Its been a while... a very loong while.
what prompted me to write again? cant say. but here I am.
A quick update... without a job, with a child.
how does it feel? and how is it going?
If routine can get monotonous, then bringing up a baby is the mother of all routines.
Have spent the last 6 months doing exactly the same (damn) thing, day after day after day...
No.. am not complaining ( well! maybe, just a li'l... but then... out here I'm allowed!!!) ... n yes... still lovvve the li'l baby to death!!
p.s. its a girl!
n hows the marriage coming along out here?
can i vent, plzzzzz...
FUCKING HELL!!!!
IF EVER THERE WAS A GUY WHO WAS A HUNDRED YEARS OLD AT THE AGE OF 33... THEN IT IS THE MAN.
So, the man goes and quits his job... yes! u heard me right... he's jobless TOOOOO!!! why? dont ask... tooo freaking long a story to write rite now...
bottom line... two jobless women and a baby... eeeeeeeeeeiiinn.... NOT HAPPENING!! yes... the man is a woman... just slightly short of a sex change operation.
" there's too much dust in the house"
" Tell the maid to clean the loo properly"
" Please rinse ure plate before keeping it in the sink" ( I mean! what the fuck am i paying the goddamn maid for if i gotto rinse the fucking plate before putting it in the fucking sunk! Moron!)
" the sheets need to be changed"
" Please wipe the water off the basin after u wash ure face" ( im in the bloody loo to create a water bath assshole!)
" Why dont u do a damn thing in the house?!!! ( Coz i have U??!! hello??!! Aint it obvious?!)
and the beat goes on!!!
So... I suggest to the man... " Buster I'm beginning to loose my mind..( which I truly am!) so lemme go home for a few days"
Man " U always think about ureself! I'm at my lowest without a job...what am I gonna do if u n baby leave?"
I'm thinking to myself..." find a job, ya?"
Me" ok... but its my dad's cataract operation" ( well... it was supposed to happen soommeeettimme... i thought why not now??!)
Man" but its my parents b'day!"
Me" ure comparing operation to B'day??! Sorry... operation is more crucial"
Man " ure sooo selfish... blah blah blah"
by now, i've lost my head... his face is causing some serious short circuits in my brain, and I decide I dont want to continue this conversation else i'll scream!
Me" lets not talk"
Man" u always want things ure way"
Silence.
An hour later... am lying in bed... almost asleep
Man " ure so selfish... its my parents b'day"
Me" Me no talk"
Turn my back to man and try to crash.
Man cant handle being ignored... pulls out the pillow from under my head and takes my blanket n throws it on the floor.
I ignore... somewhere in my head am laughing at his frustration ( my mean streak coming out) cant resist a smile... he sees it... he's hopping mad!!
after 10 min... i pick up the blanket, pillow, put it back on the bed and then remember that smoke lying in my bag. time for a breather.
get up and walk to the other room... man follows ( pest)... " why wont u talk to me... blah ! blah blah!"
I take out the smoke, begin to light it...
Pissed off Pest" u cant smoke in the house!Go out!"
Thats it! I crack!
I muster up all my strength and hit him hard on his leg...
" Dog... YOU ARE FUCKING INNNNTOOOLLEERRAABBLLEE!!"
... i get up, go and sit on the window sill... 60 seconds later ... i feel a hard smack on my left cheek... it hits my eye and my entire left side stings... my eye starts watering involuntarily and I see stars for 10 seconds.
i'm in shock... it came 60 seconds too late and I didnt anticipate it!... I cant react.... so no cheek for cheek happens...
I decide to go home.... first thing in the morning.
The man blocks my way as i try to goto the fone to call home... he snatches the laptop as I try to book the flight... he aoplogizes and tries to continue the conversation.
But ofcourse... there's no scope for conversation. I fix my gaze at the bookcase behind his head and zip my mouth shut... the frustration gets to him... but the pest continues to chew my ears for another 40 mins on what a selfish bitch i am in his time of need.
I get up in the morning and leave.
Thursday, August 12, 2010
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Shockers
A few shockers:
- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.
Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...
Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.
I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long
- Michael Jackson's dead
- I'm Expecting.
Hmm... caught u off guard on the IInd one didnt I. No... it was not planned. Yes... We've debated for 2 weeks whether we're ready for this or not. No... I dont have the heart to go through a termination. Yes... the relationship is too fragile to bring in another life into the middle of the mess.
While confusion prevails...I feel the nausea gripping me each morning. It starts from the pit of my stomach and leaves pin pricks at the back of my neck. I try not to throw up... I succeed... but the metallic taste in mouth all day reminds me that something is growing inside me.
I feel my belly... no real signs of life... and yet when I see the sonography pics I know that a pea sized human is taking shape there.
I'm scared. Not like I was when things didnt work out with me and Sachin... not like when I realised what a huge decision I'd taken by getting married to someone so different from me. I'm scared for someone else... a little someone who's inside me. I'm scared about what kind of a mother I'm likely to be... will I be able to give as much as I've got from my mom.
And truly... have I really digested what it all means. I havent come to grips, I know. But I'm going with the flow...
Somewhere... I want this child... desperately. The one person whom I will be able to love again... unconditionally. The one person I know who will make things worth it. Who'll make the marriage easier to live with.The one person who'll help me forget the past and force me to live in the present... with him/her.
