Tuesday, May 29, 2007

Working on Myself

There are a number of factors which make one ther person one is.
  • Family
  • Environment
  • Friends
  • Socio-economic class
  • Sub consciously embedded values
  • Education
  • Experiences
And possibly many others
In my case, I feel my mother has been the biggest influence in my life. I have emulated her for as long as I can remember. She personifies an innocence and love which I can only hope to give my kids some day. The shrewd streak, the mean bone... its missing.

When I look at myself... I see a few traits...
I'm full of mush and I love it. I live in a world of fantasy... trusting destiny... and believe that that's the world to be in.
Shrewdness? Meanness? Even Smartness... its missing.

I realise that what I am is unique... rare. Its what we call genuineness.
But I am at a loss here.
My experiences have taught me that the values I uphold come secondary to what the world stands for today.
In my quest at being good, I've put some important values on a back bench.
Self Respect

again, I compare myself to my mother here. Her marriage has not been the smoothest in the world. Yet she has stood by my father. Loved him, while he has trampled all over him. For that is what a good Indian wife is supposed to do. And she's been the best.
When I have told her to leave him, she has talked about her kids, family. Again, the cultural and societal values taking precedence over her own happiness.

These traits have somewhere translated into me as well. I've give my heart and soul to relationships. Allowing people to walk all over me, simply because I want to be the sacrifising, loving, Indian woman. The one who goes to any lengths to make things work.

I hear a psychologist discussing relationships in an Oprah episode. He says, people are attracted to certain 'kinds' of people. In the sense, if ure a confident person, u'll find a person who is equally confident.
N if ure not, ure likely to look for a person u can look upto. In the process, u usually allow the person u admire to be the definition of whom u would like to be.

Coming back to me... I'm not the confident person he's talking about, i'm the other. consequently, my story has been somewhat warped.

So... I've decided to take my life into my own hands.

Consciously walk out of the dream world I've created around myself....and put my self respect and dignity FIRST... before I give my love to anyone.

Monday, May 28, 2007

Decision Making

Another decision.
Made many... went back on many... and regretted many.
Yet Another Decision !!!

My 7 resolutions.. to be implemented for a new life...starting tomorrow:

1) Will be selfish
2) Will love myself more than anything in the world
3) Will find my own person again
4) Will not feel guilty about petty things
5) Will not be hard on myself
6) Will move on with my life
7) Will read this post every time my self esteem is low

Thanks K... U made me write this :)

Neck Deep and NOT learning

Went for a wedding this weekend.
Old Friend.
She was seeing this guy for 6 years. He ultimately got married to someone else. Parents instantly pushed the arranged marriage button. Speeded up the manhunt. Presented her with an Irish Indian. She said yes, and within 6 months, she's packed off.

On the engagement evening, we come home. Old friend is losing her mind.

" I cant believe it's not "N" who put that ring on my finger. I cant take this. I cant do this. I cant get married to this guy. I dont even know him. I cant bear the thought of him touching me "

Me, " U've gotto take that leap of faith. Think of all the bad times 'N' has given u. u deserve someone who cares for u. U're very very lucky".

I mean every word I say. But, in my mind I'm a hypocrite. I see myself living the same situation. I see my future, tied to someone whom I'm not in love with... whom I will learn to love with time... whom I'll be forced to love because of circumstances. I see myself longing for another life. the one I had imagined. The perfect ending.

Its morning... we go to the gurdwara. The wedding takes 20 minutes. It's over. I sit behind the bride, living my own wedding, to a stranger, longing for 'S'. I'm crying- not for the bride's happiness, but because of my own sadness.

I know its futile to cry. I know that I deserve a wedding such as hers. I deserve to be with someone who knows me... understands me... and more than anything respects me.

I look at myself in the mirror in the afternoon... and I dont recognise myself. I am 2 people... one- the smiling face who's enjoying the wedding, the other- choking on uncried tears in her head.

I come back to Delhi... and the tears continue to NOT fall... but the chest becomes tighter.
The dreams become blank.
The leap of faith...the choice...the chance seem nightmarish.
They say, unless u're thrown neck deep into a situation, u dont learn how to cope with it.
I'm neck deep and I'm not learning.

