Scream

I want to scream soo loud that my throat goes hoarse and the world stops in its path.

I want my lungs to explode with smoke and my eyes to pop out.

I want to collapse from exhaustion and feel my body going numb on me.

I want to go to the hills where my voice echoes and the surroundings absorb my pain.

I want to feel all feeling leave my body, so I'm free to feel anew.

Met the Parents

Eventful weekend.
Stubbed the cigarettes. Hid the alcohol. Smoked the joints over. And sobered out.
It was time to meet the parents.
The dress designers consisted of mom and mausi. Clear instructions were handed out
" Underdress... without too much makeup" Followed the ruled, blindly.

A red and black suit.. natural makeup... no lipstick. Looked sorted. The kind of a girl every ma-in-law craves for. ( well... maybe!)

They entered... full of warmth and laughter. I sat... surrounded... shy inspite of myself. Have never been scrutinised like this before. So just didnt know how to react. spoke when spoken to. Laughed at the right points. Smiled when was smiled at. I was all nerves, and I knew it... maybe even they knew it.
They went out of their way to make me comfortable. I liked it. I liked them. I pictured myself hugging the mom. The thought didnt suffocate me to death. It seemed possible.
Infact, it happened!!! On her way out.. the lady turns around and hugs me tight ... " now its upto u, beta. "
Upto me?! Huh? come to think about it... maybe.

I went and looked at myself in the mirror later. Not a bad looking girl, I say. Show Stopper? No. Head Turner? Yes.
I want things to work. For once. I'm trying to be open about this. Besides that unbelievable smile has gone and gotten stuck somewhere in my throat... between my wind pipe and heart. I breathe it everyday. I look at it atleast once a day to figure out what it means.
Which is why I'm scared. When you want things real bad, and they are close to materializing, and you want the forces to work in your favour... its times like those that disappointment is hard to take.
Questions race through my mind... what if we dont click? What if he doesnt like me? the thought of me not liking him, crosses my mind... but I doubt it. If he's a reflection of his parents... he'll be nice. I'm certain. ... sorta certain! I hope!

I have to wait... patiently. Till Dec end. He's coming. We will meet. But so far, life seems to have started moving.... positively.

An uneasy feeling grips me from time to time. That time is now. And the feeling has gripped me by the neck and is threatening to strangle me once again.
I would like to articulate the reasons, but they elude me... or I pretend they do.
I peep into the blackhole called 'future' and it scares me.

I walk left and right, thinking of nothing... something. Uneasy.. as always.
I smoke cigarette after cigarette, till my chest feels heavy and my mouth goes dry. I want to throw up, but I havent eaten anything.

I long for ma. she's coming this weekend... the days crawl by. I dream a bad dream and I get up with a heavy head.
Unable to smile... so I perfect the fake.

The New Car

The weekend has gone. And it has been an eventful weekend all right.
I took the first step towards investing in a major project- a car.
Bought a Santro Xing GLS... wine red.
No more getting baked in the heat... no more discomfort... no more bearing the bumps on the roads. Exhilerating.
Have been behaving like a psychopath, ever since I was handed the key. Screaming and shouting at every loser on the road. Praying that people maintain a one-arm distance from my beauty. Honking like there's no tom. ( that's when I hate people who use the horn non-stop while driving!)

Got the entire security system in place and will be buying the music system very soon. Top of the line, with an USB port and MP3 player. It's required.
Have been driving that run down 800 for 3 years now, and the Santro comes like a breath of fresh air, after years of pure torture.

The nervousness was obvious, when I went with mom to buy sweets and then the temple. Being dusshera yesterday, the roads were packed to the hilt, and my mom was sadly subjected to my endless list of abuses, meant for insensitive scooterists and drivers. At one point, I screamed... asking her to shut her door, for I saw cars zipping past... and had an unreal vision of a car breaking the door of my new love on the very first day she walked into my life. My mom looked at me aghast... " Baby u're getting phobic. just relax."
I retaliated" I'll get out and slap anyone who dares to touch my car."

Living in Delhi... the car is bound to undergo her share of scratches and bumps. however... I hope to protect her, till its humanly possible!

On my way to work today, almost went crazy when I got stuck in a traffic jam. Neck to neck driving with angry scooterists trying to inch through the little space between cars, drove me up the wall. I sat, red alert... managing to reach office, without a scartch. Whew!
I was trying to observe the vehicles on the road last evening... and I wasnt able to spot a single one, which didnt have a scratch, or a dent, or a bump. I felt sad.
Its gonna be tough... but I dont want to give up on my darling just yet. Give her up to the angry Delhi roads... subject her to the same shit which every car has gone through here.
I will fight for her rights!!!!
Super Excited... for now.