I havent felt love in my heart for so long...Too long
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
Our song
There was a song... and it was mine and his song... and it was special... and I heard you hum it to me...
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?
I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...
but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.
And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years
When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.
I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.
Of all the songs in the world... why did u hum me that song?
How do u know the song? Who are u?
I write what comes to mind and I write random... but when I read your comment yesterday, I felt strange... and I thought " cant be! Ive never given him the url to my blog"...
but the song u hummed ... it filled my heart...and it made me cry and it made me miss him... and I closed my eyes and wished we were together again... like we used to be... a million years ago.
And then suddenly, I opened my eyes and thought..." No". U had your chances... and u never took them...Love cares ... but u didnt...u hurt me...... again and again... deliberately... for years
When u treat people u love like dirt for too long, one day they crack and leave.I'm not as hurt anymore... i'm angry.
I hope u realise what u've lost, baba.
Thursday, June 04, 2009
book
i'm gonna write a book.
Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...
Watch the bookshelves
Not a chicken soup for the ' physically married- mentally unmarried woman'
but i'm gonna write...
Watch the bookshelves
Monday, March 09, 2009
mind funk
First I went online and searched for Sachin's name n then i went on to facebook... unblocked Sachin and saw his picture.
Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.
n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.
N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...
think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?
and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.
Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.
n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.
n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.
Is it becoz i'm going to Delhi tom? or is it becoz i still feel for him... after a year of marriage and a year and a half of breakup... do i still feel for the man?
I think so.
n it makes my heart sore... n my head heavy n my thoughts cloudy everytime i see his picture.
N i wanna know why? still? after all the time...
think i need a new distraction... marriage wasnt good enough. Shud i have a kid?
and then i want to understand why that guy has a hold on me... why do i just have to see his freaking face and my emotions start doing a 360 degree turn inside me. Why is it that i cant begin to feel even 1% of that madness for d husband.
Do i love d husband? last week i thought so... the week before last i missed him when he travelled.Then day before we fought and i hated him. and i wanted to leave... right then, that second.
n then there are times when i cant take it anymore. when i feel like i'll collapse under the burden of being the grown up one.of being mature... doing the right thing.
n right now... i'm just pissed with myself for thinking these thoughts and penning them down and then wishing that i wasnt thinking them.
Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Sun Burnt in Goa
I have been but a fool... all along. I know that.
Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.
I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.
And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"
And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.
And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.
And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.
And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.
And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.
Although I'd like to stop paying the price for every mistake made, I realise, god has a lot in store for me to learn.
I went to Goa with him for 5 days. Just the 2 of us. The ideal romantic getaway.
It started off peacefully and then came the bumps... a little bickering here... and a little nastiness there. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Talk. Smile. Laugh. Snap. Shout. Shut Up. Stomp out. Smoke. disapproval. More smoke.
And then it was a cycle. n I couldn't break out of it... n somehow nor could he.
and I'd like to say for the record..."I didn't start them all"
And I discovered that apart from the emotional and mental distance between us, there is the physical which could emerge. Our fights didn't stop us from getting down and dirty.... but hurtful conversations here and there pointed in that directions.
And I cried.... in Goa... on the beach... by the beautiful water.... underneath my glares... listening to my ipod... smoking a j... I cried.
And the tears from then have not ended. And the bickering, we carried back to Mumbai. So in the middle of the smiles and sarcasm... we argued again.
And I can't take it anymore.... coz I miss the time when he was nice to me... and that time all i was was nasty... and now the roles have reversed and so are the emotions.
And I don't have the courage to face what's coming. And for god knows how long it will last. Say who has the capacity to go through death, birth, and whetever else lies in between.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
I didnt just do this
i behaved like a crazy, loony woman in love...
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country
Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES
aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.
Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?
what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?
i went at 11pm to the airport with flowers and a garland ( garland was for cheap thrills ofcourse!)to welcome the husband back into the country
Cheesy. YES
Corny. YES
Soppy. YES
aaannnddd... i did this all with a smile on my face n in my head.
Have I fallen for the man??? Have I ? Have I?
what'd u have to say to that now buster?
What's the verdict?
Thursday, February 12, 2009
No reason to be mad... But Am
ok... so the husband went off to the United States of Amrika on Monday last...
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!
My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.
The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.
Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.
Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...
the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!
Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....
Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!
eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.
Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?
I've been waiting for this one week for the last 2 months... and it finally came!
My plans varied from getting drunk everynight to getting stoned every night! Amazingly, none of which has happened! Why? How? dont ask me...
n now we're creeping in on Sat... and i'm nowhere close to doing any of the craziness I had planned.
The mega party which was scheduled for Friday (today) is now cancelled... and am not in the mood to reschedule it to Sat.
Am however planning to go for Anoushka Shankar tom at Blue Frog... which should be a saviour... i need some music to soothe my troubled mind right now.
Why am I troubled you ask?
Am unable to put my finger on it...
the husband reached NY yesterday... where he's bonding with sister, husband, new born kid and his parents... the family saga continues in Amrikka... n it's irritating me out here in India. considering all I wanted was to be left alone, and I thought what he did, where he did and how did it was of no concern to me once he was out of my hair... this irritation comes as a surprise!
Jealousy... that too not towards another woman, but towards his family reflects on my mental condition tremendously. Am I ok? Am I losing it? Is this some psychological ailment, probably researched and recorded by trained analysts... called 'Post-marital-wierdass Envy' Syndrome
Dunno... its getting on my nerves, is all I know... and therefore... am getting on his nerves....