Thursday, May 24, 2007

just been tagged by Lemon to reveal my deepest, darkest, murkiest secrets eeiin... kidding... just some fact/habits I have! ;)
Here's my Random Eight:
1.Think everything ... and I mean EVERYTHING comes secondary to my sanity and personal relationships
2. Am obsessed with earings. Have atleast 50 pairs... looking for more.
3. Brag about being a gym freak, but struggle to go more than thrice a week
4. I have a phobia of food smells. Run to put the exhaust on, open windows and doors as soon as food is cooked at home
5. Am unable to say 'NO' to people for things, outings,requests, 99% of the time
6. Am obsessed with my under eye puffiness. Consequently study myself in the mirror atleast 20 times a day ( no exaggeration)
7. Have NOT been single in almost 10 years
8.Presently have my ears, nose, navel pierced. Got my eyebrow pierced too, but had to remove the ring because of family pressure ! : (

Here are the rules of the game:

1.ennumerate 8 facts/habits about ureself
2. Tag eight others

Ok... so whom should I tag... emancipation of eve, master and margarita, black and white, one brown woman, Amores Peros, From a corner, Orangette and anyone else interested/ excited enough... ;)

Tag on !
I miss u baba.

No... not the u that u are now.

But the u that u were....then.

living without baggage

I'm 26. not that old, they say... with my whole life infront of me. Yet when I look back, time has been a whirlwind and events have left marks. Feel older than I am. Feel more evolved than I should be. Feel exposed, when I should be ignorant at some level.

And suddenly it's weighing down on me. I woke up this morning from deep slumber, feeling weak. The dream was insane. Maybe I am insane. But I woke up pulled down. Down. Down. Down.

Gathered my wits together and came to office. Down.
Trying to concentrate...work. Down.

Ultimately, I am forced into introspection, for I have to let go of the baggage which is weighing me down. The smiles are hollow. The heart is pounding. The stomach is turning... and I want to disappear. Anywhere. Run away from myself.

I light a cigarette, and slowly take a drag. My chest caves in. Too many cigarettes. I take another drag, in the hope that it will stop this feeling. Distract me. shift my focus to the cigarette itself.

There is a black hole. Infront of me. I'm walking into it. Maybe coming out of one and mving into another dimension. Have been doing this since I started rationalizing... possibly 15 years ago.

I miss being free. Not thinking. Screaming on top of my lungs and everyone smiling. Innocence. It's sooo far away... and the future seems mysterious... scary.

I question my existence. My movements. My thoughts. My daily existence. My definitions. My biases. My hypocritical nature. I am a hypocrite. I console myself at the thought that we all are. It's a question of degrees.

I am hard on myself. Because I feel regret. I havent taken the right decisions. Grabbed the opportunities. Focused on the important. Always distracted, by the less consequential.

I shall recover. It is only today... this day... this morning which makes me feel this way. However I do... and this morning is just as important as every other morning.No?

So I introspect on how to face my demons. To smile. To be brave. To love myself inspite of the person that I am.

Saturday, May 19, 2007

Missing Mom

Went over to my cousins place last evening. Every time I go there, I realise how deliciously relaxing it is to be with family.
The laughs, the hugs, the smiles. The food!!! the stuff-ure-face-beta.

Living alone, I didnt realise how much I missed it.
Again, extended family and their quirks.

Like jat jokes... getting together HAS to tantamount to : Jats-are-the-best-clan on the planet discussions! and I love them.

Here's the one talked of yesterday:

Saw a man walking down the street with a nike sign. Below it was written... u guessed it... Jats do it !!!

A typical pj, being cracked in a room full of mama's and mausi's and drawing huge guffows!!!

It's times like these which make me miss home.

There I was in the middle of everyone laughing... and thinking of mom-dad.

Living alone can be a heart ache sometimes.

I miss my mommy.

Thursday, May 17, 2007

Work Pressure

I just joined an advertising agency and I love it.

People are fun, place is fun, atmosphere is fun. there's something in the air, which is totally NOT corporate, and coming from a stiff organization ... I love it.

Keeping the atmosphere apart.. lets talk of my job profile. I'm a strategic brand planner. a thinker. The creative one. The one who'll give mind blowing ideas to transform a brand.

Honestly, coming from a market research background, this whole thing baffles me. I consider myself to be mentally alert, a person with an opinion on things, even creative.

and yet, when the tag has been attached to the name, I find myself questioing my creative instincts. Living up to the ideal of a planner is difficult, and at the moment I'm struggling to keep up with the process. I see people look at me and say, " Oh! ure a planner! great! we need a thinker like u!" or... " Great! now u'll take care of our brand !!!"

Well... if there's something called drowning under pressure, then I'm living it.

I do want to come out with fantastic ideas which change the world... or change the manner in which people view advertising... but with the pressure to perform pulling me down, I find myself blank. Or talking jargon. I see a sentence written all over my face, " i'm a fake''

am in the process of trying to not only speak smart... but BE smart.
So anyone who has any advertising websites they want to recommen/ share...please feel free to tell me

Support Needed !!

