mind funk

First I went online and searched for Sachin's name n then i went on to facebook... unblocked Sachin and saw his picture.

Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.

n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.

N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...

think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?

and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.

Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.

n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.

n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.