Another theory... I think I hate him...but am simply missing the man... have actually fallen for him, without knowing it... just like an MB story... and in the end, will realise that he is actually the man of my dreams!
eeeeeeiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnn.... not happening.
Why am i so pissed with him... n myself?
Sunday, February 08, 2009
Hungover Over the Weekend
The weekend'z been its usual bizarre self... between fights with the husband,walk outs and boiling tempers, have managed to go n watch ' Karsh Kale/ Medieval Punditz' live as well as catch Dev D.
It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.
Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!
I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:
-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)
Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
-------------------------------***********-------------------------------
It really is always a high listening to these guys playing, and this being almost the 5-6th time i've heard them live... it was bliss! the only thing i miss while lsitening to this genre of muzik is being stoned out of my wits... so there i was... high on alcohol, n missing a spliff, and right next to the stage, standing with this couple who were obviously on 'E' n sipping away at water ... n I wanted to be mind fucking stoned soooo badly at that very second..
Amongst my various plans in Mumbai... the latest one is to find a dealer.... whether the husband likes it or not.
Now... what reaffirmed the thought that my plan was the best plan at this point? watching Dev D.
The movie was real, pacy, bizarre, trippy and just made me wanna let go. I could see myself stoned out of my wits, lying in some street corner, talking to a stray dog!
I soooo want to let go these days... all the time... just to be able to exist without the burden of sanity... for a while... am envious:
-Of all the stoners in Blue Frog on Sat...
- Of Dev D for not giving a shit about jack shit
- Of the Israeli's who come n plonk themselves in Goa for 6 months and do nothing but chill
- Of every musician who understands what musik is and the high one can get from it ( where did that come from?!!)
Am losing it this bright working monday morning in office
-------------------------------***********-------------------------------
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
Love Goa... Hate the Goans
Can I be a casteist?
Well... I claim to be anti-racist/ casteist and all the speil... but here i am pissed out of my wits at this freaking community... coz they just do sooo much justice to all the cliches which exist in their name!!!
Gawd!!!
No... i'm not talking about Bengalis :P
I'm talking about Goans!!!Well... u may be surprised ... even in post traumatic shock... that i should have anything against a communiaty so 'gay' ( pun intended)
Well... here's how the story goes:
I'm in the process of booking a holiday in Feb to Goa. So i discover this
So i call up the Resort... and this dumbass goan picks up-
Me: Need to book a room for 2 from x to y dates
DA( Dumbass): huh? What are the dates?
Me: xxxxxxx to yyyyyyyyy
DA: hmm... lemme see... yes they are available
Me: what's the cost?
DA: Rs 5500
Me: and the discount?
DA: Ok... i'll give it to you for Rs. 4400
Me: Ok... Rs 4400 * 4 nights= Rs.17600... ya? and your website says there's a package on 3 nights and 4 days for Rs.17,500... so u'll give it to me for the same price and an extra day??
DA ( confused): eeerrr... can i call u back in an hour?
Me: ok... ( dumbass!)
No call and 1 day later... i call again.. Dumbass II answers the phone this time
Me: Well... i called yesterday asking for xyz details... noone called me back... can u tell me at what price r u willing to give me a deal for 4 NIGHTS AND 5 DAYS????????
DA II: huh?uh..? can i call u back in 1 hour?
Me: ok.... (DUMBASS!!)
No call and 1 hour later i call agin... and noone picks up the phone... FROM 11AM TO 4PM... EVERY ONE HOUR... AND NO FREAKING ASSHOLIC GOAN JERK PICKS UP THE PHONE!!
i go to the website... and guess what i find... the rates for the 3 nights and 4 days package which were Rs.17,500 until last night have been upped to Rs.19990...
LAZY DUMB SLIMY ASSHOLES!!!
and then there is a war against being biased towards ANY freaking community! these no-good shitheads deserve the racism man!
Well... I claim to be anti-racist/ casteist and all the speil... but here i am pissed out of my wits at this freaking community... coz they just do sooo much justice to all the cliches which exist in their name!!!
Gawd!!!
No... i'm not talking about Bengalis :P
I'm talking about Goans!!!Well... u may be surprised ... even in post traumatic shock... that i should have anything against a communiaty so 'gay' ( pun intended)
Well... here's how the story goes:
I'm in the process of booking a holiday in Feb to Goa. So i discover this
So i call up the Resort... and this dumbass goan picks up-
Me: Need to book a room for 2 from x to y dates
DA( Dumbass): huh? What are the dates?
Me: xxxxxxx to yyyyyyyyy
DA: hmm... lemme see... yes they are available
Me: what's the cost?
DA: Rs 5500
Me: and the discount?
DA: Ok... i'll give it to you for Rs. 4400
Me: Ok... Rs 4400 * 4 nights= Rs.17600... ya? and your website says there's a package on 3 nights and 4 days for Rs.17,500... so u'll give it to me for the same price and an extra day??
DA ( confused): eeerrr... can i call u back in an hour?
Me: ok... ( dumbass!)
No call and 1 day later... i call again.. Dumbass II answers the phone this time
Me: Well... i called yesterday asking for xyz details... noone called me back... can u tell me at what price r u willing to give me a deal for 4 NIGHTS AND 5 DAYS????????