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Compulsive Liar

why do compulsive liars lie?

The reason I ask is because I think I am one.

I was attracted to 'x' about a month ago, and when bf asked me, I denied it with a vengence and then later adminnted it.

The reason I raise this topic is that this has happened in the past... not once not twice but 5 times. He asks me something... I deny it for days and then I finally admit it.

Why do I do it? what makes me lie to him? Hide things from him?

He's one of the nicest people I know... possibly understanding as well... and still I lie.

And then I blame it- on circumstance, on the situation, on him, on something he did in the past to trigger off the lie.

A lie is a lie is a lie, no matter what the circumstance.

Therefore, my behaviour baffles me. My brain refuses to cooperate. I find easy escapes and excuses not to share things with him, under the pretext that he'll react... or he wont like it... or he'll fight with me... or why should I tell him, I'm not accountable to him.

Bottom line is... I lie to him.

And when reviewing the situation, I realise that I ONLY lie to HIM and noone else. My friends are my supporters, confidantes... the understanding ones.

He is the snappy one, always fighting, pointing fingers.

So why not share with friends instead? Why him?

And this has been the bone of contention in this relationship for 4 years- I DO NOT SHARE. I HIDE. AND WHEN CONFRONTED I DENY

Analysing myself, I know it's true. I've made a mental picture of him as the 'uncool' bf, the 'overpossessive one'. And at some level, ' encroaching my space'. even though, I might share the same incident with friends, and even strangers!!!

Its wrong. Its unfair to him. And Its unfair to my relationship.

n now my even saying that I will share everything is hard to digest, because there is a past I have to deal with. a past where I havent shared. So how does he believe me? So why should he believe me?

What should I do? What can I say?

Friday, May 11, 2007

virtual stalker

check this one out!!


The virtual stalker game is awesome!!!!
My friend just played it on her bf, n now I plan to play it on mine!

hehehe !!!

Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Living Alone

its been a while, I know.

Its a combination of writer's block, lack of will, and constant excuses I've been making to myself about how busy my life has become.

truthfully, I dont think life has been all that boring, that there's nothing to tell. Nor have I been thaaaattt busy, that I could'nt pen down a few thoughts.

So i've narrowed it down to lack of will.

why? I will think that one through in further detail and let u know my thoughts on the same soon !!1 ;)

For the moment, am facing another dilemma.

ok.. for those who don't know, I live alone. Practically alone.
For an Indian girl from a moderately liberal family, I've been given soo much freedom that I should thank my lucky stars everyday.

Ive been running away from home ever since school ended, and with my parents permission !!

I spent college in Delhi, living with my aging grandmom. She was a gentle soul, who knew nothing of what was going on under her very nose. So there were parties on weekends, late nights, sneaking in late, sneaking out late, friends staying over, etc.etc.etc.

I was a free bird.

for my post graduation, things went a step further, I shared an apartment with a friend. Great! It was reliving my college years with twice the freedom. Preparing for mom-dad's annual visit was a task, and all we did was look forward to the after party!

I came back to Delhi and started working. Ofcourse, by then grandmom had grown too old to live alone, so she went to stay with parents.

Consequently, alone again.

U must be wondering what i'm getting at... but hold that thought!

Ok... so... my career span has been relatively short, just close to 2 1/2 years.

all in all close to almost 8 years of living alone.

I've lived alone, Ive fended for myself, I've paid the bills, I've come back home in the evenings to an empty 3 bedroom house and felt great. I've become comfortable with silence. I've made a drink in the evenings sometimes. I've called the bf over whenever Ive missed him. I've had crazy parties. I've laughed alone. I've cried alone. And Ive loved it.

Consequently, the idea of living with someone irritates me, intimidates me and ultimately scares me.
Presently, I'm living that idea.

I was told a month ago by parents that my uncle would be in Delhi and would be staying with me for a period close to 6 months.

" The house has 3 rooms, u take 1 !! there's enough room for everyone, without you guys being in each other's face!! " said my dad.

Well... I was ok with it, initially. He's my dad's brother, traditionally one of those " cool" uncle's, out to be best friend's with their niece. etc. etc.

a month in the arrangement, and I'm ready to scream blood.

Now, there is no issue... he's on his own trip, n so am I.

The problem is with ' Presence' ... There's a presence in the house !! There are questions on TV channels to watch. There are questions on what to eat, when to eat. There are questions on why is 'x' at 'y' place and not at 'z'?

And the beauty of it all is that it's only me who has a problem.

My final thoughts on this:

Too much independence can spoil you. Learning to live with people is important, and I regret looking for opportunities to run away from home half my adult life.