Jealousy

Jealousy can be evil.

I experienced it yesterday. It was all consuming. Overpowering. It enveloped me from all directions, and blinded me to insanity.
I yelled. I shrieked. I cried. I screamed till I was hoarse. Numb.

I tried to control myself, but insecurity didnt allow me to. I bit off his tongue. I threatened him with the things I'll never do to myself. I wanted to destroy him. Eat him alive.
I felt anger. Revulsion. Hatred. and every single negative emotion that exists.

I wanted to take a rope and tie him down and whack him blue. I wanted to shake him up till his organs came out of his mouth.

I was livid. I was beside myself with anger.

I wanted to prolong the fight. Keep yelling till I lost my voice. I refused to keep the phone down for 3 hours, and I could have gone on for another 5.

I pleaded to speak and then I screamed. I called him names. I called her names. I proposed a meeting ( maybe to yell in person) but he refused. I think I scared him with my fit. And it was a fit. I have never seen this side of myself.

And later, I made myself a J mechanically...half dead with exhaustion...to put my mind to sleep. I slept fitfully. The conversation reverberating in my head in my sleep.


I got up feeling angry. At myself. for giving away my insecurity. For allowing him to see my weakness. For making him feel important.

Was that really me?

I smoked a cigarette before I brushed. I packed my bags like a zombie. I'm going to Bombay today for a week. My excitement has died down. Infact, Im dreading the queries about him from mom, dad... n sis.

How do I tell them that I'm losing the plot... within myself and with this fuckall relationship which is driving me up the fucking wall?