DA II: huh?uh..? can i call u back in 1 hour?
Me: ok.... (DUMBASS!!)
No call and 1 hour later i call agin... and noone picks up the phone... FROM 11AM TO 4PM... EVERY ONE HOUR... AND NO FREAKING ASSHOLIC GOAN JERK PICKS UP THE PHONE!!
i go to the website... and guess what i find... the rates for the 3 nights and 4 days package which were Rs.17,500 until last night have been upped to Rs.19990...
LAZY DUMB SLIMY ASSHOLES!!!
and then there is a war against being biased towards ANY freaking community! these no-good shitheads deserve the racism man!
Friday, January 16, 2009
Coupling
Its Friday evening and i'm doing the 'couple thing' ... AGAIN!
Have been cordially invited to the house of another 'couple' for a 'Pasta party'... How Marvelous!!
This 'coupleish' act has been going on for approximately 8 months now ( The 'happiest-day-of-my-life' day was in April)
We eat together, sleep together, breathe together... How utterly totally completely disgustingly romantic!!
Have been cordially invited to the house of another 'couple' for a 'Pasta party'... How Marvelous!!
This 'coupleish' act has been going on for approximately 8 months now ( The 'happiest-day-of-my-life' day was in April)
We eat together, sleep together, breathe together... How utterly totally completely disgustingly romantic!!
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
Overworking the head
So...
A few developments in the head:
- the 'motherly instincts' have woken up... suddenly and with a vengeance... everyone around me seems to be popping babies... and if not.. they're nursing 1 or 2 year olds... i goto a mall and i see kids... i go for a walk i see toddlers... i close my eyes and i see babies. What the hell?!!!
the reason this development is driving me up the wall is becoz, i know that having kids at this point in time is probably the worst idea i can come up with.
Not even been married for a year, and i'm thinking the family way! considering stability in marriage has not come....inspite of all the time spent... i have to make the wiser decision of waiting.
- Talking about the missing stability in marriage :
Well... the link is slowly disappearing... and we are becoming strangers to each other even as i write this. 8 painful months and now we've reached that point when a fight means zero communication for the next 2 days. and even if there is some conversation in the middle... its usually an attempt to bite each other's head off. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and after the last episode it has slowly disappeared all together.
Random thoughts keep coming and going... ideas of how to escape. Useless, defunct, unimplementable ideas... but they help me hang in there... else... there isnt much to dream about in my life at this point, is there
A few developments in the head:
- the 'motherly instincts' have woken up... suddenly and with a vengeance... everyone around me seems to be popping babies... and if not.. they're nursing 1 or 2 year olds... i goto a mall and i see kids... i go for a walk i see toddlers... i close my eyes and i see babies. What the hell?!!!
the reason this development is driving me up the wall is becoz, i know that having kids at this point in time is probably the worst idea i can come up with.
Not even been married for a year, and i'm thinking the family way! considering stability in marriage has not come....inspite of all the time spent... i have to make the wiser decision of waiting.
- Talking about the missing stability in marriage :
Well... the link is slowly disappearing... and we are becoming strangers to each other even as i write this. 8 painful months and now we've reached that point when a fight means zero communication for the next 2 days. and even if there is some conversation in the middle... its usually an attempt to bite each other's head off. Patience has never been one of my virtues, and after the last episode it has slowly disappeared all together.
Random thoughts keep coming and going... ideas of how to escape. Useless, defunct, unimplementable ideas... but they help me hang in there... else... there isnt much to dream about in my life at this point, is there
Waking up to 2009
ok...
here we go... resolutions for 2009... Approximately 14 days late :P
1. will start blogging again...i know i suffer from these bursts of sudden enthusiasm, followed by complete hibernation... however, I shall work on them... and conquer!!!
Am in an exceptionally positive mood this morning...
2. Will make new friends in Mumbai... history to this statement: Moved to Mumbai in April... am feeling lost like how... dont know a soul in this city... is driving me nuts... am a people's person from as long as i can remember, but now am in this fantastic city, without a social circle. So far my attempts at the same have fallen flat on my face:
A) Joining a job: Have joined work... not a soul here exists whom I wantto have a conversation more
that "hi" ... leave alone become bum chums with! How snobbish am i ?? Well... I realise my negatives... but the truth remains... that is how i am... and i have accepted myself
B)Joined weird ' meet up groups' which dont meet up... or are filled with frustrated men who think a 'meetup' group= to easy women who want to get laid!! It is truly disgusting... isnt it!
3. Will make the marriage work...its gonna be tough... its gonna be hard... but i shall give it my best. even as i type this, i can sense the revolt taking place inside me. My heart is turning, and the the chest is tightening. I dont love him... I wanto to love him... I dont know how... considering that he's nothing but nice to me... I really dont know what I want from a partner. Sometimes, i think i will turn out to be one of those crazy women who get up one morning, meticulously pack their things and disappear... and noone is able to trace them ever again... Like in the movie, 'The Hours' I've already shortlisted the places i'd like to disappear to... definitely Europe... i'll become an illegal immigrant.. and get lost in the Spanish desert...
Heck no... I have to make this marriage work... coz I chose this.
Thats the resolution for the year, the ' no smoking' resolution I shall postpone to 2010 :)
here we go... resolutions for 2009... Approximately 14 days late :P
1. will start blogging again...i know i suffer from these bursts of sudden enthusiasm, followed by complete hibernation... however, I shall work on them... and conquer!!!
