Tuesday, October 30, 2007

An uneasy feeling grips me from time to time. That time is now. And the feeling has gripped me by the neck and is threatening to strangle me once again.
I would like to articulate the reasons, but they elude me... or I pretend they do.
I peep into the blackhole called 'future' and it scares me.

I walk left and right, thinking of nothing... something. Uneasy.. as always.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, till my chest feels heavy and my mouth goes dry. I want to throw up, but I havent eaten anything.

I long for ma. she's coming this weekend... the days crawl by. I dream a bad dream and I get up with a heavy head.
Unable to smile... so I perfect the fake.

Sunday, October 21, 2007

The New Car

The weekend has gone. And it has been an eventful weekend all right.
I took the first step towards investing in a major project- a car.
Bought a Santro Xing GLS... wine red.
No more getting baked in the heat... no more discomfort... no more bearing the bumps on the roads. Exhilerating.
Have been behaving like a psychopath, ever since I was handed the key. Screaming and shouting at every loser on the road. Praying that people maintain a one-arm distance from my beauty. Honking like there's no tom. ( that's when I hate people who use the horn non-stop while driving!)

Got the entire security system in place and will be buying the music system very soon. Top of the line, with an USB port and MP3 player. It's required.
Have been driving that run down 800 for 3 years now, and the Santro comes like a breath of fresh air, after years of pure torture.

The nervousness was obvious, when I went with mom to buy sweets and then the temple. Being dusshera yesterday, the roads were packed to the hilt, and my mom was sadly subjected to my endless list of abuses, meant for insensitive scooterists and drivers. At one point, I screamed... asking her to shut her door, for I saw cars zipping past... and had an unreal vision of a car breaking the door of my new love on the very first day she walked into my life. My mom looked at me aghast... " Baby u're getting phobic. just relax."
I retaliated" I'll get out and slap anyone who dares to touch my car."

Living in Delhi... the car is bound to undergo her share of scratches and bumps. however... I hope to protect her, till its humanly possible!

On my way to work today, almost went crazy when I got stuck in a traffic jam. Neck to neck driving with angry scooterists trying to inch through the little space between cars, drove me up the wall. I sat, red alert... managing to reach office, without a scartch. Whew!
I was trying to observe the vehicles on the road last evening... and I wasnt able to spot a single one, which didnt have a scratch, or a dent, or a bump. I felt sad.
Its gonna be tough... but I dont want to give up on my darling just yet. Give her up to the angry Delhi roads... subject her to the same shit which every car has gone through here.
I will fight for her rights!!!!
Super Excited... for now.

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

I'm 27

I'm not talking to him.

Though... i'd like to. I'd like to talk to him loadz. To laugh with him. To spend time with him. To see that innocent face again and again. To run away somewhere where noone questions... noone objects.

I'm proud of him this time. He's not said a word ( xcept for a few random messages here and there) He's let me be, just like I wanted. His self control is not as good as mine (I think) I've seen him on his knees. Its not a nice sight to see a man on his knees... but then, he's not a man. He's a boy. And I'm not a girl, I'm a woman (I think!). Who's to decide?

He promised to stay away from me and he did it. I'm proud of him.

I'm smoking like a chimney. I'd decided not to smoke on my Birthday. Yes... I turned 27 on the 11th of October. 12 o'clock and no party... no inclination for one either. Random calls which I didnt want to take... of people who cared... people who bothered to stay up till 12 to wish me. And I decided I didnt want to talk to anyone. So i didn't. Life has become so strange, that now caring for other people's emotions has become totally inconsequential. Indifference prevails.

My best friend in the whole world, messaged me Happy B'day... didnt call. That's Ok. Guess we're all going through our own self-created hell.

Spent the day in a meeting. Post which, tried to figure out, where I had pictured myself at 27. Not here. Not like this. I had my life sorted at 20. I'd mapped out the progression- great job, settled and ready to go. Where am I? A job where my boss is a living specimen of the cold-blooded species. A personal life where I fell 'out of love' with the 'love of my life' due to fuckall circumstances. Where I hurt a guy who loved me with a passion, I'm incapable of returning. So I spent the day huddled in a shell. Inconsolable. Longing for something... anything.

