Monday, June 25, 2007

Theory of Acceptance

It is bliss to be at peace with oneself.

The last one year has been full of upheavels, and I have been in the doldrums...

There is a secret which I have discovered lately... which has helped me calm down, get a grip and simply lay back and watch.
It's all about acceptance.
If I am to assume that everything around us is simply fated to happen... the people building their riches... the people celebrating their achievements.... the people begging on the road... were all in one way or the other destined to be where they presently are.... then I have no control over anything anyway.

The theory is tough to aknowledge. You are bound argue that part of our destiny, we make ourselves. But... ignoring the scientific explanation of evolution... the chemicals which are constantly moving around in my head... my exercising organs.... I think what am I and where did I come from and what is this rush I feel today? And I truly feel... science cannot explain it.

There have been thoughts I have fought... ideas I have ignored... issues which I have escalated... but what has been missing all along has been... Acceptance.

To be able to see that I... as an individual... as a human soul... am worth something. That my destiny is taking me in a particular direction, and I am constantly fighting it.

and when I think about it... we all do it... everyday of our lives... trying to change people, that things fall into place the way we would like them to be. Hoping that things would move in the way We want it to move.

and the fact is... it never happens. the more you fight... the more difficult it is to change anything.

The simple rule of acceptance is so difficult to adopt... is it not?

everyday... in the morning... I looked at myself... I had stopped recognising myself in the mirror lately. I tried to change that, by talking to myself... by staring for hours. It didnt work.

A few days ago... I thought... why am I always agitated... always fretting... always hyper... angry....because I cant accept things the way they are.

And so I changed my startegy. I got up in the morning and looked at the mirror and I said to myself " I accept that I've changed. that I dont see myself anymore. That I'm lost in the mess of things..........and it's ok. "

Ive been feeling better about every single breathe that I'm taking ever since.

I still feel I need a lot of work on my self worth... but the process has started... and I'm going to keep myself happy.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

The Party

I'm never throwing a party again.

This last one simply took its toll on me. I'm anyway one of those people who fret too much... start hyperventillating at the drop of a hat... n basically stress till my head hurts.

Thats exactly what happened.
every party starts slow... correct... well... its expected.... n I've seen it happen every time I've thrown a party. the only difference being, this was a BYOB... so I was fretting twice as much that there will be no booze.

the basic problem being... people in India just dont fucking understand the meaning of a fucking BYOB... they insist on ' forgetting', ' being unable to find a booze shop', 'getting late' etc.

So when the party started... i had 5 people walk in without a fucking bottle of alcohol in their hands. n it pissed me off like how.
I was left to entrtain these people with small talk and chicken rolls. In my state of panic, I called another friend who was coming n asked him to carry some extra alcohol.

Fine... i some how got over that crisis.

After which... there was the problem of people bunching up in every corner. Fine... noone knows anyone... but what the fuck is being social??!!! ure supposed to mix.

So... I was left with the task of trying to make people talk to each other..


Is this a master plan to ruin the party.?!

Then the best part of the evening...

I gave up... got drunk +stoned... and passed out on the couch on my own party from mental exhaustion.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Back from Bombay and a strange development.
Last week's tornado of fights appears to have taken its toll on me. Am cold as ice. Never thought I'd say this, but I seem to have lost my sense of emotion. Is that even possible?S

o we are at peace, talking, laughing... and I'm empty inside.

To get over the monotony of things, am planning a party tonight. Calling the world. Always nice to plan a party. A little booze. A few laughs. A little de-stressing. Will do me good, I think.

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

And the anger continues to grow.

Inspite of the HUGE fight... he chose to go to the party. Maybe didnt pick her up, but went. Maybe hung around with her. Or with someone else. But Went. Inspite of everything. Asshole.

Ive never felt like this before. and I can now relate to all the women who call up other women and threaten them to stay away from their boy friends.

I never cnsidered myself to be that kind. But you never knows what can get to you. Its a button waiting to be pressed. Its needs just one stimulant. and all the so-called coolness fades away. And yu

I wanna kill him and I wanna kill her too.

And in the midst of it all, I wanna kill myself as well.

Im sitting in office, going MAD. Biting my nails. Hyperventilating. Smoking one fag after another.

I NEED a mental asylum right now.

I'm Sooo angry... I hope I dont have a heart attack.


Jealousy can be evil.

I experienced it yesterday. It was all consuming. Overpowering. It enveloped me from all directions, and blinded me to insanity.
I yelled. I shrieked. I cried. I screamed till I was hoarse. Numb.

I tried to control myself, but insecurity didnt allow me to. I bit off his tongue. I threatened him with the things I'll never do to myself. I wanted to destroy him. Eat him alive.
I felt anger. Revulsion. Hatred. and every single negative emotion that exists.

I wanted to take a rope and tie him down and whack him blue. I wanted to shake him up till his organs came out of his mouth.

I was livid. I was beside myself with anger.

I wanted to prolong the fight. Keep yelling till I lost my voice. I refused to keep the phone down for 3 hours, and I could have gone on for another 5.

I pleaded to speak and then I screamed. I called him names. I called her names. I proposed a meeting ( maybe to yell in person) but he refused. I think I scared him with my fit. And it was a fit. I have never seen this side of myself.

And later, I made myself a J mechanically...half dead with put my mind to sleep. I slept fitfully. The conversation reverberating in my head in my sleep.

I got up feeling angry. At myself. for giving away my insecurity. For allowing him to see my weakness. For making him feel important.

Was that really me?

I smoked a cigarette before I brushed. I packed my bags like a zombie. I'm going to Bombay today for a week. My excitement has died down. Infact, Im dreading the queries about him from mom, dad... n sis.

How do I tell them that I'm losing the plot... within myself and with this fuckall relationship which is driving me up the fucking wall?

Chill Out

I want to stay cool...
Be calm and composed... let nothing effect me... the ice maiden... the beyond-it-all.
Be triumphant under pressure.... not allow emotions to overrun me..

reply to queries with a detached... 'yes' or ..' no'... or ' maybe'

Not only pretend to destress... actually destress.

And by destress I mean... enjoy every minute I've got....

Coz I might be dead tom...

I hope I succeed