Am in an exceptionally positive mood this morning...
2. Will make new friends in Mumbai... history to this statement: Moved to Mumbai in April... am feeling lost like how... dont know a soul in this city... is driving me nuts... am a people's person from as long as i can remember, but now am in this fantastic city, without a social circle. So far my attempts at the same have fallen flat on my face:
A) Joining a job: Have joined work... not a soul here exists whom I wantto have a conversation more
that "hi" ... leave alone become bum chums with! How snobbish am i ?? Well... I realise my negatives... but the truth remains... that is how i am... and i have accepted myself
B)Joined weird ' meet up groups' which dont meet up... or are filled with frustrated men who think a 'meetup' group= to easy women who want to get laid!! It is truly disgusting... isnt it!
3. Will make the marriage work...its gonna be tough... its gonna be hard... but i shall give it my best. even as i type this, i can sense the revolt taking place inside me. My heart is turning, and the the chest is tightening. I dont love him... I wanto to love him... I dont know how... considering that he's nothing but nice to me... I really dont know what I want from a partner. Sometimes, i think i will turn out to be one of those crazy women who get up one morning, meticulously pack their things and disappear... and noone is able to trace them ever again... Like in the movie, 'The Hours' I've already shortlisted the places i'd like to disappear to... definitely Europe... i'll become an illegal immigrant.. and get lost in the Spanish desert...
Heck no... I have to make this marriage work... coz I chose this.
Thats the resolution for the year, the ' no smoking' resolution I shall postpone to 2010 :)
Friday, November 07, 2008
money money money... its a rich man's world
So i walk into this club... no... not to party... for a job. and they give it to me. i'm to be their marketing person. this is in the span of 1 week before which i'm to join MPG (the job which i dont like but will pay me and keep me going up the corporate ladder)
Here's a club/ record label/ production house ... and they have no money... but they sell a dream... they do something unique... and they're surrounded by music... and it makes me mad that they want me but they cant afford me. n it makes me madder that im dying to join them but the money factor is driving me nuts. Its maddening that mumbai is such an expensive place to live in that one cant exist here without counting one's pennies. its crazy that a so-called music buff is double minded about a project which would might make her life more meaningful, just because she wont have enuff moolah going into the pocket.
The question is what are the pros and cons again?
Pros
1. i know i'm gonna love this
2. the place is small... the people are warm... the work is exponentially more interesting than anything i've done before
3 It'll be interesting to grow with a start up... probable even establish one's name through it.
Cons
1. im an advertising person... it would mean shifting industries... literally!
2. Money is SHIT... it isnt even enough to pay my monthly rent in South bombay!!
3. i'll be living hand to mouth if i were living alone... thankfully im not... but i'm never gonna come even close to what hubby's making... and i'll be foreever dependent on him
Dats it... n i have to give them an answer today. Not to forget, ive already said 'yes' to MPG, who're expecting me at work from coming monday!! Feel like hell.
Here's a club/ record label/ production house ... and they have no money... but they sell a dream... they do something unique... and they're surrounded by music... and it makes me mad that they want me but they cant afford me. n it makes me madder that im dying to join them but the money factor is driving me nuts. Its maddening that mumbai is such an expensive place to live in that one cant exist here without counting one's pennies. its crazy that a so-called music buff is double minded about a project which would might make her life more meaningful, just because she wont have enuff moolah going into the pocket.
The question is what are the pros and cons again?
Pros
1. i know i'm gonna love this
2. the place is small... the people are warm... the work is exponentially more interesting than anything i've done before
3 It'll be interesting to grow with a start up... probable even establish one's name through it.
Cons
1. im an advertising person... it would mean shifting industries... literally!
2. Money is SHIT... it isnt even enough to pay my monthly rent in South bombay!!
3. i'll be living hand to mouth if i were living alone... thankfully im not... but i'm never gonna come even close to what hubby's making... and i'll be foreever dependent on him
Dats it... n i have to give them an answer today. Not to forget, ive already said 'yes' to MPG, who're expecting me at work from coming monday!! Feel like hell.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Indecision
Ok then....moral dilemma here I come!!! this perpetual habit which I have of being completely undecisive about things is driving me crazy. Whether its an ice cream flavour or a freaking job, i'm in the same kinda spot... mulling over the freaking pro's and cons of eating dark chocolate v/s mint choco chip!!! Pardon the freaking!!
Ok... so here i am... I go for this RANDOM interview with a media planning agency... well its not even a real agency, its an arm of an ad agency... so they dont reaaaally have an identity of their own... but like they claim, they're a '" growing" agency.... hmmmm.... so back to back interviews happen... our lady here cruises through them both... in a matter of a week an offer is being made....n then she chickens out...!!!... well almpost... havent given an answer as yet.
why?
considering the fact that i've been bawling my eyes out for the last freaking 6 months for a freaking job... this should come as alife saver, no?! My scanty analysis of the world economy suggests that we are soooo in the dumps and any job which walks my way should be held onto with both hands... however here i am ONCE AGAIN dissecting the merits of the freaking job till my head hurts!!! Here's what I have:
Pros:
1. I'm gonna lead a team of 3 people... now THAT is progress!!!! from NO team to team of 3?!! not a bad! THIS is not to mention the palpatations which are driving me crazy at the thought... or the mind numbing, heart stopping fucked up feeling I have at the thought of becoming a GURU to these innocent ones!!! I mean... i'm a kid myself... how am i gonna do dis?! i've never had anyone report into me before... i might just go on a power trip?! ... (whats wrong in dat :P).... see thats what i mean... sheer irresponsible behaviour is what makes me what i am!!!