Ma calls me almost everyday now. I think she's worried about me (I'M WORRIED ABOUT ME! ) I listen to her monologue about eating good food, health ... the works (what's with mom's and food, i'll never figure that one out?!)
She called me repeatedly on d B'Day, wanting to know what i'm doing. Whether I'm partying my guts out or not. Whether I'm doing something new, other than going crazy.
I told her politely... "No, I'm going crazy all right. I like it that way. I'm not meeting anyone. Infact, am cutting off from the world. Going into hibernation. Its peaceful. Less troublesome."
She listened. A pained silence followed. An hour later she called again to ask the same questions.
I gave the same answers.
That was my B'day. I'm 27.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Home Alone

Shaken... not stirred... beyond repair.
Every side I turn... a wall. I bang my head against it. I hurt. I bleed. And still no opening.
When things happen, and you lose control of them somewhere in the middle, what do you do?
When you wake up one day and realise that you have made a complete mess of your life, what do you do?
When you want to undo, but cant, what do you do?
When there is a thickness in your chest and a blob in your throat all day long, what do you do?
When you're screaming silently through a regular conversation, what do you do?
When you'd like to freefall off a cliff into an endless pit forever, what do you do?
I dont know what to do.

Home... away from the mess around me. But how do I fight the mess within?
I went to the old man to help me fight. He tried. He failed.
I lay endlessly with my head in ma's lap, the tears soaking her kurta. She stroked my hair to calm me down. Sleep came, suddenly. She sat there for hours. Watching me... maybe praying for her daughter's sanity.
Underwent some therapy through shopping. spending money only gives temporary relief, I've realised.
Rummaged through the miniature library and chanced upon a book called, ' Conversations with the Master' by Satguru Jaggi Vasudev. Whatever. Tried self-help, wasn't in the mood for it. Wanted to let the frustration out.
Sleep evaded me, the restlessness inside taking over my mind and body. Afloat. Underground. Falling. Running against the whirlwind. And the tears didnt stop.
Took a million little minutes out to question them. Where was my centre? Focus. Balance. Lost.

I crave for peace. And it plays with me. I crave for certainty, and it laughs at me.
I've had a headache for days, and now even the head's stopped fighting it.

Is there someone listening?!

Monday, October 08, 2007

Black Magic Man

I believe in black magic... and voodoo dolls... and all the cranks who walk the planet.... in the dark side.

I once went to an old man (more than once actually) who looked at me long and hard. He was dark and wrinkled, with one glass eye. He had bad teeth and a crooked smile. But roughened hands with delicate fingers...those hands had done a lot, seen a lot. Those hands chose to help me....I let those hands help me.
He quietly listened to me, as tears ran down my cheek.

"Jo tu chahegi woh hee hoga"

I didnt believe him. He asked me to be patient. He wrote something on 3 pieces of paper with a yellow sketch pen. I watched the illegible handwriting. Watched as the beautiful hands drew words in Urdu which I didnt understand.

"Paani mein dalkar pee ja"

I went home... excited... apprehensive... scared.
I drank yellow water, and sat on the bed.
I heard mom calling me from a distance. I ran down the steps and started chatting with her. I read a book. Watched TV. Went to the market. But didnt cry...But didnt cry... But didnt think... But didnt remember the pain.

I'm going to him this weekend.

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Get a Grip

So, I got up in the morning and changed the music on my ipod. No more weird music.
So, I'm listening to Cranberries,Red Hot Chili Peppers, Dave Mathews Band now..instead of Imogen Heap, Emiliana Torrini, and the likes! It helps.

So, am driving to office and the mind goes psycho on me again. But I dont allow the tears to come, as much as they give me an eye-ache, somewhere in there. Will exercise mental pressure from now on to suppress the overwhelming feeling of blob-in-throat, which haunts me 24-7.

Oh... not to forget... in the midst of all the mental fuck up, have also decided to try and quit nicotene today. Good step, bad timing. But think, it works within the larger thought of 'trying to get a grip on myself'. I'll be super proud if i'm able to quit NOW, and not any other time in my life. So lets do it.

All in all, I'm going to try and toughen myself as much as I can...

(cant ignore the 26 years of sheltered parental, educational, social environment within which I have existed, and which has resulted in this mega-emotional, over-sensitive nightmare that I am! It takes time...

Will take a while to realise that things happen, and there's nothing one can do about them, so I just gotto learn to deal with them.)

When I think about the course of events in the last 2 months, I realise that I've actually been going with the flow. Allowing myself to be swept away with the whirlwind, like a pale, dying leaf. In the hope of being rescued. Waiting for a miracle.

Tonly reality which is staring me in my face is - miracles don't happen... life happens... and one has to live with it.

Trying to wake up...slowly... painfully.

Making an attempt to get a grip. I cant say with complete conviction that I shall succeed. (Dont be surprised if u read another weird-ass post in a week's time!)

However, lets try.