was 24). I have (had) pretty eyes( which seem perpetually puffy now!). I have a million dollar smile ( according to my mom), I have a good figure ( which Im struggling to maintain!). What more can I ask for?

So, after the show, I turn off the TV and put on nail paint as an ego booster. Before which, I make a few observations:
- I need a haircut
- I need to shop for new clothes


So... tom ( that's today) is supposed be the beginning of the rest of my life.
N somehow I dont think Im getting in the right frame of mind to really start it.

Tuesday, January 16, 2007

Would you call it a bad day?

Have this queasy butterflyish feeling in my stomach since morning. Think Im breaking into a rash on my chin. My eyes feel puffy. Need a haircut. Acne has destroyed any existence of skin on my face. My boss is in town. My appraisal's happening today. My bf doesnt want to marry me. Am meeting a stranger from in an hour.

All of the above have succeeded in creating a havoc in my upper floor today. Have desperately been trying to quit smoking, but at this point I want nothing more than one slow, long drag to calm me down.

There might be a few reasons which I feel are the root cause of all this:

Have lately developed a phobia about my eyes. Think people dont look at my face, they look at the under eye puffyness.

Not to mention the pimples which are exploding at the seams. Man, they can give one a complex.

S is driving me crazy as well. Im almost back to the way I was obsessing about him in UK. all I think about is how the man's betrayed me, how crappy the relationship is. How Im being taken advantage of.... n yet Im unable to get out of it. He's not called today,n its driving me nuts.

Its bad... bad ... bad day..??