2. Ok... then there's the whole jazz on growth, learning and experience in the field of communication management of UNA BRANDA !! I buy it... but it also means trying to figure where thy client's money goes... AND if i fuck up ( i'm a group head!) the knife's on my neck... dude!! its tooo much responsibility!!!!
CONS:
1. Do i wanna kill myself doing this freaking DOGZZZZZZ job... running behind clients for stupid shit... watching media channels n trying to fathom which brand should be advertised where... etc?! No way Jose!!
2. I'm a STRATEGIC PLANNER NOT A MEDIA PLANNER... i mean... i look at the bigger picture... this is soooooo a downgrade from what ive been doing so far!!! its an ego issue, dude to be doing this!!!
3. My heart is screaming at the thought of looking at research data and trying to understand media merit etc... i mean... i'm a strategist, not a clerk!!!
Gawd!!! i feel sooooo uppity just writing this...
do i need to review my priorities?? :(
Thursday, October 16, 2008
K fucking Chauth
Today is K-Chauth... sounds like an abuse doesnt it?! Well, if u havent guessed it already... Karva chauth!!! the age old ritual where a married woman keeps a fast for the long life of her husband( n what if he's an abusive, violent, mother fucking son-of-a-bitch? well... the ideal wife prays for this bastard as well!!! I marvel at the level of tolerance women have...I being a crazy, temperamental, slighly loony, dont really fall beautifully into the former category... but hey there, the biology of things say i'm female all right!!!)
well... so like i was saying its K-chauth ( i decided to nick it so that it begins to sound like what it really is- a freaking irritating, mindless ritual)
So... it started over 2 months ago when the MIL ( Ma-in...) decided to ask me whether i'm gonna keep the fast:
MIL: "Are you planning to keep the KC fast?"
Me: " Well, my mom's never kept it, its not a custom we follow"
MIL: " Well, its ure choice entirely, i'm never going to pressurize u. however, it exists in our family ( n now that ure married to my son, u better say goodbye to ure family, n just accept the fact that THIS is ure family, woman) and if u want u can keep it.
Me: " Ok... its 2 months to go... we'll decide"
I let the matter drop... but obviously the question is ringing in the woman's head- Will she? Wont she? will she? Wont she?
A month later, she asks me again:
MIL:" so what have u decided? Are you going to keep the KC fast? Meri beti, its a very important ritual even for the ma- in... besides all u do is get dressed, look good and get lots of gifts, from me, ure husband etc."
Me: " Ok, i havent decided as yet, if u really want me to keep it, i will ( damn! i dont believe i said that... I so dont believe in mindless rituals. woman! ure in trouble!)
MIL ( jumping on the cue): No, no... there's no pressure from my side. but its there in our family ( Bitch!)
Me: "there's still time right now... lets figure it out closer to KC"
Again, i somehow tallo it... but i know its nagging me. It irritates me that an educated woman should be so eager to keep a fast for the long life of her husband. I dont see any rituals throughout the Hindu dharma's endless customs which are directed towards men... whether its Sati or Karva chauth... its women who bear the brunt of it all.. ya ya... i know that KC is more of a feel-good kind of ritual... HOWEVER.. it is not the dressing up or gifts which bug me, it is the fasting... and not just for anything ... but for " the long life of ure husband" ... should'nt the damn husband be fasting too for the long life of his freaking wife? or to become a saint/ martyr in the eyes of society, the woman should necessarily die before the husband. for that matter, who knows when anyone dies? that is not to say that its not good to pray for someone's long life... i do it all the time for my parents ( n today hubby) however I do it voluntarily, while sleeping, for a minute or two. Its not an elaborate custom, where the gods would only be pleased if i starve myself for a day and buy ex amount of things in his name for aarti. its just the unjustness of the way the custom works... and how only women have to do it... always the woman!
Ok... so as i was saying, the conversation with MIL was left in a limbo... however, was she one to be cowed down by all my tactics to avoid the question? Noooo, sir!!! she went n called my mom the figure out whether i'm keeping the fast or not!!!! I can still feel the blood boiling in my head when I think of this. My mom was noncommital, but she later told me that i should keep it, coz MIL really wants me to keep it.
Well.... FUCK YOU all!!!... here i am keeping the damn fast, becoz MIL wants me to, n i'm pissed beyond belief. i'm alone at home, and i know i can go ahead and eat whatever i want, but i havent, coz somewhere inside me i've told myself that I AM going to do this... just so that i can cribb later about it!!!!
