Sore Loser

The pleasure I get from competing troubles me sometimes. There are things about myself which I still cant seem to fathom...the irritation which hits me in the middle of my eyes every time I realise things aren't going exactly how they should be ... when I'm not on top of the game.
we've been competing since childhood, havent we? trying to win the rat race... trying to earn that extra buck... trying to get the best scores... trying to be the one to reckon with... trying to be IT ALL...
2 incidents come to mind when I think of what competitive sport... or competition per se means to me:

1) Am in the process of trying to master the spanish language... am nowhere close! started learning a month and a half ago... muy bien!! So there i am mugging the vocabulary to the core... trying to understand the difference between ' ER' verbs and ' AR' verbs... reflexive versis regular verbs... and it is slowly driving me insane... but then again, i need to be on top of things... so i struggle and I cry and I prepare for the mid-term exam.
Hubby sees my enthusiasm... gets into the groove himself... takes a day off work, so he can study just as much... i study harder, seeing him pacing up and down the room and mugging away.
We head towards the exam centre... i'm still flipping through my books in the car... we sit one seat apart... the examination begins..... tic toc tic toc... and i'm frantically churning out all the vocabulary i can come up with... it is but complicated...
He peeps into my paper once... twice... thrice... and i let him cheat from me... coz that's what we did in school and college... that was almost the norm ... wasnt it? u dont hide ure answers from a friend in need... especially if he's ure hubby, ya?!
i submit my paper... and he submits his... the profesora says she'll check the papers then and there... Sure... why not? i wait...hanging on to every mark which i get, as i watch her check my paper.... finally... vocab+ comprehension= 69/75.... WOW!!!! thats not bad at all for a start! am thrilled...
she begins checking hubby's paper... i'm holding onto every mark... i know inspite of myself i WANT to score better than him... I studied harder than him, for christ sake!!! ... vocab+ comprehension= 71.5/75... he's gloating... he's crossed the '70 mark' ... he's showing off!!!
I AM ON THE VERGE OF LOSING IT!!! I control myself, gather my things and we head home... am in constant conversation with myself, and none with him... he cannot fathom my behaviour... i know i'm being unreasonable... am sulking.... non stop... and yet there are tears pricking me at the back of my eyes... and i want to hit him for cheating from me and then going and scoring better than me... and i go on to ruin the day by being cold and mean ... but i cannot bring myself to tell him why... i cannot bring myself to admit that i was feeling like shit because of 1 1/2 mark!!! ....and i'm a child again...
2) We play badminton on weekends... it was my idea... i know i'm a better player than him... have been playing longer.... practicing harder and simply know the tactics of the game... it's been 4 weeks since we started playing, and invariably i win.... but somewhere along the way, he's figured out my game... he knows where i'll hit, he can counter the drop shots and the smashes... and he knows where to hit, where i wont be able to reach the shuttle. I cheat. i dont deny it... but so does he... there is no net... there are no boundaries... we play in the backyard... and so the game is rough... unfair...and simply rude. Today he won the first game... I, the second... him the third... I, the fourth....BUT... i didnt start out well... I lost the first game... and that was all that was needed to get me fuming... i started hitting all over the court... i deliberately made him run... hit the shuttle in corners which were unfair...and even though we were even at the end of the game... i was feeling like shit... why? because i played unfair... because i knew that somehow my victory was hollow... the games i'd won, were not mine to begin...
so i lashed out at him... coz that's what people do... when u know that u've wronged, all ure defenses stand up... and i told him that today's was a crappy game, and he played badly. Did he expect the shuttle to fall into his lap? wasnt a game meant that he needed to move around in court? what the hell was he doing... blah... blah... blah....

And THEN I say i'm competitive....
I just realised ... i'm a sore loser... and i think almost 90% of us are... it just takes a lot of heart to end the game with a smile on ure face... I feel like shit

today... I am

days gone by... and more days which pass.
I've been watching them go by... in a haze... coz thats what i do... thats what I know... thats what i like...
i will believe that one of these days things will hit me... i'll digest what ive done... i'll understand the lives i've linked to mine... till then... i'm just a silent observer

Life after Death

Its been three months and finally I feel the need to write.
Hmm... what do I tell u? That I'm happily married and living a life of bliss or that finally dreams are becoming a reality.
I probably shouldve listened... should have thought some more... analysed... rationalised... but my decision making ability had gone for a six, and continues to be missing till date.

So how were the last two months, u ask? A haze, I tell u...

I look at the husband and rarely recognize him... I look at myself in the mirror and try to talk.. "ure married now, things have changed... life is different... things dont happen the way they used to when u were single and free"

Well.. the concept suddenly seems overrated.... and now that i'm neck deep into shit... I wanna get out and how!!!

Ofcourse... there are few choices when one is in a situation such as mine ... and so i continue to break head over the inevitability of it all.

There are a few things which I have discovered about myself since the wedding:

- I'm a highly individualistic person... its next to impossible to share myself with anyone... I just love myself too much... or dont?
- I've put people into soo many stereotypes all my life, that now its impossible not to categorise. Impossible not to laugh at tradition... impossible not to note conformism... impossible not to be the rebel in a norm bound society.
- I'm probably in greater mental trouble than I had anticipated initially. The mind plays games with you, if u allow it too... but what happens when u let the mind dictate u completely. When u are no seperate from ure irrational thoughts... when u are the thoughts... when u are ruled by them... when u get panic attacks simply from thinking too much... when the hair on the back of ure neck stand and u feel heat, simply because u see a black hole called life stretching out infront of u. Who says that the picture of that life cannot be happy... it can be... but when the mind clouds ure head with negativity.

When the inclination to fix ure life leaves u...

How do I bring myself to make an effort... for him... for myself... how can u make ureself love someone who is a complete antithesis of anyone u ever wanted to be with.
Now that the deed is done... how do I carry on?

This too shall pass

And so... the deed is done.
I met a stranger and now strange things seem to be happening to me. I decided to do the unexpected, and now the unexpected is happening to me.
I'm getting married... on the 19th of April...to a man whom I met a month ago.
Life has been moving like a tornado since I made the decision. Facts and fiction blurred. Is it MY wedding or someone else's?
The woman who lives in a dream, has been hit by reality, and doesnt know where to turn.
Don't ask me how I did it... how I said yes. I've tried to decipher that exact question ever so often in the last month. I look at myself in the mirror and am not certain that it's me...
He is everything my parents want... and at some level so do I. I wanted to be with someone who respected me... and here I have all the respect in the world. I wanted to be appreciated for who I am.. and that is exactly what is happening.
And yet...the past haunts me... my decisions haunt me... my life haunts me....I haunt me.
The mentally deranged woman in me screams again and again. The Rudali crying inside of me... what do I want? Dunno. Just to let it out.