AAAARRRRGGHHH!!!
p.s. thats not to mention how i've already gone wrong with the fast!!! MIL told me to get up b/w 4.30-5am and eat something, coz im going to be hungry all day. Bizarre custom! i chose not to get up... reason being... if i want to get up before sunrise n eat something, its my freaking choice!!! I decided i didnt! so, i slept through that Oh-so-crucial-hour in the morning, only to find an unpleasant atmosphere in the house when i woke up. Hubby was talking to MIL in hushed tones over the phone, disclosing the insufferable crime i'd committed, and how i probably deserved to rott in hell for the rest of my living days.... well... i dunno... what they were discussing, but the conversation was cut short the minute i got up...Gawd!!! what's with men and being mama's boy's all the freaking time!!! dont u people get sick of it... i mean, get ure own identity in place... ure own thought process... what the hell have u been educated for if ure gonna turn around n cling onto mom's saree for the rest of ure lives... not the mention look at every woman in ure life through ure mom's lense!!!! GAWD!!!! its just so biased!!!
anyway... so when i spoke to her i clearly asked her.." getting up n eating before dawn was a matter of ritual or choice?"
MIL: " Ritual" ... (FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!) anyway... never mind now... just dont eat or drink anything till late evening today"
Me" I wont.."
So here i am... ive fought with the hubby on his freaking day coz he didnt tell me that getting up in the morn was a matter of ritual!!! he claims" how am i to know" ... well ure mom's been keeping the damn fast for the last 30 years... if u dont know who knows?!
Fuck u...fuck u... fuck u all
well... so like i was saying its K-chauth ( i decided to nick it so that it begins to sound like what it really is- a freaking irritating, mindless ritual)
So... it started over 2 months ago when the MIL ( Ma-in...) decided to ask me whether i'm gonna keep the fast:
MIL: "Are you planning to keep the KC fast?"
Me: " Well, my mom's never kept it, its not a custom we follow"
MIL: " Well, its ure choice entirely, i'm never going to pressurize u. however, it exists in our family ( n now that ure married to my son, u better say goodbye to ure family, n just accept the fact that THIS is ure family, woman) and if u want u can keep it.
Me: " Ok... its 2 months to go... we'll decide"
I let the matter drop... but obviously the question is ringing in the woman's head- Will she? Wont she? will she? Wont she?
A month later, she asks me again:
MIL:" so what have u decided? Are you going to keep the KC fast? Meri beti, its a very important ritual even for the ma- in... besides all u do is get dressed, look good and get lots of gifts, from me, ure husband etc."
Me: " Ok, i havent decided as yet, if u really want me to keep it, i will ( damn! i dont believe i said that... I so dont believe in mindless rituals. woman! ure in trouble!)
MIL ( jumping on the cue): No, no... there's no pressure from my side. but its there in our family ( Bitch!)
Me: "there's still time right now... lets figure it out closer to KC"
Again, i somehow tallo it... but i know its nagging me. It irritates me that an educated woman should be so eager to keep a fast for the long life of her husband. I dont see any rituals throughout the Hindu dharma's endless customs which are directed towards men... whether its Sati or Karva chauth... its women who bear the brunt of it all.. ya ya... i know that KC is more of a feel-good kind of ritual... HOWEVER.. it is not the dressing up or gifts which bug me, it is the fasting... and not just for anything ... but for " the long life of ure husband" ... should'nt the damn husband be fasting too for the long life of his freaking wife? or to become a saint/ martyr in the eyes of society, the woman should necessarily die before the husband. for that matter, who knows when anyone dies? that is not to say that its not good to pray for someone's long life... i do it all the time for my parents ( n today hubby) however I do it voluntarily, while sleeping, for a minute or two. Its not an elaborate custom, where the gods would only be pleased if i starve myself for a day and buy ex amount of things in his name for aarti. its just the unjustness of the way the custom works... and how only women have to do it... always the woman!
Ok... so as i was saying, the conversation with MIL was left in a limbo... however, was she one to be cowed down by all my tactics to avoid the question? Noooo, sir!!! she went n called my mom the figure out whether i'm keeping the fast or not!!!! I can still feel the blood boiling in my head when I think of this. My mom was noncommital, but she later told me that i should keep it, coz MIL really wants me to keep it.
Well.... FUCK YOU all!!!... here i am keeping the damn fast, becoz MIL wants me to, n i'm pissed beyond belief. i'm alone at home, and i know i can go ahead and eat whatever i want, but i havent, coz somewhere inside me i've told myself that I AM going to do this... just so that i can cribb later about it!!!!
AAAARRRRGGHHH!!!
p.s. thats not to mention how i've already gone wrong with the fast!!! MIL told me to get up b/w 4.30-5am and eat something, coz im going to be hungry all day. Bizarre custom! i chose not to get up... reason being... if i want to get up before sunrise n eat something, its my freaking choice!!! I decided i didnt! so, i slept through that Oh-so-crucial-hour in the morning, only to find an unpleasant atmosphere in the house when i woke up. Hubby was talking to MIL in hushed tones over the phone, disclosing the insufferable crime i'd committed, and how i probably deserved to rott in hell for the rest of my living days.... well... i dunno... what they were discussing, but the conversation was cut short the minute i got up...Gawd!!! what's with men and being mama's boy's all the freaking time!!! dont u people get sick of it... i mean, get ure own identity in place... ure own thought process... what the hell have u been educated for if ure gonna turn around n cling onto mom's saree for the rest of ure lives... not the mention look at every woman in ure life through ure mom's lense!!!! GAWD!!!! its just so biased!!!
anyway... so when i spoke to her i clearly asked her.." getting up n eating before dawn was a matter of ritual or choice?"
MIL: " Ritual" ... (FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!) anyway... never mind now... just dont eat or drink anything till late evening today"
Me" I wont.."
So here i am... ive fought with the hubby on his freaking day coz he didnt tell me that getting up in the morn was a matter of ritual!!! he claims" how am i to know" ... well ure mom's been keeping the damn fast for the last 30 years... if u dont know who knows?!
Fuck u...fuck u... fuck u all
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Its over
life is tough and i'm crumbling under the pressure. My faculties are beginning to go for a toss and i really dont know what to do anymore.
I tried long and hard to find a job and each disappointment has sent me further into my shell. The latest has come at a point when I thought the job was practically in my pocket... they asked me for my details, my previous salary slip etc., i was told that an offer was in the making... and so I waited.... I am still waiting. After 2 weeks of a constant mind fuck, I finally called them to figure out that its not happening. and whom do I have to blame... the financial meltdown.
I'd made pledges... promises to myself... to work hard... prove myself, do better than my best. I had dreams which no longer matter. I wanted to be someone too... maybe not the CEO of the next big financial conglomerate, but to be successful...and now... my mental strength is vaining... the heart doesnt cooperate with the head... the mind cannot face anymore rejections.
Today...I am defunt... this machine is has rusted.
They say be strong... BUT i'm finished...
I tried long and hard to find a job and each disappointment has sent me further into my shell. The latest has come at a point when I thought the job was practically in my pocket... they asked me for my details, my previous salary slip etc., i was told that an offer was in the making... and so I waited.... I am still waiting. After 2 weeks of a constant mind fuck, I finally called them to figure out that its not happening. and whom do I have to blame... the financial meltdown.
I'd made pledges... promises to myself... to work hard... prove myself, do better than my best. I had dreams which no longer matter. I wanted to be someone too... maybe not the CEO of the next big financial conglomerate, but to be successful...and now... my mental strength is vaining... the heart doesnt cooperate with the head... the mind cannot face anymore rejections.
Today...I am defunt... this machine is has rusted.
They say be strong... BUT i'm finished...
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Liar
people who dont lie very often find it doubly hard to lie, is it not?
I credit myself with being an honest person ( more or less) but sometimes, when things arent going exactly as planned, I do lie... it's not compulsive... its just a means to an end. Most of the times I just forget about it and then there are others ( like right now) when the guilt is ready to eat me alive!!!
Ok... so i did something major... and then to cover it up, I lied... now if i'd lied to my mom or dad or hubby, it'd might still be excusible, but I didnt. I dont want to get into the details of it, coz its just tooo utterly, totally, absolutely humiliating... however at this point in time, I feel like a piece of shit... scared that my lie will be caught, and everyone I love will be soooo disappointed in me.
The other way is to just come out with it... but just like lying, one needs guts for that too... so I'm in this moral dilemma, where my brain is rotting with guilt and I simply dont have the courage to confess.
therefore, I find myself praying... gawd! i feel like such a hypocrite even saying this... but yes, its true... have been praying that the lie doesnt get caught, and I'm able to work things out smoothly.
I'm never gonna lie about MAJOR things again! ...Hypocrite...!! why lie about small things either?!
Tell me one person who's never lied in his/ her life. Do they exist? I dont think so. And if u do a major gocchi then where do u go and hide?! what do I do.... this boat is sinking!
Monday, October 06, 2008
I'm in Pain
Too much information blocks my brain...
of an unknown girl of 18 who died... of the cigarettes i've been smoking since i was 18... of the father whom i dont know, but love since i could reason.... of the illnesses which plague me, my family. i am but a muddle of thoughts right now.
His hands keep shaking... lifting that cuppa tea, or that spoon to eat... and he goes to get it checked... they say that the shivers which run through his nerves might be the early signs of Parkinsons disease... and i feel the tear running down my face as he tells me... i love him... daddy.... Oh! daddy! Daddy daddy daddy.
I ponder at the unexpectedness of it all.. of the swiftness with which he changed from the young dad to the old man... his face hangs and his eyes droop... and it scares me when i look at him... coz i need him... i need them both... my only solace... my only consolation... the beats which keep me ticking.
She fainted a month ago... her sugar was high... i know the diesease is eating her alive... I hug her to feel bones alone... the flesh slowly disappearing... and the physical pain inside my chest is unbearable... coz I love.
Ans so i think... why love? detach... but how does one detach from those that matter ... for those who make ure life meaningul... for those who give u reason to smile.... coz I love... therefore I am in pain.
of an unknown girl of 18 who died... of the cigarettes i've been smoking since i was 18... of the father whom i dont know, but love since i could reason.... of the illnesses which plague me, my family. i am but a muddle of thoughts right now.
His hands keep shaking... lifting that cuppa tea, or that spoon to eat... and he goes to get it checked... they say that the shivers which run through his nerves might be the early signs of Parkinsons disease... and i feel the tear running down my face as he tells me... i love him... daddy.... Oh! daddy! Daddy daddy daddy.
I ponder at the unexpectedness of it all.. of the swiftness with which he changed from the young dad to the old man... his face hangs and his eyes droop... and it scares me when i look at him... coz i need him... i need them both... my only solace... my only consolation... the beats which keep me ticking.
She fainted a month ago... her sugar was high... i know the diesease is eating her alive... I hug her to feel bones alone... the flesh slowly disappearing... and the physical pain inside my chest is unbearable... coz I love.
Ans so i think... why love? detach... but how does one detach from those that matter ... for those who make ure life meaningul... for those who give u reason to smile.... coz I love... therefore I am in pain.
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